Guy I'm seeing exclusively is meeting up tonight with a girl he's hooked up with and it's making me super anxious

[Larissa1443]

We (me 29F him 26M) have been seeing each other exclusively for a little over a month, known each other for 4 mo.

Before that he was in an open relationship and he ended it and we started hanging out more. He said he was unsure about what he wanted but then told me he wants to be with me and see where this goes. I do want a relationship and romance etc so I'm unsure where this is headed to. 

The whole situation started a bit messy as you can see, but we talked it through and were able to sort it. He's been somewhat consistent, plans dates and time to hang out with me, we get along well but I always feel like something's lacking.

When we're together there's nothing bad I can say about him. He truly is a sweetheart and treats me well, but we don't spend that much time together and I can see we are possibly in different stages and want different things. 

Thing is, there's this girl he was hooking up with a few weeks before we got together exclusively and I know who she is but he doesn't know I know (a good online stalker that I am LOL). Turns out he's getting a tattoo with her tonight and I am dying inside. He told me she was a housemate's friend but I know she's not.

When he opened their messages to show me the tattoo pic, I could tell there was some back and forth conversation between them which he quickly scrolled up to get to the pic and when he finished showing me the pic, he closed the app instead of going back to the conversation. Clearly there was something there I couldn't see. She does have an unique style and I can understand why he'd want to tattoo with her so that's not the issue here, more so the fact that I feel uncomfortable with them together. And the fact that we are exclusive but somehow is still keeping this girl in his life and I have to be ok with it because "they're friends" 

I know a lot of you will say to dump him because he's lying, but in my mind I think he might be doing that because he knows I'll get jealous and he doesn't want me getting upset. I know lying either way is bad, I know, but also maybe he's doing it to not upset me as he might be truly, just going there to get a tattoo.

He did show me her instagram and told me he was going to her apartment, it's not like he omitted the whole thing but I don't have that much intimacy with him to bring this up, like "hey I know you're lying about this chick", because that'll just make me sound crazy, so I'm playing the chill girl. 

But how do I know they're not gonna do something more than just the tattoo? What if things escalate and they end up sleeping together and I'll never know? I feel like I'm in a pickle here.

Yesterday also, we were together and I spoke to him about how we lack in communication during the week - sometimes we'll go two or three days without talking and it bothers me and he told me he's happy to communicate more if that'll make me happy but you know when the conversation just ends awkwardly? He also said it's not a good indicator that already he's not making me happy to which I agreed. However, he listens to me and validates my feelings which is something I've never experienced with any guy. 

I truly truly want this person to be happy, I think they're a good human being unlike all the toxic men in my life, I don't want to push them to act a certain way or do something, I want them to be with me and do things with me out of want, not from me asking, but at the same time, I also deserve to be happy. I also know a perfect soul mate doesn't exist so I do keep that in mind before making any decisions.

I've thought about ending things but then again it just seems like the easy way out and whenever things start getting more serious I panic and have this urge to leave before I get hurt so I want to change those patterns, but I also feel like it's too much work and anxiety and I don't want to go through this. 

Help! 😞

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

he was in an open relationship and he ended it and we started hanging out more. He said he was unsure about what he wanted but then told me he wants to be with me and see where this goes

I've thought about ending things but then again it just seems like the easy way out and whenever things start getting more serious I panic and have this urge to leave before I get hurt.

This seems like good instincts, not panic. He's into open relationships. If you're not, protect yourself from possible headaches and heartaches ahead. 

[Kwothe28]

2 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

Turns out he's getting a tattoo with her tonight and I am dying inside. He told me she was a housemate's friend but I know she's not.

 

3 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I know a lot of you will say to dump him because he's lying, but in my mind I think he might be doing that because he knows I'll get jealous and he doesn't want me getting upset.

 

3 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

He did show me her instagram and told me he was going to her apartment

Please tell me you dont believe this. He is going to the person he was hooking up. To her appartment. Just why do you think he is going there? Because sure as hell isnt just for tatoo.

Its fine not to be OK with stuff like this. It doesnt make you "A jealous B". Its perfectly fine not to be OK with your boyfriend going alone to appartment of a girl he was trying to hook up just weeks ago. Its a normal thing. If you want exclusive relationship you need to not be fine with cheaters who do stuff like that. And leave when you see stuff like this on the spot. Respect yourself more. Dump the chump.

