Husband and I are at odds . Should I move on

[Big Stan]

On 4/11/2023 at 10:29 PM, Tiffany1981 said:

He was underemployed when I met him . When I met him , he was staying a office space for 300.00 without a bathroom and kitchen  with a part time remote data entry job .

 

Well there ya go.  This is the guy you married.  He is lazy and he wants to live a bare minimum life.  You aren't going to change him so you either sink to the bottom with him or take it as a lesson learned and move on. 

[Big Stan]

On 5/8/2023 at 7:00 PM, Batya33 said:

Did you check with an attorney if post nuptial agreements are even a thing? 

They are in every state of the USA as far as I know.  I looked into one for some asset accrual issues my wife and I had due to some inheritance issues.  We decided to forgo it and just put each other on respective accrued assets in a MAD sort of way.  Both of us have legal access to each other's so we both have incentive and leverage.  

I personally believe high fences make good neighbors and having the hard discussions like asset allocation in the unfortunate event of a divorce is a good thing and it shows that you are actually in a good place marriage wise.  Post nuptials are rare because the only real reason for them is like what happened in our case and most people do not come into unexpected assets after marriage like that.  

Most of this is off topic and I apologize for derailing to the OP but I just wanted to shed some light on post nuptials as I've looked into them pretty thoroughly in the past. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Big Stan said:

They are in every state of the USA as far as I know.  I looked into one for some asset accrual issues my wife and I had due to some inheritance issues.  We decided to forgo it and just put each other on respective accrued assets in a MAD sort of way.  Both of us have legal access to each other's so we both have incentive and leverage.  

I personally believe high fences make good neighbors and having the hard discussions like asset allocation in the unfortunate event of a divorce is a good thing and it shows that you are actually in a good place marriage wise.  Post nuptials are rare because the only real reason for them is like what happened in our case and most people do not come into unexpected assets after marriage like that.  

Most of this is off topic and I apologize for derailing to the OP but I just wanted to shed some light on post nuptials as I've looked into them pretty thoroughly in the past. 

I'm so glad you found an approach that worked for you!

[Tiffany1981]

On 5/29/2023 at 7:45 PM, Big Stan said:

Well there ya go.  This is the guy you married.  He is lazy and he wants to live a bare minimum life.  You aren't going to change him so you either sink to the bottom with him or take it as a lesson learned and move on. 

He said he wants to work it out . But he just doesn’t want to get a better job . I asked him again yesterday , if he could help out more financially . His response “im in a lot of debt “ I m trying to dig myself out of a hole “ when k ask him what bills is he behind , he tells me to “don’t worry about it “ when I ask him how much he makes he tells me to “mind my own business “ ..he doesn’t sleep in the same bed he sleeps on the couch  ..he doesn’t cuddle with me ..I can’t remember the last time he gave me like a passionate kiss , it’s probable been almost two years ..he tells me loves me but his actions doesn’t really speak it !!

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Tiffany1981 said:

 . I asked him again yesterday , if he could help out more financially . 

Stop giving him money.  Use your money to consult an attorney.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

He said he wants to work it out . But he just doesn’t want to get a better job . I asked him again yesterday , if he could help out more financially . His response “im in a lot of debt “ I m trying to dig myself out of a hole “ when k ask him what bills is he behind , he tells me to “don’t worry about it “ when I ask him how much he makes he tells me to “mind my own business “ ..he doesn’t sleep in the same bed he sleeps on the couch  ..he doesn’t cuddle with me ..I can’t remember the last time he gave me like a passionate kiss , it’s probable been almost two years ..he tells me loves me but his actions doesn’t really speak it !!

So his actions do not match his words as he doesn't want to be a team with you/partners with you.  I do think salaries in a marriage should be an open book and  this includes also deciding whether to look for a new job/switch fields/take an offer - the spouses should discuss among other factors whether the $ is better/same/less (less can be fine if there are other perks/more room for advancement/better work-life balance). But it's a discussion. 

We discuss these  things and I don't know my husband's exact salary but if I asked he'd tell me and we talk about it when it comes time for raises/bonuses, etc - we talk about how to approach those things too and he shares with me his career goals/plans etc.

My job is more settled for now in the sense that since I do more child care stuff I work part time and this part time job is perfect for our needs.  But in the future if I want to make a change in some fashion I will be discussing it with him and likely he will be the first person I speak to about it.    

