Stuck in a good relationship with no future (or present)...

[Almalexia]

I met her online. We are now 4 years together, in a long distance relationship and I see no future. I met her when i was in the university. My city is 1,5 hours away by car, not a big deal, of course, but still it is an issue.

The more time passes, the more clingy, needy and dreamy of living together, marriage and kids she becomes. Nothing bothers me from all that. This relationship is built very well. I never pressure her, get jealous, restrict her or anything. I trust her and she trust me. Sex is awesome too.

You see. This long distance thing is an issue. I never done it before and I really wished I never did. Long distance relationships sucks and my advice is to never do it. You keep distance for a reason and for a specific time, not like this. In every payment I keep money for diesel, for the trip, and every time I rent airbnbs so we could be alone. Plus, I pay for everything we get, food, coffee, entertainment as she is unemployed.

Beyond that, as I said, there are some other issues too. She is 31 and she has never worked in her life. Her parents are divorced, her father is a loser and her mother, 60yo, works to feed her unemployed daughter and brother. She didnt finish high school either.

It was just the last year when I really talk to her into getting back and finishing school. I even tried to find with her what she would like to learn and work on. She decided she wanted to become a nail technician, which I fully supported. I even found some free schools in her city where she can go and study it. Those ask for a high school degree, ofcourse. She now needs two years to finish the high school.

I created her a CV, put some silly lies in it, some fake work experience in some easy jobs so she can start looking. She never get calls though. She doesnt have any skills. So, no luck there too.

Its just 1,5 years since I finally "woke up". I felt really bad with my self, so I started working on myself. Since I graduated uni, finished my military service, started hitting the gym, learning a second foreign language, took a IT certificate, working in a factory, reading for bus and truck license, started reading lots of books, generally doing stuff to become better.

Not gonna lie, I wished I had a girl from hometown so I could grab her and take her for a walk, or chill together whenever we have time, everyday. Not waiting for the weekends or any other weekends and spend money which I wont really enjoy, you know

Under those conditions, she cant move to my city or me move to hers. The expenses will be huge. And to be honest, its not worth it. The relationship is great. But practically I dont see it working and I dont know what to do...

 

[Coily]

That's a rough spot to be in.

I guess the things you need to start doing is looking at what you want in a long term girlfriend. Does your GF have any way to contribute to a potential household? Her at 31 without the basics to get a low level job would bother me too.

It's great that you tried to help her, but that's not your job. Which is something to consider looking at the longer term of a relationship. What is her day to day life? Is that something you would be willing to support?

I am also guessing you are in Europe, so I can understand that moving isn't just as easy as it is for us Yanks.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Almalexia said:

The relationship is great

How is this great? You two might not fight, per se, but there are big problems. She does nothing to advance herself to the point that a fulfilling, mutually-satisying relationship is possible. You describe her as clingy and needy, and it's devolved into a parent-child dynamic with you writing up her CV and trying to get her a job. And if she's like this at 31, you can bet she isn't going to change much. 

None of that sounds great. It sounds like a draining situation and you're already checked out if you (understandably) see no future. 

Since you're already at this point, what you need to do is respectfully end it with her. This isn't the right match for you anymore.

[itsallgrand]

She's never worked at 31 yet she's talking marriage and moving in together.. what kind of joke is that?! You are telling me she couldn't Scrub a toilet, walk a dog, do ANYTHING? Sorry to me that would be a massive deal-breaker. I didn't even get past that. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Almalexia said:

 Sex is awesome too. She is 31 and she has never worked in her life. 

How often do you see each other? Unfortunately from your description, the only thing that's "great" is the sex. The rest of it seems like red flags. Set yourselves free and explain it's not working out.  There doesn't seem to be a point dragging this out any further.

[Batya33]

Long distance is not the issue.  The issue is the insurmountable distance between you two in all things that matter (my husband and I were long distance for a few years -hard!! -but worth it -so were my parents for 4 years in the 1950s).  Great sex is not enough to close the distance between you two.

[Almalexia]

37 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How often do you see each other? Unfortunately from your description, the only thing that's "great" is the sex. The rest of it seems like red flags. Set yourselves free and explain it's not working out.  There doesn't seem to be a point dragging this out any further.

To be honest, yes, at this point, sex is something that is keeping me with her. She is also my type of girl, the one I really like, which makes it harder. She knows that. 

I do love her, that's why I try every time, however I can, to help her and make some progress in her problems. I like that we are in an emotional relationship which we built very nicely. Dating again, trying to find that again, especially in my small town, that's rough.

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Long distance is not the issue.  The issue is the insurmountable distance between you two in all things that matter (my husband and I were long distance for a few years -hard!! -but worth it -so were my parents for 4 years in the 1950s).  Great sex is not enough to close the distance between you two.

