No dating experience, but I do have a major insecurity I need help getting over.

[PurpleCornMiss]

I started being homeschooled at 12. Since then, my very controlling parents effectively stamped out any dating and sex life of mine. I moved out at 25; now I'm 26. Over the past year, I've stabilized my life and worked through SO many messed-up beliefs/insecurities from my infantalized upbringing. There's still one left, though.

I have this running fantasy/insecure desire that people underestimate me, think I'm just the sweet, shy one, until BAM! I show them I'm actually very sexual, very mature, and then, all the men want me.

It's that specific transition: assumed innocence and shocked with sexual prowess. I think a lot of it has to do with me being short and baby-faced, but otherwise, I don't know why I want it to play out like this.

I'm a singer, so usually the fantasy plays out with me giving some Beyonce-esque performance that no one expects from me. Or if it's not some concrete, one-time experience that occurs, I want it to be a general realization that eventually happens to people.

Might not be a surprise I'm still a virgin––and after getting my career in order and making friends again after a long time––so, sex and dating is probably next up for me.

It's a silly fantasy assauging some undefinable insecurity of mine, but I know it's unhealthy, though, and I don't want to carry it into my real life experiences. How do I get over this?

TL;DR Inexperienced 26F who has running fantasy of impressing people with her sexuality. I think it could ruin my future relationships. How do I get over it?

[Wiseman2]

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses, broaden your social horizons. Make friends and start talking to men.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

Before you can awaken any sexual fantasies, you'll have to first start getting comfortable talking to, meeting and dating men.

[Batya33]

What Wiseman said and also get over yourself.  Ask yourself why you want to date - if it's to be center of attention and "impress" and "entertain" people that's inconsistent with dating -dating is really about wanting to get to know another person and partly to see if there is a romantic attraction -it's not self-absorbed - you also of course want to feel cared for and respected and have fun - but if you're not focused on getting to know the person -letting them be themselves around you and comfortable in their own skin - what's the point?

People who want to be impressed and entertained by sexual prowess go to venues where that is typical -a burlesque show, a concert, some theater, movies, etc.  Perhaps take up acting/performing as an outlet so you don't burden people with your need to be the constant entertainer -that is fun for awhile and then gets old really fast for most typical people who date.

Also if your focus is on men wanting you sexually - then casual sex arrangements -if they're safe for you health-wise -may be better than dating. 

And  your focus should be on reminding yourself -this is not because you're short/baby faced/come across shy -this is because you're choosing to react to your perceptions by acting in a way that's socially inappropriate in typical dating situations -typically -I mean lots of people enjoy role play in the bedroom etc - I mean you don't get to know people as individuals with your approach - you might get sexual attention from men but they're going to realize you're all about you and all about sex -not about getting to know them as individual people. 

[Jibralta]

On 7/21/2023 at 12:09 AM, PurpleCornMiss said:

Inexperienced 26F who has running fantasy of impressing people with her sexuality. I think it could ruin my future relationships.

What specifically makes you think this could ruin or endanger your future relationships?

[lovergal]

I dont get it. How does this ruin your relationships?

People think your innocent and then find out that your not?

Unless you're acting overly-innocent - its not your issue. People can make their own judgements and assumptions. Just be yourself. BUT if you are putting on an act and think its some sort of performance - then that's somethng you need to work on.