Break up

[Lostlady07]

I was in a 2 year relationship.  He was the first person I ever really loved.  We are middle aged & both have kids.  He told me his ex wife was a narcissist & was extremely cruel to him.  

We got serious pretty quick & he was full on with his love/gifts/affection.  Then his health deterioriated & he also lost a parent & his job.  At that time I had not realised he had a history of mental health issues.  He became very critcal of me & downright mean with money/resources etc.  Meanwhile I was doing all I could with hospitals, appointments & helping with his family.

Suddenly out of nowhere I was dumped via phone call.  I was totally blind sided even though all intimacy had stopped as I put it down to his serious health issues & depression.  He was in a dark place at the time.

I did the usual pleading/long messages etc. He ignored them & blocked me on some but left me on other platforms.  His surviving parent was quite rude to me when I reached out to say I was sorry I did not have a chance to say goodbye. I was always very good to them so this upset me a lot.

7 months later I am still very upset.  Lately he is watching my social media & trying to get me to react!  I believe/hope his life is going better now.

Should I reach out to him?  I've not reacted to him in months. Is that what he is at or is it just breadcrumbs & why now?

[boltnrun]

Why would you want to go back for more mistreatment? Are you hoping he'll be nicer if you give him another opportunity?

[Lostlady07]

I was hoping the mistreatment was because he was very unwell.  To be honest I feel traumatised by how he acted & that the parent who I helped so much was so cold towards me.  I always treated him & them so well.  They seemed to really like me as did his kids. It all came out of the blue! 

I just don't understand what has happened & why he is keeping an eye on me now but not trying to make amends/apologise.  A few months ago he posted a quote about how sorry he was & that he loved me.  It was not posted direct to me.

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

We got serious pretty quick & he was full on with his love/gifts/affection.  Then his health deterioriated & he also lost a parent & his job.  At that time I had not realised he had a history of mental health issues.  He became very critcal of me & downright mean with money/resources etc.  

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Did you live together?  Why were you helping with his family?

Was he in and out of hospitals as a result of his physical and mental health issues? What do you mean by mean about money? Hopefully you weren't supporting him? 

Please read up on abusive relationships. Many of the red flags including quick involvement, accusing the ex of how he really is, suddenly nasty are there all three.

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. He is not going to change. What you saw in the beginning is typical of an abusers love bombing.

Please take care of yourself your family and your own physical and mental health. Please ask for a referral to a licensed qualified therapist for ongoing support and to unpack and sort out the abuse. 

[Lostlady07]

We are both mid 40's so not children.  It had taken me a long time to get into a relationship when I met him.  We did not live together but saw each other most days & he used to ring me 4/5 times a day.

The money- he used to be very kind & generous as was I.  Then he became extremely mean.. One example after he came into some money.  He brought tickets for everyone for a certain event & left me out.  Said he had no money but then spent £100s for props for the event. The ticket cost £20

Another time I asked for some food (in his house) as I had to take medication.  He said he had none?  I ended up in hospital.

I was helping with his family as one parent died suddenly & with his health issues, I was driving them around - doing errands for him.  Helping with his (wonderful) kids. Bringing him to appintments etc.  

Helping with family occasions - Birthdays, school events.

I don't actually know if his ex was a narc.  Only from what he told me & the surviving parent hated her.  When I tried to reach out to this surviving parent as suddenly & unexpectantly I was abandoned & never got to say goodbye -  they were quite rude to me.

I feel so stupid & I have no trust at all in people anymore.

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

I recommend you don't base your opinion of all people on your interactions with that man and his parent. They do not represent the entirety of humanity.

I'm sorry you're hurt and disappointed. But please read my signature line. It doesn't make sense to look to the person who caused your pain to relieve it. 

I hope you have family members or friends whom you trust who can provide support during this difficult time. 

[Lostlady07]

I am not very close to my family, have some great friends but don't want to be bothering them about it or tell them the full story.

I don't get why he is watching my socials etc or how he changed from such a decent person to this monster.  If his ex  did really treat him as awfully as he said, why would he knowingly do the same to me?  He also was always adament that his adult daughters were treated well by their boyfriends.  But I am someone's daughter too.  

Thank you for the replies guys.  Wiseman nobody until now has said it was abusive.  I guess I am in denial.  I just thought he might be avoident.

