Have I been used?

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Yeah I don't know what some of you are talking about. After I became intimate with a man, he called 30 minutes after he left and 4 times the next day. 

I hear ya!   Which can be a bit too much in the other extreme (for me anyway).

Point is for most men, when interested in more than casual, they wouldn't wait days. 

I am pretty sure @MsBlondeseeks more than casual. 

[Batya33]

Different I suppose but my future husband met up platonically twice in two weeks - after 7 years apart.  I didn't have a cell -no texting.  He did. We were not yet dating.  After the second meet up -I felt sparks -wasn't sure he did - totally platonic interaction -he didn't contact me for over a week.  I contacted him once the day after we met up and -with a lame excuse -a week later by email.  That is when he asked me to meet up a 3rd time a week from then. 

Again -platonic (I think he preferred weekends).  That evening was when he asked me to get back together. I am sure he wasn't dating anyone else.  It's possible he had unfinished business/logistics with an ex girlfriend -yes a recent ex.  I never asked.  I still don't know lol 18 years later. 

Once we got back together we spoke daily on the phone -once a day at night -and emailed some in between and saw each other when we could (complicated long distance situation that began soon after we got back together but it was obvious we both wanted to see each other as often as possible).  Yes different since we weren't dating but absolutely a change in communication. I also gleaned from it that he was thinking about whether and when to get back together and talking to friends. I believe if i thought he was pursuing others -- I'm not sure if I'd been cool with the communication. Since we were just friends at that point I was dating others.  And then stopped!

[Wiseman2]

On 1/18/2024 at 6:46 AM, MsBlonde said:

. He did then message the next morning saying he had a great time and is looking forward to seeing me again soon

He not only called her the next day, he asked her out and kept his promise. 

21 minutes ago, yogacat said:

 he called 30 minutes after he left and 4 times the next day. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He not only called her the next day, he asked her and kept his promise. 

OK Wise, missed that. Fair enough. Wish @MsBlondewould have clarified earlier. 

But my bad for missing it.

[Sindy_0311]

16 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

OK Wise, missed that. Fair enough. Wish @MsBlondewould have clarified earlier. 

But my bad for missing it.

Doesn’t make any difference in my opinion. They used to text daily and he went silent for 5 days after sex… he now treats her more casually because he got what he wanted… definitely not boyfriend material… 

[yogacat]

20 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He not only called her the next day, he asked her out and kept his promise. 

 

No. Point is my guy didn't follow any rules unlike what this guy seems to be doing.

[Sindy_0311]

1 minute ago, yogacat said:

No. Point is my guy didn't follow any rules unlike what this guy seems to be doing.

My guy neither. After our first date he came to visit me at work to surprise me. I didn’t tell him where I was working, he searched through the streets of my little town for a decoration store and found me. It was so cute from him. 

[Tinydance]

To me it seems like he's not super into it in the sense that he's really feeling the big connection, sparks, etc. I know that after three dates you're not really together and he's not required to text you constantly or anything like that. But at the same time, if he really liked you I don't think he would not reply to you for a week. Like, if he really wants a relationship in general and wants to see where it goes, why would he just drop off for a week. Especially as you did say that he was texting a lot at the start. 

He might not really be looking for a relationship or he's happy to see you in a casual capacity. Like, continue seeing each other as FWB or whatever but still dating other people. I wouldn't necessarily say he used you because he probably did have the intentions to keep getting to know you. If he didn't push for sex straight away but only had sex on the third date when you invited him over yourself. 

I also don't think that having sex on the third date means the guy couldn't be interested in you. I had sex with some of my ex - partners after 2 - 3 dates and we ended up being in a serious relationship. Some of them I even lived with or was engaged to them. So if someone really likes you they won't just stop liking you just because you had sex. I think just as likely he could have lost some interest even if you didn't have sex. But having sex made it feel a lot more intimate so it feels a lot more disappointing to you I imagine.

[MrMan1983]

Lots of pages of over analysis going on here. I wouldn't read massively into it him taking a while to organise date two at this point, actions speak louder than words/silly texts and who knows maybe he's just focussing on the dating bit now but the fact is he has followed through to organise date two which indicates interest. Is anything more required at this point? Would suggest going along and enjoying the night/seeing how it goes, at this point you're just getting to know each other (even if you both got a little carried away on date one). These things can grow as you get to know each other more, even if (for example) one person isn't burning as hot after just one date. Enjoy!

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I also don't think that having sex on the third date means the guy couldn't be interested in you. I had sex with some of my ex - partners after 2 - 3 dates and we ended up being in a serious relationship. Some of them I even lived with or was engaged to them. So if someone really likes you they won't just stop liking you just because you had sex. I think just as likely he could have lost some interest even if you didn't have sex. But having sex made it feel a lot more intimate so it feels a lot more disappointing to you I imagine.