But sex is not enough, that's true.

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

She's never worked at 31 yet she's talking marriage and moving in together.. what kind of joke is that?! You are telling me she couldn't Scrub a toilet, walk a dog, do ANYTHING? Sorry to me that would be a massive deal-breaker. I didn't even get past that. 

She can keep a house, walk a dog. Those stuff are easy and she even does them at her home. Generally, she plays video games all day, and that's it. But she can keep a home, that's not an issue.

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Almalexia said:

She is also my type of girl,

Meaning what? She is physically your type?

Because she doesn't appear to be your type in any other way that counts. She's lazy, immature, doesn't want to work, is clingy. 

What is your type, exactly? 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Meaning what? She is physically your type?

Because she doesn't appear to be your type in any other way that counts. She's lazy, immature, doesn't want to work, is clingy. 

What is your type, exactly? 

Also living in a small town is not an excuse.  I relocated 9 miles away when I was 28 to be right in the middle of, rather than right outside, a major city so I could improve my social life and increase my dating pool.  

Sounds like a lot of this is laziness on your part.  How is she even interesting to you if she basically sits around and plays video games -do you enjoy chatting about the latest manicure trends??

Also hopefully she did not take up your suggestion to lie on her resume.

[Almalexia]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Also living in a small town is not an excuse.  I relocated 9 miles away when I was 28 to be right in the middle of, rather than right outside, a major city so I could improve my social life and increase my dating pool.  

Sounds like a lot of this is laziness on your part.  How is she even interesting to you if she basically sits around and plays video games -do you enjoy chatting about the latest manicure trends??

Hahaha. Well, we talk mostly about my days, my experiences every day, so yeah, conversations are mostly from my part.

At this point, if I broke up, I wouldn't date immediately. I have plenty of stuff to do for myself and being in a relationship for 4 years, might need a break. But I am really proud of that relationship, from the emotional and communicational point. I don't know if I every achieve that again. But I may talk bull***, I don't know.

10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Meaning what? She is physically your type?

Because she doesn't appear to be your type in any other way that counts. She's lazy, immature, doesn't want to work, is clingy. 

What is your type, exactly? 

Physically for sure. She is beautiful. My type. But yeah, that's it at this point.

[MissCanuck]

15 minutes ago, Almalexia said:

But I am really proud of that relationship, from the emotional and communicational point. I don't know if I every achieve that again.

Meh, this is your fear speaking. But in practical terns, I think you will achieve even better. 

Why? Because you and your current girlfriend are obviously not on the same level about some significant things. There is a big emotional disconnect if you don't see a future with your own partner. Your goals and values don't line up well. When you meet the woman whose priorities and goals do match up well with yours, man, you are in for a real treat.

Then you will discover what it means to really achieve emotional intimacy. 

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Almalexia said:

Physically for sure. She is beautiful. My type. But yeah, that's it at this point.

Right now it's working fine. You talk, get together, have great sex and go home. You're not doing the heavy lifting of supporting her.

So it's sort of a fun limbo until she starts talking about closing the gap and you're stuck with everything instead of her family. 

[itsallgrand]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Right now it's working fine. You talk, get together, have great sex and go home. You're not doing the heavy lifting of supporting her.

So it's sort of a fun limbo until she starts talking about closing the gap and you're stuck with everything instead of her family. 

Yeah... this person is mooching off her 60 year old mother and you yet even that doesn't spur her to get off her ass.

There are plenty of hot women who aren't useless turds. I know that sounds harsh. But it's not nearly as harsh as mooching off a 60 year old woman when she is more than physically capable of being a big girl. 

Imagine if you got her pregnant...stuff of life ruining right there. 

[Cherylyn]

If there is no future,  there is no reason to be in a relationship with her.  Time to go your separate ways.

[moodindigo91]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

So it's sort of a fun limbo 

It doesn't even sound like a fun limbo tbh, it sounds draining for you mentally and financially. You seem unhappy. I wouldn't entertain marriage with her because she'll just go from mooching off her poor mother to mooching off you. If you divorce, she will be going after everything you've got. Seems like you should probably break it off and continue on your journey of self-discovery. Once you come fully into yourself (which I believe this relationship is preventing you from doing in part), you will attract a partner whose more on your level. 

[smackie9]

I know someone who never worked a day in her life, has 6 kids and is in her 30's, lived a sheltered life, never finished school. One day her man passed away suddenly. She ended up living in a tent with 6 kids for a month before she could get any help. She was penniless. She got a fulltime job, got her driver's license, received help from the government for daycare, etc. She learned how to stand on her own two feet. Your GF can get a flippin job and be a grown a$$ adult. 

Instead of giving her money, etc. Give her instruction and encouragement to do something with her life.