[Coily]

Simply put he is wanting to draw you back in. I think your empathy for his problems is misplaced, would you encourage a friend of yours to go back to someone who put your friend through this emotional wringer?

He could be a great guy again, but you have seen the negative side of him in a relationship as well. Personally I think you need to push past his breadcrumbs on social media, and end all ways he could interact with you. Right now you have 7 months of being in limbo, now you need to decided if you want to heal or keep picking at this open wound?

 

[Lostlady07]

I was actually doing well & then the breadcrumbs started.  I was set right back.  I did reach out in the beginning but got ignored.  

Like is the person that left in such a cruel way really him or was it just because he was in a dark place.  

 

[Coily]

17 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

I was actually doing well & then the breadcrumbs started.  I was set right back.  I did reach out in the beginning but got ignored.  

Like is the person that left in such a cruel way really him or was it just because he was in a dark place.  

 

Questions that will torment you for no good reason.

[Lostlady07]

I know.  I feel that way.  Like maybe his ex is not the villan at all in his story.  He would cry at times begging me not to give up on him.  It was not me who gave up!

 

[boltnrun]

27 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

I was actually doing well & then the breadcrumbs started.  I was set right back.  I did reach out in the beginning but got ignored.  

Like is the person that left in such a cruel way really him or was it just because he was in a dark place.  

 

There's a very easy way to stop seeing anything from him on social media and that is to unfriend and block him.

No, unfriending and blocking is not "unnecessary", "immature" or "harsh" and telling yourself you have an "I don't block" policy isn't helpful. 

I have a toxic ex too.  I unfriended him as well as all of his friends and family.  I didn't block him because he hasn't tried to contact me in years, but I did make my profiles private to anyone who isn't on my friends list.

I highly recommend you do this.

[Lostlady07]

It was actually him that blocked me except on one platform that he was using to keep an eye.

I feel awful blocking his younger kids who have done nothing wrong & who I miss badly.  

[MissCanuck]

Block him. 

You will never move on if you don't. 

[catfeeder]

I'm awfully sorry, LL. Sounds like ex was on his best behavior for a time, only to show his true uglies down the road along with his limitations. As for the rudeness of his parent, that's often a reaction of provincial people to their discomfort caused by a family member. Much easier to (at least pretend to) rally behind the offender and ostracize 'an outsider' than to internalize that their loved one is a jerk. Especially if they feel dependent on that person in some way.

I would block this man--on everything. It isn't as though he's going to receive some kind of notification that says, "LL has blOcked you!" You'll just quietly disappear from his feeds, and that's the best possible self-respecting statement you can make.

Reach for your best dignity, and recognize that you merely tried to have a loving relationship with someone who turned out to be incapable of that. Think of rejection as speaking of another's limitations rather than of any deficiency in you. Most people will NOT own the capacity to view us through an ideal lens beyond their own fantasies. This explains why we can enjoy many acquaintances, even while we might only 'click'  with 1 or 2 'best' friends in a lifetime.

That's not a bad thing, it's just natural odds, and so it's not a blueprint for future relationships. Keep an open mind, an open heart, and you will thank yourself for your resiliency and your capacity to enjoy love with people who are capable of reciprocity. These folks are not that.

 

[boltnrun]

57 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

It was actually him that blocked me except on one platform that he was using to keep an eye.

I feel awful blocking his younger kids who have done nothing wrong & who I miss badly.  

So go ahead and block him on that remaining platform.  Unless you have a really good logical reason why you shouldn't?  Logical, not emotional.

If you don't want to block his adult children then just remove them from your friends list.  Trust me, they will understand.  You can't maintain a relationship with them.  It's just not possible.

[Lostlady07]

I really appreciate each & every reply.  For 7 months now I have kept what really happened to myself so all your opinions & perspectives are really helping.

How do you move on from someone you still love?

The adult children will understand but there is also younger children. I don't want to hurt them.    The parent in question - I don't expect them to take my side over their son but I did not expect the absolute rudeness from someone who used to tell me that I was the best thing that ever happened their son! I saw them several times a week. Brought them out & about etc. Plus I really did nothing to deserve any of this & went out of my way to be supportive to them all.  

 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

How do you move on from someone you still love?

First off, follow through with removing him (or yourself) from every possible connected platform.  No need to subject yourself to his manipulation.

