Should I breakup or give my girlfriend a second chance?

[maxwellsmart]

I’m facing a difficult situation in my relationship and need advice on whether this issue should be considered a dealbreaker.

Here are the key points:

• My girlfriend (24f) and I (30m) have been living in Minnesota away from home for her schooling for 2 years.
• We discussed the possibility of moving to a new state that aligns with our lifestyle and overall wants/needs (Texas). Another options is going back to our home state so that we are closer to friends and family (Michigan).
• We must make this decision in two months so she can start applying to jobs after school.
• I stumbled upon the fact that my girlfriend has been telling her family she’s leaning towards Michigan, while letting them know I am more deadest on Texas. She did this without my knowledge and was still being supportive about the move to Texas.
• She told her mom that I am going to break up with her because I am going to Texas and she wants to go to Michigan. Her mom responded "I liked him but will support you". She is already creating a hypothetical break up for her and family involved because she isn't communicating with me.
• When confronted, my girlfriend admitted she might have moved to Michigan without telling me if I hadn’t found out.
• She claimed she did this because she was scared...

We have been together for almost 3 years. I basically feel like she went behind my back on a mutual decision.

Here’s my question:

Given the lack of honest communication from my girlfriend about a major life decision, should I consider this a dealbreaker in our relationship? What are the factors to weigh in making this decision?

Thank you for your input.

[bluecastle]

I don't totally understand the specifics here. How, for example, did you stumble upon all this? And how could your girlfriend have up and moved to Michigan "without telling" you? If her choice was ultimately Michigan, and yours was Texas, I'd imagine you two would have crossed that road through more conversation, no? 

All in all, it sounds like you and your girlfriend have been discussing Michigan vs Texas, and that your girlfriend discussed this with her family. That strikes me as pretty normal, as people often talk to those close to them about big decisions. Were you surprised to learn that she was leaning more toward Michigan?

Anyhow, I guess I'm just struggling to see where she wasn't honest with you. 

 

[maxwellsmart]

To provide more context:

Essentially, she was telling her family that she is going to Michigan while telling me that she is interested in Texas. She never communicated that to me whatsoever and when I asked her if I didn't find out about this if she would have gone to Michigan and left me in Texas she said maybe.

 

How, for example, did you stumble upon all this? And how could your girlfriend have up and moved to Michigan "without telling" you? If her choice was ultimately Michigan, and yours was Texas, I'd imagine you two would have crossed that road through more conversation, no?

We talked about Texas and Michigan and I mentioned that either are ultimately a good choice. She then told me that she told her mom that I was going to break up with her no matter what since I want to go to Texas.

 

All in all, it sounds like you and your girlfriend have been discussing Michigan vs Texas, and that your girlfriend discussed this with her family. That strikes me as pretty normal, as people often talk to those close to them about big decisions. Were you surprised to learn that she was leaning more toward Michigan?

What she told her family about going back to Michigan isn't what she told me. She keeps entertaining the idea of Texas and wanting to go there even though she already decided on Michigan. Basically, if I never found out she would have left me in Texas.

[kehratha]

Well, it depends. 

Maybe she thinks that Texas is your final choice and you will say no to Michigan, no matter what.

Maybe she entertains the Texas idea only for your sake, not because she really wants it.

I don't see it as a dealbreaker, I see it like as a lack of communication between you two.

 

 

 

[bluecastle]

I think I understand better, though I'm still confused as to how you learned all this. Reading her email, texts? 

Anyhow, it sounds like you two have a communication issue here, and I'd encourage you to see it like that, rather than some fault of hers, or betrayal.

For whatever reason—and only you know how reasonable this is—she is operating from the belief that, deep down, you are dead set on Texas. Is there any truth to that, or any reason you could see why she'd think that? 

She, meanwhile, wants to be in Michigan. Does that feel totally off base to you? A complete shock, or something you've guessed? 

Big picture: it seems like you guys are at the sort of tough juncture faced by many, where your individual desires are clashing, and you're both kind of wondering how to be happy together and happy on your life journeys. And however this has all come about, you have learned something important: she wants Michigan. How does that settle with you? Can you put Texas off indefinitely? 

[maxwellsmart]

6 minutes ago, kehratha said:

Well, it depends. 

Maybe she thinks that Texas is your final choice and you will say no to Michigan, no matter what.

Maybe she entertains the Texas idea only for your sake, not because she really wants it.

I don't see it as a dealbreaker, I see it like as a lack of communication between you two.

 

 

 

I communicated to her that either Texas or Michigan would be a good choice. I'm more invested in Texas since it is brand new to us so I've been doing tons of research and spending lots of money flying us out there to tour places.

