Should I go for it or it's too late?

[YouAreNotAlone]

I've been thinking some time should I write anything here about this but the pressure I feel is overwhelming and I need somewhere to type this out...

I've been crushing on her for quite some time and didn't have any courage to say something. As time passed by, we became much closer. We've known eachother for a year and at the beginning she was acting with me friendly but we were just University acquaintances/colleagues and that's how it went for good 6 months or more.

But, we started bonding on some random stuff, talking a lot more than usual, texting eachother about random stuff. She's been asking me to help her with anything, stuff she could easily do. She was starting to show all sorts of signs of interest. Prolonged eye contact when talking, laughing to stuff I say, smiling warmly when she sees me or when we talk, standing really close to me, touching me when talking etc. I've shown her with my actions that I like her very much, giving her compliments and flirting/teasing, helping her even when she doesn't ask.

Just recently she began even sending me funny memes, videos (she never did this but I was doing it for some time). And all these things that happened recently started to pump me up to ask her out. But today happened something that really shook me. I've overheard her talking with her friends about a guy that hit on her this weekend. When her friends asked her "When are we going to meet him?", she said "I have to get to know him first". When she saw that I might hear her, she told her friend "I can't talk about it right now, understand?" and subtly showing with eyes in my direction. And I believe it was obvious that she didn't want to talk about it in front of me which is interesting cause she has behaved with me like we are close friends and why wouldn't she talk with me about that then if she doesn't feel anything romantically about me.

After that, she continued behaving with me as before, being interested in talking with me, initiating conversations, looking for my attention, smiling, laughing etc.

So, I know I have to ask her out, even if I get rejected. I feel like I have a chance or had after today and I need at least a closure...

What do you think? Is there still a chance she might accept or I'm so deep in a friendzone. Please, your honest opinions are much appreciated at this moment. If you have any question to add to context, I'll be happy to answer. Thanks in advance!

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, YouAreNotAlone said:

 We've known eachother for a year and at the beginning she was acting with me friendly but we were just University acquaintances/colleagues  I know I have to ask her out, 

Yes ask her to go get lunch or coffee or something. This way you can assess the situation without all the anxiety and pressure you're putting on yourself now trying to read "signs".  

[YouAreNotAlone]

The anxiety I feel is a assume coming from my fear of losing this dynamic we have. But, I know it will hurt like hell if I don't try and she gets a boyfriend.

I was thinking of asking her to go to movies with me as we are both into movies. I know some will say movies is a bad idea for a date as we can't talk, but we spend every day talking between classes about everything so...

[Kwothe28]

I believe that, no matter if you are in friendzone, that you should try. Because:

a) you will always wonder "What if"

b) even if she says "No", its better for you because you can then freely move on from the whole situation knowing the answer

I wouldnt worry about friends dynamic when you want to be more then friends. You really cant be friends either way. If she agrees you will maybe be more, and if she says "No" would you really stay close and watch her date other men?

[Sam1986]

Ask her out, you got some decent indications that she might be into you, so there's not really any reason to prolong this any further.
Maybe she says no, maybe she says yes, but you won't find out until you take your shot.

Getting rejected is a fear we all live with, but at least you won't have anything undone if you took your shot and missed. Speaking from experience, it's much better to take your shot and getting rejected, than not taking it at all. Not taking it tends to eat away at you over time as you wonder what might have been (or worse, she dates him and you still keep questioning whether she likes you or not), whereas a straight "no" will allow you to move on and find someone else as that door is closed anyway.

[Sam1986]

1 hour ago, YouAreNotAlone said:

The anxiety I feel is a assume coming from my fear of losing this dynamic we have. But, I know it will hurt like hell if I don't try and she gets a boyfriend.

I was thinking of asking her to go to movies with me as we are both into movies. I know some will say movies is a bad idea for a date as we can't talk, but we spend every day talking between classes about everything so...

Tell her straight up that you are into her and that you would like to take her on a date, don't make it ambiguous by just asking if she wants to go to a movie or not. Heck, you can even do it over text if you are too shy to ask her in person. But not making it clear that you want to date her can lead to all sorts of awkward situations as you both wonder if you are dating or not. Been there, done that, and it was awkward for almost a year until I asked this girl a few years ago straight up with no uncertainties. I got a no, but it was very easy to digest because that door was now closed and there was no reason to wonder anymore whether she was into me or not.