[Larissa1443]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems like good instincts, not panic. He's into open relationships. If you're not, protect yourself from possible headaches and heartaches ahead. 

The thing that bothers me is honesty. 

I'd rather him tell me the truth rather than hide it so I can make a decision. 

I don't want to feel stupid, we have plans on Saturday and I don't want to sleep with a guy that I'll never know if he slept with this chick but at the same time I don't have intimacy yet to say anything. 

[bluecastle]

5 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

The thing that bothers me is honesty. 

Sorry you're spinning around a bit.

From what you've written, I'm not quite sure where I see him lying. Is there a chance that, in addition to being someone he once hooked up with, this woman is (a) also friends with his roommate and (b) also someone he considers a friend? The fact that he's not hiding that he's hanging out with her, getting a tattoo with her, and so on, at least reads in part like a guy who is being more straightforward with you than not.  

That said, I can totally understand why you're edgy—and that's something to be paying attention to. Seems you two have pretty different sets of boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex, along with different relationship histories, and maybe that right there is just a fundamental incompatibility.

[Larissa1443]

Just now, bluecastle said:

Seems you two have pretty different sets of boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex, along with different relationship histories, and maybe that right there is just a fundamental incompatibility.

Yeah I think that's on point. 

Honestly I do think he could be telling the truth because even when him and I hung out, it hasn't always led to sex. However, when we discussed open relationships, he told me he likes to keep connections with different people not necessarily leading to sex, so it makes me uncomfortable that this girl might still be one of his connections. 

When we discussed exclusivity, I'd expect him to cut off any other sort of "connection" even if it's just emotionally. 

I don't mind opposite sex friendships, but I do mind guy going to the apartment of the woman he slept before he was with me on his own. 

Like I said, this guy isn't a bad person, he truly is a sweetheart but I think we are very different in terms of what we believe and want out of a relationship and I feel like I'm driving myself a bit insane trying to figure out what this is and how this relationship should be navigated. I don't want to be lied to and give him my best while he's doing things behind my back and I'll possibly never find out. 

[Larissa1443]

23 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

 

 

Please tell me you dont believe this. He is going to the person he was hooking up. To her appartment. Just why do you think he is going there? Because sure as hell isnt just for tatoo.

Its fine not to be OK with stuff like this. It doesnt make you "A jealous B". Its perfectly fine not to be OK with your boyfriend going alone to appartment of a girl he was trying to hook up just weeks ago. Its a normal thing. If you want exclusive relationship you need to not be fine with cheaters who do stuff like that. And leave when you see stuff like this on the spot. Respect yourself more. Dump the chump.

Yeah I guess like, I truly believe he could be just going for a tattoo because like I said, we've hung out without even kissing so I can see that happening as he isn't really sex driven and enjoys people's companies, but it's the fact that 1. I'll never know and 2. I don't like the fact he hasn't told me they've hooked up.

[bluecastle]

5 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I don't want to be lied to and give him my best while he's doing things behind my back and I'll possibly never find out. 

What's your past relationship history? Have there been instances where you've been lied to while feeling you're giving your best? Wounds on that front that remain understandably tender? Just asking for context, as it seems to be a sore spot. 

Whoever you're with, there is simply no way to ever know everything. That's why choosing someone you can trust, and someone who inspires you to be brave in building that trust, is so important. The big issue here, from where I'm sitting, is not that this guy is lying to you but that he's making choices that trigger suspicion more than that bravery. 

10 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I don't mind opposite sex friendships, but I do mind guy going to the apartment of the woman he slept before he was with me on his own. 

 

What's the context here? Did he go over on the day they got the tattoo, to pick her up? Or was it later that night, or another day?  

[spinstermanquee]

8 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

[he has said] "he isn't really sex driven and enjoys people's companies"

Dear Larissa, is what i inserted into the brackets above accurate?  Or has he shown you without question that he is your guy?  Time to think about talk vs. walk...

[Larissa1443]

Just now, bluecastle said:

What's your past relationship history? Have there been instances where you've been lied to while feeling you're giving your best? Wounds on that front that remain understandably tender? Just asking for context, as it seems to be a sore spot. 

Whoever you're with, there is simply no way to ever know everything. That's why choosing someone you can trust, and someone who inspires you to be brave in building that trust, is so important. The big issue here, from where I'm sitting, is not that this guy is lying to you but that he's making choices that trigger suspicion more than that bravery. 

