Am I wrong for going out with a woman who has kids and is about to divorce?

[kuisonoe]

Basically

for the last 3 and half months, I have been seeing one woman at least once a week, she has 2kid with a guy who's 17 years older than her. We're both 30, I am single. The thing is, I have dated not a low number a women, most of the dating was stress to me, can't describe, but it was always lacking something, incompatible views on different things (religion, kids, politics...), different lifestyles (me who likes to socialize vs them who are more reserved...), me who eats healthy and trains vs someone who is not sporty at all, communication issues always a big thing whether it be setting up even simple dates where I always had to suggest and push until the end to things like basic reassurance of the relationship and keeping that spike in the relationship alive with some flirting and similar.

All these things are fine with this woman, she buys small cute gifts for me, I do the same. She was the first girl ever to not let me buy the drinks when we went out on a second date out. I was shocked...She invites sometime for lunch, sometimes it's me, she always suggests splitting if not paying herself...Treats the staff good and never badmouths the father of the kids... It gets better, she has a car, I don't. They are well off, she married a millionare basically, but she still has her own job where she earns. I am ambitious and have my *** together, but I am nowhere near millionare lifestyl. I even joked at the beginning that I am poor before knowing her situation, she never gave a wrong look because of that. She's in the process of filing in the divorce, their relationship is toxic af and over especially after she caught him cheating year and so ago, they are talking to lawyers as well... she seems to have a postnuptial agreement according to which she gets nothing and also other bearocratic issues. They also still live together.
 

Provided that everything she told me is true, the thing between us is good. However, while it seems nice, there's obvious raised questions here? Also which red flags should I watch out for before this get the question if this is serious dating? What am I missing here? Under normal circumstences, I would never even go to a date with a person who has kids, yet I found myself going out with one for 3months now lol...
 

And let's say everything is as said, she's the ideal one...Going out of one relationshipt is never easy, let alone out of a marriage. How do I assess whether a) she’s invested in me as a long-term partner or b) whether Iam her transitional man as she segues into being a single person. Anything else you want to add, feel free...

[Capricorn3]

Personally, I wouldn't go near this one, right now.  First of all, she is, technically still married.  I think anyone who is getting a divorce should at least take "time off" from dating, get over the pain and hurt of their marriage ending, grieve, etc for at least a full year to get their head together, before launching into something new.  Especially when she has kids.

I mean, she's not even divorced yet and already dating? Lordy, if this isn't rebounding then I don't know what is. I actually feel sorry for the kids.

I would say wait until everything is official and settled (the divorce) before going near this one.

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, kuisonoe said:

They also still live together.

Does her husband know they're getting a divorce?

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, kuisonoe said:

 the last 3 and half months, I have been seeing one woman at least once a week, she has 2kid with a guy who's 17 years older than her. . They also still live together.

whether Iam her transitional man as she segues into being a single person. 

How did you meet?  Were you aware she was married? Right now it's just an affair, no matter what she tells you. 

You seem to be enjoying the perks of her husband's wealth as well as commitment-free  sex. 

They still live together as a family,  not even separated physically and "in the process of filing for divorce",  is a popular line for most cheaters . As long as you don't hope for too much or get hurt perhaps you can enjoy it while it lasts. 

[Sally .C.]

Although she is still married, I didn't read anything overly concerning in your post...until you mentioned that she still lives with him. 

And so my answer is yes...it would be wrong to be seeing a woman who is still going home at night to another man, regardless of the state of that relationship.

One other thought is that your involvement with her could be hindering a slim chance the family has of staying together. It sounds like it's done between them, but it may just sound that way. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, kuisonoe said:

Also which red flags should I watch out for

Er...the fact that she is married and lives with her husband. 

Dude. What are you thinking? 

[tufntender]

Well, I dated while I was separated. We were both done and just waited for the time it took to make it final, we weren't even married for most of the year before it, not getting along, arguing constantly, had been growing apart, etc. I don't know about this woman, maybe she is on the rebound, maybe not. Since she usually pays for her meal and also pays for your meal at times it seems she is a bit distanced and perhaps wants to keep things casual. Also, you don't own a car and she does. It just seems like your lifestyles are different from each other other than the interests you share. Is she going to gain anything financially by getting a divorce, how old are the children? What are her plans for the near future? Have you been intimate? How close are you emotionally?

