Seeing her with another guy has broken my heart

[fazersa]

I got out of a toxic relationship around a year and a half ago and have been missing my ex a lot lately, I've also seen her with another guy which hurt for me to see.  

 I see her around as we live close to each other, we first together 5 years ago but I broke it off as I found out she was engaged to someone else. During that time she got divorced and I stupidly took her back a few years later, she did admit to being in multiple relationships and talking to other guys since then.  

But I broke it off a year and a half ago We got close and had some nice moments but I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.  

Everytime we'd argue about it, she would always say that it's my fault that things are moving slow and that she doesn't like being with someone who can't commit.  

She would always say how she wants someone who loves her more than she loves themselves, that's not normal right?? And She always used to say that she wanted me to open up to her and tell her how I feel and that I can talk to her about anything if I'm ever upset.  

So I did when I mentioned that I didn't like how open she is with other guys, she said that she didn't want to be with anyone that's insecure just like her ex husband was (even though she'd already cheated on her ex husband with me which was unknown to me at the time, so he had a reason to feel insecure).  

I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face! I told her I'm not happy so we agreed to end it, I was confused at first cos she used to tell me that she misses me everyday and after that conversation she ended up blocking me off everything at the startwhich I thought was childish.  

After we broke up she messaged me on last Christmas day saying: 'I just wanted to message you to say that I hope you’re okay and that I feel as though I’m ready to stay as friends with you if that’s what you wanted.. I didn’t think I would ever be able to say that we could stay as friends but I feel like I’m in a good place and I know everything has worked out for the best and I would be really happy to have you as a friend But if you don’t want to hear from me that’s okay too just let me know x' I did reply to her saying that I don't think it's a good idea and I wished her well. She just replied with a simple 'that's fine no worries x'.  

I'm trying to not think about her messaging me, but I feel like I was really getting in to the healing process and was really focused on other aspects of my life such as my career. I know I deserve better but I see her quite often as we live near one another and I can't help but still feel hurt and a part of me still misses her. We were quite sexually active together and i think thats whats making me miss her more.  

 I do feel like I have enough anger for the way she treated me to be able to ignore her. I do still feel angry over the situation, not sure if that's normal or not. I have my own auto detailing business which I run on the side of my career and on the weekend, I have a social media page for it and I have set it as a public profile because it is only for business content and I never put anything personal on it.  

In the past when we'd argue, she'd always say that if we broke up it would be my loss.

I sometimes feel sad as I'm alone and haven't dated anyone since her, I often see her around and feel as though I miss her but I know those feelings are only from loneliness so I have every intention of staying away from her.  

I've tried keeping myself distracted by focusing on my career and business, she has tried messaging me a couple months back by sending some charity chain messages although they could be her way of breadcrumbing? I always see her around as we live near one another, there were times where I used to try and get her attention because I missed her but now I just feel angry because I feel like I let her get away with a lot.  

 I saw her a few months ago and she saw me too and she messaged straight after saying 'hope your good', i don't understand why would she do that I keep seeing her around and I know deep down I know I shouldn't let her get away with treating me do badly, I miss her and sometimes feel stuck.  

A couple of days ago I seen someone that looks like her with another guy but couldn't tell if it was actually her as it was from a distance, I don't know why I'm overthinking it but I think thats whats making me miss her more. 

 I miss her but I know she's not good for me, what do i do to actually realise that I deserve better and break the trauma bond?

[catfeeder]

10 minutes ago, fazersa said:

I kept noticing how open she is with other guys and how she'd claim that every other guy was interested in her, she kept pushing me for marriage and kept blaming me for moving too slow just because I didn't want to rush in to marriage.  

Credit yourself with being smart enough to break away from this one.

In my day she'd be called a 'Dig Me'. That doesn't make her a villain, but she appears to be all about attracting the focus of many even while feeding you just enough encouragement to keep you from walking away.

So glad to hear that you saw through that enough to walk away. Now you get to decide where to place your focus. If it remains on her, you may want to hire expert help to prevent you from wasting too much of your life, which you can never get back.

Head high.

[Cherylyn]

It would be mentally healthier for you to do a major disconnect with her meaning NC (no contact), block and delete her from your phone and social media.  Both of you need to go your separate ways so both of you can move on.

Don't be sad.  Feel relieved that it's NOT you with her because she did not give you a good life nor will she in the future.  She is too unstable.  Say to yourself,  "Good riddance!"

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, fazersa said:

 I found out she was engaged to someone else.  

Hopefully you can avoid running into each other. In the meantime delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Is this the same woman?:

 

[Kwothe28]

Have you posted the same story before under different username? Because I remember the same message that some other user posted and what his ex sent him

Anyway

2 hours ago, fazersa said:

I don't get why she'd tell me to talk to her about anything then end up throwing it back in my face!

With people like that "Open up to me" means "Tell me how much you love me". Any kind of other talk and showing weakness and it will be used against you. They are toxic so they dont want to hear anything else.

2 hours ago, fazersa said:

 I miss her but I know she's not good for me, what do i do to actually realise that I deserve better and break the trauma bond?

After that much time passing, therapy is a good option. It should help you in moving on and even maybe avoid the same patterns next time when you pick a partner.

[MissCanuck]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Have you posted the same story before under different username? Because I remember the same message that some other user posted and what his ex sent him

He must have. I have read this before, too. 

2 hours ago, fazersa said:

what do i do to actually realise that I deserve better and break the trauma bond?

Block her, and contact a good therapist. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Have you posted the same story before under different username? 

 

 

[Andrina]

With no contact, a person usually no longer thinks of an ex daily after about 4 months. You keep allowing contact, so each time, that sets you back to square one.

So step one is to block contact. Step two is to read up on how to gain self-worth. Otherwise, you will repeat the pattern of entering, and staying too long, in another toxic relationship.