Getting mixed signals about coworker

[Seymore]

A couple of years ago, a new girl started at my job, "K". She didn't speak English and I don't speak Spanish so we didn't interact much.  

We have a mutual coworker, "J", who speaks both languages and works close to her. A couple months after K started, she told J that she likes me. J told me this and was pressuring me to ask her out. After a couple of weeks, I did, and she came up with some reason that she couldn't. So I took it as rejection and told her to let me know if she changes her mind.

I had mentioned this to J, who told me that women want a guy to chase them, and that she still likes me. I told him I'm not going to play that game and the ball is in her court. I stayed friendly with her, though. Learned a little Spanish and would tease her and flirt lightly. Over time I had heard rumblings that she had a boyfriend, but according to J, she wasn't in love with him and still liked me. So I dialed it back a bit.

Time went by and about a month ago she friended and messaged me on IG. We got to talking and she mentioned that her coworkers tease her about us, and asked if I would teach her English. I told her sure, if she taught me Spanish. She agreed. I made plans for us to learn on our lunch breaks and she suggested that we go somewhere just the two of us and learn, since the break room was too noisy. So we made plans for a Saturday.

That Saturday morning, she cancelled due to a family emergency. I told her maybe next weekend, and heard nothing more about it. So I started to distance myself for a week. J asked me if I was ok with K, and that she noticed I wasn't paying attention to her. A day or two later, she messaged me and asked if I was mad at her because I didn't talk to her or smile or even look at her like I used to. I told her I was super busy with work, which I actually was, but I was holding back also. She sent me a photo of her, nothing raunchy, and I commented that she was pretty. 

Today I did the usual - smile, say good morning, act goofy and stuck my tongue out at her. She laughed and messaged me a few minutes later telling me I'm funny. I replied saying that I just like to see her smile. She replied with a heart saying "You are sweet and I would like to have met you sooner". 

I was pretty bummed out. All I replied with was "I understand" and left it at that. I know things get lost in translation but she never brought up this boyfriend to me and there are zero posts of him on her page. I almost don't want to get into it with her because I don't want to make work awkward. At the same time I know she's going to ask why I'm being distant. Why would someone string someone along for a year and a half like that? I'm getting a lot of mixed signals and stories from people.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Agree, way too much workplace drama. Why would "j" encourage chasing women in the workplace? Really bad advice. As far as "k", yes forget it, she has a BF .

Go to work,be polite professional and friendly but stay away from workplace soap opera like romances. 

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, Seymore said:

Why would someone string someone along for a year and a half like that?

Attention. Just pure attention.

Maybe you havent encountered those cases so far. After all if someone likes us they show us that and try to be with us. But some people just enjoy attention. She enjoys you chasing her and giving her attention. When you dont give it to her, she sends her puddle "J" to request that attention from you. Or tries to get it herself. That woman wont maybe ever be with you. She turned you out for a date and now she has a boyfriend. But she sure as hell enjoys you giving her attention.

Stop giving her that attention. If she asks why you are being distant say that you are not interested in women with boyfriends and that its best to stop communications if its not something work related. You did pretty OK so far and didnt take the bait that much. But you need to put "the wall" there.

[Batya33]

I agree with Kwok - and J is a meddling type - adults don't need this level of intervention at all - at most a well meaning person would introduce you to someone he or she thought would be a good match for you, or offer neutral information like "oh - K - she's not married as far as I can tell and she doesn't have children" -even that is pushing it IMO. Especially in a workplace.  

I don't know what role K played in this and that's the problem with indulging in office gossip.

[smackie9]

I was just going to say, she's doing it for the attention. It happens. It's always best to ask if they are with someone before investing your interest. Remember that next time. 

[Seymore]

I went to work today and went about my business. Said good morning to everyone and wasn't out of the ordinary that I know of. As she left for the day she squeezed my arm and gave me a note saying that she liked my seriousness and I should smile. It was so frustrating. Like it's nothing to her.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act when I get strung around for a year and a half. Half of it is my own stupidity for not being clear earlier on but her actions on top hearing conflicting things really confused me.

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Seymore said:

I went to work today and went about my business. Said good morning to everyone and wasn't out of the ordinary that I know of. As she left for the day she squeezed my arm and gave me a note saying that she liked my seriousness and I should smile. It was so frustrating. Like it's nothing to her.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to act when I get strung around for a year and a half. Half of it is my own stupidity for not being clear earlier on but her actions on top hearing conflicting things really confused me.

