advice on how to stop thinking about my ex

[miffy]

Hello, I hope everyone’s doing well. 

It’s been months since I’ve last been on here; I thought I was doing really well and handling myself pretty good but lately I’ve been feeling quite sad again and missing my ex…

I know it’s all nostalgia for what we had and could have been, and I have no intention of going back. I don’t have him on any social media, his contact is blocked, and I haven’t spoken to him in months. I’ve been seeing my therapist regularly to process my emotions and work through them, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with my best friend and my family, travelling around and doing fun activities to keep my mind busy. I definitely feel much freer and happier than I’ve been in the past year and I really believe I’m making a little progress, but I’m really getting fed up with the healing process and how often my mind tends to stray from my goals and motivation for the future back to him.

Everyone, my family, my friends, my therapist, says that it takes time to heal and I’ll continue to feel like this for awhile, but I’m so tired of feeling sad and missing him. I’m sick of thinking of him every time there’s a break in my thoughts. I’m sick of seeing him in my dreams. I’m sick of him being the first thing to come up in my mind whenever I see a happy couple. It’s so annoying to me and I wish I could just forget him and the relationship completely.

Don’t get me wrong, I still look back on it with a lot of love and grace, since I learned so much and I feel I’ve grown a little bit and have a lot more growing to do, but with the new year coming up, I just want to move on with my life. Any other advice other than ‘time will heal’? I just want to be better and do better… Thank you for reading all the way through. I hope you’re doing well.

[vaxxter510]

Hi Miffy, I'm sorry you are going through this difficult moment. Looks like you have done taken actions to move on but are still having a hard time. 

I checked back on your original post about the break up and it reminded me in a similar situation I was in years ago when it took all my will power to finally get over someone. I was in an abusive relationship with a woman I loved very much, and this person's emotional state pretty much dictated whether we were going to have a good day or not. Getting over these intense relationships can be difficult so what worked for me was to have better understanding of what I experienced. Here is a few things that worked for me and I recommend:

Please watch Teal Swan's youtube video on "Intermittent Reinforcement". This video explains how intense relationships can become so addictive because of the lack of consistency and balance and the constant chase for validation from conflictive individuals.  This may give you insight on why is it so hard to move on. 

Grieving is necessary but it can become very counter productive for every day tasks, I was tired of being interrupted by deep sadness and making excuses at work to go and cry in my car. So I started setting reminders to "feel sad for 10 minutes" on a schedule lol I know it sounds dumb. But it allowed myself to be okay with my grieving process and more importantly, to be connected with the present moment when it still wasn't time for that break yet. Eventually something funny happened, when the "feel sad" alert came up on my phone I kept postponing it until it was no longer needed.

Aside from being emotional, getting over someone is a very physical process. Put your body in the best position to deal with the pain. Engage in regular exercise, HIIT workouts are specially good at helping you get rid of all that stagnant emotional energy. Hydrate, and eat healthy. I usually avoid most carbs because they have a tendency to make me want to eat again while I'm not hungry, which in turn affects how I feel. I'm not suggesting my diet to you, but look up online for foods that will help your body feel better emotionally. I bet you sugar, bread and pasta and not in there lol. 

Engage in activities that you have never done before. In my darkest times I usually learned a new skill or hobby. I took salsa classes, learned photography and even practiced dragon boat racing. I also made a few meaningful connections along the way. 

It will still take time to heal but practicing self awareness and feeling strong will absolutely get you being the better version of yourself sooner.  Like you said, there is a point where family and friends can't help anymore, or they're already tired of hearing your updates lol I sure tormented people around me too long... that's why it's important to be intentional and proactive about moving on. 

You are young, and will only come out of this a better, stronger person. Right now it doesn't sound realistic but one day you will look back in a very different light. 

[Jaunty]

I remember your story; I posted on your other thread.

It seems as if you are re-writing the past, when you associate seeing the happy couples with your relationship with this person.

Your relationship was quite consistently abusive, if your recounting of it in that thread was accurate.

