My boyfriend watched a specific pornstar and I feel betrayed by that

[boltnrun]

27 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I dont understand. Now I should feel bad because I am unlovable? We literally talked miles about me being insecure, why would I know the reasons I am lovable for? 

What? Where did you get from what I asked that I said you should feel bad because you're "unlovable"? 

I asked you what you thought your boyfriend loves about you. Surely he must have told you why he loves you.

[Batya33]

52 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

I would not be mothering if caring wouldnt be his love language. I feel loved by words, he feels loved by taken care of 

Putting aside the trendy notions of "love languages" you can care for an adult without being mothering - obviously- and since  your mothering tends to the controlling I'd take a different approach.  

[hannarivers]

23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What? Where did you get from what I asked that I said you should feel bad because you're "unlovable"? 

I asked you what you thought your boyfriend loves about you. Surely he must have told you why he loves you.

He was never good with words. Once he wrote me a love letter and it took him 2 weeks. I asked him once and he said things like, Im funny, I make him smile, I am sweet, cute, I am loving, caring, he loves my touch and how it makes him feel calm, he feels peace in my arms, he likes that I am creative and I never say no to adventures, I cook well, how excited I act, etc

[hannarivers]

Just now, Batya33 said:

Putting aside the trendy notions of "love languages" you can care for an adult without being mothering - obviously- and since  your mothering tends to the controlling I'd take a different approach.  

Him asking me to cut his hair is not controlling or mothering. Me tending the house is not mothering. He pays for more things, I clean more, this is our agreement

[Batya33]

Just now, hannarivers said:

Him asking me to cut his hair is not controlling or mothering. Me tending the house is not mothering. He pays for more things, I clean more, this is our agreement

You used the term mothering not me.

[hannarivers]

Just now, Batya33 said:

You used the term mothering not me.

I never said it. I said caring for him. Then someone said I am mothering him. Which is not true, caring is not always parental. He loves to bring food for me, I tend to be lazy with eating and I dont feel like he is my father. We do things for each other, thats it 

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

He was never good with words. Once he wrote me a love letter and it took him 2 weeks. I asked him once and he said things like, Im funny, I make him smile, I am sweet, cute, I am loving, caring, he loves my touch and how it makes him feel calm, he feels peace in my arms, he likes that I am creative and I never say no to adventures, I cook well, how excited I act, etc

And despite all that you think he'd rather be with some funky porn actress who does dudes for money?

[Batya33]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would not be mothering if caring wouldnt be his love language

This is what you wrote -I read this to mean you are mothering because caring his his so-called love language. I don't think that is a love language.  Showing you care is basic in any relationship.

[Jaunty]

What kinds of things do you have going on in your life that are just for and about you - social activities with a friend, hobbies, interests etc?

[hannarivers]

9 hours ago, Jaunty said:

What kinds of things do you have going on in your life that are just for and about you - social activities with a friend, hobbies, interests etc?

I had four jobs, so I had to leave behind my hobbies. When I had only one job left, I just wanted to rest, because I work 13 hours for 2 days, then I have a free day. I rest, visit my parents, walk, sit on a bench, watch a movie, clean, and wait for my boyfriend. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

 I work 13 hours for 2 days, then I have a free day. I rest, visit my parents, walk, sit on a bench, watch a movie, clean, and wait for my boyfriend. 

Well since you can't afford therapy and are looking for help with your dilemma, some lifestyle changes could help.

Specifically keeping busy with your own friends family, hobbies, interests career advancement and improvements in your health and fitness.

This way you would not have time to go through his devices or put him under the microscope, scouring pornstars' social media, comparing yourself to this, etc.. You could replace these self-defeating behaviors with productive self esteem building pursuits.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

and wait for my boyfriend. 

Seems like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop -to catch him in a lie, to catch him watching a video -he must feel that too.  How about instead of spending time "waiting" spend that time taking a brisk walk outside, taking a gym class, doing an at home exercise class- decrease the passive "waiting" time which likely gives you more time to think and perhaps snoop into his device.

