Why was he still caring after sleeping together but is now distant?

[CluelessAndConfused]

I (29F) slept with a man (42M). He was still sweet after that, but suddenly became distant and i'm thinking of possible reasons, but i don't know what to do next.



It's been a while since i was involved in a romantic situation, so i became a bit rusty when it comes to love. I would really appreciate any of your opinions/advices about this situation. Thanks a lot!


===


I met this man last month and we instantly hit it off. I have him as a friend on my social media platform since 2022, i think; he would often like my photos but we never talked.


As a coincidence, a few months ago a work friend got into a relationship with someone who is this man's good friend, so we've all found out about this and apparently he asked her to introduce him to me, but she said that he should just text me. Which he did. After talking for a few days, we finally met in real life and it was awesome.


We went on 4 dates in total. I could feel the chemistry between us, he was the complete package: gentleman, communicative, handsome, emotionally intelligent, mature, caring.


He always texted first to check how i was doing and i always let him know that i don't want to bother him by texting first too often but i do think of him everyday (as an entrepreneur, his schedule is very busy). Yet he would always make time to check on me 2-3 times a day and he expressed multiple times that he is noe looking for a relationship, since his last relationship ended 2 years ago.



He even went on a trip and kept texting me from there. Got me a cute souvenir without me having any expectations. The texts were always playful and he would often use the hug and kiss emojis. We would often use silly and cute pet names for each other and well, i felt everything was too good to be true.



While i have my walls up, i could not talk too much about myself just yet, out of fear of not getting attached and end up hurt (which just happened, btw). But he made me want to open up. I was slowly starting to trust him and think that "maybe this is my time to be happy after all the things i've been through in love!", and well, on the 4th date, i was at his house having dinner. Everything was great, we laughed, listened to music, talked.


One thing lead to another and one minute we were kissing in his living room, the other i was in his bed, doing it. He kept saying that i look hot, that i drivr him crazy and it feels so good, but i guess this was only dirty talk. It felt great, he was a bit rough yet gentle, and this is exactly what i like.


I even naturally bonded with his cute dog that, according to him, is not super friendly with everyone who gets in the house and his last relationship was over because the girl couldn't like the dog.



Fast forward, i got back home, he texted to check on me, i did reply and thanked him for being caring.
The next day, he texted me around noon time to say last night was beautiful and to wish me a great day. I sent him a heart react to that message (i was honestly too shy to admit last night was indeed amazing) and a selfie with me at work, asked him how he is doing and he said he is desperate cause he needs to find a new place for his office. We talked a bit about this and i tried cheering him up through text, but that was it, i didn't want to make a super long conversation through text since i didn't want to spam him.


The next day he checked on me again, but i felt something off in the way he replied; the texts were very short and dry compared to before, but i shrugged it off thinking he's just stressed with work.


The next day, it was evening and there was no text from him, so i texted him to check how he is doing and he said it was a very busy day at work. The replies got shorter and sent with delay compared to before; no more emojis in his texts, no more pet names.


Yesterday, i sent him a good morning text calling him sweet thing like i did before, with a kiss emoji as we would do before, and he replied at noon time saying he went to the vet for a routine check-up for his dog and he is now at the coffee shop with his friends, then he needs to take some measurements for a new space. Again, no pet name, no hug/kiss emoji from him. No more "hello, miss", just a dry "morning". He asked me how i'm doing and if i slept well.


I just wished him good luck at the measurements and quickly said how my day is and that i slept good.


Afterwards, i posted a photo of me that i took yesterday and in the evening he liked it, but now it's the next day and there's still no text from him.


I don't know how to proceed next and i keep asking myself the following questions/thoughts:



- Why is there an energy switch? Was it because i gave it up easily and he got what he wanted? He said he wants a relationship though, and he doesn't like one night stands


- Could it be he actually is busy and stressed due to the work situation or is this just an excuse to slowly fade away?


- Was he disappointed in the sex or in my naked body? But then, why did he text me first after the following 2 days, and he even expressed that the night was great? Was he just polite?

- Could he maybe met someone else shortly after sleeping with me and is no longer interested in me?

- Could it be that he realized he doesn't actually like me as a person?


- If he doesn't want to do anything with me anymore, why did he like my photo?


