I need relationship advice

[MSL]

Hello everyone, 

I (29) would start first by saying I overthink a lot. I have girlfriend (25), which she is sweet, cute, nice to me in person, her parents and siblings are cool, but there is a second page of this story. We have a long distance relationship for now (not really a long distance - 2 hours drive) but it seems as if she was always in her comfort zone. I'm in position in the relationship, that I'm the one who needs to move to her city because she won't move anywhere else (at least it sounded like it after she told me) because she want her parents to be "close". I get it and i want to move out but it seems as if I'm the one who needs to step out from my comfort zone alone. I need to change my job because of that, leave my friends behind, leave my apartment which is cheap, my family is living elsewhere so that's already not a problem, but it seems as always when i for example book an apartment for us or we stay at hotel, I'm the one who does this, i put too much effort into seeing her, I'll do anything for her but it appears as if she is not. I know her parents, she introduced me and i spent even a Christmas day with them. But when it comes to my parents, she didn't saw them yet, She could it was preplanned in advance on Christmas but she was suddenly sick which i understand, but she us now okay and I wanted to be with her on new years eve and I'll be alone. I booked an guesthouse so we would be together in my location not hers, at least after all of this and she refused to go since she is not feeling "well" but i know she does, I would go to see her even if i was in little bit of pain from her period (I don't force nonsence upon anybody) but it seems as if she won't go out from her comfort zone even a little bit. It really hurt me knowing she just doesn't care for me as I do for her. We argued a bit about this, she aknowledge her mistakes but she is always punishing me for it seems. She doesn't texts me a lot as it was before i brought this up, she is not mad at me she says but i feel as if she is. Maybe I'm overthinking this which i do for sure, but are there some hidden ghosts waiting for me in this relationship? Is there a way to change this or is She not sure about me yet?

 

Thanks for your Time!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MSL said:

 I'm the one who needs to move to her city because she won't move anywhere else because she want her parents to be "close". . I need to change my job because of that, leave my friends behind, leave my apartment which is cheap,  we stay at hotel, I'm the one who does that.

How long have you been dating? How did you meet?

Why is the relationship long distance?  Do you both live with parents or have your own places? Why are you booking hotels and guesthouses to see each other? 

Do you both work? If both of you feel it's too much of a compromise to give up everything and move to the other's location it seems like you're at an impasse. 

[Batya33]

If this is the situation be prepared to marry her parents too.

[Andrina]

Well, I don't know why you didn't think of the cons of LDRs when you began dating. That one of you would have to uproot. In dating, yes, you will be seeing what's what with your partner, and you can see the effort is one-sided. It's definitely something to pay attention to. I believe two people regularly making an equal effort is essential in a happy relationship. 

And it's wonderful when families are close, but sometimes it veers to being too close in that it negatively impacts a couple's romantic life. It sounds like she could be in that category. I broke a two year relationship off with my boyfriend when I was a teen since he was clearly a Mama's boy. No way would I stand that way of life for a lifetime. 

Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Make sure you choose wisely.

[shouldhavelearned]

Start to see the red flags and how things only go one way.

 

Is this what you want to deal with all the time?

 

Her agreeing and then getting sick so often is not normal.

[MSL]

Thanks for your answers, we are together for 6 months but it's not about the time or i want her to act certain way, it just seemed that way, Do y'all think it's okay to let her be and for me to not try so hard? Like i can do that easily but for me, if people want relationship they should put a lots of work from the start and then it can be maintained, if people don't want to be in relationship with things which are a part of every relationship, they shouldn't be in one. I told her about all of this so we will see how it ends, most women these days love under certain conditions, that's not true love. I understand every aspect of distance relationship, it's not forever right? People need to cherish the relationship every day if DRL or not. Most people take things for granted meanwhile we have not promised next day. I'll update you about it. Thank You.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, MSL said:

Thanks for your answers, we are together for 6 months. I told her about all of this so we will see how it ends. People need to cherish the relationship every day if DRL or not. 

Unfortunately it doesn't seem to be working out because of the distance and incompatibilities.

You both seem to feel being in this relationship is too difficult and requires too many sacrifices.  It's only 28 weeks and already there is a lot of conflicts and unhappiness.

