My boyfriend (m33) abandoned me and chose his family over me (f33)

[LizardLover]

I'm sorry this is long, I really need advice

him: V Backstory (2019-2021): Were close in college, lost contact, reconnected. We both caught feelings quickly. I wanted to be with him, he rejected me multiple times for the reason: I wasn't albanian/muslim (i'm italian/jewish), couldn't have children and bc of that parents wouldn't accept me. I moved on and dated someone long distance, V had an epiphany, realized what he had lost and constantly told me he needs to be with me and marry me even if it means going against his family. He said he spent his whole life doing what his family wants and now must go after what he wants: me. He wrote constant love letters, telling me I was his soulmate and did everything to prove his love for me. However during this time he was also frequently telling white lies about where he was (with his family), cancelling plans on me to be with his family, lying to me about quitting vaping (would tell me he quit to impress me but he didn't - told me he wanted to quit to be better for me) These were the first red flags I noticed.

Middle years (2021-2022): Even though I was still in a LDR with another man I was unhappy and my feelings for V grew stronger. I confessed to him how I felt and he returned my love, we both felt happy. My LDR was ended mutually, and I was able to be with V. I met his family and they accepted and loved me. His grandma wanted us to get married and his mother was happy with me. We moved in together. Our relationship was ok but his habit of lying caused me to become reactive. I proposed relationship therapy and he never made the appointments. I became resentful and more reactive than before.

Now (2023-2024): in August 2023 his grandma passed away after a battle of illness. I was supportive to the family during this time. The day after the wake there was a family dinner I was invited to. The second I arrived, his aunt I had never met before started preaching to me about having children. I am childfree by choice/bc a heart condition would make me high risk. Most of V's family accept this. Aunt told me I was "less of a woman for not having kids, that I should let V impregnate another woman". I got upset, excused myself and stepped outside to regulate my emotions; knowing this day was not about me and about his grandma RIP. Two other family members came outside to console me and tell me it's ok and to ignore her. As I was heading back inside, I hesitated at the door bc of fear of seeing the aunt who upset me (I have anxiety/PTSD). One of the family members that consoled me told me "she was starting to get angry with me" I didn't know why; this woman was just hugging and consoling me two minutes ago, and panicked and sought reassurance from V. I asked him to come to the car to calm me down for a minute and explain why other aunt was getting angry. He wouldn't budge and I blurted out "can you pick me over your family for one second and talk to me at the car" - all everyone heard was "pick me over your family". His aunt that was getting angry came to the car to berate me, yell in my face, scream at me etc telling me I was selfish and making today all about me. I stayed quiet and let her yell. V did not step in even after I collapsed from stress. I left and went to my moms where I fainted from stress (heart condition) and ended up in the hospital being evaluated for a concussion. While in the hospital, V drove to our apartment and moved all of his stuff out without me knowing. He called my mom and told her I disrespected his dead grandma/entire family and he could not be with me anymore. He said the "outburst" I created was the most hurtful thing I've ever done to him. My mom told him I am a very good partner, loyal to a fault, forgiving, and have never even lied to this man; yet he has lied and betrayed me several times and that he should forgive me. A day later he apologized for leaving and said he is not coming home but he still loves me and we will get through this together. Me living alone is a health risk due to my heart/fainting condition that is exacerbated by stress, and he chose to leave anyway.

