Am I overreacting or is this a red flag?

[busybee12]

This dilemma is a bit different but was hoping for your advice.

Brian and I are going travelling for six months before moving in together in London. We’re going to South East Asia and it’s been something we’re so excited about. My parents are very chill / trust me a lot, so they’re not worried at all.

On the other hand, Brian’s parents admitted that they’re a bit nervous about us going so far and for so long. His mum babies him quite a lot (she writes his job applications for him and made him study timetables when he was at school etc). He’s quite independent but I think she quite likes to know what’s going on in his life / have a say.

Last week, he asked me if it’s alright if his parents book flights to Malaysia whilst we’re out travelling to come and see us. I found this a bit odd as they’ve never been interested in SE Asia before until we booked our trip, but I said that it’s fine because, well, what else could I say?! I could hardly say no without sounding like a ***.

Yesterday, Brian informed me they finally booked their flights, so it’s all confirmed. They’re coming out to visit us. I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal, but for me, this trip was a chance to get away with Brian alone for an extended period of time, really bond with each other, and become more independent.

I know I sound really bratty, but I’m worried that if Brian’s mum can’t go 6 months without seeing him and will book flights to Malaysia to see him, I’m getting the vibe of a controlling / needy mother in law? Will she insist on coming to flat viewings when we move in together next year? This isn’t the first time she’s done this - she also will book our restaurants while we’re away on holiday as a couple. It’s well intentioned but a bit much? I also know a week isn’t that deep, but now we have to plan when to be in Malaysia so it coincides with their holiday, taking the spontaneity out of our trip, which was one of the main points of it.

Am I being really bratty? The flights are already booked so there’s not a lot I can do, but just wondering what you guys think of this and if it’s a red flag? 

[busybee12]

As extra detail - we are both 23 and have been together for 4 years.

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, busybee12 said:

As extra detail - we are both 23 and have been together for 4 years.

Why not rethink living together? If you live together you'll have less distance from her and it's possible she would be at your flat constantly babying your BF. 

While you are away refect if you want his mother running your life. If you stay with him, that seems to be how he would like things to be. 

[Batya33]

When are you getting married ? What’s the purpose In living together? I’d address this with your boyfriend. It’s on him to have boundaries. It’s totally normal how she raised him. Then he was kid. Now he’s an independent adult. Therefore it’s up to him to establish boundaries. 

[Lambert]

You should definitely get in the habit of being truthful with your partner, especially when directly asked.  if you are unsure how to say no to something, ask for some time to think about it. Put your thoughts together and get back to them in a timely manner.

Saying sure, when you clearly don't want to do something is not good for you or your relationship.

The tickets are bought.  You agreed. So I'd go with it. To do otherwise makes your future in laws victims to your indecision and will cause unnecessary drama and hurt feelings.

Your feelings aren't bratty. You're actions are. 

Use this as an opportunity to see how things go.  Talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. explain you wished had said no and why, but what's done is done. Yor're not asking to change it. It stirred up feelings you have about them imposing on your lives.  What does he think?  What types of boundaries are reasonable to him?  What role etc will his parents play in your lives? 

Get on the same page with this and move forward together or see the writing on the wall before you move in. 

 

[smackie9]

I wouldn't have an issue with this since you are travelling for 6 months and this is for what a week? This would be an opportunity to get familiar with family before marriage. This also gets his parents out of their comfort zone and learn about travelling....hopefully this will encourage them in future to venture out themselves. 

Right now you are just assuming the negative when it can be a small blip. Just address your concerns now, like all your concerns, past , present and the future. Let him understand that from here on out and when you are married all decisions are to be made together. Also this would be a time to express to him you are more of an independent type and don't like too much involvement from the parents about how you live, and want to live. Communication is key. 

[catfeeder]

I would roll with it since it’s done and without making any waves about it, because that would contaminate the opportunity to observe throughout your trip. Learn how tethered he actually is, or maybe you’ll find that he is not. Learn how well you all get along during their stay—it’s not very long, right?

 While I agree with the input above that you have discussions about your goals and independence before you move in together, I would consider the trip to be an important information gathering mission—and without attempting to influence too much of what you could otherwise learn.

EnjOy!

[JohnJawn]

How long are they planning on visiting you in Malaysia? Are his parents also living in London? 

If you love him I think this is a compromise you're going to have to make. At least for a while. You're only 23. I can't speak to this specifically but a lot of parents still view their children as children at that age. Maybe it gets batter as you get older or if you get married but if you have to decide if it is worth tolerating in order to continue to grow as a partnership. 

Go and have fun!  You're going to have the time of your life. Don't let this ruin your experience.