Does he still love me?

[Ivron]

Me and my ex split over 6 weeks ago. We have 2 children and spent 13 years together.

he left because he wasn’t happy - and I later found out he’d slept with someone else.

lots has been said and done in the meantime on both parts which haven’t been nice.

ive reached out a few times - just to talk and he’s always been willing but when I ask him to come back he says no he can’t see himself being happy again.

I found out he was still ringing the girl he slept with so I said I’m done and if I don’t hear from him then I’ll take it there’s no way of us getting back together. 
 

I didn’t hear from him.. but he was upset on the call to our son and I spoke to him.. calmed him down etc.  we got to texting again and I asked him if he’d like to meet for a coffee and he agreed. 
 

what does this mean? I’m really confused. I know he’s told me no in past - but he knows how I feel.. so why would he agree? Does he want to come back eventually or is he just being polite? I told him he can say no if he wants but he said no he wants to come.. but I feel a bit confused.

[NighttimeNightmare]

I’m a big fan of encouraging people in this situation, with these sorts of questions, to read (or better yet get the audiobook) “leave a cheater, gain a life”

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Ivron said:

 he left because he wasn’t happy - and I later found out he’d slept with someone else. but he was upset on the call to our son and I spoke to him.. 

Sorry this happened. It all seems very fresh and raw. Please focus on coparenting at this time. Try not to ask for reconciliation. Let him bring it up, but reflect and reconsider if you want to salvage this.

[MissCanuck]

46 minutes ago, Ivron said:

we got to texting again and I asked him if he’d like to meet for a coffee and he agreed. 
 

what does this mean?

Maybe things are cooling off with his new love interest so he's accepted your invitation. Or maybe he's trying to see this as a peace-offering of sorts, that you two can meet and be civil.

Look, it won't be what you want to hear, but you need some space to yourself to process what exactly has happened here. It sounds as though you've been in some denial about the break-up and him leaving, so be very careful not to see this as a sign of reconciliation. You have nowhere near enough indication yet that he wants that (or even if he does)

Meeting for coffee right now is just not a good idea. 

[boltnrun]

If he's talked to an attorney he was probably advised it would be "cheaper to keep her" or that he should be nice to you in case you ask for child support, spousal support, some of his retirement account, etc. 

[shouldhavelearned]

Be extremely careful

Avoid the get back together talk

He's trying to have both available

 

[Ivron]

55 minutes ago, Ivron said:

Me and my ex split over 6 weeks ago. We have 2 children and spent 13 years together.

he left because he wasn’t happy - and I later found out he’d slept with someone else.

lots has been said and done in the meantime on both parts which haven’t been nice.

ive reached out a few times - just to talk and he’s always been willing but when I ask him to come back he says no he can’t see himself being happy again.

I found out he was still ringing the girl he slept with so I said I’m done and if I don’t hear from him then I’ll take it there’s no way of us getting back together. 
 

I didn’t hear from him.. but he was upset on the call to our son and I spoke to him.. calmed him down etc.  we got to texting again and I asked him if he’d like to meet for a coffee and he agreed. 
 

what does this mean? I’m really confused. I know he’s told me no in past - but he knows how I feel.. so why would he agree? Does he want to come back eventually or is he just being polite? I told him he can say no if he wants but he said no he wants to come.. but I feel a bit confused.

Edit - I should add we have slept together number of times since the break up - and he’s come to the house for takeaways and to watch tv together.. 

[MissCanuck]

Just now, Ivron said:

I should add we have slept together number of times since the break up - and he’s come to the house for takeaways and to watch tv together.. 

Oh, honey, no. 

Why are you doing this to yourself? 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, Ivron said:

Edit - I should add we have slept together number of times since the break up - and he’s come to the house for takeaways and to watch tv together.. 

So he's sleeping with you and the woman he cheated with?

Giving him sex won't motivate him to come back. Quite the reverse. He will see you don't respect yourself so he doesn't need to respect you.

I am puzzled why you'd bother to invite him to coffee when you are already giving him sex with no relationship or commitment. That seems backward.

[Ivron]

Just now, boltnrun said:

So he's sleeping with you and the woman he cheated with?

Giving him sex won't motivate him to come back. Quite the reverse. He will see you don't respect yourself so he doesn't need to respect you.

I am puzzled why you'd bother to invite him to coffee when you are already giving him sex with no relationship or commitment. That seems backward.

We haven’t slept together for over 2 weeks - and he’s not sleeping with the other woman.. he didn’t speak to her anymore.. because it’s caused a lot of problems for him at his workplace too. 

 

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, Ivron said:

he didn’t speak to her anymore.. because it’s caused a lot of problems for him at his workplace too.

So he's had an affair with his coworker? Is that it? 

