What do I do when my boyfriend says he loves me, but we can't be together?

[aiessa419]

I met my boyfriend on tinder in October 2021. We spent a year talking over text just as friends and only hung out a couple of times. He is a very isolated person and was very averse to relationships. In October 2022 he invited me out to the bar as I had just recently turned 21. He invited me back to his apartment and he finally asked me to be his girlfriend. Nothing has ever been as perfect as we are. He seemed so aloof when we talked as just friends, but he was  the most caring and sweet person once we got together. He told me he had never been so happy before and that I taught him about love and changed the way he sees himself and the world. I have never clicked with someone like I have him. We were so happy and even if we had a disagreement, he always remained calm and encouraged me to talk about how I was feeling. He was always interested in my hobbies, he encouraged me to go back to school, and was my number one supporter. We had so much fun together, when we were together everything in the world felt okay. We were best friends. I know he truly truly loves me and he would have done anything for me. He was so loyal.  He has very strict rules about respect in a relationship. He took it very seriously. We went on a three day trip for my birthday this year and everything went great. We almost always get along. We share the exact same taste in music and media. We have the same views on not wanting children, religion, and politics. Everyone around us revered us for how perfect we were together. I remember one of my friends saying that is we ever broke up she wouldn't believe in love anymore. He never pressured me to do anything I don't want and treated me the best anyone could. He never did anything wrong. 

 

We had a designated day once a week that we spent together. He needs a lot of alone time and while that bothered me some, I learned to adapt to that and I respected it. If there was a special event on the weekend we would go together, it wasn't always just once a week. We texted all day every day and never got tired of each other. He wrote songs for me and performed them at our local venues and always mentioned me. He was never embarrassed of me. He brought me around his friends and his mom and they all loved me. His mother told me she had never seen him so happy before. I could not have asked for a better man. We are both artists and we would make things for each other and he truly treasured them. 

 

The only thing was that he would very rarely open up to me about anything and even if he did talk about his past it was in a very matter of fact way. He just said what happened but never how he felt about it. The only times he would express real feeling was the love he had for me or his cat or if someone at work had upset him. He has this mindset that if you can't change something, you shouldn't let it bother you and you should just move on. He is very independent and from everything I had seen he was very put together. Nothing ever truly bothered him deeply. He did share with me that he has bipolar disorder and had self harmed and been in a psychiatric facility during his teenage years. He never let on like these things truly bothered him anymore and that he had somehow found a way to deal with it. On occasion he would have a few days or so that he would feel "weird" and that he wanted to be alone for. I respected this and tried to understand what he was feeling but all he ever said was that he felt down or blue or just plain weird with no reasoning. I could understand that, I get that too. He was always interested in hearing about my feelings and tried to help me through them. I just didn't feel like we every talked about real serious things when it came to him. The beginning of December after celebrating our one year anniversary in October I brought this up to him. I told him that it felt shallow and superficial. He agreed and he told me that there just seems to be some wall between him and everyone and that he feels "far away" from people. He said that he knows he loves me but wasn't sure if he was enough for him. I was certain that we could work it out thought and after having an in person talk things felt better.

 

Now, this week after having our weekly hang out I had gotten upset about him telling me that on occasion he looks at porn on reddit to jerk off to. This made me feel very insecure and I called him on the phone later after leaving his house to try and talk it out. Admittedly, I got a little heated and expressed how much this hurt me. He started to sound different and was just saying over and over "I don't know what to do" and that this was too much for him. I could hear how freaked out he was in his voice.  I suggested I come over so that we could hug and we could talk in person as that always seems to help things. I was nervous on my way over, but I never expected what would happen. 