Who cares if you are in the "friendzone" or not, it's about you clarifying an unclear situation, and something that shows bravery either way.

[Batya33]

I wouldn’t embellish the asking out with why. Simply ask her out on a date you plan in advance for a public place. Lunch. Or a walk in the park. Going to a local museum or art gallery to see an exhibit.  She’ll understand the intent eventually. 

[Sam1986]

35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

She’ll understand the intent eventually. 

As someone who has walked down that path before, I'd be careful with not making it clear that it's a date. I was into a girl some two years ago that I thought also knew that it was a date, but apparently not. She probably understood, but since I hadn't been upfront with it she never followed up, then later told me that she  and acted surprised when I eventually did clarify some months later and told me she had gotten a boyfriend. It just created more awkwardness than necessary. While I don't regret clarifying the situation, I do regret not doing it sooner.

[Batya33]

51 minutes ago, Sam1986 said:

As someone who has walked down that path before, I'd be careful with not making it clear that it's a date. I was into a girl some two years ago that I thought also knew that it was a date, but apparently not. She probably understood, but since I hadn't been upfront with it she never followed up, then later told me that she  and acted surprised when I eventually did clarify some months later and told me she had gotten a boyfriend. It just created more awkwardness than necessary. While I don't regret clarifying the situation, I do regret not doing it sooner.

I would clarify with "it's a date!" not by expressing feelings including "I'm into you" -as a woman I would take that potentially as "I want to have sex with you"

[rainbowsandroses]

On 12/11/2023 at 6:24 AM, YouAreNotAlone said:

The anxiety I feel is a assume coming from my fear of losing this dynamic we have. But, I know it will hurt like hell if I don't try and she gets a boyfriend.

I was thinking of asking her to go to movies with me as we are both into movies. I know some will say movies is a bad idea for a date as we can't talk, but we spend every day talking between classes about everything so...

Okay granted I'm a little weird lol but I love the movies for a first date precisely because you can't talk!  

You're sitting next to each other in a tight space, your adrenaline is pumping, the tension is mounting and your imaginations are in high gear.  This of course is assuming there is a mutual attraction to begin with. 

You can talk about the movie after it's over and gauge each other's thoughts about it.

It's a great way to create tension and escalate attraction imo and experience, enjoy!

[rainbowsandroses]

On 12/11/2023 at 7:28 AM, Sam1986 said:

By not making it clear that you want to date her can lead to all sorts of awkward situations as you both wonder if you are dating or not. 

Again I know I'm weird but it's all that "wondering" that actually creates tension and builds attraction!  The uncertainty of it all during those precious early stages. 

The OP is living that right now and look at him, all pumped up and completely smitten with her!  She may be as well, with him!  

OP, my advice is ask her for a drink, maybe share some apps.  Get a "feel" for each other one-on-one in person. 

Heck let her wonder if it's a date!  If she is attracted to you, trust me you won't be thrown into the friendzone because you haven't directly stated it's a "date."

Don't push it and allow things to happen naturally and organically.

No "spilling your feels" or anything like that.  It's too soon. Scale back the compliments as well, it's too over the top. 

Good luck and keep us posted!  

[Wiseman2]

On 12/11/2023 at 9:00 AM, YouAreNotAlone said:

. But today happened something that really shook me. I've overheard her talking with her friends about a guy that hit on her this weekend. 

Unfortunately it seems like you're panicking for a few reasons. You overheard a conversation, you're afraid to adversely affect the friendship, you're afraid you're in the friendzone and you're terrified that other guys are asking her out when you're not.

Please don't rely on pickup artist "signs" like hair twirling or believe other PUA tactics about building attraction, etc.  Ask her out one-on-one, that is the important thing. Do something date like. 

[Capricorn3]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 but it's all that "wondering" that actually creates tension and builds attraction!  The uncertainty of it all during those precious early stages.

......OR........ all that wondering and uncertainty can create a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety....