7 months later: V continuously promised to come back home to me, and never did. I wanted to talk to his family and apologize but they wouldn't to speak to me. He said if he came home to our apartment he would lose his family since they hate me now. He said he needs time to be there for his family after the loss of his grandma and "get them to like me again". Every time he came over he would get angry texts from his mom saying she would come there and get him if he didn't get back ASAP. I endured it, waited and got into therapy to work on myself and my emotional reactivity. Months passed and he would stay over our apartment more, and every time I thought he would come back, he would freak out and try to end things with me stating he "loves me and wants to be with me but cant lose his family over me". He would apologize, come back for a few days, leave, come back, leave. I sent letters, gifts, and apologies to his family but they still won't talk to me. His energy had changed from the most empathetic, loving person I knew to someone cold and quick-tempered. In December 2023 things went downhill and he started neglecting me all together, only seeing me once a week and barely talking to me. He said he needed time to work on himself, still insisted he loved me, wanted to be with me, and would come back and get a new place with me once our lease is up in march. Despite the neglect and pain; I had nowhere else to go so I waited. On new years, he promised me a better year and reunion for us. Now, our lease is up and I have found a new apartment. And now, surprise, he is wavering on coming back: once again stating that He will lose his family if he moves in with me. I gave him a very stern ultimatum saying that I have patiently waited 7 months for him, and will not continue to be in his life if he does not return to our new home together. I said I have tried to move forward, apologize, and make things right with his family but they will not budge. Yet I am the one being punished, it seems he would rather lose me than even upset them. I feel I deserve to be stood up for, fought for, and chosen. My entire family and everyone I have talked to said he is being controlled and abused by his family; trapped in enmeshment and fears disobeying them. He says this is "his choice" and I am "forcing him to pick between me and his family". I don't feel I am doing that - I feel I am being "banished" for one mistake without any shot at redemption; his family is forcing him to leave me since they will not respect him/treat him differently if he comes back to me. He was also told he is not allowed to ever move back home if he chooses a life with me. If his family did something to upset me, and I told him "you're not allowed to see your family ever again or you will lose me" that would be abuse, but it's ok if they do it to me?

Am I making the wrong choice? Should I be more accepting because I am the one that upset his family? Or should he stand up to his family for his right to be with me? I feel like I deserve better at this point but I'm still holding on to the man I knew before.

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, LizardLover said:

Am I making the wrong choice?

Yes, in the sense that you should have gotten rid of him ages ago rather than keep yourself on hold for a guy who treats you poorly. 

Your self-worth is in the tank if you actually want this man in your life anymore, OP. I would have been done with him long before now. Why are you still here? Surely you have better options than this dope? 

My guess is that he is exploring other options himself, and that this is not all about his family. You really need to extricate yourself from this mess and let him go. There is no future here. 

[LizardLover]

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, in the sense that you should have gotten rid of him ages ago rather than keep yourself on hold for a guy who treats you poorly. 

Your self-worth is in the tank if you actually want this man in your life anymore, OP. I would have been done with him long before now. Why are you still here? Surely you have better options than this dope? 

My guess is that he is exploring other options himself, and that this is not all about his family. You really need to extricate yourself from this mess and let him go. There is no future here. 

thank you, i do need to work on this in therapy.

[smackie9]

I didn't need to read your post...my advice...find a new BF.

[LizardLover]

39 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I didn't need to read your post...my advice...find a new BF.

I can try but it's hard to grasp the reality of losing the person that meant the world to me for the past 5 years, that I wanted to marry, even though he is not that person anymore.

[Lambert]

23 hours ago, LizardLover said:

I feel like I deserve better

Lean into this. 

You're not compatible with each other.  He has a very strong guidance from his family on the expectations of his life. It's based on traditional roles and strengthening the family line.

Some people have this.  They have a strong family bond that dictates their behavior. They were raised in this environment. They can't just turn it off.

Set yourself free from this. Find peace that you tried and if he were different, it would be different.  but he is not and it is not. 

I hope you're health improves. You really do need to be with someone more on your page about what the expectations of a committed relationship requires etc. All this drama and stress is not good for you.  Have to consider your health long term.  This is not the relationship you want.  

 

[LizardLover]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

Lean into this. 

You're not compatible with each other.  He has a very strong guidance from his family on the expectations of his life. It's based on traditional roles and strengthening the family line.

Some people have this.  They have a strong family bond that dictates their behavior. They were raised in this environment. They can't just turn it off.

