Heartbroken… how did I get this so wrong?

[gobearcat]

If anyone could shed some light on this I would be really grateful as I have been left heartbroken and confused.

At the beginning of this year I was really sad and coming out of a depression.
I then met a guy in February at a pub where he worked and it was an instant spark… it was special. We were texting a lot and got to know each other really well then decided to meet.
When we met, Everything was great, he was a bit nervous, took me for a Motorcylce ride and then back to his place. 
He told me I was beautiful, showed me the most amazing affection, was so nice and loving to me I couldn’t believe it. We were texting back and forth and we seemed to really like each other, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no as it was a bit soon. He asked me what I am looking for and I said hopefully something long term and I do want kids in the further and probably fairly soon due to my age (I’m 34). He seemed to be really into the idea of kids and we spoke about that and what it would be like if we did get to that stage. 
We carried on messaging and agreed to meet again the following week. One night I was worried he just wanted me for sex so during conversation when I asked where we were going on the date, I commented saying I’m I don’t like it when guys aren’t clear in what their intentions are. He said “how have I not been clear?” And I said, sorry just ignore me, as I knew this comment was based on past experiences and I was just stressing about it happening again.

The following day I had no messages from him and I didn’t hear from him all day. He ghosted me/stood me up for the meeting that night. I called and called and texted but he just disappeared. 
I was quite sad and I went on holiday for 2 weeks and when I got back I messaged him saying I missed him. He sent me an emoji of a gun against a women’s head. The next day he messaged me again and we got talking but it was different, his personality had changed to more angry and when I asked why he ghosted me he said it was because of the way I spoke to him. He also said he thought it was weird I didn’t let him come over to my place (I live with my ex) so I’m not sure if he picked up on some shady vibes from me. I apologised and explained I have past trauma, but he was still different with me. He asked if I wanted to meet again, and I declined because of how he was being with me. Eventually I agreed to meet him again and we went away for the weekend. In person he was nice to me again, not as nice as the first time when he had been super affectionate with me.

Anyway after the weekend he texted me saying he wanted to see me again, but couldn’t for a few weeks. I send him a photo of my leg burn that I got from the motorbike, and he called me dumb. I asked him why he was speaking to me so disrespectfully and he said “I said what I said”. I then didn’t hear from him for a few days so I messaged him asking him if he was still interested and he said he was surprised I had asked seeing as I didn’t reply to him?? Anyway the next few months consisted of him ghosting me, speaking to me disrespectfully (called me a “dumb ***” a lot) and also saying that I needed to get a place because he wanted to impregnate me (he really wanted kids). I told him I was in the process of getting my own place and that I wanted to be with him. I put his strange mixed behaviour down to him because insecure about my ex relationship, because we had not really spoken about it. 
Then one day he asked me to stop messaging him and when I asked why he said “you know why”. I told him whatever he thought he had got it wrong, but I left him alone at his request. 
Couple of weeks later I received a video of him of a collab of things he had been doing, and I was confused by this as he had told me to back off. Few weeks went by and I got myself a place and I texted him a big long message explaining that I had been struggling mentally when I met him and that he had made me feel better and I loved seeing him in person. I was basically in love with him at this point. He asked to come over to see me and we spoke for one day, back and forth, there was some jokey banter nothing I would say was a serious argument, but by the next day he had me blocked again. He then unblocked me a week later to ask if he could come over. I said no as I thought it was too last minute. We arranged the following week. He didn’t turn up. He did this about five times in a row and I started to ask him what’s going on, we had spoke about having kids, having a life ect and he was acting like this? He said he didn’t see it working because we didn’t talk. I asked if he’s into someone else he said no several times. He would switch and change between saying he wanted to impregnate me and then not turn up to see me. We had some sexual conversations where he asked me to send him a video saying I belonged to him and only him. This made me thing he was insecure and not trusting of me which is why he was being so weird with me.
eventually I couldn’t take any more after I was left waiting and crying and called it off and I wished him well. He said it was my own fault because every time we talk over text I say things to make him not want to talk to me. I was super confused by this and I thought he had developed some kind of annoyance towards me as everything I said he was never happy with and he seemed to have a problem with me. We wished each other well. 
He got back in touch a week later saying he wanted to come over, I said no point, you won’t come. He asked to see me another day the following week, I was reluctant to agree again but I had plans to see family. He asked to see me the week later but I also had plans that day. I said what about the Friday? He said he was busy. I said ok.