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Capricorn3 said:

......OR........ all that wondering and uncertainty can create a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety....

Yes I know but when it comes to attraction (at least for me and other women I know AND men) it's not necessarily a negative.  Anxiety can be a positive when you learn how to manage it properly.

Like with the new guy I'm dating.  Lord I was a nervous wreck before our first couple of dates!   Anxious. Uncertain. Wondering. I felt like flaking I was so anxious!

Did I become turned off?   No, to the contrary all that wondering increased my attraction!  Versus the guy blowing up my phone, "spilling his feels," which turns me off. 

Anyway, instead of playing off that anxiety, I turned it into a positive by telling myself there was definitely something happening and it was exciting!

It's all over the forums too and the OP is a perfect example.  And other threads as well, one very recently, where a female poster became literally obsessed with a man she was dating who left her in a constant state of "wondering."

I'm not talking about playing games or PUA strategies.  That's an entirely different thing which also turn me OFF.

This is in the early stages before feelings have been established between both and they begin regularly dating. 

IDK, I'm no expert and people can argue against it, but after experiencing it myself and observing others, there is definitely something to it IMO.

 

 

 

[Sam1986]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Again I know I'm weird but it's all that "wondering" that actually creates tension and builds attraction!  The uncertainty of it all during those precious early stages. 

The OP is living that right now and look at him, all pumped up and completely smitten with her!  She may be as well, with him!  

OP, my advice is ask her for a drink, maybe share some apps.  Get a "feel" for each other one-on-one in person. 

Heck let her wonder if it's a date!  If she is attracted to you, trust me you won't be thrown into the friendzone because you haven't directly stated it's a "date."

Don't push it and allow things to happen naturally and organically.

No "spilling your feels" or anything like that.  It's too soon. Scale back the compliments as well, it's too over the top. 

Good luck and keep us posted!  

That's a lot of ifs, and nothing I'd recommend personally.
For all we know, we might even have two inexperienced people here where either party won't initiate.
Heck, you could even turn the argument on it's head and say that "if she is attracted to him, she won't mind at all that he is being forward by asking for a date". Sure you can build attraction the way you describe, but because nothing has come of it so far, I'd personally specifically ask for a date to cut out the ambiguity.

The OP is already unsure whether or not she is into him, and so far his connection to this girl hasn't amounted to anything. If anything, the OP has pretty much done all these steps already (apart from drinks it seems), and it's gotten him nowhere so far. Even to the point where she is clearly meeting other guys, and it's causing him some level of distress, to the point that he is asking here. At some point you just have to come forward and cut out the subtle hints, because the indirect approach doesn't seem to be working in the case the OP describes here.

Asking for a date is nothing to be ashamed of. Heck, people have been forthright with their intentions since the dawn of time without that ever stopping attraction from building. If she's into him, my bet is that she will gladly accept, even if it feels wrong to you personally to state intentions that way.

 

[kim42]

I think you should ask her out but I think coffee or lunch would be better than going to the movies.

I never understood going to the movies for a date because you can't really talk there.

[rainbowsandroses]

6 hours ago, Sam1986 said:

Asking for a date is nothing to be ashamed of....

Of course asking for a date is nothing to be "ashamed" of, I never said it was. That wasn't what my post was about at all.

I invite you to read my own thread about when I met the man I am currently dating, who I met in an elevator of all places!!

As he walked out of the elevator he mentioned Happy Hour at a popular establishment later that evening and that I should stop by.

That was it!  But there was an energy between us that was undeniable, I felt it, HE felt it.

He didn't specify it was a "date." He didn't say any of the things most men say (or do) to "pull me" or to attract me.

The attraction was simply there, nothing had to be said and frankly I didn't  want it said!   

It was the 'wondering and uncertainty' of what may happen (or not happen) that created tension and built the attraction.

JMO, but this is where many men make mistakes.  They feel they need to be direct with their intentions from the get go, to 'make' something happen.  

They don't allow for that bit of wondering and uncertainty that can be quite exciting, for BOTH, again during the early stages. 

I know many women who say they would rather a man be direct about his feelings and intentions, they need that security.