I 100% agree that she is doing it for my sake but isn't it malicious to tell me one thing and then tell your family you aren't going with the decision you tell me? In my head, I could have ended up in Texas by myself because she never told me how she truly felt, only entertained the idea of moving there.

[maxwellsmart]

6 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I think I understand better, though I'm still confused as to how you learned all this. Reading her email, texts? 

Anyhow, it sounds like you two have a communication issue here, and I'd encourage you to see it like that, rather than some fault of hers, or betrayal.

For whatever reason—and only you know how reasonable this is—she is operating from the belief that, deep down, you are dead set on Texas. Is there any truth to that, or any reason you could see why she'd think that? 

She, meanwhile, wants to be in Michigan. Does that feel totally off base to you? A complete shock, or something you've guessed? 

Big picture: it seems like you guys are at the sort of tough juncture faced by many, where your individual desires are clashing, and you're both kind of wondering how to be happy together and happy on your life journeys. And however this has all come about, you have learned something important: she wants Michigan. How does that settle with you? Can you put Texas off indefinitely? 

She told me this in-person when I mentioned that Michigan may be a good move over Texas.

Definitely communication issue, but still doesn't discount that she communicated two different things to two different parties, while truly knowing what she wanted. It was a definite possibility that I could have been left in the dust in Texas by myself, that is why I am upset.

 

Being in Michigan is not completely surprising or off-base whatsoever. I've always told her that is the safe option and it makes a lot of sense, but wanted Texas as an alternative due to warmer weather (we absolutely hate the cold mid-west), lifestyle, culture, economy, future family opportunities, etc.

 

Also, the thing is that this was not some big ultimatum ("It's Texas or nothing"). Texas can absolutely be put off as an option for us. I've told her many times both options will be good but she never communicated truthfully her intentions. Led me on about Texas but then tells her family the complete opposite of what she told me.

[kehratha]

6 minutes ago, maxwellsmart said:

I 100% agree that she is doing it for my sake but isn't it malicious to tell me one thing and then tell your family you aren't going with the decision you tell me? In my head, I could have ended up in Texas by myself because she never told me how she truly felt, only entertained the idea of moving there.

I don't see it as malicious.

She's 6 yrs younger than you and at 24, is an age gap that matters.

Maybe she looks up to you and she doesn't want to upset you. Maybe the convo with her mom was smth like: 'mom, (crying) what should I do? I really want to be with Max, but I miss you guys and I don't think he will come to Michigan with me and he will break up with me (cries)" . 

[maxwellsmart]

1 minute ago, kehratha said:

I don't see it as malicious.

She's 6 yrs younger than you and at 24, is an age gap that matters.

Maybe she looks up to you and she doesn't want to upset you. Maybe the convo with her mom was smth like: 'mom, (crying) what should I do? I really want to be with Max, but I miss you guys and I don't think he will come to Michigan with me and he will break up with me (cries)" . 

I completely understand that, the issue is that she is already mentally preparing herself for a hypothetical breakup and telling her family that, all because she told me something completely different.

[kehratha]

1 minute ago, maxwellsmart said:

I completely understand that, the issue is that she is already mentally preparing herself for a hypothetical breakup and telling her family that, all because she told me something completely different.

She is AFRAID of a breakup 🙂

[maxwellsmart]

4 minutes ago, kehratha said:

She is AFRAID of a breakup 🙂

I guess I don't understand why she wasn't just honest with me?
She finally told me and I was totally understanding and Michigan made sense because it was a mutual decision

[kehratha]

6 minutes ago, maxwellsmart said:

I guess I don't understand why she wasn't just honest with me?
She finally told me and I was totally understanding and Michigan made sense because it was a mutual decision

Well, I don't know the dynamic of your relationship, but as I said before, I can only imagine that she was afraid she will lose you. She eventually told you when she could 🙂

But, apart from this specific situation, how is everything with you two? 

Because it's seems a little bit odd to be so upset about this, to the point that you consider a breakup.

[Jaunty]

How do you know all the details of her personal conversations with her mom and other family members?  

You said you asked her and she told you ... if this is the case, why would you feel like breaking up over it?  That said, I have a suspicion that you've been "snooping" in her personal correspondence.  

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, maxwellsmart said:

I completely understand that, the issue is that she is already mentally preparing herself for a hypothetical breakup and telling her family that, all because she told me something completely different.

Might it be possible she was expressing her insecurity/fear with her family that you might break up with her if she doesn't choose Texas? 

Might it also be possible she was fearful that telling you she prefers Michigan might precipitate your breaking up with her?

It doesn't matter that you have not given her any indication you would break up with her, but for some reason (insecurity/fear) she has it in her head you're going to break up with her. 

OR she's projecting and she actually wants to break up with you. 