And since we have that open approach I trust him to know what I need to know, what is minutae I don't need to know, what I might need to know but not right this second etc.  How can a marriage where one or both people work work any other way? I mean even with retired couples - you have to have a financial plan and understanding - like - how much $ can  I spend without first checking with my spouse?  

Have you two ever sat down with a financial adviser? His answers are unacceptable IMO.

 

[boltnrun]

I asked you this before but I'll ask again. You knew long before you married him that he isn't interested in financial security. If he never makes any adjustments are you willing to stay married to him for the rest of your life? If he continues to sleep on the couch and deny you affection, can you do without it forever?

[Jaunty]

13 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

He said he wants to work it out . 

Work what out?  From what you describe, there is not any relationship happening here, aside from the two of you living in the same space.  

I'm having trouble taking this seriously.

[Tiffany1981]

Just wanted to do a quick update ; a few days ago I basically told him , we need to go to counseling and he would need to be open about his finances and his life In general . I would require meeting his children and family if we are going to make it work . He told me verbatim that he do not trust me and I do not obey him so  go on and “do me “ since I don’t want to obey him , and so therefore he will not open up to me or be transparent about his finances nor will he be introducing  me to his kids . He also told me he will not take an STD test . So okay I am officially done . Then to add insult to injury , last night he drove lyft from11:00 pm-9:00 am . Around 11:00 am I decided to go run some errands , as I get in the car I see his wallet . I looked inside his wallet and I find three different hotel key cards . I just contacted the hotel to see if I can get the receipt smh . So
I’m pretty devastated right now ..can’t stop crying ..

[Jaunty]

I'm sorry you're going through this hurt but I can't help but think that it's a "blessing in disguise."  Pardon the cliche.  But you married a deadbeat, he's been true to form throughout your marriage, why would he go to marriage counseling?  

Why do you need the receipt though?  I don't think you can possibly think of any reasons to stretch out this unhappiness any further.  There is nothing good in it for you.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

I just contacted the hotel to see if I can get the receipt smh .

What is the point?

You need to contact a lawyer instead to start the divorce process. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Tiffany1981 said:

 . I looked inside his wallet and I find three different hotel key cards . I just contacted the hotel to see if I can get the receipt smh 

Unfortunately this doesn't tell you anything. Meeting his family won't help either nor will going to marriage therapy.

What you can do is contact an attorney for your options in divorce. You can research your finances such as your credit score, bank accounts credit cards etc. If you are legally married you are a financial unit and have access to joint assets and debts. 

You can go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell him. Please be forthcoming about your marriage and this "obedient" mentality he's talking about. 

You'll accomplish a lot more looking into your own financial status, getting your own therapist and getting your own attorney.

There's no such thing as "move on". Either you decide to contact an attorney and file for divorce or you continue the marriage while he stonewalls you.

You seem to keep trying to fix and change him with demands for meeting his family, marriage therapy and expecting him to change. 

You don't seem ready to divorce him for whatever reason. 

[redswim30]

On 5/30/2023 at 8:07 PM, Tiffany1981 said:

He said he wants to work it out . But he just doesn’t want to get a better job . I asked him again yesterday , if he could help out more financially . His response “im in a lot of debt “ I m trying to dig myself out of a hole “ when k ask him what bills is he behind , he tells me to “don’t worry about it “ when I ask him how much he makes he tells me to “mind my own business “ ..he doesn’t sleep in the same bed he sleeps on the couch  ..he doesn’t cuddle with me ..I can’t remember the last time he gave me like a passionate kiss , it’s probable been almost two years ..he tells me loves me but his actions doesn’t really speak it !!

OP, please leave this bum.  This isn't love.  You are being used and abused. 

You can't be in a marriage of one.   How can you help him if he won't give you information?  And if he isn't, the only reason is that he doesn't want to- likely because he has even more to hide that he'd rather you not know about. 

Also, if not working more/a better job what exactly does he think gets one OUT of debt?  Magic? 

Please start making an exit plan.  There's no happy ending for you with this man- sorry, CHILD.  

Please protect yourself and get away from this abuser.  You don't deserve this and you know it. 

[jul-els]

People won’t do anything to you that you don’t allow them to do. He is very comfortable making himself a burden to you. He is the wrong person for you and he’s treating you horribly. Respect yourself and remove him from your life. 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/10/2023 at 3:58 PM, Tiffany1981 said:

 he do not trust me and I do not obey him so  go on and “do me “ since I don’t want to obey him , and so therefore he will not open up to me 

Is he from a culture or cult where you are an obedient servant? Where is this coming from? Can you afford a divorce?