[hannarivers]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well since you can't afford therapy and are looking for help with your dilemma, some lifestyle changes could help.

Specifically keeping busy with your own friends family, hobbies, interests career advancement and improvements in your health and fitness.

This way you would not have time to go through his devices or put him under the microscope, scouring pornstars' social media, comparing yourself to this, etc.. You could replace these self-defense behaviors with productive self esteem building pursuits.

Sadly, I can only see my friends about once a month. They either work on days I dont, or live far away. But I do need a hobby I can manage even on rainy days. My home is tooo small for workout, but maybe I can pick up a creative hobby. 

I never want to check his devices, ever again. Im over that part. Now I just have to process the past. Espscially the sentence "she has a good body". It was me who asked, but now I cant unhear it. Now I get intrusive thoughts, that porn is not mainly about masturbating, rather about watching bodies. 

I mentioned him a few weeks ago, that now he rarely rejects me and it is because he is not watching porn. He came to me yesterday, saying "I think it was about 40 percent about what you said and 60 percent is because sex is much better now than it was before." I just had one question, "So you think porn once a week is so bad that you would reject me so much?". His answer was, "I dont think I rejected you as many times as you want to believe, and yes, once a week can be fulfilling, but it not really is about porn, if I jerked off watching the wall before you approached me, I wouldnt have the mood either" 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

My home is tooo small for workout, but maybe I can pick up a creative hobby. 

I have a DVD I use as a last resort when I cannot get out to workout (I work out daily, have been working out regularly since 1982) -it's by Leslie Sansome.  I have a few feet of space to workout at most.  You don't need space to do a workout and many which are cardio-based only need a few feet.  I use an exercise band to increase the workout of my muscles.  There are many youtube videos too.  We live in  small two bedroom apartment and when I used my DVD very often my young son was in the same living room with me and I had very little space.  It will clear your head.  And increase your fitness and health.

Don't indulge in maybes -what can you do today to look for a creative hobby? (I'm not creative at all so I can't help you there).

[hannarivers]

13 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Seems like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop -to catch him in a lie, to catch him watching a video -he must feel that too.  How about instead of spending time "waiting" spend that time taking a brisk walk outside, taking a gym class, doing an at home exercise class- decrease the passive "waiting" time which likely gives you more time to think and perhaps snoop into his device.

Noo, I meant waiting for him to come home, so I can be with him. I do walk, a lot, since I am alone most of the time. Like now, I am sitting át a coffee shop ny myself

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Noo, I meant waiting for him to come home, so I can be with him. I do walk, a lot, since I am alone most of the time. Like now, I am sitting át a coffee shop ny myself

Right -stop waiting.  Be home around the time when he's home much of the time but no reason to be "waiting" unless you have to be home anyway for some other reason.  He shouldn't find you "waiting" all the time.  The more you "wait" the more you let your mind go to places of negativity, etc.  It's great to sit at a coffee shop -I kinda miss the days when I would do that down the block from my son's Sunday school program.  Keep your relationship alive by having your own fun, fulfilling, busy life.  

If you have blocks of time to sit at a coffee shop look for volunteer opportunities where you can contribute an hour or two at a time. Like at an animal shelter, helping backstage at community theater, a food pantry, etv.

[hannarivers]

34 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Right -stop waiting.  Be home around the time when he's home much of the time but no reason to be "waiting" unless you have to be home anyway for some other reason.  He shouldn't find you "waiting" all the time.  The more you "wait" the more you let your mind go to places of negativity, etc.  It's great to sit at a coffee shop -I kinda miss the days when I would do that down the block from my son's Sunday school program.  Keep your relationship alive by having your own fun, fulfilling, busy life.  

If you have blocks of time to sit at a coffee shop look for volunteer opportunities where you can contribute an hour or two at a time. Like at an animal shelter, helping backstage at community theater, a food pantry, etv.

