How do I (F25) deal with my pessimistic partner (M25) who is always upset?

[AlexaRose]

I debated for years on seeking out advice from those that have been in similar situations and after years of my relationship getting worse I have finally decided to post. I’m not sure how to put it into words in one post so feel free to ask further questions. Some information about us..both 25 with pretty traumatic childhoods in different ways. We have been together almost 9 years. We moved to San Antonio a year and a half ago..love the area but no friends and family here. To put it lightly my fiancé is a pessimist and gets upset over the most random things constantly. He was not like this when we met and I occasionally still see the side I fell in love with but it can flip in an instant. We do have high stress right now but even during lower stress times he acts the same. I work full time, go to school full time, and we are currently renovating our home we just bought. He seems to forget how much I do and constantly complains he is stressed and I’m pain. Like buying the house he never spoke to an agent or did anything..just signed..and doesn’t realize the stress I went through to do all of it. He is in the renovation industry and wanted to do it but now complains about every step of the process. I can’t do much physically in that aspect but he is a perfectionist and doesn’t want me to help much regardless. I also have to do the back end like hiring specialists in some areas, ordering, etc on top of my other work/school responsibilities. He works overtime every week but has never been in college himself to understand. It’s constant negative comments about us making no progress and other snarky remarks. I’m just happy to be here and grateful to have bought a home at this age. Another problem we have is him constantly mad over simple things. For example, I was working on a stain on a blanket yesterday. I got sidetracked and this morning woke up to him with an angry look on his face staring at nothing. I have anxiety, depression, and adhd so I get sidetracked a lot since my therapist said we will focus on treating the anxiety first and ADHD meds don’t get along with me great. When I wake up to him like that I instantly send myself into a panic and it ruins my day by making me jittery. I asked him what was wrong and he muttered something about how the washer smells like sh*t. Then he walks around huffing and puffing instead of nicely working together to fix it. He even gets mad if HE were to kick the pets water bowl because I put it there. He will just huff and puff a lot instead of communicating and I’m nervous to even try to understand why. Sometimes he will even be crabby like this for days and suddenly say something happened with his dad drinking again he heard about..my mom is also an alcoholic so I get it but he can’t take it out on me. I am somebody always smiling yet I can be blunt and sarcastic. I’m just feeling like I can’t do right by him. I have mentioned possibly taking time to work on ourselves but he suddenly wants to get therapy then and never does. I love him and he is a great hardworking man but the constant walking on eggshells and being scared/nervous (emotionally of course-he has never come close to physically harming me but does occasionally lose it and slam some doors) to mess up can’t last forever..I already have terrible anxiety and it is making my mental health worse. There is a million other aspects of our relationship I could cover, but I think this post is long enough lol.

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, AlexaRose said:

. We have been together almost 9 years. We moved to San Antonio a year and a half ago..love the area but no friends and family here. . He was not like this when we met and I occasionally still see the side I fell in love with but it can flip in an instant. 

Sorry this is happening. How long has he been like this? Who's idea was it to move there and buy a house and why? Do either of you feel isolated or homesick? 

Are you getting overinvested and overinvested in this house project? 

Do you have any downtime or fun? 

[Cherylyn]

How about occasionally taking a break from the demands of life?  Squeeze in time for walks,  picnics,  outings or something enjoyable as opposed to being stuck in a rut?  Perhaps you need to change up the frenetic pace of work,  school,  home improvement,  repeat. 

It sounds like your partner needs anger management because he lacks self control and empathy.  He needs to actually go to therapy otherwise your relationship with him won't survive at this rate.

[Batya33]

I agree he needs individual therapy. How is his physical health? Does he exercise enough, sleep enough, drink enough water, avoid too much caffeine/alcohol? Also - I say this respectfully -what was the purpose of spending all that time on a stain on a blanket? Do you find that cleaning in that way lets you "escape" from the eggshells feeling?

[Jaunty]

I'm definitely wanting to know why you decided to move to San Antonio and buy a house together. 

[catfeeder]

7 hours ago, AlexaRose said:

I have mentioned possibly taking time to work on ourselves but he suddenly wants to get therapy then and never does.

Consider capitalizing on this ^^^ to volunteer for couples counseling so that YOU can make the appointment and get both of you in there. Use the selling point that since you are both invested in your property, you want to learn how to become a better partner for him.

If possible, offer him a list of some providers (on your plan or in your area) so that he can feel in control and assured that you aren't trying to hire someone in particular to gang up on him with you. (Paranoia tends to run hand in hand with rage.)

However, don't allow him to delay the momentum by failing to select. Tell him that you're willing to use whoever he picks, but given your shared stress levels, you want him to answer you by x day of the week. Otherwise, you'll roll a die in front of him and appoint with the provider who matches the number that comes up.

Getting him into couples work can open the door for obtaining a referral from the counselor to an individual therapist for partner. That's one step closer to him getting help, even while it holds him accountable to not just you, but the counselor.

Meanwhile, you can use the sessions to better communicate with partner, especially how you feel about walking on eggshells around him. You're also sympathetic to the fact that these rages can't possibly make him happy, either.