He couldn't have sex with me. Am I revolting??

[catfood]

Hello -

 

So I've posted a few times before about my boyfriend, most recently about how he hasn't wanted to have sex for a month or so.

 

Background: we've been together ten months, live separately, are in love, I got together with him just after leaving my husband of a year (v. short, ill-fated marriage and I didn't even know my boyfriend when my marriage ended). I'm 23, he's 32.

 

I know he's not cheating on me, we're almost inseparable. He's stressed b/c he's starting a new business, which may contribute. He's used to taking off for the summer and doing outdoorsy things, but his new business is tying him down. That also may be stressing him out.

 

But he hasn't wanted sex in a month or six weeks or something like that. I tried talking about it once before, and he got embarrassed/kind of angry and very defensive. So I dropped it and hoped it would resolve itself.

 

So last night we split a bottle of wine and I put the moves on. He stopped halfway through and said he couldn't do it. He said it seemed as though I was "faking" something, like I was putting on a show. I don't have the foggiest idea what he was talking about...we weren't doing anything unusual, and I certainly didn't think I was. Very normal, I wasn't being loud or saying or doing anything strange.

 

So after that, I was basically like, "Okay, what's going on?" He said he didn't know, that things weren't "fitting." I believe he still (after ten months) believes he is the "rebound guy." I left my ex, we are on good terms, and I haven't missed him or anything. I don't feel like I even needed a "rebound" since the divorce was initiated by me and has proved to be the best decision. But I still think my boyfriend is weirded out that he and I got together so soon after the break (approx. 1 month).

 

He claims that when I compliment him, I do not seem genuine, that I do too much for him, that my happiness is dependent on him, that I haven't shown him the "real" me.

 

I honestly don't get it...we have separate lives. Yes, we see each other almost every day, but it's initiated by him at least as much as me. And I've told him that we spend plenty of time together and that I'd be perfectly content seeing less of him, that I value quality time over the quantity of time.

 

I don't know...I know I'm bringing up a lot of issues but I'm just so confused. We were on the verge of breaking up last night, but finally he said that things weren't fitting, but that he loved me and wanted to try and fix it. Frankly, I'm not sure how things can be fixed if he can't/doesn't want to even have sex with me. And how in the hell can I prove to him that I am an independent person without actually breaking up with him??

 

I have no doubt that he loves me, and I love him. That's why this is so hard, we care about each other deeply and have never been cruel to each other. So why isn't it working?? What can I do, other than give him space??

[TheBecksterKid]

Firstly You have to find what is exactly wrong with him. You need to have a seriouse talk with him and find out what exactly is wrong. After doing so is when you can figuire out ways to resolve the problem. Negociate something with him, thats what good couples are supposed to do. Be open minded, reasonable. Listen to how he feels and show that you will be by his side on rough times and good times. If you truly love him I think you should remind him that you will always stand by his side and try to work things out as Long as he respects you by doing the same. He seems confused , maybe talk to him if he is unsure give him space for him to understand himself, but at the same time give him a stable ground to stand himself in. You can;t solve the problem without knowing what the exact problem is. Be patient, its up to him. All you can do is be a good gf and support him ( To a certain extent)

[smorgie]

when you had your talk with him, did he give you any ideas on how to solve this issue?

[catfood]

Nope, not at all. He said he didn't understand it...he just couldn't go through with it. Sex, that is. We ended our discussion (at 3 am) saying that we wanted to fix things and we loved each other. Then today he's acted as if nothing is wrong.

 

The only way I can think to "fix" the situation is to break up with him. Show him that I'm independent and responsible for my own happiness. Then maybe he'd come around. Of course, breaking up with someone to try and save a relationship seems counterintuitive. But I am just at a loss about what to do.

 

 

I'm so frustrated/confused!! Thanks for your help.

[smorgie]

 

He claims that when I compliment him, I do not seem genuine, that I do too much for him, that my happiness is dependent on him, that I haven't shown him the "real" me.

 

 

Do you feel that maybe you go overboard at all???