Totally agree.  The only lost interest is when the woman or man is just focused on chasing a person for sex.  I had a woman friend who never waited to have sex as it was important to her to see how they were in bed ASAP.  I couldn't relate to that at all or any choices around casual sex and I totally saw how relationships start in many different ways.  I do think the key is self honesty so if the person is lying to themselves about expectations from casual or early sex etc that can lead to issues and even sabotage what would have been a good relationship perhaps.

[MrMan1983]

11 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

My guy neither. After our first date he came to visit me at work to surprise me. I didn’t tell him where I was working, he searched through the streets of my little town for a decoration store and found me. It was so cute from him. 

His gamble paid off then, a lot of people would be freaked out by someone rocking up at their workplace after one date 😆 Can just imagine his forum post "I had a lovely first date with a lady last night, she said she worked at a decoration store in a local town, shall I surprise her by showing up at her workplace??" people would have a field day 😂

[kim42]

30 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

His gamble paid off then, a lot of people would be freaked out by someone rocking up at their workplace after one date 😆 Can just imagine his forum post "I had a lovely first date with a lady last night, she said she worked at a decoration store in a local town, shall I surprise her by showing up at her workplace??" people would have a field day 😂

I would be freaked out for sure, I don't open up to people easily and don't like surprises like this, so for me it would be a red flag.

[Sindy_0311]

1 hour ago, MrMan1983 said:

His gamble paid off then, a lot of people would be freaked out by someone rocking up at their workplace after one date 😆 Can just imagine his forum post "I had a lovely first date with a lady last night, she said she worked at a decoration store in a local town, shall I surprise her by showing up at her workplace??" people would have a field day 😂

Yes, i was shocked. 😂 I even told him that i dont like surprises. But he came 4 times again after that just to rob a kiss after he finished work. So I guess it’s his way of courting me, or women in general… 🤷‍♀️

[Sindy_0311]

32 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I would be freaked out for sure, I don't open up to people easily and don't like surprises like this, so for me it would be a red flag.

Why would it be a red flag? He comes see me because he wants to kiss me and because we couldn’t meet as I was with my son. He is just showing through action that he enjoys me… this is not a love bombing strategy, he doesn’t say inappropriate or pushy things, he just makes time and putts some level of efforts in it.

[kim42]

21 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why would it be a red flag? He comes see me because he wants to kiss me and because we couldn’t meet as I was with my son. He is just showing through action that he enjoys me… this is not a love bombing strategy, he doesn’t say inappropriate or pushy things, he just makes time and putts some level of efforts in it.

I wouldn't feel comfortable if a man I went on a date with would find out where I work and show up there as a surprise. For me it's too invasive.

[Sindy_0311]

21 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I wouldn't feel comfortable if a man I went on a date with would find out where I work and show up there as a surprise. For me it's too invasive.

Good point. I never tell guys where I work in early stage. But I guess we both sensed something special on that first date. Maybe he got some kind of hint that I would appreciate his surprise. Also have to mention that he drove me to my door at the end of the date, so he knew where I was living. I gave him permission to do so. (Which again I don’t do so often)

 But let’s concentrate on @MsBlonde topic… this not my thread. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

21 hours ago, kim42 said:

I mean we didn't see the entire conversation so I'm not sure how they moved from 'weekends' to 'week nights' but I don't think it has to be a red flag.

Exactly. This is what cracks me up about some of the posters here - they latch onto a sentence that someone relayed in a cliff-note version of their life and then assign all of this doomsday stuff to it. Like, we didn’t see the entire conversation, I can think of many benevolent reasons someone may have said “weekend” but the final plans turned to a weekday 

[rainbowsandroses]

36 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Exactly. This is what cracks me up about some of the losers here - they latch onto a sentence that someone relayed in a cliff-note version of their life and then assign all of this doomsday stuff to it. Like, we didn’t see the entire conversation, I can think of many benevolent reasons someone may have said “weekend” but the final plans turned to a weekday 

Oh man, that was unnecessary.

No one latched on to anything, it was everything combined, mostly the fact he didn't bother reaching out for 5 days after first time sex (except for briefly the following day which was missed by some including myself.)

I have since retracted and posted that changing from weekend to weekday was FINE.

Calling fellow members "losers" for having a different opinion or not seeing things the way YOU do? 

Flat out disrespectful and unwarranted.

[NighttimeNightmare]

3 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

oh man, that was unnecessary.