Next, rename his number in your phone as NO DON'T.  That way if you're ever feeling down (or had a few drinks) you'll see it and remember why it's a bad idea to contact him.  It will also pop up if he attempts to contact you.

5 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

there is also younger children. I don't want to hurt them.   

You aren't "hurting" them.  You're protecting yourself.  Something their father didn't bother doing.  And whether it's fair or not, he's their father and they have more attachment and loyalty to him than to you, his ex.

As for his parent, they have made it clear they're siding with their son.  Which isn't surprising.  You have no idea what he told them.  And it's no longer your concern as you two are not together.

Please do what you can to remove your focus from him and onto yourself and whoever is in your life as a positive influence.  And if you're really struggling, reaching out for professional help is not shameful.

[Batya33]

Assume I'm repeating all that Boltnrun wrote.  I am not at all surprised his parents are being rude. I mean I'm sorry but did they ask for all that help you provided as their son's girlfriend? Maybe they thought you were motivated simply to please their son.  Even if you're just a nice and thoughtful person.  It sounds like you took on a wifey role plus nurse/stepmother/chauffer -but why? He already had adult kids to help, etc - I think you went overboard and were sort of martyr-like "too nice" - trying to please him and be his everything when you were ignoring that you weren't seen in a signficant role in the family -you weren't his wife or stepmother of the kids, etc. 

I think there was a disconnect and yes as Bolt said you don't know what he told them.They also might think it's inappropriate to stay in touch once you're no longer dating their son. I'm sorry!

[Lostlady07]

Yes they asked for the help & they were having a very hard time so I did all I could because I cared!  Not to please him as such.  I was welcomed into the family.  Told the door was always open etc.  

I tend to be a nice thoughtful person to those I care about - friends etc so of course it stings/hurts when you are discarded so abruptly via phone call after two years.  The parent seemed delighted I was in their sons life & regularly told me so. Said he had fallen on his feet with me.

The adult children are young adults & at that age - Doing their own thing.  My exe's brothers have wives & they only appearred on special occasions.  It was always me keeping the parent company, taking them.shopping etc as their spouse had just died.  My ex and this parent live together so I saw them a lot.

So while I don't know what my ex told them.  They knew me well enough to make up their own mind & until the break up - they seemed very fond of me

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Lostlady07 said:

Yes they asked for the help & they were having a very hard time so I did all I could because I cared!  Not to please him as such.  I was welcomed into the family.  Told the door was always open etc.  

I tend to be a nice thoughtful person to those I care about - friends etc so of course it stings/hurts when you are discarded so abruptly via phone call after two years.  The parent seemed delighted I was in their sons life & regularly told me so. Said he had fallen on his feet with me.

The adult children are young adults & at that age - Doing their own thing.  My exe's brothers have wives & they only appearred on special occasions.  It was always me keeping the parent company, taking them.shopping etc as their spouse had just died.  My ex and this parent live together so I saw them a lot.

So while I don't know what my ex told them.  They knew me well enough to make up their own mind & until the break up - they seemed very fond of me

Parents can react in odd ways.  I've had the opposite - parents continuing to reach out to me I guess hoping their son and I would reconcile.  I've had situations and do now where we had mutual friends -it's a bit sensitive to navigate! In between the times my now husband I dated (7 years of break up ) - I was in touch with his mother only once -and indirectly -even though we'd been very close.

My ex told me his maternal grandmother died so I sent a sympathy card to them and donated to the charity of her choice.  A year later his mother wrote me a heartfelt letter mostly about how I'd been so good to her mother and saying sorry for not sending a thank you earlier. I did not contact again though - had it not been my ex's mom I mean sure I would have.  Boundaries.  

I always think it's up to the ex's family to reach out.  And if they do it's good to limit contact or if possible loop in the ex so your response is appropriate.  It's -sensitive!

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

I really appreciate each & every reply.  For 7 months now I have kept what really happened to myself so all your opinions & perspectives are really helping.

Why isolate yourself? Consider at least one person in your life who you can trust to empathize with you. Confiding isn't the same thing as dumping. In fact, it's often considered to be an honor by those you love when you are willing trust them with a vulnerability. 

Shame is about secrecy. Love is about sharing and trust. Allow yourself to thrive from the warmth of knowing that someone is on your side. (Even f that's just us, here on this forum.) Learn how this will boost you in exploring your future while feeling valued and respected. Don't give one bad apple the power to isolate you and derail you from creating your best future.

