Long-distance guy - update

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

it's a total snoozer when two people launch into a nit-picking match that goes on for pages...

Especially when it's among posters and the OP isn't even participating in the tangential nit-picking. 

Kim, I also encourage you to keep posting and ignore those who get overly-invested in these threads. There are a few who can't seem to help but argue with other posters and derail threads in general. 

[Sindy_0311]

On 12/21/2023 at 2:34 AM, boltnrun said:

I think speculating that he's lying about being unemployed was the strangest assumption

i don't remember someone making that assumption... but still I think it's strange he didn't find a job yet... 

On 12/21/2023 at 2:20 AM, NighttimeNightmare said:

the advice from different perspectives is helpful

This is what this thread is about. You present a situation, you have an issue, and people comment on it based on their experience and beliefs. Some people are very skeptical in life in general, others are more realistic and direct and they have a different approach when dealing with these situations. So there is no use to be offended when people are trying to give different perspectives. @kim42Maybe you will ignore my following posts, but let me just give you some extracts of an interesting article about self-deception.

Wishing you the best and a happy Christmas!

.

.

.

We all do it. We engage in self-deception—hiding the truth from ourselves about our true feelings, motives, or circumstances. When we’re deceiving ourselves, we’re denying evidence, logic, or reality and rationalizing choices or behaviors to serve a false narrative. We’re not seeing or viewing things accurately. Our self-deception can be conscious or unconscious, controlled or automatic, acute or chronic.

Examples of Self-Deception in Action

Self-deception is tricky because we’re often not aware of it when we’re doing it. (That’s how good we are at it.)

• a dreamer who keeps postponing big plans with excuses about not having enough time or it not being the right time to start
• a young single who keeps reading way too much into casual acts by a romantic interest
• a spouse who keeps focusing on his partner’s faults and ignoring his own issues
• a worker who spins self-serving tales about why others are getting raises and promotions
• an addict who believes her addictions are under control*
• ...

Five Signs of Self-Deception

Though it can be hard to detect, there are signs of self-deception in action. For example, we’re probably deceiving ourselves when we:

1. keep making excuses for ourselves or others
2. can’t accept responsibility for things
3. keep blaming others
4. keep avoiding unpleasant realities
5. feel defensive or threatened when people challenge us

https://greggvanourek.com/self-deception/

[Wiseman2]

On 12/21/2023 at 5:27 AM, kim42 said:

I didn't know there was an ignore list, good to know.Thanks everyone for your kinds words. Imight come back and update you guys, thanks for sticking with me throughout this thread! 

It's good you're still in touch and taking it easy.  Are you both going home for the holidays?  In any event, enjoy your friends and family and whatever happens with your long distance guy. 

[kim42]

53 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

i don't remember someone making that assumption... but still I think it's strange he didn't find a job yet... 

This is what this thread is about. You present a situation, you have an issue, and people comment on it based on their experience and beliefs. Some people are very skeptical in life in general, others are more realistic and direct and they have a different approach when dealing with these situations. So there is no use to be offended when people are trying to give different perspectives. @kim42Maybe you will ignore my following posts, but let me just give you some extracts of an interesting article about self-deception.

Wishing you the best and a happy Christmas!

.

.

.

We all do it. We engage in self-deception—hiding the truth from ourselves about our true feelings, motives, or circumstances. When we’re deceiving ourselves, we’re denying evidence, logic, or reality and rationalizing choices or behaviors to serve a false narrative. We’re not seeing or viewing things accurately. Our self-deception can be conscious or unconscious, controlled or automatic, acute or chronic.

Examples of Self-Deception in Action

Self-deception is tricky because we’re often not aware of it when we’re doing it. (That’s how good we are at it.)

• a dreamer who keeps postponing big plans with excuses about not having enough time or it not being the right time to start
• a young single who keeps reading way too much into casual acts by a romantic interest
• a spouse who keeps focusing on his partner’s faults and ignoring his own issues
• a worker who spins self-serving tales about why others are getting raises and promotions
• an addict who believes her addictions are under control*
• ...

Five Signs of Self-Deception

Though it can be hard to detect, there are signs of self-deception in action. For example, we’re probably deceiving ourselves when we:

1. keep making excuses for ourselves or others
2. can’t accept responsibility for things
3. keep blaming others
4. keep avoiding unpleasant realities
5. feel defensive or threatened when people challenge us

https://greggvanourek.com/self-deception/

Yes that assumption was made several pages ago. It's not that easy to find a job in our field so I don't find that strange.

I think there's a huge difference between giving constructive advice/different perspective and bullying and making assumptions - that's not helpful at all.

[kim42]

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you're still in touch and taking it easy.  Are you both going home for the holidays?  In any event, enjoy your friends and family and whatever happens with your long distance guy. 

Yes, I'm traveling tomorrow and he left for his home country earlier than planned because a family member passed away.