What's the context here? Did he go over on the day they got the tattoo, to pick her up? Or was it later that night, or another day?  

I have had my fair share of toxic relationships, I do understand though, that people are different and I can't reflect that on him. Having said that, I think my main concern is simply the fact that we go days without talking so I'm like, okay, he's going over to this girl's house tonight, possibly won't even message me, I'll talk to him in one or two days and I'll never truly know if they did anything sexual. 

In a relationship, usually, my partners would keep me updated on what they're doing, who they're with, check in with me etc. Of course that doesn't prevent from cheating, if they want to do it, they'll find a way, but the fact that he goes days without talking to me always leaves a blank space for me to wonder what he's up to and it's starting to annoy me, hence why I communicated that with him last night. 

He is going tonight to her apartment to get the tattoo. When he showed me the picture of the tattoo, he opened up their conversation but he scrolled up so fast that it made me think that whatever they had been talking about after he sent her the picture is something I shouldn't read. 

In an ideal world, this guy wouldn't be friends with this girl because he literally slept with her a month ago, so I think to me it's not just a matter of trust but rather if I'm with someone, I think what he's doing is inappropriate but he could call me out and say she's just a friend and he's "just getting a tattoo" and I have to suck it up and accept it. 

[spinstermanquee]

1 minute ago, Larissa1443 said:

In an ideal world, this guy wouldn't be friends with this girl

Yep.  In YOUR world.  Larissa, only you can draw that boundary.  It's not on her, it's on him.  Best of everything and big hugs 🙂

[Larissa1443]

7 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Dear Larissa, is what i inserted into the brackets above accurate?  Or has he shown you without question that he is your guy?  Time to think about talk vs. walk...

I don't know really, I think he didn't want to cut contact with this girl and getting a tattoo with her is a way of keeping her in his life. I just feel off about this whole thing...

[spinstermanquee]

Just now, Larissa1443 said:

I don't know really

Larissa,

Is what you don't know really is if he is telling the truth when he "says" he isn't "sex-driven?"

Sounds a bit like a hound to me... hmmm...

[Larissa1443]

1 minute ago, spinstermanquee said:

Yep.  In YOUR world.  Larissa, only you can draw that boundary.  It's not on her, it's on him.  Best of everything and big hugs 🙂

You're right! This has me thinking...

[Larissa1443]

3 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Larissa,

Is what you don't know really is if he is telling the truth when he "says" he isn't "sex-driven?"

Sounds a bit like a hound to me... hmmm...

I say this because there have been times we hung out and it didn't lead to sex.

Like yeah, I could be freaking out and they might not even sleep together, but the thought of some girl he was just sleeping with a month ago touching him irks me out either way. 

[Tinydance]

36 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

Yeah I think that's on point. 

Honestly I do think he could be telling the truth because even when him and I hung out, it hasn't always led to sex. However, when we discussed open relationships, he told me he likes to keep connections with different people not necessarily leading to sex, so it makes me uncomfortable that this girl might still be one of his connections. 

When we discussed exclusivity, I'd expect him to cut off any other sort of "connection" even if it's just emotionally. 

I don't mind opposite sex friendships, but I do mind guy going to the apartment of the woman he slept before he was with me on his own. 

Like I said, this guy isn't a bad person, he truly is a sweetheart but I think we are very different in terms of what we believe and want out of a relationship and I feel like I'm driving myself a bit insane trying to figure out what this is and how this relationship should be navigated. I don't want to be lied to and give him my best while he's doing things behind my back and I'll possibly never find out. 

I think the last paragraph you wrote is probably what you really need to think about. The thing that jumped out at me is that you said this guy was in an open relationship. I'm not polyamorous but I have friends who are polyamorous. Basically they're all of the mindset that as long as you're honest that it's OK to date other people, sleep with other people, hang out with ex's, etc, etc. Except the idea is that everyone else they're seeing is also polyamorous or in the very least fine with what's going on. 

The potential problem I see here is this guy someone who actually prefers open relationships? Or he was in an open relationship only briefly? Or he didn't like being in an open relationship so he ended it?