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How do you move on from someone you still love?

I've loved one ex for many years after our breakup. I recognized that some people are best loved from far away. I understood his limitations without ever hating him. I just deserve better, and I was willing to shift my focus onto that.

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The adult children will understand but there is also younger children. I don't want to hurt them.    The parent in question - I don't expect them to take my side over their son but I did not expect the absolute rudeness from someone who used to tell me that I was the best thing that ever happened their son! I saw them several times a week. Brought them out & about etc. Plus I really did nothing to deserve any of this & went out of my way to be supportive to them all.  

Every child needs to learn at some point that not every relationship between adults can be permanent. They will not receive some insulting notification that says, "LL is blOcking you!" So please quit inflating the importance of this to your own detriment. 

As for the parent, they are dependent on their son. Period. If son says you're out, they don't have a choice in the matter. In an ideal world they'd have the grace and the courage to wish you well--but if they feel intimidated by their child, just skip that without judging them.

Understand, the only people we harm by projecting our own ideals onto others is ourselves. Not everyone owns the capacity to live up to our 'shoulds,' so avoid 'shoulding' on others.

None of this diminishes your good heart and your service to these people while this jerk permitted you to knock yourself out. However, you can either decide that this unfortunate outcome 'must' traumatize you, in which case you will harm your own outlook and opportunities for a brilliant future, OR, you can adopt resilience as a well earned life skill, and you can team up with your loved ones by confiding in them, and ask them for help in moving yourself forward to new horizons.

If you don't want to weigh anyone else down, then don't weigh them down. Be truthful, and then pivot your focus to making your time together with them about 'them-not-me'. Invest your time with them to help them with their errands or projects or cooking or treat them to something fun, and allow the time you spend with them to ground you and 'normalize' you into healing.

It's a decision.

Head high.

[Lostlady07]

Thanks guys.  2 very lovely replies.  I don't regret the help I gave them. I made their life a lot easier at a very difficult time.  This parent does indeed greatly depend on this son as the other's don't pull their weight. He would & can be very intimidating at times. He has had some massive rows with this parent. He likes to be in control a lot. Still though the coldness of them afterward, one would think I had broke his heart or done something terrible.

I have had 2 other long term relationships & the exes parents regularly contact me & one certainly does not sugarcoat why me & her son are not together!  Don't get me wrong I'm not expecting to be in the parents life any more but it would have been appreciated if they had been civil when I reached out.

 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

 how he changed from such a decent person to this monster.  nobody until now has said it was abusive.  I guess I am in denial.

Please reach out for information, support, advice and help. Unfortunately you got overinvested and overinvolved with him and his life. Perhaps to avoid issues with your own family? 

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Lostlady07 said:

Thanks guys.  2 very lovely replies.  I don't regret the help I gave them. I made their life a lot easier at a very difficult time.  This parent does indeed greatly depend on this son as the other's don't pull their weight. He would & can be very intimidating at times. He has had some massive rows with this parent. He likes to be in control a lot. Still though the coldness of them afterward, one would think I had broke his heart or done something terrible.

I get it, and yet you have the choice to move your focus beyond appearances instead of stagnating inside a fantasy world of 'should'. You've seen firsthand how intimidating this man can be, so why would you fault a dependent elder for their self-preserving response to an outcome that they did not choose?

You're the one who is liberated from this horrible situation. You can elect to view this through the lens of a tragedy, or you can view yourself as having dodged the kind of bullet that typically befalls women who remain attached to 'intimidating' men. He was abusive, or potentially abusive, and yet, you are free without injury to pursue a better future.

You get to choose your own outlook on this. If you wish to harm yourself with tentacles that will not let go of the fantasies you built around this man as apposed to his unfortunate cruelty, you can do that--it's not against the law. But you seem to be more intelligent than that. I hope you will push yourself out of your own way to reach out and bond with loved ones. Consider this to be an anomaly that taught you the necessity of self respect and grasping a focus on the kind of future you want to enjoy.

Please continue to write if it helps, and please participate on these boards to help others, because your kindness can be of value to many. Also consider the benefit you may be assigning to feeling victimized when you are far too smart for that--you are a unique and valuable survivor of an involvement that could have turned out far worse given who you were dealing with.

My heart goes out to you, and head high.