I don't want to encourage you to think about that stuff, because ruminating about how vile he was and how he victimized you is not healthier than romanticizing your relatively short time together. But, I do think it would be smart for you to do a quick "reality check" when you find yourself looking back on that relationship "with love."  

It does not sound like love was in play.

You wrote that he force you to abandon your dream of being an actress.  You are still very young.  Do you still have that dream?   If you do, pursue it.  It will take up most of your energy and head space.  If you are not wanting to be a professional actress anymore, maybe you would still enjoy acting in a community theatre production or independent film.  Those pursuits also will take up a LOT of your time, energy and head space - requiring you to develop a character, learn lines, and be present for a bunch of rehearsals.

Also, do you have a job?

[miffy]

8 hours ago, vaxxter510 said:

Please watch Teal Swan's youtube video on "Intermittent Reinforcement". This video explains how intense relationships can become so addictive because of the lack of consistency and balance and the constant chase for validation from conflictive individuals.  This may give you insight on why is it so hard to move on. 

Grieving is necessary but it can become very counter productive for every day tasks, I was tired of being interrupted by deep sadness and making excuses at work to go and cry in my car. So I started setting reminders to "feel sad for 10 minutes" on a schedule lol I know it sounds dumb. But it allowed myself to be okay with my grieving process and more importantly, to be connected with the present moment when it still wasn't time for that break yet. Eventually something funny happened, when the "feel sad" alert came up on my phone I kept postponing it until it was no longer needed.

Aside from being emotional, getting over someone is a very physical process. Put your body in the best position to deal with the pain. Engage in regular exercise, HIIT workouts are specially good at helping you get rid of all that stagnant emotional energy. Hydrate, and eat healthy. I usually avoid most carbs because they have a tendency to make me want to eat again while I'm not hungry, which in turn affects how I feel. I'm not suggesting my diet to you, but look up online for foods that will help your body feel better emotionally. I bet you sugar, bread and pasta and not in there lol. 

Engage in activities that you have never done before. In my darkest times I usually learned a new skill or hobby. I took salsa classes, learned photography and even practiced dragon boat racing. I also made a few meaningful connections along the way. 

Wow, thank you so so much for your insight. I really appreciate you sharing your own experience; it really helps me to feel a little less down about feeling the way I do. 

My diet and exercise are very poor as I tend to eat little to nothing and I don’t do much physical activity so I can see how that could affect my emotional state too. Thank you for bringing that to my awareness.

As well, I actually really love your idea of setting the “feel sad” reminder, as I can that working for myself, and I imagine it would feel really nice to reach the day where I no longer need the reminder.

Thank you again vaxxter, I will take your advice xx 

[miffy]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

But, I do think it would be smart for you to do a quick "reality check" when you find yourself looking back on that relationship "with love."  

It does not sound like love was in play.

Hi Jaunty, thank you for following my situation and responding to this post. I just want to clarify that when I say I look back on the situation “with love and grace” it’s more so towards myself, not him. I recognize that it was a bad situation and like I said, I have no intentions of going back, I just have episodes that happen often of me missing what could have been, which I understand isn’t healthy either. I guess I feel nostalgic about being in a relationship, since it was the first one I’ve ever experienced. 

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

You wrote that he force you to abandon your dream of being an actress.  You are still very young.  Do you still have that dream?   If you do, pursue it.  It will take up most of your energy and head space.  If you are not wanting to be a professional actress anymore, maybe you would still enjoy acting in a community theatre production or independent film.  Those pursuits also will take up a LOT of your time, energy and head space - requiring you to develop a character, learn lines, and be present for a bunch of rehearsals.

Also, do you have a job?

Unfortunately, I’ve kind of lost my love for acting. I really don’t want to be in the spotlight anymore and I don’t know if I see myself ever getting back to a place where I’d like to put myself on display like that again. But I still do technically work in the industry. I’ve been doing many gigs on set as a background performer, so it’s been a good way to get myself out of the house and make money to support me. 

