My friends (and family) dont support me

[Notmi]

Hello.

I am 28 F and this past few months I have been through hell...

I am an engineer and for the past 5 years I was working as such making ready for the next career step. My dream was always to get into academic research. After devoting myself in this the whole of the last year (2022-2023) I landed a full scholarship in a masters programm one of the most expensive and important university in my country (I am in Europe). I immidiatly moved to the city of the university with my bf (30) who also thought that it is a good opportunity for him to do a seminar/ masters programm too in the same university. (we are on the same field) He is the sweetest guy and truly supports me in everything. (

The problem starts with everything else. I dont have the money to support myself without working while I study and I do a full time job and classes at the same time. Its been two months and I am dead. The classes are extremely difficult and demanding nobody other in this degree is working (all have rich families). A student loan is also not a solution. I find myself tired all the time. I am failing in the classes because of this. My dream is to get a PhD but if this goes on like this I wont be able to.  My family is not rich but middle class and the refuse to help because they dont believe in the academic field.  They think my choice is stupid and immature and that it is time to work and make a family (I dont even want kids!!)

My friends also dont support me at all. The said congats on the scholarship but nothing else. Everytime I say how tired I am they say that it was my choice and I should not complain...

I work in a company in which in my position I worked with a friend. (we have the same friend group.) She decided to quit her job (which I recommended her for) without any warning and without giving time for the company to find another employee and even without closing her projects. She just said goodbye and did not come back. My boss was furious and yelled at me too for recommending her (this is his problem ) but now I have to do all her work too, working overtime 10 h and more. Her work the past few months was awful most of her projects have mistakes and such and now I am trying to save everything. I got mad and told her that this is very bad. She did this knowing that it will harm me.

My other friends all say that she did nothing wrong she just wanted to leave and she left. She also has no money problems has her own house and wanted to take time of to see what she wants to do in her life and do some seminars on dance (she is also a dancer). 

I am devastated and very tired.. 

[Jaunty]

Your friend's work decisions are really none of your business, though I understand how your boss's anger and the extra work load are adding to your stress and exhaustion.

Do you and your boyfriend plan a future together?  If you do have such plans, can he take on a bigger share of the household expenses while you are doing this academic program?  

A lot of married couples I know spent times where one of them was working much more while the other was finishing school or building their whatever (in one case the husband was a photographer getting his work together, his wife was the breadwinner during that time).

My own parents did a version of that while my mother, a nurse, worked like a dawg while my father was finishing his medical internship and residency.

Even if your bf can't contribute more financially, you must be sharing expenses - maybe you can cut more corners, rent a smaller / cheaper place, etc.  You definitely don't need to be in a job where you have to work 10 hours overtime. Since you are splitting all living expenses, I think (like many students) you should be able to squeeze by with a part time job.

 

[Batya33]

Does your school have a part time program? I don't think your family is at all obligated to fund your higher education (my husband and I have advanced degrees- his parents did -they chose to -my parents let me live at home to save $ and I took out loans and worked part time for part of my studies).

I would talk with your academic advisor and look into taking out loans. I'm sorry you're so exhausted!

[boltnrun]

My son's spouse is in a Master's program while working full time simultaneously. Yes, it's a lot to take on. 

Maybe consider taking an extra semester or year to finish school so you could reduce your class load. 

Sorry you're under so much stress. Hopefully your boyfriend is supportive. 

[Andrina]

Well, working the extra 10 hours isn't permanent, since that will stop when the company hires someone new.

Is your boyfriend overwhelmed too? Does he work full time? Do you two live together? What has he done to support you besides emotional support?

As said, think of ways to reduce stress. Downsizing to cheaper accommodations, so that you can maybe ask to cut down on some of your work hours. See if it's allowed to take on a lighter workload in school credits. It might take you longer to finish, but it'd be better to excel than trying to keep your head above water.

As far as your friends go, you can now compartmentalize them into another category of people to have fun with, but lower your expectations on a shoulder to cry on. If you're regularly disappointed, consider that sometimes friends can grow apart, or perhaps they tire of too much griping from you and don't want to enable that.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Notmi said:

 My dream was always to get into academic research. After devoting myself in this the whole of the last year (2022-2023) I landed a full scholarship in a masters programm one of the most expensive and important university in my country 

Congratulations on your acceptance into a prestigious university and scholarship. It's great you have a supportive BF. Try to focus on these two very fortunate aspects. 

At 28 your family shouldn't be supporting you anyway. They seem to have more provincial ideas about women and education, but that's them and you are doing what you want anyway.

As far as friends, it's unfortunate this friend quit and left you and your employer in the lurch, but it's his responsibility to hire someone else.

Try to adjust to the rigors of your new endeavor. You seem overwhelmed, but a prestigious graduate school is never a piece of cake to get through. Consider organizing study groups or managing your coursework better.

As far as working your way through school, that's fine. You don't have to envy trust fund or legacy students. Just feel more grateful for all the blessings you do have.

[catfeeder]

Consider negotiating with BF to lower or maintain your expenses just enough to take an easier job.

Why kill yourself when the point of your schooling is to move beyond that job anyway?

With an unsupportive boss, I'd skip that crunch, focus on my studies, and land myself a less stressful job that will enable me to do so. Some companies actually encourage employees to use available time to study and complete homework--find one of those!