Set yourself free from this. Find peace that you tried and if he were different, it would be different.  but he is not and it is not. 

I hope you're health improves. You really do need to be with someone more on your page about what the expectations of a committed relationship requires etc. All this drama and stress is not good for you.  Have to consider your health long term.  This is not the relationship you want.  

 

I know people who have gone against their families to be with loved ones. I have read stories of people from other countries ex-communicating their families to be with their partners. If he wanted to, he would. It just makes me feel like I am not worth it. He begged to be with me and said he wanted me more than anything, and now, I am clearly nothing to him.

[JusDrea]

You should just cry, let it out... let go and move on.  This is going to be a difficult relationship to maintain long term because of the cultural differences.  Over time, you may even feel more comfortable marrying someone from your own Jewish cultural background.  Muslim families are usually very tight knit.  I'm sorry you are experiencing this hurt, pain and confusion.  I'm sure he loves you very much, but being a Muslim man comes with the responsibility of protecting a Muslim community.  I know it sucks that we have so many different cultures and we can't all just be a human family as one.  But the divide has been this way since ancient times and it's difficult to change such traditions without a revolution.  

[LizardLover]

1 hour ago, JusDrea said:

You should just cry, let it out... let go and move on.  This is going to be a difficult relationship to maintain long term because of the cultural differences.  Over time, you may even feel more comfortable marrying someone from your own Jewish cultural background.  Muslim families are usually very tight knit.  I'm sorry you are experiencing this hurt, pain and confusion.  I'm sure he loves you very much, but being a Muslim man comes with the responsibility of protecting a Muslim community.  I know it sucks that we have so many different cultures and we can't all just be a human family as one.  But the divide has been this way since ancient times and it's difficult to change such traditions without a revolution.  

thank you, I have been doing that. My dad is actually catholic, and I wasn't raised with any specific religion and was taught to be accepting and loving of all. And he barely follows his religion: he smokes/drinks/doesn't go to mosque/pray etc...

[Wiseman2]

On 2/17/2024 at 9:04 PM, LizardLover said:

. The day after the wake there was a family dinner I was invited to. The second I arrived, his aunt I had never met before started preaching to me about having children.

Sorry this is happening. In a way it's good it all came to a head. You dodged a bullet. 

[MissCanuck]

7 hours ago, LizardLover said:

it's hard to grasp the reality of losing the person that meant the world to me for the past 5 years

Yes, most break-ups are like this. 

It's hard to wrap our head around, and it is going to take time to accept. Unfortunately, there were far too many problems for this relationship to have lasted a lifetime. You will one day ask yourself why you stayed so long when he wasn't treating you well. 

 

 

[Lambert]

19 hours ago, LizardLover said:

I know people who have gone against their families to be with loved ones. I have read stories of people from other countries ex-communicating their families to be with their partners. If he wanted to, he would. It just makes me feel like I am not worth it. He begged to be with me and said he wanted me more than anything, and now, I am clearly nothing to him.

Yes. It does happen but you have to look at what is, not what others have done or what you wish it was. 

It definitely hurts and I'm so sorry.  You might be nothing too him, so you better be something to yourself. 

Flip the script. You don't want him.  He's not good enough for you.  His family totally sucks. 

You can and will find better when you start acting in your own best interests. It's hard but it's your only choice, if you want a good relationship. 

[smackie9]

On 2/18/2024 at 4:15 PM, LizardLover said:

I can try but it's hard to grasp the reality of losing the person that meant the world to me for the past 5 years, that I wanted to marry, even though he is not that person anymore.

I did...it's doable, and it was a relief. So damn glad we never got married omg.

[catfeeder]

On 2/17/2024 at 9:04 PM, LizardLover said:

...he rejected me multiple times for the reason: I wasn't albanian/muslim (i'm italian/jewish), couldn't have children and bc of that parents wouldn't accept me.

I'm so sorry. When a story begins like this ^^^, is it really a surprise that it would end this way?