Thinking of ending friendship of 20+ years. I've had enough.

[mamabear82]

I have had a long term friendship of many years. We have had many ups and downs and she has been a handful to say the least. I have put up with alot from her and always struggled to stand up for myself with her because any time I did, she would make me feel like I was being too emotional, sensitive or was wrong in one way or another. When she lived further away I could keep my distance and chose to only be around her in small doses. She made me feel less than on more than several occasions and I was often compared to her other friends, vocally or passive aggressively. 

She went through a divorce and decided to move all the way back to my town. I wasn't crazy about the idea because she has this way of just taking over things and I could atleast have a reason to not ve around her so much with distance as the excuse. But, she came along apologizing for her poor behavior in the past. I wanted to forgive her and move forward and start anew. We have kids the same age and alot of history...not all bad...and I really love her and was looking forward to a fresh start. But as soon as I became vulnerable with her...literally sitting in her living room with tears in my eyes about wanting to rebuild our friendship...she was too busy on her phone with her newest boytoy and I felt totally dismissed. She acted this way at my daughter's birthday party (was on her phone the whole time and couldn't be interrupted to play with my daughter when she asked her or to take a picture with her without getting huffy). She was acting the same ways she did before her apology and reminded me of why I kept my distance. The last incident was last week for her birthday. We made plans a couple of weeks in advance to spend time together. My daughter and I planned a cake, flowers and quality time. Even confirmed it with her the week and day of. That day of her birthday she tells me she could only see us for a short time between work, going to the store after and then having "last minute" change in plans. We would have had maybe 20-30 minutes with her. I was so upset i just wished ger a good evening. She tried to plan another time and I told her that her suggested times didn't work for me. She never responded again and I have not reached back out. In the past for birthdays she would be upset if certain things weren't done for her and I swear the gifts I got her got stored in a closet somewhere. I shouldn't be surprised...I just wanted to do something kind for her. I really allowed her to blame me for things over the years and also blamed myself. Part of me doesn't want to continue this friendship anymore. But another part of me really cares and my daughter adores her daughter and it would shatter her heart if they couldn't see each other anymore. And I also hate she is literally 10 minutes down the road yet feels so far away and I honestly wish she wouldn't have moved here. The thought of her actions hurts alot is why and I really resent her. Thoughts?

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, mamabear82 said:

  my daughter adores her daughter and it would shatter her heart if they couldn't see each other anymore

It's ok if the children want to be friends, but you don't have to be. She doesn't seem like a good friend to you. Try to distance yourself.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Wiseman2.  Let the daughters remain friends while you enforce strict boundaries with your friend or soon to be ex-friend.  Learn to say, "No thank you"  as necessary,  politely decline socializing,  don't comment on social media,  don't communicate via text,  no more phone calls and pump the brakes on the overall friendship.  It had run its course and it was abnormal anyway. 

Btw,  she engaged in gaslighting you which was forcing you to believe there is something fundamentally wrong with you.  Gaslighting is deflecting,  changing the narrative and shutting the topic and conversation down.  It's a manipulative way to control the dialogue in her favor.  It's the oldest trick in the book.

My thoughts?  Deliberately create space for yourself. 

If you must cross paths,  being boring,  bland,  do NOT share anything about your life anymore,  remain briefly superficial and don't invest yourself into her.  Those days are over.  Keep interactions short,  leave and don't get involved in her life anymore.  She isn't worth it.   ☹️

[catfeeder]

Because of her proximity and the relationship between your daughters, instead of burning that bridge to the degree that you walk around with a tight stomach for having created an enemy in your midst who you want to avoid, I’d just liberate myself by moving her to an acquaintance category.

This way, when your paths cross you’ll feel free to behave pleasantly, as you’d treat a stranger. No strained silence or deep freezes, just a gentle hello with no further effort to converse.

If she raises anything with you, adopt a convenient case of amnesia to block out pain and drama, and just keep the conversation cheerful and singularly focused on your daughters visiting one another.

Beyond that, this woman has done nothing positive to warrant any emotional real estate in your mind. So move beyond that, and be the same kind of good neighbor you’d be toward anyone else with whom you have no emotional connection.

Head high, and good job in how you handled the mistreatment. You are a class act and a good model for your daughter.

[lostandhurt]

Great advice above so please follow it.

 All you need to be is cordial and nothing more.  One word answers will put the brakes on anything she tries to start or pry out of you when you see her.  "How have you been?" Fine   "I haven't seen or heard from you in a while, what have you been up to?"  Not much, just busy   "We should get together and catch up"  I will check my calendar and get back to you   Of course you will NOT get back to her.

 Get some canned responses in your head for if and when you need to deal with her.  In time she will fade and attach to someone else.

Lost

[mamabear82]

Thank you everyone for the wise words and advice. I am taking the advice given here and already applying it...she contacted me today over something very trivial and I was respectful but just kept it moving. Take care everyone.

[SooSad33]

22 hours ago, mamabear82 said:

She tried to plan another time and I told her that her suggested times didn't work for me. She never responded again and I have not reached back out. In the past for birthdays she would be upset if certain things weren't done for her and I swear the gifts I got her got stored in a closet somewhere. I shouldn't be surprised...I just wanted to do something kind for her.

I hear resentment and YOU Have been constantly bowing down for some 'friend', who's done nothing but make you feel 'small', correct?

Hard lesson for sure 😕 .

I have learned over the years how to rid of those types fast.  To not let them continue to belittle me or make me feel like crap!

 

22 hours ago, mamabear82 said:

. I have put up with alot from her and always struggled to stand up for myself with her because any time I did, she would make me feel like I was being too emotional, sensitive or was wrong in one way or another.

Not sure of your dtr's age now, BUT, I'm sure she could carry on a friendship of her own now w/ this womans dtr, if she chooses.  Does not mean you have to be present anymore.

 

Isn't it time now to just stop interacting with this woman who's nothing but full of herself?  Hang with a true friend.