 

As soon as I sat down he told me this wasn't working for him. He said it wasn't right anymore. He told me it wasn't about the porn and that he understood my feelings about that and that it wasn't respectful for him to do. I think that my emotional outburst finally was too much for him. He told me things just hadn't felt right since I brought up the relationship feeling shallow. He said that it was true and that he had been trying, but he just can't fully connect with me. He again brought up the idea of there being a wall between him and everyone else, even his mom. He said that I feel "a million miles away" although I am his best friend and that he loves me more than anyone in the world. he said that he has never been as close to someone as he has to me, but he feels like he has a part missing or is a robot of some type because he just can't connect. I know his relationship with his father was very traumatic as a child and there were periods of time where he didn't speak to him for years. I can't help, but think this has something to do with the way he is. He told me its better if he's alone and that he needs to be alone and away from people. He then expressed that he expereienced suicidal ideation every single day and that he is very unhappy. This came as a complete shock to me as he never lets on like this and is always tlaking about how bessed he feels to have a great job, have great firneds, and a girlfriend he loves. I just feel that this is worth fighting for. What we have is special and he agreed with me on that. He told me I was the sweetest girl in the world and no one had ever made him feeli like me and that yes, he was happy when we were together, but not in a "substantial" way. I'm just not sure waht any of this means. I've been trying to do research on waht might be wrong with him, but nothing is like him. He isn't cold and mean. He is warm and kind and I just don't understand. I don't know how to go about this. This came out of the blue and I'm not sure how to go on. I know that we are meant to be together. He says that we are too, but he's just too weird. He says he tried so hard, but he never talked to me about htis. I feel that there is something worth fighting for here. What do I do now?  

[Batya33]

I would accept that he doesn’t want to and or is not available to be with you. Loving feelings are not enough for a relationship especially a serious romantic relationship. I’d leave analysis and research to the experts. You are not one. And you are biased as you want an answer that will justify “fighting “. Takes two to work for a relationship. Not one. I’d tell him if he has suicidal ideation to call a crisis hotline , tell his parents or a trusted friend and or seek therapy. Please leave him alone as far as his interactions with you. He told you he wants to be alone and can’t or doesn’t want to be with you. Respect that. I’m sorry you’re disappointed. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, aiessa419 said:

. We spent a year talking over text just as friends.  he has bipolar disorder and had self harmed and been in a psychiatric facility , this week after having our weekly hang out I had gotten upset about him telling me that on occasion he looks at porn on reddit to jerk off to.. I got a little heated and expressed how much this hurt me. He started to sound different and was just saying over and over "I don't know what to do" and that this was too much for him.

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Unfortunately he's not mentally stable enough for a relationship. Please don't police or beat up men about porn or masturbation. It's not about you.

Sadly you don't seem good for each other or a good fit. Hopefully he has trusted friends and family nearby and is taking care of his mental health. 

Please set yourself free. Not meeting for a year is a huge red flag. Please be more careful getting involved with online men. 

[aiessa419]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Unfortunately he's not mentally stable enough for a relationship. Please don't police or beat up men about porn or masturbation. It's not about you.

Sadly you don't seem good for each other or a good fit. Hopefully he has trusted friends and family nearby and is taking care of his mental health. 

Please set yourself free. Not meeting for a year is a huge red flag. Please be more careful getting involved with online men. 

It wasn't the porn or masturbation in general, I completely understand that it is necessary for men to do this. He is twenty four years old and I am twenty two. The problem I had was that he said he looks at pictures of only naked women on reddit. I wouldn't have a problem if it was videos or stuff like that. He has very strict rules for what is and isn't respectful in relationships such as not corresponding with female friends anymore so I found it very shocking that was okay in his book. 

[Andrina]

From the outside looking in, you're really too accepting for your own good. You're letting your love for him override the fact he only gives you one dimension instead of the normal 3. Perhaps he loved you to his fullest extent, but his fullest extent falls short of what an ideal lifetime partner should be.

Healthy relationships progress instead of staying stagnant. You've been together over a year and it's the rare exception to meet more than once per week? What I'm seeing is that you shove your needs aside to appease him at any cost--even your own happiness. Even if he hadn't broken up with you, what do you think this separateness and his extreme need for solo time would look like if he ever actually agreed to live with you. Would he be in a man cave 6 days of the week, and you're expected not to disturb his alone time?

You're only 21 and the decision making skills part of your brain, the pre-frontal cortex, won't reach it's adult capabilities for about another 4 years. As someone much older, I'm telling you that your standards are way to low. Perhaps when you get some time and distance away from this "starter" relationship, you will be a little more clearheaded to realize that him breaking up with you was for the best. Take care.

