Should I even go to this date ? Am I too picky in my approach to dating ?

[catfeeder]

You’re not powerless. Push back and tell him the truth, “I view it as disloyal to your GF, and I’m not going to play.” Repeat that until he goes away.

If he goes aggressively manipulative, my gloves would come off, and I’d tell him to stop whining.

Don’t do the powerless number on yourself. Get annoyed, and show it.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You’re not powerless. Push back and tell him the truth, “I view it as disloyal to your GF, and I’m not going to play.” Repeat that until he goes away.

If he goes aggressively manipulative, my gloves would come off, and I’d tell him to stop whining.

Don’t do the powerless number on yourself. Get annoyed, and show it.

Yup.  And a good social worker does their job by not getting pulled in emotionally to the extent that they would allow themselves to ignore flags.  Empathy means being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes, not sacrificing common sense and putting yourself in a bad situation. That's precisely how social workers and similar professions are able to get a good read on people and a situation - by being confident and keeping an objective distance while remaining supportive.

[catfeeder]

51 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yup.  And a good social worker does their job by not getting pulled in emotionally to the extent that they would allow themselves to ignore flags.  Empathy means being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes, not sacrificing common sense and putting yourself in a bad situation. That's precisely how social workers and similar professions are able to get a good read on people and a situation - by being confident and keeping an objective distance while remaining supportive.

Yep, and nobody is powerless to bust someone on their BS. If he tries to turn it back on you, don’t scramble for an answer he’d find acceptable—you owe him nothing. Just smile and tell him you’re not going to play, and you don’t care how he wants to characterize that.

If this other person would cater to this turd badmouthing you, that’s an important thing to learn early. Don’t let yourself be bullied because you want to stay in someone’s group. That’s messy kid stuff, and it’s harmful to you. Anybody can form a meetup group. Stick with people who share your values, and you won’t position yourself badly.

[Shycarrot]

Thank you so much for your advice !!! 

You're right, I am actually not powerless, and even if I am at a particular moment, that does not mean that I can't change it. 

The event was great and I had very few opportunities to talk to the guy, so everything is fine in that regard. 

However, the host (who's friend with the unfaithful guy) walked me to my car and asked me on a date after the event.

Unfortunately, I don't feel attracted to him. 

So I said that I wasn't looking to date at the moment, but that I would get back to him with an answer (I realize I should not have said the last part). 

When I got home, he sent me a sweet text in which he admitted he liked me and was hoping he didn't made me uncomfortable. 

I am going to say that while I appreciate him, I prefer group activities. I hope it won't come back to bite me later.

I don't have the heart to tell him I don't feel attracted to him.

But now I am thinking that maybe it's not a good reply, because he'll still think he has a chance and approach me on group events ? 

I am overthinking again 😕 

What's funny is that after all these adventures, I might start to look for a new meet up group lol 

 

 

 

 

[Shycarrot]

I added on the text that I wasn't looking to date on meetup. 

I don't know if it's a good idea 😅

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

I added on the text that I wasn't looking to date on meetup. 

I don't know if it's a good idea 😅

Whatever you said was fine. If you need to repeat yourself about not dating through meetups just do that so you can continue to enjoy yourself. But you are right, finding additional groups so that you don’t become regular with any given one buys you the breathing room from each group, and it also makes you less anxious to please any given leader in a group.

Head high, enjoy yourself, and trust that you will learn how to navigate around any guy who doesn’t attract you. But be careful. Team up with other women to look out for one another to make sure you each get home safely. And watch your drinks!

[Shycarrot]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Whatever you said was fine. If you need to repeat yourself about not dating through meetups just do that so you can continue to enjoy yourself. But you are right, finding additional groups so that you don’t become regular with any given one buys you the breathing room from each group, and it also makes you less anxious to please any given leader in a group.

Head high, enjoy yourself, and trust that you will learn how to navigate around any guy who doesn’t attract you. But be careful. Team up with other women to look out for one another to make sure you each get home safely. And watch your drinks!

Thank you so much ❤️

Don't worry, I tend to be really cautious when I go out but I appreciate your concern 🙂 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Shycarrot said:

Thank you so much ❤️

Don't worry, I tend to be really cautious when I go out but I appreciate your concern 🙂 

Drinks-including water/non alcoholic, etc and good for you that you are cautious! I don't think there's ever a need to tell someone in that context you don't feel attracted. No tells the person what he needs to know or "I'd love to hang out as a group with our friends"

[Shycarrot]

Just a little update : 

After a short break from datings apps, I have decided to resume my activity and I should meet one or two dates this week 🙂

I am still going to meetup events and it brings me a lot of joy ! 