 

The only thing I can think of offhand is sometimes when I feel something is off with my bf, i end up being overly nice, overly complimentary, because i want to make everything better and smooth everything over. Its more of a subconscious thing, but my bf starts claiming that i'm acting fake and being TOO much of a good thing. Honestly its true, and i'm not acting myself, but its like i can't help myself, cause i want to make everything better, and in a way i guess my happiness would be dependent on him that way too....

 

Which might make sense, cause its not the whole "with or without you" but more of a ...if he's not happy, then i'm not happy either. Maybe thats what he meant? Maybe it doesn't have to do with you being happy on your own etc.

 

I don't know, what do you think???

[catfood]

Yes, thank you, that does make sense. I've noticed that he gets super ticked off when, for example, he gets mad or frustrated at something (something stupid, like traffic) and I clam up and get in a bad mood too. He doesn't understand why I do that. It's just tough being around someone in a horrible mood and not have it rub off.

 

Maybe that's what he means about my happiness depending on him.

 

I don't know. I don't know where to go from here, or if it's too late.

[melrich]

No question stress can be a MAJOR inhibitor of sex drive. However 6 weeks of no sex and at that age is probably an indicator that something else is going on here.

 

You are entitled to feel unsatisfied and that the relationship is unfulfilled. I don't know that I would go with the breakup idea but I think you should tell him that sex in a relationship is important to you and that you cannot see a long term future if things continue as they are.

 

I'd have to say though that no sex after only 10 months and at a relatively young age is not a great indicator for the future of your relationship.

[heloladies21]

Either he's losing interest in you or there's someone else he's interested in. Most likely there's someone else. Get to the bottom of this and don't sweep it under the rug. This problem will not solve itself.

[smallworld]

He sounds like he may be under a lot of stress and it's taking a toll on him both emotionally and sexually. Is he a perfectionist or OCD by any chance? In times of extreme self-doubt, I know I have a tendency to become obsessive about the need to fix whatever isn't "perfect" about my life. The problem is the obsessions usually don't stop there. If I can't fix whatever is causing the stress, I feel the urge to tear apart and start over all aspects of my life. So for instance a college paper that wasn't going well would turn into a questioning of my major, university choice, and relationships (even though nothing was wrong with any of them.)

 

I'll always have those tendencies, but now that I'm a little older and wiser I understand myself enough to know that I have those urges to 'tear my life apart' because deep down I believe I'm not good enough 'as is' and don't believe I deserve what good things I do have. The pursuit of 'perfection' is my obsessive attempt to try to be worthy of my life.

 

Perhaps there's nothing wrong with your relationship and your boyfriend is the same way. If so, he picks apart your relationship (accuses you of being 'fake') and doesn't want sex (another demand in his life) when he's really just frustrated with how the new biz is going.

 

For now there isn't much else you can do, but take care of yourself and let him know that if he wants to talk you'll be there for him. The let him go and live your own life for awhile. Why don't you bring up the aforementioned and see what he says?

[newts]

I would be rather concerned if my partner of only 10mths hadn't had sex or initated sex for 4-6 weeks. Yes, stress is a contributer, however, 4-6 weeks usual means there is another problem or yes as horrible as it is another person. You are very young and he is 9 years your senior. Maybe you should slow the relationship down, see him a couple of times a week until he can get in control of his emotions.

 

You have been in one loveless failed marriage, don't repeat the same mistakes so soon. You are young and you have so much life to live. Live it, experience it, don't let the actions of others bring you down.

[PB]

Sometimes folks just have different time schedules for sexual activity.

 

When one person wants it more often than the other it can be stressful for both. He may be feeling a sort of performance anxiety because you are displaying the "I need it bad" demeanor and he knows he's not feeling the same level of arousal.

 

Maybe he would like to do a little of the seducing without feeling like he just needs to perform for you.

[Mikhail_Scosyrev]

As far as not wanting to have sex, there are at least two possibilities:

 

1. Is that he is emotionally resentful and can't open himself to be intimate, holding some wronged feeling, etc. So, basically, emotional barrier.

 

2. Physical. Men's peak in sex drive is about 25 yrs old. Maybe his sex drive is low and he doesn't want it physically. Maybe there is some problem with potence, that could be diagnosed by a professional.

 

 

Good luck.