[MissCanuck]

I think your pain is leading you to scramble desperately the for the rose-coloured glasses here, because what you say about your relationship in the first part of your post doesn't really line up with the red flags that followed: 

1) You admit it bothered you that you typically only saw each other once a week, which is understandable. It is strange to me that you two had to designate a day to do so, rather than your natural mutual desire to spend more time together. 

2) You admit your relationship felt superficial and shallow. Your gut was trying to talk to you. 

This relationship no doubt had its loving moments and you enjoyed each other on some level, but it doesn't really sound as amazing as you present it here. There was obviously something signficant really missing.  He was therefore right to end it, much as it hurts. He knew he didn't feel the way you did anymore and he's always kept some distance between you two. This wouldn't have been sustainable in the long run, and he knew it. I agree with @Andrina that it appears you stuffed down your own needs to try to keep him around even when it didn't actually feel good. 

2 hours ago, aiessa419 said:

I feel that there is something worth fighting for here

But he doesn't, girl. It's sad and painful, I know. But you can't fight for anything when the other person doesn't want what you want. 

2 hours ago, aiessa419 said:

This came out of the blue

Not really, though. He's always been a bit out of arm's reach. Perhaps you didn't really want to see it before, but this relationship was not likely to last. 

2 hours ago, aiessa419 said:

What do I do now?  

There is nothing you can or should do but accept his choice. We can't make people want to be with us when they just don't feel it. It wil be very hard to accept this,  and I think many of us have been in your shoes at some point in our lives. Believe me when I say that sticking around and trying to hang on won't work out well for you. 

Take care of yourself now. 

[kaboom1218]

It seems that everybody is missing out on two key factors here: he’s bipolar and sounds like he suffers from depression, so with him dealing with those two major things currently, it definitely explains why he isolates himself and his moods/decisions may be unpredictable and unstable.

I don’t know if you’ve had that discussion with him, but I’d say the main advice to offer him is to seek counseling to resolve whatever mental and emotional issues he might have on top of maybe needing to be prescribed medication to improve his mindset.

It seems like someone in his situation is definitely not ready for a relationship, so maybe once he receives some help and healing, he’ll be better equipped for one. Until then, stay in touch and offer whatever support you can as a friend, although I know that seems hard at this time.🙂

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, kaboom1218 said:

It seems that everybody is missing out on two key factors here: he’s bipolar and sounds like he suffers from depression

No, I didn't miss that. 

It simply doesn't change my opinion of what's happened. 

[kaboom1218]

Well, no one else mentioned that crucial info in their advice and I don’t think you can advise on this matter w/o mentioning/considering that!🤔

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Unfortunately he's not mentally stable enough for a relationship. 

 

1 minute ago, kaboom1218 said:

no one else mentioned that crucial info in their advice 

 

[kaboom1218]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

 

 

Well, that could be a lot of people, but no one advised her to suggest he get help which is the most important thing for him now.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, kaboom1218 said:

Well, no one else mentioned that crucial info in their advice and I don’t think you can advise on this matter w/o mentioning/considering that!🤔

He's older than her, has already been in a psychiatric hospital in the past. He's an adult and knows he can get further mental help if he wanted it. He dumped her, and she's supposed to stick around as a friend to support him? No, I don't agree with any of that advice. She needs to cut contact for closure and be able to move on, which will be impossible if she stays in contact because she didn't want the unstable relationship to end. Relationships end for all kinds of reasons. It doesn't mean you're a bad person for not moving into a new relationship as "friends." That's often the worst thing you can do. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, kaboom1218 said:

I don’t think you can advise on this matter w/o mentioning/considering that!🤔

No, I don't agree. 

2 hours ago, kaboom1218 said:

no one advised her to suggest he get help

I am quite sure he doesn't need her guidance on his mental health. Suggesting he get help would be akin to making sure he knows that water is wet. 

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

she's supposed to stick around as a friend to support him? No, I don't agree with any of that advice.

Neither do I. It's a recipe for her to get hurt even further and just not a smart idea. 
 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, kaboom1218 said:

 no one advised her to suggest he get help which is the most important thing for him now.

He has friends family and doctors. There are also excellent mental health hotlines for people to get immediate help in a crisis. Stepping back and allowing him to take care of himself is the best option for all involved. She's not his psychiatrist.