[Ivron]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

So he's had an affair with his coworker? Is that it? 

Yes he slept with her once. They were texting for a couple weeks.. then he left and said he wasn’t happy. He continued speaking with her - it’s become complicated.. someone was messaging  me every time they text or spoke or whatever - for weeks.. and I was telling him and we have since found out it was her all along. Asking him to ring her and then when he did - she was sending me screenshots of him ringing her. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Ivron said:

 - she was sending me screenshots of him ringing her. 

Sounds like a woman scorned. Your partner needs to watch his step to avoid a sexual harassment situation. In the meantime delete and block her and don't answer unknown calls. Your partner cheated and needs to clean up the mess. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Ivron said:

someone was messaging  me every time they text or spoke or whatever

Who would have that information about them? 

2 minutes ago, Ivron said:

she was sending me screenshots of him ringing her.

The woman he cheated with sent you screenshots?

Sorry for the questions, it's just rather unclear what exactly was happening and who was involved. In any event, him cheating on you and then actually leaving (I assume for her) is a gigantic slap in the face to your and your children. Please be careful before trying to rekindle this or you are likely to get very hurt all over again. 

Where is he staying now? 

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, Ivron said:

We haven’t slept together for over 2 weeks - and he’s not sleeping with the other woman.. he didn’t speak to her anymore.. because it’s caused a lot of problems for him at his workplace too. 

 

So he says.

Please don't take the word of the lying cheater. Of course he's not going to admit having sex with her. 

He not only cheated on you and his family but also risked his job? This is a guy who obviously is thinking with his, um, man parts. I wouldn't want someone like that as a love partner. 

You two can still co-parent but don't expect things to go back to the way they were before he decided to abandon his family. And please stop giving him free sex!

[Cherylyn]

I doubt it and I would lean towards saying,  "No, he doesn't still love you."   A man who truly loves you would've proved it with his track record and obviously,  he has not.  ☹️

[SooSad33]

On 8/20/2023 at 2:51 PM, Ivron said:

I should add we have slept together number of times since the break up - and he’s come to the house for takeaways and to watch tv together.. 

Yeah, I'd say he is 'using you .. to get over you '. And it's not right.

I know your judgement is VERY clouded at this time. As mentioned, you're in denial . ( Part of the Grieving cycle) 😞 

I am very sorry to hear of your BU . It will take time to work through your emotions, so be easy on yourself.

Now, your focus should be more on your kids ❤️ .  They need you!  They need both parents to still keep them at top priority, especially during this time of transition, as dad has moved out?

As for you and your ex, YOU need to step back and look at the whole picture eventually.... as I mentioned, at this time you are in denial.

BUT, the facts are right there. 1)  He admitted he is not happy anymore and 2). He's already been involved with someone else.

I feel he has been mentally prepping himself for a good while now ( one step out the door) and yes, is common the dumpee sits in shock 😕 . While the dumper knew very well what they were doing.

One thing I will say is do NOT chase for his attention or beg!  You'll end up regretting this sort of behaviour later, down the road.  This is where some respect is needed. For him and yourself.

Sadly, no, we cannot 'make' someone love us. If he's this messed up (confused), admits he's unhappy and has messed around, yeah, he's created one big mess! 😕  

Believe me, you do not want someone with such a mindset in your life. So, you say okay and just back off, totally.  You ask for nothing more and you expect nothing more.

IMO, he's agreeing to meet up with you possibly because of 'guilt'.  He may feel he owes you this much.  BUT, as I said, the facts are present. And BIG chance any thought of trying to work things out in time or getting back together will not work for you.

IF a couple wants to try & work things out, whatever caused this break up needs to be fixed. And you are far from that at this time. 

So, YOU need to be stronger than this.  Stop giving into him.  He deserves NOTHING from you anymore.  I know how hard it is to not give in, as he is your weakness!  But, sex is not the answer.  Sex is always the easy part . And as I said, he's using you to get over you right now.. like a 'slow weaning process'.. So, YOU need to learn self respect now.

Remember, he's been with someone else already AND admitted he is not happy 😕 .

I'm sure, soon enough you WILL see things clearer and come to your senses.  Giving him sex will NOT bring him closer to you again. - remember that.  

Honestly, if I were you, I'd show up for a coffee and divorce papers in hand!  He's cheated on you and he wants out.  Give him the out! 

And start focusing on what you should be,, yourself & your kids ❤️ . And also, you'll realize in time, you won't want him back! -- as you work thru your emotions of it all.

 

[smackie9]

How would you actually know how many times he's slept with her? People lie hun. He's lying to you. He's coming around to keep you from getting a lawyer, custody, and child support. Just take him to the cleaners and see how happy he gets.