And I have made a conscious effort to avoid the unfaithful guy. As a result, I have not heard from him in 2 weeks. 

Despite this, I feel like my brain is "stuck" :

I feel silly to admit this but a lot of my thoughts still revolve about him sometimes I even feel sad, frustrated and disappointed that he was not the person I wanted him to be. 

I remind myself about how happy and full of hope I was when I met him, how I wish things were different (I mean, I would have liked it if he was single, available and more trustworthy). 

Those thoughts are not too intrusive and I generally manage to reframe them and to get back to reality : I tell myself that it's still awesome that I got to meet someone that sparked my interest, that I am really grateful that I quickly found out how unreliable he was, and that I can be hopeful for the future. 

But still, it's annoying ! 

Is it normal to feel "stuck" like this ? I know he's not worth my time but I really wish my brain would catch up ...

Can I do something to speed the process ? Thank you so much ! 

 

(In my defense, I don't feel this kind of attraction very often and I admit I got a bit carried away when I first saw him, so it makes sense that it takes me some time to get over this.)

I should really learn to remain cold-headed if I ever feel a strong attraction to someone again  😅

 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Shycarrot said:

Just a little update : 

After a short break from datings apps, I have decided to resume my activity and I should meet one or two dates this week 🙂I am still going to meetup events and it brings me a lot of joy ! And I have made a conscious effort to avoid the unfaithful guy. As a result, I have not heard from him in 2 weeks. 

It's great you're on dating apps setting up dates. That will help get your mind off of mr hot player. It fills the void when you meet available decent guys. Try not to focus this much on just looks. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

should really learn to remain cold-headed if I ever feel a strong attraction to someone again  😅

Why - that's so extreme! Totally fine to feel what you feel -strong attraction is fun and exciting and thrilling! But your actions and reactions should be realistic.  You don't know this person and you won't really know relevant stuff until you get to know him over a longer period of time -like, months.  So being so hopeful and choosing to get that intensely carried away-is not based on reality -it's based on an initially strong attraction and then of course you see the person through that perspective.  Maybe he is a good person who is also a good fit for you -time will tell.  But sure -have fun with those yummy feelings!  No need to be "cold".  Realistic shouldn't be cold.  

There's nothing to get over - you and he flirted and spoke some and you found out early on he is not a person of character and integrity.  It's safer to dwell on how hot he is and pine away, "stuck" than to put in the effort to interact socially with people - it's normal. You can shift from reacting to this sort of strong attraction by choosing to pine away to dusting yourself up and returning to the front lines.   

[catfeeder]

Think of it as similar to the millions of people who fall in love with celebrities they don't even know. Certain people have the charisma to trip your fantasy wire, and this is true of most of us who have formed a crush on a teacher, a boss or someone else who is confident in their charm.

Don't make your hill too steep by shooting for coldness. There's nothing fun in that to aspire to.

 

[Shycarrot]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You don't know this person and you won't really know relevant stuff until you get to know him over a longer period of time -like, months.  Maybe he is a good person who is also a good fit for you -time will tell

Are you referring to the hypothetical crushes I could get in the future ? Or are you talking about the current guy ? 

Because like you said, it's probably not a good idea since he does not seem to have a strong moral compass.

14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It's safer to dwell on how hot he is and pine away, "stuck" than to put in the effort to interact socially with people - it's normal. You can shift from reacting to this sort of strong attraction by choosing to pine away to dusting yourself up and returning to the front lines.   

Thank you

By "returning to the front lines", you mean that I should continue to put myself out there and to date, right ?

Sorry, English is not my first language so I sometimes struggle to understand in a figurative sense

😅

10 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Think of it as similar to the millions of people who fall in love with celebrities they don't even know

Thank you, it really helps to gain perspective 🙂  

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Shycarrot said:

Are you referring to the hypothetical crushes I could get in the future ? Or are you talking about the current guy ? 

Because like you said, it's probably not a good idea since he does not seem to have a strong moral compass.

Thank you

By "returning to the front lines", you mean that I should continue to put myself out there and to date, right ?

Sorry, English is not my first language so I sometimes struggle to understand in a figurative sense

😅

Thank you, it really helps to gain perspective 🙂  

Yes- front lines means be proactive about meeting people and potentially dating.  And just check yourself if you find yourself developing another crush on an unavailable person.