Stressed and don't know what to do!

[confused8023]

I've been with my partner for over 5 years. I'm 42 he's 52  It's been very on an off from the start. When we first got together I found out he was still talking to exes behind my back and  it ruined my trust for him straight away that's when the arguments started I was going to leave and he said he had cut them all off.  After that it was a very bumpy relationship his exes were turning up to family events which made me feel uncomfortable but I was just made to get on with it..still 5 years later they still show up whenever there's a party but I've just got used to it but I always have thought it was disrespectful and no one thought of my feelings and he wouldnt say anything. He's never really worked since we have been together in the 5 years and is happy just claiming jobseekers. where I have always worked hard and I work alot and always have and try and encorage him to get a proper job but he shows no interest he wil say next year but he goes on and on about my work he dont see me and accuses me all the time of cheating when I'm not that is in itself stressful. When we argue and he's in the wrong he will ignore me for days and never apoligises.

We havnt celebrated birthdays or anniversary because of the arguments over his jelousy and paranoia and disrespect and we dont speak during that time. We recently had a break and we met and talked and ive started to see him again and it was fine for a week or so but just recently he's been going on again about me working too much accusing me with men hanging up the phone and last night sent me a picture that he had took our pics down off his wall and said he can now have other people in his house, women who want to spend time with him and I can have my work mates as he puts it,  next day hes telling me he loves me im his everything and he wants us to live together when my son moves out...we had a night out and I saw a colleague I worked with I smiled and said hello  and he kicked off and ruined my night and is now saying I have something going on with him. 

I have found myself making excuses to not see him I feel like so much has happened he's verbually abusive when we argue i can't communicate with him properly and he twists everything to be my fault  plus its getting to xmas my family dont like him and they dont even know I'm talking to him again . I feel stressed out im not happy with this situation before and I'm having anxiety everyday..

[Batya33]

What’s stopping you and what has stopped you all these years from no longer dating him ? Other than “but I love him “. 

[Jaunty]

Since you have recently had a "break" and evidently do not live together, NOW IS THE TIME to stop this madness.

Please please show yourself some love.  There is NOTHING here for you at all except for the "comfort" of the familiar, as horrid as that is. 

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, confused8023 said:

. He's never really worked since we have been together in the 5 years and is happy just claiming jobseekers.  he wants us to live together when my son moves out...

Sorry this is happening. On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved conflicts and incompatibilities combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. In this case it's just drama and frustration for you. 

Do not let him move in with you and your son. He's unemployed. Please consider cutting your losses. He's looking for a free ride.

Save yourself a lot more headaches and heartaches and set yourself free from this. 

[boltnrun]

Can you list what it is you "love" about him?

I hope it's not just "We've been together so long" or "Other than when he's emotionally abusing me and treating me like garbage he's lovely!" 

[confused8023]

8 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Can you list what it is you "love" about him?

I hope it's not just "We've been together so long" or "Other than when he's emotionally abusing me and treating me like garbage 

I really can't answer I guess I'm just used to him, this Is what I cant answer I do wonder If I have issues too and it's not only him and he has got a good heart and is helpful but seriously I dont know what to say this is why I feel so stressed as I don't know why I'm holding on. I think I have attachment issues but something dont feel right this is why I keep making excuses not to see him I'm not happy at all.

[Batya33]

12 minutes ago, confused8023 said:

I really can't answer I guess I'm just used to him, this Is what I cant answer I do wonder If I have issues too and it's not only him and he has got a good heart and is helpful but seriously I dont know what to say this is why I feel so stressed as I don't know why I'm holding on. I think I have attachment issues but something dont feel right this is why I keep making excuses not to see him I'm not happy at all.

Have you sought therapy for this? If you want someone helpful hire people -handyman, counselor, etc.  How is it he has a good heart in how he treats you? Sounds like his good heart has been shared with a number of his exes, yes?

[catfeeder]

I'd re-read the post you wrote and ask myself if this is how I want to spend my future.

You have a lot of years ahead, and if you can get past this lousy relationship, you can open new opportunities to ENJOY those years.

Breakups are stressful and even sometimes dangerous for women. I'd call the human services department of your local hospital and ask for a referral to a counselor who can help you safely shut down a man who won't stop pursuing you.

There are counselors trained in this stuff, and they can offer you resources and advise you on a plan to safely keep this man away from bothering you.

Head high, and hold your ground. You're almost there! 

[confused8023]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Can you list what it is you "love" about him?

I hope it's not just "We've been together so long" or "Other than when he's emotionally abusing me and treating me like garbage he's lovely!" 

I always think he might change his ways he can be nice. I'm trying to help him do better by encouraging him to work. He says I'm jelous of him how am I jelous he on benefits I don't know what I love to be honest!

[boltnrun]

41 minutes ago, confused8023 said:

I always think he might change his ways he can be nice. I'm trying to help him do better by encouraging him to work. He says I'm jelous of him how am I jelous he on benefits I don't know what I love to be honest!

What evidence do you have that he WANTS to "change"?