I actually tried dating a polyamorous guy about three years ago and for me it ended very badly. I was a few months out of breaking up with my ex-fiance so I guess I thought I was OK with something open. The problem is I got really strong feelings for that guy. And he fell in love with me as well and wanted a serious relationship but he wanted the relationship to be polyamorous. He had a partner of a few years already and he was totally honest about her and anyone else he went on dates with. He would say he was excited for me to date too and he felt no jealousy. The problem was I DID feel jealousy and I felt it so badly. Every time I saw him, I came home and cried. I wanted him just for me but I couldn't have that.

I think if this guy is someone who is polyamorous or likes open relationships then he actually might be in the mind frame that there's nothing wrong hanging out with an ex. Maybe he doesn't realise how it comes across or looks. I think you probably really need to think about whether dating someone like this is actually for you.

One of my close friends is polyamorous and he was dating my other friend for about 1.5 years. She isn't poly and she said to him if he saw anyone else, it's over. So I think he pushed himself to be monogamous but at the end of the day he didn't like it and he ended their relationship. Now he's with a poly woman and they're really happy together.

 

 

[Tinydance]

54 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems like good instincts, not panic. He's into open relationships. If you're not, protect yourself from possible headaches and heartaches ahead. 

Yes

[Larissa1443]

2 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think the last paragraph you wrote is probably what you really need to think about. The thing that jumped out at me is that you said this guy was in an open relationship. I'm not polyamorous but I have friends who are polyamorous. Basically they're all of the mindset that as long as you're honest that it's OK to date other people, sleep with other people, hang out with ex's, etc, etc. Except the idea is that everyone else they're seeing is also polyamorous or in the very least fine with what's going on. 

The potential problem I see here is thus guy someone who actually prefers open relationships? Or he was in an open relationship only briefly? Or he didn't like being in an open relationship so he ended it?

I actually tried dating a polyamorous guy about three years ago and for me it ended very badly. I was a few months out of breaking up with my ex-fiance so I guess I thought I was OK with something open. The problem is I got really strong feelings for that guy. And he fell in love with me as well and wanted a serious relationship but he wanted the relationship to be polyamorous. He had a partner of a few years already and he was totally honest about her and anyone else he went on dates with. He would say he was excited for me to date too and he felt no jealousy. The problem was I DID feel jealousy and I felt it so badly. Every time I saw him, I came home and cried. I wanted him just for me but I couldn't have that.

I think if thus guy is someone who is polyamorous or likes open relationships then he actually might be in the mind frame that there's nothing wrong hanging out with an ex. Maybe he doesn't realise how it comes across or looks. I think you probably really need to think about whether dating someone like this is actually for you.

One of my close friends is polyamorous and he was dating my other friend for about 1.5 years. She isn't poly and she said to him if he saw anyone else, it's over. So I thinkhe pushed himself to be monogamous but at the end of the day he didn't like it and he ended their relationship. Now he's with a poly woman and they're really happy together.

 

 

To be quite honest, the fact that he hid from me that they've hooked up is what raises flags for me. Had he told me, I can make the decision myself if I like it or not, the fact that he omitted it shows to me that he knows I possibly won't be okay with it so he doesn't want to stress me out or have me concerned because he's not willing to cut ties with this woman completely aka have your cake and eat it too. 

 

To me, wanting an open relationship or being friends with ex is fine if both are okay with it. The fact that he chooses to omit what this friendship was gives me a panicky feeling that I have to pretend I don't know about them. The fact that he scrolled their conversation up so fast that I couldn't see it while he was also texting other people beside me and leaving the screen open for me to read gave me such an off feeling...

He's free to do whatever he wants, but I also should be allowed to make a decision.

[bluecastle]

14 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

n an ideal world, this guy wouldn't be friends with this girl because he literally slept with her a month ago

How do you know these specifics, out of curiosity? And since by the sounds of it he was sleeping with her just moments before you two became exclusive, I’m wondering if you guys had any conversations about boundaries and expectations after agreeing to exclusivity. 

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

To be quite honest, the fact that he hid from me that they've hooked up is what raises flags for me. Had he told me, I can make the decision myself if I like it or not, the fact that he omitted it shows to me that he knows I possibly won't be okay with it so he doesn

Do you know what his ideas and beliefs about being in a relationship are? If he prefers open I think you are very incompatible.