I think where I’m having trouble is the balance of it all. I want to allow myself to have time to grieve and heal and give myself grace to process what’s happened, but I also want to quickly move forward with my life and be proactive. I’m getting really frustrated with the “healing” period, because I just want to be done with it. At this point, it’s been 2 months since I’ve last seen/talked to him, and 4 months since the initial break up. For a relationship that lasted about a year and a half, I should be over it by now, shouldn’t I?

[Jaunty]

I don't know whether it should be over or not at this point.   

This is just me, but I am not that much of a fan of "taking time to heal" and being extremely immersed in "processing"  with therapy etc. after a painful breakup.  

I DO think that the therapy is useful and important, and as far as time goes, it takes what it takes to heal from hurt.   So I'm not saying you should or can rush it, but it doesn't need to be your full time project either.  That guy and your very sad and self destructive relationship already dominated you and your life enough.

When a person experiences a heartbreak or loss, it can creep up and blindside you at random times and it can go on for quite a while.

But I believe that the most crucial thing is to take physical action.  I mean like putting one foot in front of the other and filling the spaces where your memories and "what could have been" are still ruling.   

You are doing "fun activities" which is great, keep going,  but you might need to take on some things that will be much more demanding of you on a mental or emotional level.  Like some kind of training, classes, challenging work project, volunteering with other people who need help.   

You might look into volunteering at a place that offers services to abused women and children.  That might be able to dislodge your romantic notions that you seem to be sort of cherishing about that guy you were dating.   

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, miffy said:

Unfortunately, I’ve kind of lost my love for acting. I really don’t want to be in the spotlight anymore and I don’t know if I see myself ever getting back to a place where I’d like to put myself on display like that again.

It's interesting you view acting as 'being in the spotlight and putting yourself on display'.  I have a great love of acting, I have acted in plays etc in the past and will be pursuing again next year.

And I have never viewed it that way. Never ever!   I don't think anyone serious about acting does. 

I hope it wasn't your toxic EX who put those thoughts in your head that it's "putting yourself on display," you know it's not about that at all. 

It's a creative outlet and in your case, it may actually benefit you by allowing you to process your emotions through the various characters you portray.

I've gone back to taking classes after a serious breakup and it helped me tremendously!   

Anyway, I'm sorry you're hurting, breakups suck.  And wanted to encourage you to reconsider your pursuit because you really did seem to love it.

All the best in 2024. 😀

 

 

 

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, miffy said:

Any other advice other than ‘time will heal’? I just want to be better and do better…

I understand, and I think anyone having gone through a major breakup can understand, too.

It's not just about time, it's also about milestones. Going through first holidays, birthdays, events, special times or places or plans without the ex can be triggering, which is the bad news. The good news is, it's also natural and not about some deficiency in you.

I'd suggest viewing this as a time of 'reclaiming' you milestones. It can be difficult but also invigorating at the same time. Both can be true. Also remind yourself that while you're sick of the grieving, you're obviously not bored enough with it yet.

Maybe consider giving yourself some kind of private ceremony or ritual where you make up a list of the stuff you want to let go, then burn it or flush it or something. While this may (or may not) be a 'cure,' lots of people find it to be a helpful prompt for closure. Whether it serves as a finality that closes a door, or whether it serves as a first step of the strength you need 'toward' your best future, you'll figure out.

Head high, and wishing for you that 2024 will become your best year ever.

[Chloe2218]

On 12/31/2023 at 2:24 AM, miffy said:

Hello, I hope everyone’s doing well. 

It’s been months since I’ve last been on here; I thought I was doing really well and handling myself pretty good but lately I’ve been feeling quite sad again and missing my ex…

I know it’s all nostalgia for what we had and could have been, and I have no intention of going back. I don’t have him on any social media, his contact is blocked, and I haven’t spoken to him in months. I’ve been seeing my therapist regularly to process my emotions and work through them, and I’ve been spending a lot of time with my best friend and my family, travelling around and doing fun activities to keep my mind busy. I definitely feel much freer and happier than I’ve been in the past year and I really believe I’m making a little progress, but I’m really getting fed up with the healing process and how often my mind tends to stray from my goals and motivation for the future back to him.