I wouldn’t date her ever if I were you. She’s off. Her inappropriate behavior is bizarre. Imagine what a loose cannon she’d be around your family and friends. She’s flirtatious but not interested in you for a relationship. So ignore and I’d leave the note for her and put a post it that says “I know you mean well. And please don’t give me any more notes of a personal nature.  It makes me uncomfortable.  Thank you. “

[Seymore]

By my experience, any attention is good attention for people like that so I'm not even going to do that. I haven't interacted on social media with her all weekend so I think she's picking up that I'm less than thrilled with her. 

I just don't get how people expect you to not feel anything or brush things off.  It's crummy.

[Batya33]

She may be totally clueless.  Don’t assume. She has issues.  I’d stop following her on any social media. 

[smackie9]

She hands you a note? What...is she 12? So strange.

She's liking the secret flirtations. Can't assume she can read your mind on this and just know what your feelings are. So if you are not going to say anything about it to her, you are just going to have to put up with it....and that's on you not her. 

 

[Andrina]

I'm assuming you're young, so it's normal to be learning as you go, and now that you have that experience tucked under your belt, you'll know to avoid women like her in the future.

Think of it as dodging a bullet, as who need a gf who will freely say inappropriate things to another guy when she's taken, as well as touching another guy in a way she wouldn't if her main squeeze was around?

Yeah, don't allow yourself to be her plaything and touch you without your permission. You don't have to be belligerent, but you can say in a mellow tone, "I'm the type of person who only wants my girlfriend to touch me like that, so I'm asking a favor that you don't do that." Or come up with whatever you're comfortable saying.

Also, you can still be pleasant at work, but if she tries to engage you in inappropriate lengthy conversations, you can just cut her short and say you have to get back to work. 

In the future, don't engage with this 7th grade stuff like that J drew you into. Hearsay is not fact, and you can manage your own love life.

If you've not been meeting any new singles in your age group, think about what activities you can join to have you expanding your social circle. Good luck.

[Seymore]

So Monday was her first day back at work since our last interaction - where she said she wished she'd met me earlier, I replied that I understood, and withdrew from being anything more than just coworkers.  I decided to just keep it civil, say good morning, good night, just like with any other coworker. 

Now she goes out of her way to avoid me - she used to pass my desk 4-5 times a day since I sit near the restrooms - now she takes the long way through the warehouse...she walks past me without saying good night like she always did, turns her back to me when I say good morning to her department, etc...I noticed she also threw away all of the gag gifts I'd left on her desk over the course of the last two months and also not only unfollowed me on Instagram, but removed me as a follower.  

I am absolutely lost as to what I did for her to act this way, but she won't even act like a coworker to me anymore.  I mean she seems SUPER reactive to something. Does this seem childish?

I know I'm gonna get the "You dodged a bullet, she sounds unstable" stuff, but I just wanted to vent.

[Wiseman2]

Sometimes these changes have nothing to do with you and it's something going on in her life. That's what this seems like.

[Seymore]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sometimes these changes have nothing to do with you and it's something going on in her life. That's what this seems like.

Just weird because she's still super nice to everyone BUT me. It's kinda hurtful.

[Andrina]

This is one of the possible consequences of mixing flirtations, romance, etc. in the workplace. When things go awry, you have to see that person most of the week. It's why many refuse to date a co-worker.

She'll probably get bored of taking tantrums, but if she doesn't, I'm sure the impact of it won't affect you as strongly as time goes by. She's just making herself look like an idiot to her co-workers. You can't control other people, so just let her do her, and you keep your concentration on work.

Even when people don't dabble in romance at work, they often end up dealing with difficult or toxic co-workers or management, so to me, it's par for the course.

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Seymore said:

I know I'm gonna get the "You dodged a bullet, she sounds unstable" stuff, but I just wanted to vent.

I dont think she is necesseraly unstable just because she asks for attention. There are a lot of people who are "normal" in a way of mental health that like the attention. It could be the sign of narcissism though. 

But I do think that you did dodged the bullet and that its good that you dont give that attention to her anymore. Its better for you and for your development not to get stuck into something like this. What she thinks or does is irrelevant. You be professional if you need to comminicate about work but that is about it.

[Seymore]

I agree. Thanks guys. It's her problem and not mine, whatever "it" is.