Why should he "change"? He gets to sit around collecting government benefits and have you and his exes hovering around. I bet you pay for things for him. I bet you cry when he's mean to you. I bet you even tell him you love him. Why would he want to change any of that?

If you can't even list one thing about him that inspires you to love him...what do you think that is telling you?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, confused8023 said:

 he's verbually abusive when we argue. my family dont like him and they dont even know I'm talking to him again

Please listen to your family and friends.  Reach out to friends and family and don't isolate yourself.  Be grateful you don't live together. Please take care of yourself and your son.

You know he's abusive and a bum. He's not going to change. Please read up on "sunk cost fallacy", it's when you overinvested and just keep investing in a losing proposition. Set yourself free. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, confused8023 said:

I always think he might change his ways he can be nice. I'm trying to help him do better by encouraging him to work. He says I'm jelous of him how am I jelous he on benefits I don't know what I love to be honest!

Why should an adult have to “encourage “ her healthy adult partner to work ?? You’re not his therapist or his mom - even his mom shouldn’t. Adults with rare exception need no real encouragement to work except on an off day or need a pep talk during very stressful times. If he lacks inner motivation to be a mature adult who is financially responsible - why bother. Also where’s his ambition and work ethic?

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, confused8023 said:

he has got a good heart

No, he doesn't. 

Men with good hearts don't do this:
 

5 hours ago, confused8023 said:

he was still talking to exes behind my back

5 hours ago, confused8023 said:

accuses me all the time of cheating

5 hours ago, confused8023 said:

he will ignore me for days and never apoligises

5 hours ago, confused8023 said:

We havnt celebrated birthdays or anniversary because of the arguments over his jelousy and paranoia and disrespect

5 hours ago, confused8023 said:

sent me a picture that he had took our pics down off his wall and said he can now have other people in his house, women who want to spend time with him

5 hours ago, confused8023 said:

he's verbually abusive when we argue

 

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Why should an adult have to “encourage “ her healthy adult partner to work ?? 

Exactly what I was thinking. If you believe you're 'helping' him, you're being foolish. He's a grown man with no ambition, no pride, no work ethic, and he has nothing better to do than sit around and invent jealousies and take them out on you. Why put up with that, don't you want better for yourself?

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Exactly what I was thinking. If you believe you're 'helping' him, you're being foolish. He's a grown man with no ambition, no pride, no work ethic, and he has nothing better to do than sit around and invent jealousies and take them out on you. Why put up with that, don't you want better for yourself?

Also why would anyone be jealous of his choices? Does he really think many people would prefer to sit around all day and not work -either paid or volunteer? Does he volunteer or contribute to the community or the world in some way -has he expressed any interest in that? Most people I know would not be jealous of his life choices (or lack thereof) at all -he's thinking that you'd want a neverending "vacation" and it's simply not true.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm not sure if this has already been asked, but how does he support himself? 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, HeartGoesOn said:

I'm not sure if this has already been asked, but how does he support himself? 

He gets unemployment from the government according to her OP. And is proud of it and accuses her of being "jealous" 🙄

[HeartGoesOn]

TY, Bolt

Sounds like a nice guy...Dream come true.    😠

[confused8023]

On 12/1/2023 at 7:10 PM, boltnrun said:

What evidence do you have that he WANTS to "change"?

Why should he "change"? He gets to sit around collecting government benefits and have you and his exes hovering around. I bet you pay for things for him. I bet you cry when he's mean to you. I bet you even tell him you love him. Why would he want to change any of that?

If you can't even list one thing about him that inspires you to love him...what do you think that is telling you?

He doesn't want to change he will never change. he does work on the side i dont give him any money. Yes I do get upset its the constant accusations the verbal abuse calling me narsty when I've been nothing but loyal to him it's draining I've really had enough..one min he's lovely next abusive 

[boltnrun]

47 minutes ago, confused8023 said:

He doesn't want to change he will never change. he does work on the side i dont give him any money. Yes I do get upset its the constant accusations the verbal abuse calling me narsty when I've been nothing but loyal to him it's draining I've really had enough..one min he's lovely next abusive 

Can you give a really good reason why you stay and tolerate this?

[confused8023]

I really can't tell u i have always had attachment issues and stuck about in relationships a lot longer then i should have done. This is what I need help not doing.i always feel in a way that I'm the problem too at times he does twist things alot and makes me feel like sometimes I'm the cause but I think I have the issue i can't just walk away.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, confused8023 said:

I really can't tell u i have always had attachment issues and stuck about in relationships a lot longer then i should have done. This is what I need help not doing.i always feel in a way that I'm the problem too at times he does twist things alot and makes me feel like sometimes I'm the cause but I think I have the issue i can't just walk away.

Of course you CAN walk away. You choose not to. Why justify it based on attachment “issues” - would you let a best friend or loved one get away with that sort of excuse ?

[boltnrun]

What are you doing to try to stop relying on "attachment issues" as an excuse to stay in bad relationships? 

You say you "need help". Who have you gone to for help with this self destructive behavior?

[confused8023]

I talk to family and friends thats it really.

[boltnrun]

48 minutes ago, confused8023 said:

I talk to family and friends thats it really.

And do they encourage you to stay in this relationship?