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, kuisonoe said:

Also which red flags should I watch out for before this get the question if this is serious dating?

This

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Er...the fact that she is married and lives with her husband. 

 

What more red flags do you want? You are basically a mistress there. You know, the ones who they promise they will divorce and be with them lol

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, kuisonoe said:

... she seems to have a postnuptial agreement according to which she gets nothing and They also still live together.

She needs to stay married then so she can afford to entertain her boy toys. 

[kuisonoe]

11 hours ago, Sally .C. said:

Although she is still married, I didn't read anything overly concerning in your post...until you mentioned that she still lives with him. 

And so my answer is yes...it would be wrong to be seeing a woman who is still going home at night to another man, regardless of the state of that relationship.

One other thought is that your involvement with her could be hindering a slim chance the family has of staying together. It sounds like it's done between them, but it may just sound that way. 

Hey, thanks for the answer
They live, because she has to, I know she has a separate room though. Apparently he lost interest in her after the second kid completely, and has been abusing her even psychologicaly knowing that she has to stay with him because of the papers that she's about to finally get from the state. Between them it's done for sure base on everything I heard

[kuisonoe]

8 hours ago, tufntender said:

Well, I dated while I was separated. We were both done and just waited for the time it took to make it final, we weren't even married for most of the year before it, not getting along, arguing constantly, had been growing apart, etc. I don't know about this woman, maybe she is on the rebound, maybe not. Since she usually pays for her meal and also pays for your meal at times it seems she is a bit distanced and perhaps wants to keep things casual. Also, you don't own a car and she does. It just seems like your lifestyles are different from each other other than the interests you share. Is she going to gain anything financially by getting a divorce, how old are the children? What are her plans for the near future? Have you been intimate? How close are you emotionally?

Hi, thank you for the input
the lifestyles are different, she's definite a bit distanced and I got that. I am not too invested as well, although we have been intimate yes
Financially she's not getting anything due to that paper she signed, and even if, it's bread crumbs. That's why she's working like crazy and trying to get as much money as possible the children are 4 and 9

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, kuisonoe said:

I know she has a separate room though.

How do you "know" this? Because she told you?

Does her husband know she has a boyfriend on the side? Is he even aware they are allegedly divorcing?

[kuisonoe]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How do you "know" this? Because she told you?

Does her husband know she has a boyfriend on the side? Is he even aware they are allegedly divorcing?

Because I saw, in a video call, and also been there.

I might have mislead, it's not like we are officaly dating, no gf and bf stuff, but it's going that direction...And I want to avoid bs.
I have no clue if he knows of anything. He's aware they are going to split, so he's bribing the kids haha

[boltnrun]

You've been to the marital home when he was there, or when he wasn't?

[kuisonoe]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You've been to the marital home when he was there, or when he wasn't?

Wasn't, obviously. It was friends gathering so I was one invited as well

[boltnrun]

She is used to a certain lifestyle. Don't be surprised if she's just having fun with you while she searches for her next source of a lavish lifestyle.

And bringing her boyfriend to the home her husband pays for is supremely disrespectful. 

Also, "bribing" the children is bad but cheating on their father is a-OK? 

This woman has questionable ethics, to say the least.

Again, don't be surprised if you are discarded after the fun is over. 

[MissCanuck]

You are being played like a fiddle, OP. 

[smackie9]

You don't access nothing, you communicate/ask her questions. 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, kuisonoe said:

, she buys small cute gifts for me, I do the same. ...She invites sometime for lunch, sometimes it's me,  she has a car, I don't. 

 It doesn't seem like you think it's "wrong" for going out with a woman who has kids and is married, it's seems like you think it's a good deal because she pays for stuff, has a car, her husband supports her and you seem to be enjoying the ride. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Get away