im obsessed with my ex

[evenworse]

my ex and I broke up like 3 months ago after he decided he wanted to be with another girl. I blocked him and have had no contact with him since then, but I have thinking about him constantly and I miss him. I miss being in his life so I sometimes unblock him on instagram to see if he posted anything/ has been tagged in pictures because this is the longest ive gone without him and it's so unnatural. Also, I look at his new girlfriends account too because he picked her over me and I live vicariously through her. I know this is unhealthy so I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to stop being so obsessed with them. I dont even have any romantic feelings left for him and I dont feel sad over our breakup so I dont even know why im doing this. I guess maybe the sudden no contact was rough or maybe im still in shock over him choosing her even after everything we went through. I just want to move on. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, evenworse said:

 I sometimes unblock him on instagram to see if he posted anything. Also, I look at his new girlfriends account too because he picked her over me and I live vicariously through her

It's good you blocked him, however you need to permanently delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This unfortunately seems to go beyond the breakup. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You may need to unpack and sort some things out to get to the root of this obsession.

Is this the same man?

 

[evenworse]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you blocked him, however you need to permanently delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

This unfortunately seems to go beyond the breakup. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You may need to unpack and sort some things out to get to the root of this obsession.

Is this the same man?

 

My therapist just retired, but im actively looking into finding a new one. 
Yes, that is the same man. We had an extremely toxic relationship so im also not used to the lack of drama. 

[Jibralta]

I hope you are breaking up with him for good now!!

2 hours ago, evenworse said:

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to stop being so obsessed with them.

If I were in your situation, which I have been, I would get a dating profile up and make dating my new hobby. To be clear, I'm not saying you should be looking to find your next great love, or trying to dive into a rebound relationship to forget the pain of this one. I'm saying, get out there, see what's around. Interact. Have fun. Get to know different people. Keep it light.

[Kwothe28]

You were in an abusive relationhip. So naturally, when he broke up, it did affected you. You havent got over him so instead of thinking "Good, he is somebody else problem now", you still desire him and look at his girlfriend pictures to see what she has that you dont. By the sound of your last thread, bigger boobs. But that is beyond the point here. Whole point is that you need to get over it. And realize he was bad for you. You wont do that by looking at his or hers pictures. You would do that by blocking both of them and moving on in time. And yes, since you were under abuse, maybe therapy is a good option as well.

[evenworse]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

You were in an abusive relationhip. So naturally, when he broke up, it did affected you. You havent got over him so instead of thinking "Good, he is somebody else problem now", you still desire him and look at his girlfriend pictures to see what she has that you dont. By the sound of your last thread, bigger boobs. But that is beyond the point here. Whole point is that you need to get over it. And realize he was bad for you. You wont do that by looking at his or hers pictures. You would do that by blocking both of them and moving on in time. And yes, since you were under abuse, maybe therapy is a good option as well.

This brought a lot of clarity. Im not used to the lack of drama and have come to realize that this relationship isnt something i can get over by myself so therapy is definitely my next step 

[Lambert]

It can take time to heal and get over things. Add in that it was a bad relationship and the end was about a third person, that's definitely going to complicate things more. 

It took me a long time to heal from a very hurtful break up. And I would wonder, "why am I still thinking about this guy ALL THE TIME?" I honestly thought I was losing it. that he ruined me because as much as I wanted to be over it, I just wasn't. my self esteem and worth were just destroyed. 

One day I had a thought. for whatever reason I'm stuck here and I'm just going to ride it out.  I will stop blaming myself for his rejection of me and at some point I will stop thinking of him.

When I thought of him, I'd say something nice to myself... like 'it's ok. I'm ok' as an acknowledgement. then focus on something else

It helped. In time, he came to mind less and less. But I also had not looked for him on the internet for a long time.  you have to set a hard rule for yourself.  You have to stop looking.  You have to do it to save yourself. 

time, distance, & accepting yourself while holding yourself accountable to do better and to make new and better choices are the way to go.

hang in there! This too shall pass but you have to find your way through it. 

[evenworse]

3 hours ago, Lambert said:

It helped. In time, he came to mind less and less. But I also had not looked for him on the internet for a long time.  you have to set a hard rule for yourself.  You have to stop looking.  You have to do it to save yourself. 

time, distance, & accepting yourself while holding yourself accountable to do better and to make new and better choices are the way to go.

thank you, this helped a lot and gave me a lot of hope. I decided to stop looking at his profile because i realized it doesnt help me at all. Reading this gave me lots of motivation

[Cherylyn]

Even though my story is not the same as yours,  the sentiments are very similar. 

My secret?  Get busy and very distracted with your own life.  Exercise,  eat healthy,  have a social life with your friends,  work hard on your career / education,  have intellectual pursuits,  hobbies (indoors / outdoors),  perhaps arts 'n craft activities,  visit your local library and borrow books for downtime reading,  do Spring declutering and cleaning,  watch your favorite movies,  be industrious and productive.  After all that,  you'll be so exhausted that you won't have the energy nor brain space to think of your ex-boyfriend nor his girlfriend.  You won't care because you're too tired and all you want to do is take a nap or go to bed early for a good night's rest to start all over again the following day. 

Whenever you preoccupy yourself with making your life fulfilled with your right to be happy on a daily basis,  the person you obsessed about will fade away into a distant blur.  Then there will be days when you'll no longer think of him nor his girlfriend anymore because your brain is crowded with better,  more positive thoughts. 

Whenever I no longer have rapport with someone,  I know they're not investing the same type of energy and time into me so why should I waste my thought process on them?  They're truly not worth it.  Once you change the way you think,  your ex will be equated with "good riddance!" and relieved thoughts and then you won't care anymore.  In your mind,  treat your ex in your brain as if he's a stranger standing far back in the line at the checkout as if you're in public and same with his girlfriend.  Don't care. 

Also,  don't be tempted to keep an eye on him and his girlfriend on social media,  FB,  IG or whatever.  Completely and finally block and delete permanently.  Out of sight,  out of mind. 

You need to heal your mind so do whatever it takes to keep moving forward and onward.

[Lambert]

4 hours ago, evenworse said:

thank you, this helped a lot and gave me a lot of hope. I decided to stop looking at his profile because i realized it doesnt help me at all. Reading this gave me lots of motivation

It's really important to put this wall up. 

I'm glad I could help.  It is hard to stop a self destructive thought cycle. the mind (and human nature) is to tell ourselves all kinds of narratives. But we can choose a more loving and self supportive one at any time.  one thought at a time. 

"When I let go of what I am,  I become what I might be" - Laozi 

Putting up with abusive behavior and being left for a third person are very ego driven. It's like you've attached your worth to how someone else acts.  You can't win that game.  Your worth should be coming from you. And you build that muscle every time you make a good choice, a healthy choice for you- above all others. 

It's not selfish to take care of yourself first. It's like the oxygen mask on a plane. Put yours on before you try to help someone else. 

It's the same with everything else.  No one can breath for you. You have to do it.  

It's unhealthy to know what this guy is up to or to have any connections. So you must turn your focus away. 

Keep trying. and pray for patience when you feel down or weak about.  focus on breathing.  if you don't know about prayer, meditation and breathing exercises, Google them. Look on you tube.