Still have guilt

[sleepingvein]

4 months ago my boyfriend and I had the biggest fight we've ever had. I didn't wrong him per say, I would never intentionally do that, but something happened which changed the perception he had of me. I accidently triggered him in a big way and he told me i'm not who he thought I was. He said I was sick and disgusting among other things but that he was so hurt because he loves me. I was so upset and I realised he was right about me having been wrong and I apologised from the bottom of my heart. Thankfully, we ended up making up and I think now he knows that I meant no harm and I'm not a bad person, I was just wrong about this. I also tried not to identify with the words he said to me when he was upset. Things have been going well since and I think we both kind of forgot about it for a while. But yesterday he saw something that reminded him of it and mentioned it to the other person we were with (In front of me). He wasn't upset or aggressive or anything, just making casual conversation which the other person brushed off. It suddenly reminded me of the fight and the guilt came flooding back. Things are still normal and nice between us, but I have an urge to bring it up and tell him how sorry I am, in case he doesn't think I am or doesn't think I've changed, which I definitely have. In a way I'm glad the fight happened as I was made aware of problems I needed to address and managed to fix them. I want to make sure he knows this and to be honest if I know for sure I have his forgiveness it would give me a lot of closure. But is bringing it up again a good idea? I don't want to trigger him again or remind him. Maybe I should just drop it? What do you guys think?

[Coily]

Without more context it’s really difficult for us to give you relevant advice. Kind of like telling the mechanic your car makes a noise, and not alluding to the nature or general location of the noise.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, sleepingvein said:

something happened which changed the perception he had of me.. I accidently triggered him in a big way and he told me i'm not who he thought I was. He said I was sick and disgusting among other things. I also tried not to identify with the words he said to me when he was upset. I'm glad the fight happened as I was made aware of problems I needed to address and managed to fix them. 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? What happened that was so horrible for him to accept? Please stop apologizing. You're responsible for your actions but not his feelings. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, sleepingvein said:

something happened which changed the perception he had of me

What happened? 

[Capricorn3]

7 hours ago, Coily said:

Without more context it’s really difficult for us to give you relevant advice. Kind of like telling the mechanic your car makes a noise, and not alluding to the nature or general location of the noise.

I agree.  It's hard to give constructive advice when the most important part of the story is missing.  What exactly was this about: ...-  "I accidently triggered him in a big way and he told me i'm not who he thought I was. He said I was sick and disgusting among other things" ??

[smackie9]

I agree with the others we can't really give you any advice without all the facts of what happened, what lead up to it, etc.

IMO regardless of the situation, name calling, and being aggressive is in no way acceptable. I see communication is a huge issue. This was never resolved properly if you are still being triggered...and if you are so afraid to communicate that to him, then you will always have unresolved issues. Sweeping it under the rug, banished to forever feeling guilty...that's no way to live.

[Cherylyn]

Since it's obviously still bothering him,  I'd broach the subject,  tell him you've learned from your mistake(s) and give him a humble,  sincere apology.  Then after that,  continue to be on your best behavior. 

Successful relationships have great communication because it's extremely important as opposed to letting old wounds continue to fester.  Hopefully both sides can be mature and move on without rehashing the past. 

[catfeeder]

We have no way of knowing anything more than what you’ve told us, which isn’t much. My concern would be more about a BF belittling you because he didn’t like something. There’s no excuse for that. It’s an abusive way to handle conflict, and I doubt that I’d be too worried about apologizing to him after that. For anything.