Then completely out the blue he sends me a screenshot of a text from a girl saying she had booked an event for them with lots of hearts ect in the message. At this point I felt sick and said “so you’re seeing someone else?” He said “guess so”. I asked him if he liked her more and he said “yeah she’s nice” he send me a picture of her??? 
I was heartbroken and just don’t understand this behaviour. I had been telling him for months I wanted to start something properly with him, he wouldn’t date me, but yet he will go to this event with this new girl?? He said he had been texting her a couple of months. So he had lied to me. I thought we were gonna start a family as only the week before we were talking about having kids. I had been basically in love with this guy for six months despite him treating me terribly. But I had blamed that on some kind of insecurity or trust issue he had with me. I was crying and asked him why he could be so cruel. He told me to go away, that he doesn’t care. I asked him if he hated me and he said yes! 
please can someone help me understand this behaviour, *** is going on with this guy? I have no idea if he ever liked me or if he liked me a lot and was hurt and is trying to hurt me back? 
He told me he liked her more? So I’m guessing from his behaviour to me he didn’t really like me all that much anyway. But then why the need to be so cruel? 
I can’t move on until I understand this because no one has ever been this kind to me and then so unkind. I’m baffled by it all. 
 

please help, I’ve been unable to sleep going over it all, not eating, lost 6lbs in 1 week, crying every day, I just want to understand this. 
thank you 

 

[MissCanuck]

16 minutes ago, gobearcat said:

I can’t move on until I understand this because no one has ever been this kind to me and then so unkind.

He's abusive. That's it. 

The love-bombing followed by verbal and emotional abuse is a textbook example of an abusive relationship. You won't really be able to understand what motivates people like him, simply because you aren't wire that way yourself (forunately)

Rather than wasting time and tears trying to understand him, it's time to sit down in a quiet place, dig deep, and understand yourself. You need to get to the bottom of why you attached yourself so much to such a person, despite all the serious deal-breakers along the way. Some questions to think and reflect on: why did you dive right into this when still living with ex? What sort of emotional life-raft were you searching for there? What wounds were you trying to heal with this flimsy new relationship?  Why did you seek so much validation from him, when he treated you like garbage again and again?

In short, this is less about him, and more about you. You didn't deserve to be treated so poorly, but you need to understand how you wound up being your own worst enemy by sticking around rather than choosing to be your own best friend and getting away from him. 

[Kwothe28]

25 minutes ago, gobearcat said:

please can someone help me understand this behaviour, *** is going on with this guy?

Think you answered yourself

25 minutes ago, gobearcat said:

One night I was worried he just wanted me for sex

people who bail out/ghost/are abusive dont really care for you. He could tell you how he wants kids every day of the week. But that doesnt change fact that he just acted like you are nothing. If a man doesnt even takes you to dates and just comes to home visits, he just wants one thing. Sorry it happened. But your initial instict here was right on the money. Amd you should have cut him the first time he bailed and ghosted you.

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, gobearcat said:

 He also said he thought it was weird I didn’t let him come over to my place (I live with my ex). speaking to me disrespectfully (called me a “dumb ***” a lot) and also saying that I needed to get a place because he wanted to impregnate me

Please try to sort out things and any unfinished business with your ex. This man seems like an abusive creep. All he wanted was high risk sex and someone to be cruel to. Please delete and block him permanently and avoid him and the pub where he works.

[Andrina]

4 hours ago, gobearcat said:

He sent me an emoji of a gun against a women’s head.

At this point, I didn't have to read any further. The fact you didn't block him at that point is mindboggling. Please don't date again until you've worked on your self-worth and learned to identify huge red flags waving in your face. When you lack self-love, you attract and accept toxic people.

[Jaunty]

Well. Rewind to the very beginning.

After your very first date, he asked you to be his girlfriend and you said no, "it was a bit too soon."

Yet - you immediately went into talking about having kids together with him??!?!  

Yes, I know there is a ton of drama in the ensuing post, but it's all just kind of background noise to the real issue at hand:

BOUNDARIES.   

If you establish some boundaries for yourself in your dating habits, it's likely that you won't need to deal with this kind toxic abusive stuff, because you would have taken the time to get to know a man before becoming completely enmeshed with him.

Please get some help with establishing boundaries before you date anyone else.  You're a danger to yourself.

[shouldhavelearned]

Stay away from him 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Andrina said:

At this point, I didn't have to read any further. The fact you didn't block him at that point is mindboggling. Please don't date again until you've worked on your self-worth and learned to identify huge red flags waving in your face. When you lack self-love, you attract and accept toxic people.

Agree. He sounds like a real jerk.  Stay away.  When I was dating in my 30s (until I turned 39 and started dating my husband) - I wanted kids "yesterday" and I only dated men more than once or twice who told me that they generally were looking for marriage and family. I was always honest about my age despite looking much younger.  I couldn't freeze my eggs- wasn't yet a viable option in 1998.  I was clear I wasn't going to marry then wait years to start trying for a family.  Why not freeze your eggs -it' $$ but the peace of mind might be worth it.  

I started trying to conceive when I was 40, got pregnant right before my 42nd bday.  All was well but yes it was emotionally much more stressful than had I been able to start younger -that is the truth for sure.  But 34 is not over the hill yet -especially if you consider freezing your eggs.

[1a1a]

Ugh, it’s time to look deep inside your self, why did you hold onto this red flag factory?

I’m sad for your grief but relieved this guy has turned his weirdo arsehole attention somewhere else. Don’t let him back in! Look for enthusiastic yeses. Everywhere in life, enthusiastic yes! No more luke warm boys!