16 years relationship close to breakup?

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, A***aNoIppo said:

I believe it would be unwise to take such a décision so quickly after 16 years together. I'm currently willing to take the risk because I love her. It's her call now.

If you think love is enough for a healthful marriage -good luck to you. I've given you all the input I can.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, A***aNoIppo said:

No that was not my point. Please read carefully. My point is that you wrote she did not say yes and this is literally false, that was my point.

Yes but in the end it makes no difference if I was mistaken.  Because right now she doesn't want to marry you.

[AshitaNoIppo]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

If you think love is enough for a healthful marriage -good luck to you.

Thanks, I think it's 50/50 now. Either we break up or we marry. She told me today that she misses me, she wants physical contact and she is feeling bad. She asked me what she can do to make me feel better.

I told her to clear her mind and decides if she wants to spend her life with me or not.

She did not reply.

I'm looking at her right now and she is sleeping like a baby which gives me the feeling that it's settled. I expect her to go for a breakup or pushes me to breakup.

[AshitaNoIppo]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes but in the end it makes no difference if I was mistaken.  Because right now she doesn't want to marry you.

It's just important to stay clear.

[Batya33]

Just now, A***aNoIppo said:

Thanks, I think it's 50/50 now. Either we break up or we marry. She told me today that she misses me, she wants physical contact and she is feeling bad. She asked me what she can do to make me feel better.

I told her to clear her mind and decides if she wants to spend her life with me or not.

She did not reply.

I'm looking at her right now and she is sleeping like a baby which gives me the feeling that it's settled. I expect her to go for a breakup or pushes me to breakup.

Good luck! Try to be a lot more honest with yourself and be very disciplined about not letting yourself rationalize.  She's been honest with you. She doesn't want to marry you.  Doubt means don't.  This sort of doubt.   I'm done giving input but please feel free to reread what I wrote.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, A***aNoIppo said:

It's just important to stay clear.

Very much so - be much more clear with yourself.

[AshitaNoIppo]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Good luck! Try to be a lot more honest with yourself and be very disciplined about not letting yourself rationalize.  She's been honest with you. She doesn't want to marry you.  Doubt means don't.  This sort of doubt.   I'm done giving input but please feel free to reread what I wrote.

I have no Idea what you mean by being more honest with myself.

Also, people are allowed to have doubts and change of heart. During these 16 years there were time where I had doubts about my love for her myself. It's bound to happen when you stay so long with someone.

[AshitaNoIppo]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Very much so - be much more clear with yourself.

What do you mean exactly?

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, A***aNoIppo said:

What do you mean exactly?

What I wrote above - be very disciplined in not allowing yourself to rationalize and justify trying to convince her to marry you.  Accept the clarity even though it is so hard - instead of  twisting yourself in knots and telling yourself inaccurate stuff accept that she does not want to marry you.  Accept that it's highly unlikely she will change her mind and want to marry you for the right reasons.  Accept that the reason you two never married is because one or both of you didn't want marriage badly enough. 

Accept the simple basic truths -that is much harder than burying yourself in lots of words to rationalize making a huge mistake or thinking you can or should convince another person to marry you. I'm not going to respond anymore to your attempts to avoid being clear with yourself - not in the mood to enable you.  It's not helpful.

Do what is right and refuse to rationalize and avoid simple truths.  It's only complicated because you're refusing to do this.  

[Tinydance]

I don't think you are gaining anything by debating with us. We are just strangers on the internet. Your partner is the one who said she's not sure about marrying you so this is what you have to respect. Doesn't matter what we think or what we are saying. My belief is you should only marry someone who WANTS to marry you. If you're trying to push them into it and they marry just because you're pushing and you already booked then that's not the right reason. SHE has to want to do it. Let her make the decision if you want a happy marriage and life together. Being together 16 years isn't a reason. Some people are together 25 years then they break up. Some relationships end at some point.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, A***aNoIppo said:

. She told me today that she misses me, she wants physical contact and she is feeling bad. She asked me what she can do to make me feel better.

She seems extremely cooperative and accommodating. Why can't you do the same and negotiate for the wedding and/or marriage? If she is asking you to stay and how to make you happy why are you giving her these impossible ultimatums? What exactly is your goal here? A happy family or just giving her a hard time? 

[AshitaNoIppo]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She seems extremely cooperative and accommodating. Why can't you do the same and negotiate for the wedding and/or marriage? If she is asking you to stay and how to make you happy why are you giving her these impossible ultimatums? What exactly is your goal here? A happy family or just giving her a hard time? 

If we don't marry as planned I will feel she does not love me and I don't see how our relationship could go on. Except for that, I agreed to accomodate on everything. If marrying as planned is an impossible ultimatum we better end our relationship now.


So... We had a chat this morning. She said she loves me, she wants to marry and that she will not change her mind.

She wants to change few things regarding the wedding. I agree for changes but I have a deep feeling that she wants some kind of magical wedding. I told her that if only perfection can satisfy her she will be disappointed in every case and I encouraged her to focus on the good things that will happen instead of the perfect things that may not happen.

She seems to give it some consideration.

[AshitaNoIppo]

Small recap:

• 16 years together
• 2 kids
• A co-owned flat
• I had the utmost trust in our relationship at this point
• First threesome experience last november to have fun but apparently opened the door in her mind that maybe there are other men around who could make her happier
• We have always wanted to marry during these 16 years but money was an issue until not long ago. I proposed her in december (completely unrelated to the threesome, I planned it for months long before)
• She said yes but then suddenly 3 weeks ago she said: I'm not sure I love you, not sure I want to marry, I'm thinking of other men
• 2 weeks ago she said: I was confused, I love you, I want to marry
• 1 week ago she said: I'm not sure I love you, not sure I want to marry, I'm thinking of other men
• This morning: I love you, I want to marry, I want to live my life with you

 

My own gut feeling:

• She does not know what she wants.
• My trust in our relationship is low.
• I love her anyway and still want to marry.
• She is looking for the perfect magical wedding that cannot happen and will probably be disappointed for XYZ reasons

What do you think would be the best ways to deal with this situation from now on?

[tattoobunnie]

17 hours ago, A***aNoIppo said:

I have no Idea what you mean by being more honest with myself.

Also, people are allowed to have doubts and change of heart. During these 16 years there were time where I had doubts about my love for her myself. It's bound to happen when you stay so long with someone.

People in solid relationships don't have doubts marrying each other, nor feel they can't trust each other, or invite other people into their bed.

Either way, it feels like she feels she should want to marry you after all this time. But ultimately, when having to picture it or plan for it, she does not.  I would not keep planning for the wedding.  Being stood up at the alter is a reality for many ex-couples.