Everyone, my family, my friends, my therapist, says that it takes time to heal and I’ll continue to feel like this for awhile, but I’m so tired of feeling sad and missing him. I’m sick of thinking of him every time there’s a break in my thoughts. I’m sick of seeing him in my dreams. I’m sick of him being the first thing to come up in my mind whenever I see a happy couple. It’s so annoying to me and I wish I could just forget him and the relationship completely.

Don’t get me wrong, I still look back on it with a lot of love and grace, since I learned so much and I feel I’ve grown a little bit and have a lot more growing to do, but with the new year coming up, I just want to move on with my life. Any other advice other than ‘time will heal’? I just want to be better and do better… Thank you for reading all the way through. I hope you’re doing well.

Your post has me crying hysterical. You're so strong!! I'm only three weeks in and I don't look forward to this. I know I have a long road ahead of me and that uncertainty is suffocating. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts and watching a lot of YouTube videos and getting all different types of perspectives and then I somehow stumbled upon a neuroscientist YouTube and found his 2 1/2 hour to 3 hour podcast really distracting but also really interesting and it kind of took my mind off of my ex. I love to learn and it's just fascinating to hear how the brain works and how your body works and handles certain things. 🤷🏽‍♀️ if you're interested I could provide you with his name. And I did group therapy for the first time today and that seemed kind of nice though I was sad for a lot of the people in there it's a nice distraction to help somebody else. I also don't know where you stand religiously but maybe you could dive into your faith more. Or also in a book I read every time you think about your ex just tell yourself I will get back to that and allow yourself a time later on to think about it but increase the amount of time every time that you delay it. And by doing this, You're taking some control over the thoughts and not letting them control you. I hope this was helpful I'm very scatterbrained right now and it's 3:30 in the morning where I am and I'm a hot mess but I'm sending a virtual hug the struggle is real. 

 

[Cherylyn]

Give yourself time.  It will often take months and years for an ex (boyfriend,  ex-friend,  ex-relative, ex-in-law or whomever) to eventually fade out of your brain.  You'll always remember your ex but it will become less as time marches on. 

I agree with others.  Get busy.  When you're super busy,  you're concentrating on work,  could be school,  sports / fitness,  hobbies,  reading,  surrounding yourself with moral people and being productive.  There are many ways to be industrious, too.  Preoccupy your mind with healthy activities and before you know it,  your ex becomes merely a blur.  Then you will have many days,  weeks or months when the ex will never enter your consciousness. 

[SooSad33]

I say you are still 'in mourning' and grieving the whole thing.  In ways, maybe some 'loss'. But also where you lost yourself in this? 😞 .

Yes, it all takes time, then you do your best during this time.  You need time to work on finding yourself again. You need time to work on accepting what is now. And you need time to just heal from this experience. 

IF someone's been damaged by a rough experience, they'll need time to 'heal' and move on.  Can take a year, may take two.

So, I can still see, someday you WILL wake up and realize he was NOT the first thing you thought about for once! 🙂 .  That is 'progress'!  And it's to show you that no matter how small, you're getting there.  Will be to the point, you realize you really 'don't care' anymore 😉 .

I found journaling helpful.  All I wanted to 'say to him', I'd say it there.   I had some hate & anger coming out, I was so ticked off with him and was getting it out on paper. I'd do it for months & months, to where finally, one day, I just stopped journaling.  Realizing, he had no more room in my head anymore.. And I was moving ahead with a true breath of fresh air.  🙂 

I also zoned out with my music.  it does help as well.  I'd spend a cpl hours just listening to my tunes and cry if needed.  'Get it out'.  If you goto bed, shedding a few tears, that's okay too. 

So, be easy on yourself and keep on.  Keep up with the therapy and your healing. I found, with therapy, it helps you work through those challenging moments and overwhelming emotiions.  We're human, we feel.

Either way, in the end, although you may not think you're getting ahead, believe you are.