[Larissa1443]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

How do you know these specifics, out of curiosity? And since by the sounds of it he was sleeping with her just moments before you two became exclusive, I’m wondering if you guys had any conversations about boundaries and expectations after agreeing to exclusivity. 

I know because of social media, hard to explain in details, but I just know. 

We did have converstaions and what we agreed on is that we're not allowed to have romantic dates with anyone and get physically involved. So basically, a normal monogamous relationship. 

Which leads me to thinking that he chose to leave out the fact they've hooked up with because that would then fall into the category that they're seeing each other but then he can use the excuse he is getting a tattoo with her but deep down something tells me he just doesn't want to cut ties with her.

You see, he has no other girl friends he hangs out with apart from her, everyone else I know who they are and have met. 

Also, on Saturday he is having a house gathering with all his friends and myself and he didn't invite her, if she's such a good friend, why wasn't she invited? 

[Larissa1443]

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Do you know what his ideas and beliefs about being in a relationship are? If he prefers open I think you are very incompatible.

I think we truly are incompatible. I think he's trying to make it work in a way that's good for both of us and I appreciate that

He came out of a serious monogamous relationship 7 months ago, so I can understand this guy wanting to explore possibilities and dynamics. I think even he doesn't really know what he wants and doesn't have a lot of experience with open relationships to start with. 

I, on the other hand, have been single for quite a long time, have explored my sexuality, have been with multiple different people, have been in open and closed relationships, I've done it all so I know what I want and what I don't want.

The difference is that this guy truly makes an effort to listen to me and my needs, most guys would just be like "yep, we don't work out, I'm done", but he stays and that's why it's been so confusing and hard to make a decision. 

[Lambert]

sounds like you're watering down your own needs and justifying red flags to yourself. 

At a month in, seems like a lot of mental gymnastics.

It's not a matter of dumping the guy, but take a look at what you're accepting.

Is it good enough for you? 

Are you afraid to state your standards for his behavior because it highlights more incompatibilities?

Not staying true to yourself can be very damaging to your self esteem and mental health. It can take a long time and a lot of work to heal from. And it sucks because at the end of it all, you know you knew better. 

[Larissa1443]

1 minute ago, Lambert said:

 

Are you afraid to state your standards for his behavior because it highlights more incompatibilities?

Not staying true to yourself can be very damaging to your self esteem and mental health. It can take a long time and a lot of work to heal from. And it sucks because at the end of it all, you know you knew better. 

Yeah I always knew better.

And honestly, so much has changed from when I first met this guy and the impression I had of him to who he is now after finding out about the open relationship he used to have and etc. 

I think yes, I am scared to voice what I want and need because eventually that'll show how much we are on different stages and at the same time I don't want to be pushy... this isn't the girl I want to be. I want to feel safe and happy. 

[Tinydance]

9 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

I think we truly are incompatible. I think he's trying to make it work in a way that's good for both of us and I appreciate that

He came out of a serious monogamous relationship 7 months ago, so I can understand this guy wanting to explore possibilities and dynamics. I think even he doesn't really know what he wants and doesn't have a lot of experience with open relationships to start with. 

I, on the other hand, have been single for quite a long time, have explored my sexuality, have been with multiple different people, have been in open and closed relationships, I've done it all so I know what I want and what I don't want.

The difference is that this guy truly makes an effort to listen to me and my needs, most guys would just be like "yep, we don't work out, I'm done", but he stays and that's why it's been so confusing and hard to make a decision. 

Well what would you say you're looking for from a relationship? Like, for example do you want to settle down, marriage and kids later down the track? No problems if you're not looking for that specifically but I think just think about or make a list what you're looking for. I think it's important to date people who do match what you want and they want the same things. You can hope that the person will change their mind later or be on the same page but you actually don't know when/if that will happen.

I could be wrong but if this guy came out of a serious relationship seven months ago, that's somewhat recent? After that he was in another relationship as well and that relationship was open. To me that seems to show that he was still wanting to date different people and that's why it was open. Also a month ago he slept with that tattoo girl. And now he's with you. It seems after ending the serious relationship, he's "playing the field" as they say. He's seeing different women since he became newly single. 

Now he is also hanging out with "tattoo girl" again and going to her place. I think maybe this guy isn't necessarily looking for a serious relationship right now. Just because he said: "OK we won't see other people" doesn't mean he's actually in a serious relationship mindset. It seems like it was you that asked to be monogamous right?