My [21] girlfriend [20] continues to ask why I hate her

[jimmyb]

My girlfriend of multiple years now has struggled with anxiety in the past (formerly on medication, not anymore). Relatively constantly throughout our relationship, she asks me why I hate/don't love her, particularly during periods when we are apart for longer than a few days. At first, I didn't mind telling her that it was ridiculous, and of course I love her because why would I be with her if not, etc. She has high self awareness – she understand that she just wants validation and love from me. Even though she's explained that, it started to make me feel bad for not being a good enough partner, etc. So I brought it up to her that it was mentally taxing for me when she says that, especially daily even after I send long romantic messages to assure her of my love. She profusely apologizes and cries, but continues to do it, sometimes even after a few days. We've probably had the conversation a half dozen times now, yet she continues to ask why I hate her. I want to avoid making her upset by bringing it up again, especially if she's not going to change in the future. 

How should I tackle this? Should I take it on the chin and ignore how it makes me feel? Should I tell her again how it makes me feel bad when she says that? Or another approach? Thank you very much.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, jimmyb said:

Should I take it on the chin and ignore how it makes me feel?

Absolutely not. 

You also should not need to tell her yet again how damaging this is to the relationship. You have tried that and it did not work. 

Is she in counselling? I would strongly suggest she start, and make it clear to her that while you love her and want to continue the relationship, it simply cannot go on like this and you need to see real progress. She needs to take actual steps to address her behaviour and not simply say she won't do it again. 

What are you prepared to do if nothing changes? 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, jimmyb said:

 – she understand that she just wants validation and love from me. Even though she's explained that, it started to make me feel bad for not being a good enough partner, etc. 

Sorry this is happening. Does she live with parents? Work? Go to school?  How is the relationship otherwise? 

Please Google "emotional extortion". This is what she's doing and she's fully aware of it. It's intended to make you jump through hoops showering her with love and attention to an exhausting extent. 

No it's not sustainable. Unfortunately you can't fix or change her. Please ask her to knock it off.  If she does it again, stop rewarding the behavior. Simply tell her "I can't do this anymore, it's exhausting"

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, jimmyb said:

We've probably had the conversation a half dozen times now, yet she continues to ask why I hate her.

I would stop the conversation and ask, "Why are you asking me this again?"

Let her explain herself without interruption. Then say, "Well, I've already explained that I'm offended by the question, so I won't answer it again. You get to decide whether we should move forward with our conversation about other things, or not."

Rinse, repeat every time she asks this.

[reinventmyself]

Her insecurity is hers to manage, not yours.

It sounds as if her anxiety is running the show and anytime apart, she starts to panic.   I don't think placating her with all the reassurance she demands will make a difference.  So, if something isn't working, then you do something different.

I would be honest with her about the emotional toll this takes on you.   If there is a good way to do it, I'd encourage her to explore some therapy and get back on the anxiety medication.