But when men are that direct, those same women end up feeling "meh" about him and nexting him!  

I've seen it happen time and time again, on this forum and others.  And what I observe outside in the real  world.

To the OP, take a deep breath and ask her out.  Something light like a drink at a pub where the environment is upbeat, you can sit close, share finger foods like nachos or something which can be a great way to connect on early dates while listening to the great music playing. 

No need to specify it's a 'date' or to tell her how you feel. If she's attracted, you'll feel that chemistry naturally.   So will she about you!

Don't push or force anything, let it all happen naturally and organically.  

If it does not happen, move on to the next.

JMO and good luck, keep us posted!

 

 

[Sam1986]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I invite you to read my own thread about when I met the man I am currently dating, who I met in an elevator of all places!!

As he walked out of the elevator he mentioned Happy Happy at a popular establishment later that evening and that I should stop by.

That was it!  But there was an energy between us that was undeniable, I felt it, HE felt it.

He didn't specify it was a "date." He didn't say any of the things many men say (or do) to "pull me" or to attract me.

The attraction was simply there, nothing had to be said and frankly I didn't  want it said!   

It was the 'wondering and uncertainty' of what may happen (or not happen) that created tension and built the attraction.

I'm happy you met a guy that way, and I think we'd all like a little more of that in our lives. But while that may have been perfect for you in that particular situation, we can't really extrapolate that this is always the way to approach a given situation.

In the OP's case, he is currently not in a situation like that at all, the situation can't even be compared at this point as these two have known each other for a while, and nothing has come of it so far. Heck, she is clearly seeing other men at this point, so the window of opportunity is closing fast (if it was ever open to begin with). The OP needs to take some swift and direct action here, and asking her out directly is in my opinion the way to go here. No more of this dance back and forth.

This is in no way intended as belittling your experience in any way by the way, I just don't think it applies in this case. It takes quite a confident man and woman on both sides to progress things this way, which is not a factor we know much about in the OPs case (some evidence seems to suggest otherwise even).

[rainbowsandroses]

5 hours ago, Sam1986 said:

The OP is already unsure whether or not she is into him, and so far his connection to this girl hasn't amounted to anything. If anything, the OP has pretty much done all these steps already (apart from drinks it seems), and it's gotten him nowhere so far. Even to the point where she is clearly meeting other guys.

^^ What does this tell you, and the OP?  It tells me she's not all that interested and he should consider moving on and begin meeting other women himself.

Do you honestly think at this point where nothing has happened and in fact she's making a point to meet other guys, that if he asks her out on a formal 'date' and makes his intentions clear, she's going to suddenly and miraculously become attracted to him?

Again, imo and experience this is where many men make mistakes believing they need to push or force something that should simply be there naturally.

However I suppose it doesn't hurt to try, so he can try what you suggest on and see what happens.

I still think if he's going to go that route, a casual drink at a pub, listening to music and sharing finger foods is the way to go.

Let her wonder a bit about what his intentions are and again let things happen naturally.

 

[Sam1986]

22 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^ What does this tell you, and the OP?  It tells me she's not all that interested and he should consider moving on and begin meeting other women himself.

Do you honestly think at this point where nothing has happened and in fact she's making a point to meet other guys, that if he asks her out on a formal 'date' and makes his intentions clear, she's going to suddenly and miraculously become attracted to him?

The way the OP presented this, there are indications that she could be interested, and there as indications that she's not. We don't know anything for sure here, and we can assume her interest for him all day long. That's why I advocate just asking her out for a date directly, because that cuts down the ambiguity and gives him a straight answer. Whether or not that answer is positive or negative is not something we know at this point, but at least he will have one after he clarifies his intentions. He is clearly thinking a lot about this issue and how to interpret her interest, and from my experience it's easiest to just be forthright at that point to save himself from more headache.

