Very confused

[bluecastle]

Please don't reach out, or "call her out."

You saw her once in your life, a month ago. You guys have not spoken in weeks. I understand the sting, I do, and my own ego has a habit of flaring up. Key is to just stand it down. Go for a run, hang with a friend, swipe the apps, pursue a hobby, have a beer....really any of the above than trying to making yourself feel a little better by disciplining a stranger, which is what "calling her out" likely boils down to if you're brutally honest with yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

 Part of me wants to just let it go but another part of me wants to kind of call her out a bit. 

Please stop messaging her. It's really not worth your while. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, MikeB12 said:

if nothing else would maybe get this off my chest a bit and least kind of put it in her head a bit that she's kind of in the wrong.

Don't embarrass yourself like this. 

She doesn't care enough to think twice that she's been rude for ignoring you. Your message isn't going to do anything but give you something to cringe about later. 

Let it go, man. 

[MikeB12]

@MissCanuck. Thank you. I'm sure I won't but it's tempting. It's just insanely frustrating. SHE broke plans second date (which is totally fine, I know she was swamped with work), SHE suggested tentative plans for a makeup second date. I followed up, no response. I asked how her weekend (last weekend) was going, no response. And now I haven't heard from her for 2 weeks. AND she told me she was interested, so when I am also interested and a girl tells me that, I take her at her word. The lack of common courtesy these days is astounding 

[Sindy_0311]

12 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

The lack of common courtesy these days is astounding 

Yeah it is unfortunately LOL. you’d better get used to it… 

12 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

, I take her at her word. T

In dating you should never take someone at their word. Look for actions instead. Her lack of spoke for her… 

[bluecastle]

Buddy, buddy...

I know this is frustrating, but the way you're grabbing onto it is a touch concerning. What's going on in your life these days, in the big picture? Work going well? Happy where you live? Any recent heartache in the rearview mirror? This woman aside, anything you've been frustrated with? 

Remove your own hopes from all of this, and a different picture emerges: You had one date, after which she went cold. Rather than react to that chill you sent her a gift, which, let's be honest, was likely sent in hopes of turning cold to warm. Whether she was genuinely warm for a few seconds, or felt a bit guilty, she canceled a second date and went cold again. Tundra cold. 

These are not subtle hints. And while it may not be your definition of courtesy, to others it would all add up to a gentle "You're great, but no," saving two people who don't know each other and have next to zero history the weirdness of trying to explain something that doesn't merit much of an explanation.

Something to ask yourself: Why are you more interested her, after a month of being blown off, rather than less? The answer, I don't think, will really have anything to do with her.  

 

[Kwothe28]

23 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

It's just insanely frustrating. SHE broke plans second date (which is totally fine, I know she was swamped with work), SHE suggested tentative plans for a makeup second date. I followed up, no response. I asked how her weekend (last weekend) was going, no response. And now I haven't heard from her for 2 weeks.

Well yes, that is dating in a nutshell. Frustrating until you find somebody that is right for you. 

You want at least some closure and that is fine. Thing is you will rarely get that today. In older times she would have to see you or call you or write a letter or something to say how she doesnt want to date you. Today its an easy as just ghosting you and not answering your message. So many people opt just that. Perhaps they dont enjoy confrontation or its easier to them. So they opt for just not answering.

I would look at it from another angle. You could have lost way more time on dating somebody who is really not that interested in you nore has a common curtesy to tell you that. But would rather promise you something they would never really do. So its not really a big deal that she just doesnt want to answer. Because in overall order of things, you dont really need somebody like that and now you are free to find somebody way better.

[Sindy_0311]

I totally agree. There might be some deeper issue. Also need to ask whether it really is about that woman or is it the fantasy you build around her… do you stalk her social media? Like checking when she was online for the last time etc… because this kind of obsession you build around someone you don’t even really know often is a symptom of attachment injuries… 

[rainbowsandroses]

On 6/24/2023 at 6:59 AM, MikeB12 said:

.. we didn't talk much over the next week or so after we had met. I ended up sending her a gift card (for her belated birthday) to an establishment she goes to often. This prompted a reply to which she seemed super appreciative and even apologized for not responding to me (we didn't talk for like a week or so). She wasn't sure if I was interested but this gift card confirmed that I was. She said she was interested also and wanted to hang out again so seemed like it was a misunderstanding on both ends but she said she wanted to hang

Based on quoted above and specifically the bolded, here's my take fwiw. 

She didn't think you were interested and still might think you're not interested because, in HER entitled eyes, you aren't chasing her hard enough. 