Thanks, wise, appreciate it, happy holidays!

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Yes, I'm traveling tomorrow and he left for his home country earlier than planned because a family member passed away.

Thanks, wise, appreciate it, happy holidays!

Happy holidays and I hope you get some well deserved time off from work we’ve been traveling out west since last Saturday and I’ve checked work email a couple times a day. But we’re closed next Monday and Tuesday so I’m hoping they do early closure today so I can stop checking email !  Hope you come back to update. 

[kim42]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Happy holidays and I hope you get some well deserved time off from work we’ve been traveling out west since last Saturday and I’ve checked work email a couple times a day. But we’re closed next Monday and Tuesday so I’m hoping they do early closure today so I can stop checking email !  Hope you come back to update. 

Thank you, Batya, enjoy the holidays with your family and safe travels! 

[Batya33]

Just now, kim42 said:

Thank you, Batya, enjoy the holidays with your family and safe travels! 

Oh - because we’re trying to travel consistent with weather conditions we’ve now switched hotels almost daily and I’m the Packer and Unpacker lol.  It’s a first world problem I know but I pack for me and my son. Oh and our rental car broke down when we parked in the parking lot at the hotel near the Grand Canyon. Got another car 13 hours later after 2.5 hours on phone with rental car company lol. Yes thankful as it where we broke down plus no accident etc. I hope your travels are much more convenient!

[Jaunty]

I've been called out for harsh delivery before and probably have done it on this thread.  That's not my intention and if it has hurt, I apologize for that.

My general position, since you decided to go see him the last time, is supportive of whatever you want to do.   There's certainly nothing wrong with any actions that have been taken.  All part of living life.

But - I get a little alerted when your anxiety pattern kicks in, relating to your connection with this guy.   I feel like that is something very worth exploring, for YOU.  This guy and his characteristics etc are not important IMO.  He seems like a nice person, that's fine.  And of course he's not even here.

What I think is important is the way a person's mind can work against us and undermine our well being.   I've fought a lot of battles with myself relating to this type of thing, in different ways.  I'm now quite past most of it, being old, but I'm on guard and I feel like I recognize it quickly in myself and others as well.  

Unfortunately, talking about that appears to be a "no go" zone for you.  

Happy holidays, and I really mean it. 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, kim42 said:

I think there's a huge difference between giving constructive advice/different perspective and bullying and making assumptions - that's not helpful at all.

I agree and while I did see many assumptions being made, both negative and positive, including from myself at various times throughout, I did not see bullying.

Bullying is not allowed here and those posts should have been reported. .

I can understand however that you felt bullied, we all experience these comments in different ways. 

Assumptions are a given.  They are made all the time here, I invite you to read my recent thread!  😀

I was advised by moderation that when you feel assumptions and untruths are being made, to respond with more clarity/context correcting the assumption/untruth.

That's all we can do really. 

We give opinion and advice based on our own experiences and perceptions and with limited information, it is very easy to "get it wrong."

I was always a big supporter of your relationship, still am! 

At the end, I flipped a bit and began having doubts and will own that I was one of the posters who suspected he may possibly be lying about his employment because something just didn't feel right to me about it.

It was an opinion only based on what had been posted and my own experiences and I truly apologize if it or I offended you.

At the end of day, please remember we are all here trying to help no matter how it's delivered.

Anyway @kim42if YOU are happy, I am happy!  And if interacting with him the way you've been doing gives you joy and enhances your life even a little bit, then I say continue forward and be happy! 😀

 

 

 

[TacticalLinguine]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

Yes that assumption was made several pages ago. It's not that easy to find a job in our field so I don't find that strange.

I think there's a huge difference between giving constructive advice/different perspective and bullying and making assumptions - that's not helpful at all.

I don’t think it’s fair to accuse people of “bullying” simply because they have views you don’t want to hear.

[kim42]

19 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I don’t think it’s fair to accuse people of “bullying” simply because they have views you don’t want to hear.

Some people were unnecessary harsh and that's not helpful.

[kim42]

On 12/22/2023 at 5:24 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

I agree and while I did see many assumptions being made, both negative and positive, including from myself at various times throughout, I did not see bullying.

Bullying is not allowed here and those posts should have been reported. .

I can understand however that you felt bullied, we all experience these comments in different ways. 

Assumptions are a given.  They are made all the time here, I invite you to read my recent thread!  😀

I was advised by moderation that when you feel assumptions and untruths are being made, to respond with more clarity/context correcting the assumption/untruth.

That's all we can do really. 

We give opinion and advice based on our own experiences and perceptions and with limited information, it is very easy to "get it wrong."

I was always a big supporter of your relationship, still am! 

At the end, I flipped a bit and began having doubts and will own that I was one of the posters who suspected he may possibly be lying about his employment because something just didn't feel right to me about it.

It was an opinion only based on what had been posted and my own experiences and I truly apologize if it or I offended you.