I agree completely. But these are the easier parts, because these are not connected to my thinking process. As I mentioned, my biggest struggle is to somehow process that he admitted to liking this girls body. Im not stupid, I know every one finds others attractive, but hearing it out loud messed with my brain a bit. Mostly because I truly cant get excited my someone else's body, just situations. And knowing that my boyfriend can get excited by visuals also is somewhat hurtful. I knew already that people can be like this, my brother also said that he likes visuals too, but, meh.... Im probably seeing this from the wrong angle, but Idk how to approach this topic in my had so it is not that messed up

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

 

I never want to check his devices, ever again. Im over that part. Now I just have to process the past. Espscially the sentence "she has a good body". It was me who asked, but now I cant unhear it. Now I get intrusive thoughts, that porn is not mainly about masturbating, rather about watching bodies. 

Here is an example of why "good replies" on an anonymous forum are not sufficient to help you.  You have some compulsive mental habits.  These are very hard to get rid of.  We know they're wrecking us when we have them yet they still keep coming.   You need to "reprogram" in a sense, and you will need some help to do it.   

The part you can tackle on your own right now is to change your approach of life that centers on waiting for your boyfriend.

Try to imagine a fulfilling life without this person.  What if there were no man in your life at all?  Probably most people are most happy with someone special to love by our side, but to be healthy, we need to be able to have a good life if this isn't in place.

Is your job something that is meaningful for you?  Is it a career or just a way to pay the rent while you "wait for your boyfriend"?  Have you considered taking classes or training to learn or gain expertise in a marketable skill?

Theres nothing wrong, though, with having a job just to pay the bills.  If this is the case then you need to find other sources of meaningful enrichment, stimulation and engagement in your life.  

Also, relationships cannot survive when somebody has only their partner to meet all their human needs in life.  It's way to much of a burden.  If you "can't" see your friends because they live far away or work, so instead you sit on a bench ... that's not healthy.  You need other people to take the pressure off of you and your boyfriend both, and your relationship.  

Sounds like you're really trying.  Keep going.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, hannarivers said:

I agree completely. But these are the easier parts, because these are not connected to my thinking process. As I mentioned, my biggest struggle is to somehow process that he admitted to liking this girls body. Im not stupid, I know every one finds others attractive, but hearing it out loud messed with my brain a bit. Mostly because I truly cant get excited my someone else's body, just situations. And knowing that my boyfriend can get excited by visuals also is somewhat hurtful. I knew already that people can be like this, my brother also said that he likes visuals too, but, meh.... Im probably seeing this from the wrong angle, but Idk how to approach this topic in my had so it is not that messed up

I disagree. I think they’re inextricably intertwined with your mindset and mental health. And if it were so easy it would be obvious to you and you’d be doing it already. What’s complicated is you using word salad and fancy terms. Nothing to “process”. If you trust that he’s committed to you and for the right reasons this realization of yours would be a nothing Burger. 

[hannarivers]

20 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Here is an example of why "good replies" on an anonymous forum are not sufficient to help you.  You have some compulsive mental habits.  These are very hard to get rid of.  We know they're wrecking us when we have them yet they still keep coming.   You need to "reprogram" in a sense, and you will need some help to do it.   

The part you can tackle on your own right now is to change your approach of life that centers on waiting for your boyfriend.

Try to imagine a fulfilling life without this person.  What if there were no man in your life at all?  Probably most people are most happy with someone special to love by our side, but to be healthy, we need to be able to have a good life if this isn't in place.

Is your job something that is meaningful for you?  Is it a career or just a way to pay the rent while you "wait for your boyfriend"?  Have you considered taking classes or training to learn or gain expertise in a marketable skill?

Theres nothing wrong, though, with having a job just to pay the bills.  If this is the case then you need to find other sources of meaningful enrichment, stimulation and engagement in your life.  

Also, relationships cannot survive when somebody has only their partner to meet all their human needs in life.  It's way to much of a burden.  If you "can't" see your friends because they live far away or work, so instead you sit on a bench ... that's not healthy.  You need other people to take the pressure off of you and your boyfriend both, and your relationship.  

Sounds like you're really trying.  Keep going.