- I told him that it's been a while since i was in a relationship, and that helped me get to know myself more; however i think i was too enthusiastic and wild during the sex, after he went down on me, i did the same as i do believe in fairplay (that was actually the first blowjob i ever gave, i didn't tell him this but he kept saying how good it feels) - since i mentioned that i've been single for a while, could he think that i'm just someone who sleeps around (which is not the case at all) and can't take me seriously anymore?


- He wants to explore other options too?


- Was he expecting that i would compliment his skills and he now thinks i'm not into him?


- Does he think i'm not serious about him since he was the one who mostly initiated plans and conversations? Like i said, i was just afraid of not getting to attached and since i didn't know his intentions, i didn't want to be pushy and be super talkative or proactive when it comes to date ideas



I just don't understand the sudden change, his texting style changed 2-3 days after we had sex. It would've been easier for me to understand if he's not interested if he wouldn't have texted me after that night.


What's the best approach in this case? Should i wait for him to text me? Should i suggest we'd go out? Should i just let him go?
I wish we could have talked face to face and get to know each other more, but i don't want to seem clingy.


Thank you so much if you've read it this far!

[MissCanuck]

Take a deep breath. Your thoughts are spinning. 

49 minutes ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

The next day, he texted me around noon time to say last night was beautiful and to wish me a great day. I sent him a heart react to that message (i was honestly too shy to admit last night was indeed amazing

It would have been nice for you to be bold and say how much you enjoyed it, too. You're too shy to tell him the sex was great, but not to shy to actually have sex with him? That doesn't make sense. 

54 minutes ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

since he was the one who mostly initiated plans and conversations?

It would also be wise to initiate sometimes. In the beginning stages, the man often knows that many women expect him to do so but I think it is important that we ladies volley it back and be the one to initiate conversations and plans sometimes too. 

However, I doubt that it what lead to his seemingly cooler tone. He might have other things going on , or yes, be seeing others. It's hard to say but I would not panic. It's only been 4 dates. Anything could happen. I would reach out and suggest a date. See how he responds. 

 

[Batya33]

I'd ask him out on a date you plan in advance.  Then you will have your answer.  

[Coily]

Right now the ball is in your court, he may seem "cold" as he's not sure how you really feel about him and your romantic evening. He chased, and hard to date you. Now he is wondering, "did she enjoy it?"

You are making yourself an anxious wreck, when you have the power to shoot him a text and let him know you had that "Amazing time." Maybe he did change his mind, maybe he's also unsure about your feelings. Now don't go over board and give him a play by play; but be honest with him (without being clingy).

Also worth noting, we men do get burned out of having to pursue all the time, we like to know we are making progress beyond the physical with a good woman.

[kim42]

I'd simply send him a message to ask him out on a date. Try not to overanalyze his messages, I think what matters is if he wants to go on another date.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

We went on 4 dates in total.

Is there another date planned? Please keep in mind texting is not dating. Perhaps he's cooling off a bit, but you could certainly suggest getting together.  This would resolve a lot of angst and give you some answers depending on his reply. 

[Kwothe28]

I think that anything is possible. Its possible that he just wanted sex. But he didnt "ghosted" and actually checked on you so its also possible that he doesnt view it as "one and done". You can always try to schedule a date and see what he says. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Talk don't text.

 

He may have gotten "it" and is moving on.

 

Talk and see 

[Batya33]

I'd also not think of this as he has to "pursue" -you slept with him so he knows you want him sexually, knows you're ok with casual sex.  If you're comfy enough to get naked with him asking him out for a date is no biggie and it's not chasing or pursuing -simply inviting him on a date with you.

[CluelessAndConfused]

UPDATE:

 

Thank you to anyone who replied, i'm very grateful!

 

A few hours after i posted this, he texted me: "hello, how are you? I'm sorry i went missing like that. I will retract for a bit, i feel no chemistry with you. You're a special girl and i hope we can remain friends 🤗😘".

 

 

I feel so bad, i feel broken and i cried all day long because i was not enough for this.

 

Anyway, i told him that i'm sorry if i wasn't what he expected and that i acted a bit awkward because it's been a while since my last relationship and i got a bit rusty when it comes to both the interpersonal and sexual parts. I said i regret that he didn't get to know the real me. I told him i do like him and respect him a lot, and wished him to find whatever he's searching for.

 

I'm still crying because i don't know what it takes for me to be enough. I really wanted it to be him, but i know such things can't be forced.