[Jaunty]

I doubt your girlfriend would have moved to Michigan without telling you unless your relationship is already fractured beyond any repair.  Which it might be, if you're reading her correspondence with her family.   

She'd have to pack up and run off while you were out, in order to accomplish a stealth move.   

[maxwellsmart]

12 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

How do you know all the details of her personal conversations with her mom and other family members?  

You said you asked her and she told you ... if this is the case, why would you feel like breaking up over it?  That said, I have a suspicion that you've been "snooping" in her personal correspondence.  

I'm not snooping, she literally told me in-person about their conversation...

[maxwellsmart]

7 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Might it be possible she was expressing her insecurity/fear with her family that you might break up with her if she doesn't choose Texas? 

Might it also be possible she was fearful that telling you she prefers Michigan might precipitate your breaking up with her?

It doesn't matter that you have not given her any indication you would break up with her, but for some reason (insecurity/fear) she has it in her head you're going to break up with her. 

OR she's projecting and she actually wants to break up with you. 

Definitely agree with all of the above
She had this fear I was going to break up with her because I was so invested in going to Texas to tour places, find best commuting location, best neighborhoods.

 

My theory is that she was really on board but when I actually went out there reality hit and she felt a different way.

[Jaunty]

2 minutes ago, maxwellsmart said:

I'm not snooping, she literally told me in-person about their conversation...

So that's not "stumbling" on anything, and she's also been transparent with you once the conversation was on the table.

[maxwellsmart]

1 minute ago, Jaunty said:

So that's not "stumbling" on anything, and she's also been transparent with you once the conversation was on the table.

I agreed she was transparent once the convo was on the table but that door has been open for 2 years. Doesn't discount that she mislead telling me one thing and then the opposite to her family behind my back.

[Kwothe28]

What do you mean "she might have moved to Michigan without telling me"? Do you mean that she already decided Michigan? Or that she would just said "Yeah you know I already found a job in Michigan etc."?

I ask because there is a difference between "I dont want a fight" and "I will move to different state without him even knowing". One is maybe just miscommunication. Other is deliberately hiding stuff from you so she would break up.

I think you should have a serious talk with her. And see if she wants to continue relationship. Because yes, she maybe see this as an opportunity to bail and start fresh. She is younger so maybe she just doesnt want to tie the knot for now. You both need to see if you want the same things and want those things with each other.

Another thing that crossed my mind is that she is maybe telling her mom that she would come back home or that her mom is influencing her to come back. But you still need to comunicate better all this before deciding what to do.

[Batya33]

Are you two in the same page about your future? She’s going to move for you let’s say but you two aren’t married. So it’s much easier for you to break it off then she knows no one in Texas. As opposed to Michigan. Is she concerned about the status of the relationship and future. 

[maxwellsmart]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

What do you mean "she might have moved to Michigan without telling me"? Do you mean that she already decided Michigan? Or that she would just said "Yeah you know I already found a job in Michigan etc."?

I ask because there is a difference between "I dont want a fight" and "I will move to different state without him even knowing". One is maybe just miscommunication. Other is deliberately hiding stuff from you so she would break up.

I think you should have a serious talk with her. And see if she wants to continue relationship. Because yes, she maybe see this as an opportunity to bail and start fresh. She is younger so maybe she just doesnt want to tie the knot for now. You both need to see if you want the same things and want those things with each other.

Another thing that crossed my mind is that she is maybe telling her mom that she would come back home or that her mom is influencing her to come back. But you still need to comunicate better all this before deciding what to do.

Sounds like she was deciding on Michigan, which is what she told her mom and was still entertaining Texas while talking to me.

[maxwellsmart]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Are you two in the same page about your future? She’s going to move for you let’s say but you two aren’t married. So it’s much easier for you to break it off then she knows no one in Texas. As opposed to Michigan. Is she concerned about the status of the relationship and future. 

Yeah we are regrading either ending up in Texas or Michigan. It's just the fact she told me the opposite of what she told her family that bothers me.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, maxwellsmart said:

. Another options is going back to our home state so that we are closer to friends and family (Michigan).

• We must make this decision in two months 

Unfortunately your GF seems stressed, homesick and pressured.

It's fine for her to confide in friends and family. That's not a betrayal. 

It seems she's less enthusiastic about TX than you are and doesn't want to hurt you. 

Given her family offered to help support her until she gets a job and gets on her feet that may be the best option for her.

Perhaps if TX is something you want to do right now, you'll have to go your own way. Or you could both go to MI and then if you get on your feet and change your mind you can still move to TX.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, maxwellsmart said:

Yeah we are regrading either ending up in Texas or Michigan. It's just the fact she told me the opposite of what she told her family that bothers me.

What are the plans about marriage ? Do either of you want marriage ?