Why would I come here and call people losers? The ‘p’ is next to the ‘L’ on my keyboard and I accidentally typed “losters” instead of “posters” which then autocorrected to “losers.” You responded and bolded it before I had a chance to finalize my edit. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

17 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No one latched on to anything, it was everything combined, mostly the fact he didn't bother reaching out for 5 days after first time sex

Yes people did latch onto things. I just sat here and read pages and pages of it, accusing this guy of not being interested just because his behaviors don’t match what you would require before you “next” the person, is ridiculous.  You can’t apply your “standards” to someone else’s life and men are not a monolith  

also, he did reach out, the next day, and told her he had a great time and would be in touch about a date, which is exactly what happened. 

And even if he never said that, we have no idea what was going through his head during the absence. I’ve seen message boards where woman talk about axing a dude because he became overly obsessive after being intimate.  Maybe this guy didn’t want to come off like that? If, as they continue to know one another, she finds text lapses like that bother her, and they become a pattern with him, it’s on her to have that conversation when appropriate - expressing her needs and communicating this  to him  

there’s a lot of things that are being subconsciously worked out when you first meet someone and pulling the trigger on something too early because they didn’t follow what Google said is potentially shooting yourself in the foot

if you feel this methodology has worked for you, great. In fact, I’d expect it to appear to work: if we think something is bad, and we get rid of the bad, then we believe we’ve won. Regardless of if it was actually good for us. 🤷‍♂️ 

and ya, this guy could turn out to be a raging a**hole but it still wouldn’t mean that a 5day text lapse was prophetic 

[rainbowsandroses]

14 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

also, he did reach out, the next day, and told her he had a great time and would be in touch about a date, which is exactly what happened. 

Yes I know, I missed this at first, and changed my tune after @Wiseman2pointed it out.  I posted this in my last post in response to yours.

I also posted that I'm giving the benefit of any doubt and that it sounds positive.

So for me, although I had a strong opinion at first, after more information, I changed my opinion and as such have not "latched on" to anything.

14 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

If you feel this methodology has worked for you, great.

No it doesn't "work" for me and if you considered all my posts on this forum including how big of a supporter I was and am in your own situation, you'd realize that.

[NighttimeNightmare]

19 hours ago, yogacat said:

Yeah I don't know what some of you are talking about. After I became intimate with a man, he called 30 minutes after he left and 4 times the next day. 

we can’t really say “this here is what a man does when he’s interested!,” when many would swap the word “interested” with “unstable” depending on their own unique experiences and complexity of the situation at hand. There are women out there whom this behavior would outright scare

However, if it worked for you, cool, but it just goes to show that what works for some does not work for others. 
 

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Yes I know, I missed this at first, and changed my tune after @Wiseman2pointed it out.  I posted this in my last post in response to yours.

It was said 3x. Twice before wiseman brought it up.  I feel it just sort of shows we all can get caught up in our POVs, with good intentions, but miss the reality of what’s being relayed by the OPs.  We end up giving advice based on a reality the OP isn’t actually experiencing. And if it’s that easy to miss things that were actually posted here and relayed to us, imagine the thousands of nuances going on in an OPs real life, that aren’t posted, that we will never have access to whilst attempting to give advice.  But I’m sure you know this 

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So for me, although I had a strong opinion at first, after more information, I changed my opinion

Ok fair enough. Back to the task at hand, I suppose 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Exactly. This is what cracks me up about some of the posters here - they latch onto a sentence that someone relayed in a cliff-note version of their life and then assign all of this doomsday stuff to it. Like, we didn’t see the entire conversation, I can think of many benevolent reasons someone may have said “weekend” but the final plans turned to a weekday 

Yes, I think it's easy to miss some details that are in fact important, or pay attention to one thing instead of seeing the bigger picture.

I saw it in my thread, about the long distance guy, some posters got some basic facts wrong and kept repeating wrong information on several pages.

Anyway, I hope @MsBlonde will keep us posted!

[rainbowsandroses]

37 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

It was said 3x. Twice before wiseman brought it up.  I feel it just sort of shows we all can get caught up in our POVs, with good intentions, but miss the reality of what’s being relayed by the OPs.  We end up giving advice based on a reality the OP isn’t actually experiencing...

I agree there is a fair amount of projection that takes place here.  Our opinions are based on our own experiences, perceptions and intuition, and on what the OP provides. 

Here, the OP's reality was she experiencing distress, she was anxious and hurt that after coming on strong before sex, after sex, he dropped off.   That is a fact, not anyone's projection or perception.

There were many of us posting about his failure to reach out for 5 days and it would have been helpful at that time if she would have reminded us that he DID in fact reach out briefly the following day. 

When responses are coming in so fast, it's easy to miss one or two.

Not blaming her but I feel you're being unfairly critical of some of us. 

We are all here trying to help, it's important to remember that.

If we get it wrong sometimes, so be, it happens sometimes, it's just the nature of the beast so to speak on advice forums.