 

Thanks again for taking your time to read this and give me advices!

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

UPDATE:

 

Thank you to anyone who replied, i'm very grateful!

 

A few hours after i posted this, he texted me: "hello, how are you? I'm sorry i went missing like that. I will retract for a bit, i feel no chemistry with you. You're a special girl and i hope we can remain friends 🤗😘".

 

 

I feel so bad, i feel broken and i cried all day long because i was not enough for this.

 

Anyway, i told him that i'm sorry if i wasn't what he expected and that i acted a bit awkward because it's been a while since my last relationship and i got a bit rusty when it comes to both the interpersonal and sexual parts. I said i regret that he didn't get to know the real me. I told him i do like him and respect him a lot, and wished him to find whatever he's searching for.

 

I'm still crying because i don't know what it takes for me to be enough. I really wanted it to be him, but i know such things can't be forced.

 

Thanks again for taking your time to read this and give me advices!

I don't think you did anything wrong.  I think his text was cold -and honest but tactless.  Be a special girl to the right person.  I wouldn't be "friends" -please -you don't need to hear about who he is dating or trying to date.  Please in the future don't explain yourself to a person like that -do you want him to say "oh ok let's give it another chance -come over and let's see if this time when we have sex you're more open and yourself.  Ick - you want to audition and impress him?  If someone new in your life tells you that say "thanks for letting me know. I have enough friends for now.  take care."

[CluelessAndConfused]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think you did anything wrong.  I think his text was cold -and honest but tactless.  Be a special girl to the right person.  I wouldn't be "friends" -please -you don't need to hear about who he is dating or trying to date.  Please in the future don't explain yourself to a person like that -do you want him to say "oh ok let's give it another chance -come over and let's see if this time when we have sex you're more open and yourself.  Ick - you want to audition and impress him?  If someone new in your life tells you that say "thanks for letting me know. I have enough friends for now.  take care."

Agreed, i definitely don't plan to be his friend or acquintance, i just wanted to give my final answer in a civilized and not petty manner. Regarding the justifying part, i wasn't expecting a reply; i always thought i couldn't properly open up to him and be 100% myself right from the start, so i didn't want him to have the impression that i'm like that in general. But yeah, now that i think of it, i probably shouldn't have said all that.

 

He probably met someone he instantly clicked with, or maybe he just didn't like the sex with me. Who knows! I'm so afraid of meeting other people and trusting them now, this experience was horrible!

[Kwothe28]

16 minutes ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

A few hours after i posted this, he texted me: "hello, how are you? I'm sorry i went missing like that. I will retract for a bit, i feel no chemistry with you. You're a special girl and i hope we can remain friends 🤗😘".

 

Oof. Sorry to hear that. Could be that he was just after sex then. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

Agreed, i definitely don't plan to be his friend or acquintance, i just wanted to give my final answer in a civilized and not petty manner. Regarding the justifying part, i wasn't expecting a reply; i always thought i couldn't properly open up to him and be 100% myself right from the start, so i didn't want him to have the impression that i'm like that in general. But yeah, now that i think of it, i probably shouldn't have said all that.

 

He probably met someone he instantly clicked with, or maybe he just didn't like the sex with me. Who knows! I'm so afraid of meeting other people and trusting them now, this experience was horrible!

Who the heck cares what his impression is? He's someone you dated a couple of times. For sure if he said I want to see you again but you made a comment about ___ and it hurt my feelings and now I'm not sure -that's up for a discussion.  He gave you TMI -I'd have simply said "hi I had a nice time the other night and I don't think we're a good match.  I wish you well, take care!"

[kim42]

Sorry to hear that!

I wonder if he wanted to remain friends to stay in touch with you and have sex again when he feels like it.

I would stop talking to him, block him if needed.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

 he texted me: "hello, how are you? I'm sorry i went missing like that. I will retract for a bit, i feel no chemistry with you. You're a special girl and i hope we can remain friends 🤗😘"...I feel so bad, i feel broken and i cried all day long because i was not enough for this.

Sorry this happened. Please don't take it personally.  It seems like you dodged a bullet if he's this icy.  Please delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps.  At least he didn't waste more of your time. 