I personally think that the notion that you can "build attraction" with just about anyone is nonsense in most cases, one that often gets portrayed by the dating advice industry. In my own case a girl can push a few buttons that would make me more attracted to her, but they have nothing to do about the "tension and anticipation" that you describe here, and she would have to be a genius to find out which ones they are beforehand. Hence it's a personal variable that might or might not apply in this case. It worked for you, but there is no reason believe that we can extrapolate this to apply to the OPs situation.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Sam1986 said:

The way the OP presented this, there are indications that she could be interested, and there as indications that she's not. We don't know anything for sure here, and we can assume her interest for him all day long. That's why I advocate just asking her out for a date directly, because that cuts down the ambiguity and gives him a straight answer. Whether or not that answer is positive or negative is not something we know at this point, but at least he will have one after he clarifies his intentions. He is clearly thinking a lot about this issue and how to interpret her interest, and from my experience it's easiest to just be forthright at that point to save himself from more headache.

Fair enough and agree in part.

The only thing I disagree with is specifying it's a "date" and/or being direct with his feelings and intentions.

I don't think it's necessary, and may harm any potential, it's simply too soon, they have not even had one date yet.

But yes definitely ask her out, for sure.  One-on-one and gauge the chemistry, play it out and do not push or force. 

That said, there are some women who prefer that type of direct approach but from what OP has posted, I don't sense she's one of them.

I could be wrong and if that's his style and he's comfortable with being direct without it sounding contrived then he should go for it. 😀

[rainbowsandroses]

@YouAreNotAlone after reading our posts, what are your thoughts?  

[rainbowsandroses]

On 12/11/2023 at 6:00 AM, YouAreNotAlone said:

But today happened something that really shook me. I've overheard her talking with her friends about a guy that hit on her this weekend. When her friends asked her "When are we going to meet him?", she said "I have to get to know him first". When she saw that I might hear her, she told her friend "I can't talk about it right now, understand?" and subtly showing with eyes in my direction. And I believe it was obvious that she didn't want to talk about it in front of me which is interesting cause she has behaved with me like we are close friends and why wouldn't she talk with me about that then if she doesn't feel anything romantically about me.

OP, I just took a closer read of your original post, specifically what's quoted above, and am going to backtrack on my earlier posts and present another possibility..  And I apologize for not reading more closely the first time.

Do you think it's possible the man she was referring to is you?  And that is why she immediately shut the conversation with her girlfriend down when she noticed you and steered her eyes in your direction?

And also why she hasn't talked with you about "this guy"?  

This "other guy" may actually be you!  Her telling her friend he hit on her over the weekend was a ruse. 

NOT saying that's what happening only that it's possible.  Anything is possible at this point.

Ask her out for a drink.  Get her out one-on-one and gauge the chemistry.  Determine for yourself if you are that "guy" she was referring to.

You have absolutely nothing to lose and everything to gain by doing so.

IF it IS you, she's "wondered" enough, so have you!

If there IS actually another guy, consider moving on from whatever this is and meeting/dating other women.

Time to make a move!  

 

 

[YouAreNotAlone]

Whoah, didn't expect this amount of replies and analysis, thank you!

First to answer @rainbowsandroses your last post. It's not me. She was talking about some guy that approached her in a club this weekend.

And now, I asked her to go with me and see a movie. She wasn't interested as it's kind of movies she doesn't like at all (honestly I think I alone wouldn't watch it, as it's specific genre) so I guess it's kinda rejection. And I am ready to accept that as I believe that any answer than YES is a NO. But, after this, we continued talking about movies, shows we like, she was teasing me about some stuff that we talked recently about a tv show, I teased her about something else, so it continued like she never rejected me. Today, she was with the same energy as before when interacting with me, maybe even more affectionate with warm smiles when listening to me talking to her (there was something different in that smile, don't know what haha).

You mentioned about some kind of energy or pull you felt with a guy in elevator, well that's how I would explain our energy tbh. Whenever we are in the same room, even today, we nearly always end up close to each other, talking, laughing etc. When we are one-on-one when waiting for classes, it can last for hours and we sit and have a drink in that time, we talk non stop about any subject.

I know it's probably all friendly behavior from her side and that's why I'm going to lower my focus on her. But I'm ready to explore the possibility that @rainbowsandroses mentioned and just take it slow and natural and see where it goes as this direct approach didn't work, maybe she needs more time or maybe just not interested.

[boltnrun]

Did you suggest a different movie? Or a different activity?