I mean think about it, it took you buying her a gift card for her to think you were interested?  That speaks volumes and not in a good way. 

You haven't done anything wrong but I know women like her, they expect men to chase hard, even when they (the men) aren't receiving much in return. 

Because you refused to play that game, she may have it in her head you're not that interested and decided to move on.

Imo you dodged a bullet with this one.  

As I said, I do know women who think this way. 

[MrMan1983]

20 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Yeah it is unfortunately LOL. you’d better get used to it… 

35 minutes ago, MikeB12 said:

This. The more modern day dates you have the more you’ll come across this poor behaviour. It’s unfortunate and happens when you least expect it quite often. Calling them out won’t make much difference either, chances are she won’t reply yet again which may make you feel even worse/more frustrated. 

[MrMan1983]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

She didn't think you were interested and still might think you're not interested because, in HER entitled eyes, you aren't chasing her hard enough. 

I mean think about, it took you buying her a gift card for her to think you were interested?  That speaks volumes and not in a good way. 

To be honest I read it a bit differently and that she probably felt she had to give him some kind of contact after he sent her a gift plus she had to make an excuse at the same time as to why she hadn’t been in touch.
 

He’s double text by now too and tried to make plans so she’ll very likely be aware that he’s interested. That’s just my take though, who knows. 

[Sindy_0311]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Based on quoted above and specifically the bolded, here's my take fwiw. 

She didn't think you were interested and still might think you're not interested because, in HER entitled eyes, you aren't chasing her hard enough. 

I mean think about it, it took you buying her a gift card for her to think you were interested?  That speaks volumes and not in a good way. 

You haven't done anything wrong but I know women like her, they expect men to chase hard, even when they (the men) aren't receiving much in return. 

Because you refused to play that game, she may have it in her head you're not that interested and decided to move on.

Imo you dodged a bullet with this one.  

As I said, I do know women who think this way. 

He sent he a card after only one date, she cancelled second date, he asked whether she was free to hangout and she never replied… she didn’t even reply to his last text asking how she was doing… who is this lady to be chased like that? Beyoncé?

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

6 minutes ago, MrMan1983 said:

To be honest I read it a bit differently and that she probably felt she had to give him some kind of contact after he sent her a gift plus she had to make an excuse at the same time as to why she hadn’t been in touch.

You may be right.  However, imo if there were no interest but she wanted to be polite, all she needed to say was "thank you for the gift card, it was very thoughtful."

Instead of launching into an enthusiastic display of high interest telling him she didn't think HE was interested but the gift card confirmed he was and that yes she's interested too!

A bit over the top and NOT necessarily had she had little to no interest but wanted to be polite.

But you're right, who knows!  I may be basing it on the few women I know who are all into men giving them gifts and chasing them hard and attaching all sorts of meaning to it.  

When men don't meet their high expectations in this regard, it's a next.

But again, who knows.  It's all speculation.

Bottom line OP is, best to let it roll off and try to not get to rattled by it. 

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He sent he a card after only one date, she cancelled second date, he asked whether she was free to hangout and she never replied… she didn’t even reply to his last text asking how she was doing… who is this lady to be chased like that? Beyoncé?

Fair points!   🙂

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MikeB12 said:

@MissCanuck. Thank you. I'm sure I won't but it's tempting. It's just insanely frustrating. SHE broke plans second date (which is totally fine, I know she was swamped with work), SHE suggested tentative plans for a makeup second date. I followed up, no response. I asked how her weekend (last weekend) was going, no response. And now I haven't heard from her for 2 weeks. AND she told me she was interested, so when I am also interested and a girl tells me that, I take her at her word. The lack of common courtesy these days is astounding 

It's not just "these days".  I dated from 1978-2005.  There always were flaky types/last minute no shows, etc.  It's much easier to focus on those types than all the polite, reliable people there are -focus on them.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

She didn't think you were interested and still might think you're not interested because, in HER entitled eyes, you aren't chasing her hard enough. 

I don't agree. 

She went cold after their date. He sent a gift. She sort of reciprocated, then went cold again. He has reached out several times and she has completely ignored him. 

This is not a woman who wants to be chased, but for OP to take the hint and stop contacting her. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, MikeB12 said:

@MissCanuck.   I haven't heard from her for 2 weeks. AND she told me she was interested, 

It seems it went sideways when you sent her a gift card for her birthday after the first date.

Not that this wasn't a nice gesture, just that blowing you off after that makes this sting more than the usual ghosting and one and done situations.

While it did prompt a response and thanks, unfortunately it may have obscured her lack of interest by prompting a reply.