[CluelessAndConfused]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Who the heck cares what his impression is? He's someone you dated a couple of times. For sure if he said I want to see you again but you made a comment about ___ and it hurt my feelings and now I'm not sure -that's up for a discussion.  He gave you TMI -I'd have simply said "hi I had a nice time the other night and I don't think we're a good match.  I wish you well, take care!"

You're right, i was just too vulnerable at that moment and i regret writing all that to him. I can now see that the way i wanted to close the conversation could be easily misinterpreted. I should've not rushed and ask for your guys' advice here before sending anything :/ ughh now i feel even more ashamed! 😂

Oh well, another lesson learned.

 

 

 

 

[CluelessAndConfused]

37 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Sorry to hear that!

I wonder if he wanted to remain friends to stay in touch with you and have sex again when he feels like it.

I would stop talking to him, block him if needed.

Who knows, could be! However i once rejected a guy that i didn't like in a romantic way and i remember i told him that hopefully our friendship won't be affected by this. Maybe this man felt the same way with me. 

Either way, there's no way i'll talk to him again!

[CluelessAndConfused]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Please don't take it personally.  It seems like you dodged a bullet if he's this icy.  Please delete and block him from ALL your social media and messaging apps.  At least he didn't waste more of your time. 

Unfortunately i'm not allowed by the website to give you a thank you reaction, it seems i reached the quota for today haha, but i really thank you for your input! I'm not planning to get into contact with him ever again, and i'm sure he doesn't have any reason to contact me either, so there's no reason to block him since we ended it without any arguments or fights.

If i block him, he might think i'm suffering and i don't want to show him this. 

But as mentioned, i'll definitely won't interact with him again. No reason to. 

[Andrina]

11 hours ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

While i have my walls up, i could not talk too much about myself just yet, out of fear of not getting attached and end up hurt

Just curious about what this means. What exactly do you keep from a man in order not to be hurt?

I'm afraid you will build more armor upon the armor you've already established after this incident.

I don't think your plan is a sound one. How about a happy medium? Because you neither want to be gung-ho and give your whole heart without reservation to a brand new guy in your life, nor is it in your best interest to put up walls so that the person gets frustrated that he's speaking to a one-dimensional person versus the normal three-dimensional woman.

For future dating, just take it as a wait-and-see situation without projecting to the future, seeing how it goes with each step along the way, staying in the moment and noting both good signs and red flags. 

Instead of a goal of not getting hurt, your goal should be attempting to choose a dating partner wisely, and that you will be resilient no matter the outcome. Because even men without red flags could just stop feeling it for any reason. Or they are the type that bail after getting some intimacy and are not the type to want to put in the effort of a serious relationship. Sometimes it's hard to tell what a guy's true motives are. Just use your gut feelings and your brain. In this situation, I would've had high hopes just as you did and would've been surprised at the outcome as well. I hope a keeper comes your way because you deserve the best. Take care.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

Who knows, could be! However i once rejected a guy that i didn't like in a romantic way and i remember i told him that hopefully our friendship won't be affected by this. Maybe this man felt the same way with me. 

Either way, there's no way i'll talk to him again!

Good. Were you good friends first?

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

...he expressed multiple times that he is noe looking for a relationship, since his last relationship ended 2 years ago.

Did you mean that he is NOT or he is NOW looking for a relationship?

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Did you mean that he is NOT or he is NOW looking for a relationship?

Oh. I read it as not. Good point !

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, CluelessAndConfused said:

...i always thought i couldn't properly open up to him and be 100% myself right from the start,

Okay, good observation. So that's your signal going forward not to invest in sex with anyone with whom you don't feel comfortable enough to be open and yourself.

You did nothing 'wrong,' but this is something valuable to take from the experience. Don't dismiss your own intuition. If it keeps you closed to someone, that's for a good reason.

Quote

...so i didn't want him to have the impression that I'm ...

Oh, dear, he didn't deserve your concern about his impression. You don't need to apologize for not feeling comfortable with someone. That's not your fault.

Try thinking of this like trying to fit two puzzle pieces that don't belong together. Neither one is 'wrong', they both have equal value, they just don't align with one another.

If you can view it like that, you won't fear rejection because it only reflects another's limitations rather than any deficiency in you.

Of course we'd all love for everyone to love us, but the reality is, most people are NOT our match. Think of why every acquaintance you know has NOT become your best friend. You only have simpatico with certain people. That's not bad, it's how it's supposed to be. Otherwise, what would be so special about love?

Head high.