At the end of day, please remember we are all here trying to help no matter how it's delivered.

Anyway @kim42if YOU are happy, I am happy!  And if interacting with him the way you've been doing gives you joy and enhances your life even a little bit, then I say continue forward and be happy! 😀

 

 

 

Thank you, @rainbowsandroses, I've decided to trust my instincts and stay in touch with him.

Happy holidays! 

[rainbowsandroses]

7 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Thank you, @rainbowsandroses, I've decided to trust my instincts and stay in touch with him.

Happy holidays! 

Thank you and same to you! 💛

[kim42]

A little update - we're still in touch, he's been reaching out more often than before.

Before the end of the year, I asked him how he was planning to celebrate new year, and he said was going to go to a small party at his friend's house, and he told me who would be at this party. I thought it was nice he shared the details with me, even if I didn't ask.

 

I was going to celebrate new year in another city with 2 friends, and this city is considered to be a cheap party place in Europe. We texted a little on December 31st, and he sent me a message later in the evening to ask how the celebrations were going.

 

At the same time, I've been trying to keep myself busy with other things.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, kim42 said:

A little update - we're still in touch, he's been reaching out more often than before.At the same time, I've been trying to keep myself busy with other things.

That's good news.  It's fine to stay in touch and catch up. Enjoy the new year!

[kim42]

Little Sunday update, mostly just to vent:

 

We've agreed that he will come to visit once he finds a job. Sadly he's still unemployed. He's been having lots of interviews but the job market is pretty competitive in this field. 

 

He's been reaching out more often than before, we talk several times a week now, he checks on me, and if I tell him that I'll have an important meeting at work, he'll text me on the day of the meeting to ask how it went. So the communication is much better now, we keep sharing updates with each other.

 

It's been 2 months since we saw each other, and sometimes I wonder how long it will take him to find a job.

 

I have a busy life right now so it's not that I think about this all the time but it's a little frustrating I guess.

 

[Batya33]

10 minutes ago, kim42 said:

Little Sunday update, mostly just to vent:

 

We've agreed that he will come to visit once he finds a job. Sadly he's still unemployed. He's been having lots of interviews but the job market is pretty competitive in this field. 

 

He's been reaching out more often than before, we talk several times a week now, he checks on me, and if I tell him that I'll have an important meeting at work, he'll text me on the day of the meeting to ask how it went. So the communication is much better now, we keep sharing updates with each other.

 

It's been 2 months since we saw each other, and sometimes I wonder how long it will take him to find a job.

 

I have a busy life right now so it's not that I think about this all the time but it's a little frustrating I guess.

 

Can he not afford to come see you or he has too many interviews scheduled to make a plan?

[kim42]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Can he not afford to come see you or he has too many interviews scheduled to make a plan?

Both, but mostly the first reason.

[Sindy_0311]

39 minutes ago, kim42 said:

I have a busy life right now so it's not that I think about this all the time but it's a little frustrating I guess.

Why don't you suggest go meet him? See how he reacts. this might help you decipher whether the money issue is a pretext. Aren't you afraid your budding connection will fade if you don't see each other again in a timely manner?  

[rainbowsandroses]

@kim42how far is the distance again?  A 3-hour train ride?  I forget. 

[kim42]

4 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@kim42how far is the distance again?  A 3-hour train ride?  I forget. 

The train itself is about 2 hours and 30 minutes. For him to get to the train station from where he lives is another hour, and then to get where I live it's about 40  minutes. 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, kim42 said:

The train itself is about 2 hours and 30 minutes. For him to get to the train station from where he lives is another hour, and then to get where I live it's about 40  minutes. 

Sounds like a PITA.  I'm inclined to think if he were truly interested, he'd make the effort, and charge the train fare to his CC, but I don't know. 

I am glad he's texting more but I've come to learn texting doesn't mean all that much but if you're happy with it, that's all that matters. 

I just hope he doesn't have another life, a girlfriend(s) locally and that he's being real with you and legit. 

Please be careful with your emotions Kim and hope he finds a job soon and you can spend some in-person time together. 

Keep us posted! 

[kim42]

38 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Why don't you suggest go meet him? See how he reacts. this might help you decipher whether the money issue is a pretext. Aren't you afraid your budding connection will fade if you don't see each other again in a timely manner?  

I don't know how to explain this so it makes sense but I'm not sure if I want to spend money and take days off at work when I don't know when he will be able to visit me. I mean, he could be looking for a job another 4 months (hopefully not).

 

I'm sure he'd be happy to meet if I suggest to meet in his city but I'm not sure if I want to invest in this, since he's not in a position to make plans right now.

 

And yes, I think it might fade if we don't see each other soon.

 

 

[Jaunty]

I don't understand why he doesn't take some kind of interim job to tide him over until something in his field that interests him becomes available.

You said you knew him from working on things together remotely.  What happened to the job he had at that time?