Perhaps reflect if cutting your losses, setting yourself free and dating local compatible women would be a better fit for you. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MSL said:

Thanks for your answers, we are together for 6 months but it's not about the time or i want her to act certain way, it just seemed that way, Do y'all think it's okay to let her be and for me to not try so hard? Like i can do that easily but for me, if people want relationship they should put a lots of work from the start and then it can be maintained, if people don't want to be in relationship with things which are a part of every relationship, they shouldn't be in one. I told her about all of this so we will see how it ends, most women these days love under certain conditions, that's not true love. I understand every aspect of distance relationship, it's not forever right? People need to cherish the relationship every day if DRL or not. Most people take things for granted meanwhile we have not promised next day. I'll update you about it. Thank You.

Well no that's not true in general.  It actually shouldn't take lots of work from the start.  If two people like and respect each other as much as you can when you're getting to know each other and like laughing together/compatible senses of humor, stuff in common and common values -it's not lots of work.  It's fun, it's interesting, often exciting to get to know a person when you see potential for a relationship.  

What I see as work for you is your negative mindset/generalizations about "women" -that's you getting in your own way.  What every aspect of long distance do you understand and how can you? It depends on individual people, individual factors, lifestyle, finances. My husband and I were long distance for a few years before marriage and he traveled a great deal when we were newlyweds and new parents.  For us personally it worked because: we were engaged in the past so we knew each other well, we were able to see each other at least every 11 days and from the very beginning I agreed I would be the one to relocate for his career.

Was it work ever? Yes! Was it lots of work -no.  I traveled a great deal to see him and he to see me - that kind of "work" was fine as we missed each other and the result was spending time together!  We worked hard and still do at parenting our son but -it's work with an awesome reward and blessing -our son!

Who are these most women who love under certain conditions??  I don't.  My friend's two daughters are married moms in their 20s and 30s with 6 kids between them -they don't.  My mother was married for 62 years to my dad until he died -she didn't.  I am 57 and a number of my women friends have been married for 25 years plus.  No "conditions" - long distance is hard enough without assuming this about most women IMO.

[smackie9]

This is why we date....to see how things go, see if you can work together, get along and expectations are met. You have discovered things are not working out that great for you....it seems lop sided, you doing the heavy lifting, having to make sacrifices to make it work...and all for what....6 months of dating with 2 hours of travel time to see each other. You are figuring it out that she isn't really in it to win it, possibly not in love with you as you are her. Well it's a two way street, if you loved her so much, you wouldn't be here complaining about her. Sorry but, this is where you realize this isn't gonna work out. 

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, MSL said:

Do y'all think it's okay to let her be and for me to not try so hard?

Yes. The only way to learn whether someone cares enough to step up and fill a gap is to allow a gap.

When two people in relationship care equally, there is a balance of power. However, when one person cares more than the other, then the one who cares the least owns the power.

Apparently, she's been caring less, and you can't argue a person into caring more. Give her the opportunity to stop taking you for granted, and see what she does with it on her own--without any influence from you.

[Tinydance]

Well I'm not defending her but I think unfortunately in a long distance relationship one person has to move to the other person. Of course even with that there needs to be compromise and not everything only for the benefit of one person. I imagine normally when one person  has to move, the couple looks at their overall situation and chooses who will move based on whether it's easier for them. This can completely depend on the individual situation. 

For example, if one person owns a flat or house and one doesn't, they might move into their partner's property. If one person works from home and the other one has to work from their work location, the working from home partner will move. And so on. 

Personally I don't really consider two hours apart as super LDR.  But as you said, both people need to make time and effort to make it work. For example, you can stay at each other's place each weekend. One weekend she comes to you and the next weekend you go to her. I think it can work but only if you both put a lot of time aside for each other. Is she doing that for you? How often do you see each other? 

How far away do your family live from you? To be honest if you don't have a lot of family or friends around you but she's super close to her family then it actually would make sense that you would move and not her. I agree that both people need to put in equal effort but unfortunately sometimes it's not possible for it to be completely even. It depends on the individual situation. E.g. Let's say you're working from home and can work from anywhere but she's got a long time office job. Her moving to you would require her to quit her job, whereas in your case you get to keep your job. I don't think it's necessarily about that the other person is selfish but one person does have to move. So the couple needs to decide who is sacrificing the least and will be more comfortable if they move.

But to maintain the LDR yes both people need to make equal effort. E.g. She needs to text you regularly, call/video call and make time in person. Not that only you initiate all the texts and calls and only travel to her. If she doesn't initiate equally then you are seeing her investment in this relationship. And that investment is probably not that high.

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Divorced_w_3 said:

Is that what we really want though, manipulative tactics and drama?

There's nothing manipulative or dramatic about quitting a habit of overcompensation for another's real or imagined lack of effort. Just the opposite. Allowing the chips to fall and observing where they land will reveal exactly where they land.