I am really trying. Compared to my energy level, I do my best. Which is quite low now, since I started extreme dieting. I think its time to stop now. I know I need people, but the ones I treasure and trust are not available ad much as I would like them to be. And making new friends is not that easy. Horses make me feel calm, but for my luck, there is not even a place near where I would be able to ride

[hannarivers]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I disagree. I think they’re inextricably intertwined with your mindset and mental health. And if it were so easy it would be obvious to you and you’d be doing it already. What’s complicated is you using word salad and fancy terms. Nothing to “process”. If you trust that he’s committed to you and for the right reasons this realization of yours would be a nothing Burger. 

Lets say your husband did watch porn, and you asked him if a specific person was hot, and he answered yes, she had a nice bod, would you not be, hmm, disappointed? I know I asked the questions, but still. I mean, I also asked him to not lie. This is what I meant by process, my mind was not okay with hearing that, even though I am adult enough to know there would be no person on earth who only finds me attractive. 

[Jaunty]

Extreme dieting is another common pathway for compulsive behaviors and mental patterns to take hold.  Also I'm sure it's related to your obsession with your boyfriend's remark about another woman's good body.  Not good for you.

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

Lets say your husband did watch porn, and you asked him if a specific person was hot,

Why would I ask him that? I presume (rightfully) he married me because he found ME "hot". So I wouldn't feel insecure enough to ask such a question.

Why are you "extreme dieting"? Do you understand how bad that is for you? Why not just follow healthy food and exercise practices? 

[hannarivers]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why would I ask him that? I presume (rightfully) he married me because he found ME "hot". So I wouldn't feel insecure enough to ask such a question.

Why are you "extreme dieting"? Do you understand how bad that is for you? Why not just follow healthy food and exercise practices? 

Because I was stupid and compulsive, today I ate enough. 

You are right about that I should never ask him questions like this. But I did, and I was just curious how a "normally feeling" person would react if they knew their partner found someone sexy

[bluecastle]

13 minutes ago, hannarivers said:

But I did, and I was just curious how a "normally feeling" person would react if they knew their partner found someone sexy

I think it's a given that our partners find people sexy. People in magazines, people on the streets, people at the office, whatever. This is just human. You know this as you're asking us this, I think. No doubt you have flipped through a magazine or watched a movie and seen a smoldering dude. 

In other words, you're asking these questions to create a trap. For yourself and for him. Not intentionally but subconsciously. You're in essence trying to do two things at once: soothe your insecurities and validate them. Thinking being: If he says someone has a good body then you are justified in being uneasy. Which is a false hypothesis, so both of you just end up feeling a touch crazy.  

He thinks she has a good body for the same reason you think Ryan Gosling has a good body or the same reason Ryan Gosling thinks this porn star has a good body. A good body is a good body is a good body. It's not special or rocket science.  

The way out of this for you, I sincerely think, is to start building a life for yourself that you are super into. Friends, hobbies, whatever, so long as it is building something in your life that has nothing to do with your own body. A pottery class. A weekend afternoon volunteering somewhere. An online course in metaphysics. Go to an open mic night for comedy. Read a book that has always interested you while intimidating you. Call an old friend—like today—and make plans for dinner. Start small, keep building, trust the process. 

This will not be an instant solution, but if you can feed the above you will find (a) it naturally gives you less time to dwell on the frou frou and (b) it naturally bolsters up little parts of your own self-esteem so even the frou frou, when dwelled on, is less neon bright. 

Personal example: I have a big life I take a lot of comfort in, a medley of friends, and hobbies that are deeply engrained in my day to day. I surf most days, for instance, and when I'm not surfing a part of my brain is always dreaming of surfing. That part of my brain really comes in handy when I'm feeling insecure with my girlfriend, whatever the reason, or when my own body is bumming me out.

It's like the part of me that dreams about surfing shoves out the part of me that's all "Why's she being distant?" or "Dang, the midsection isn't quite as taut as it was last summer." Also, while I would be profoundly devastated if my relationship ended, I already know what I would do: I would see friends, I would surf, I would engage in other things, and I would survive. And knowing that, ironically, allows me to be much more present in the relationship rather than fretting about it. 

Make sense?