Ended a "Friendship"

[soeverposh]

About two years ago, my friend of two decades (we are in our 30s) reached out to me. We followed each other on social media for years but ended up exchanging numbers. For about 6 months, we talked daily, from morning until the sun went down. Some of our conversations were intimate, but we also connected on a spiritual level. We fell in love. We considered each other soul mates. He lived about two hours from me and promised to come down after the holidays, but that never happened. A couple of weeks into the new year, I received a message explaining that he had been in a relationship the entire time we were talking. His reason so was that he was unhappy. I lost my mother a few months prior, so hearing this put me in a deeper depression. Another loss I have to cope with. I went on a rampage and deleted him from social media. I let him know it's best we don't contact each other for a while, so I can get my thoughts together. He agreed but was still messaging me almost every day.  The longest we went without talking was probably 2-3 days. He was putting in a lot of effort to keep our friendship going. I remember him asking (while he was on vacation with his SO) if I preferred we don't talk like we used to, because he misses my time and attention. I asked him why, because he can get that from his SO all the time. He never responded. Anyway, we communicated our feelings throughout the following months. He was more generous than me, for I was reluctant to share much since my trust had been broken. When I began to feel that the situation was behind us, I opened up more, but those feelings for him never disappeared. We still had feelings for each other.

Fast forward to a new year, and I am in a better space. Learning to forgive myself, and make peace within. However, our conversations have become limited. One night he sent me a picture of himself, it wasn't sexual. But let's just say it was not a picture a friend would send another, IMO. The next day I explained to him that talking every day/sharing photos isn't inappropriate. I have love for you but don't want to fall in love again. Our relationship needs to stay platonic. I set boundaries, and from there, his whole demeanor changed. I would attempt to start a conversation just to see how his day was going and get a one-word response. I asked if he was upset with me, and he reassured me that he wasn't, BUT our last conversation had some effect on him. He sent me a screenshot from his phone of a message I sent him a while back. I noticed he doesn't have my name saved on his phone. It is an abbreviated pseudonym for a topic we have discussed many times. I wrote a lengthy paragraph saying that if he has to hide our friendship from his significant other, we shouldn't be talking. I don't want him to jeopardize his relationship just to continue a friendship with me. It's sneaky. He might as well have me saved as Pizza Hut for all that. I want to continue to be his friend, but also don't care enough to fix the relationship because it feels one-sided now. I'm the one making the effort, and it is going unnoticed. He read the message, but I didn't wait for him to reply. I deleted the app. 

It's only been two weeks and a part of me wants to reach out to him. He's always been one to forgive, and understand. But I understand there is only so much a person can take. He said he was sorry for causing this many times, but I don't want to be known as the other woman. I don't have any plans to tell his SO, that is not my place. I want to make our friendship work but at the end of the day, I'm still hurt that he used me to cope with being unhappy. Maybe I'm not being realistic. If I knew my partner still talked to the individual they emotionally cheated on me with, I would expect them to cut that person off.

Really just wanted to get this off my chest.

[Batya33]

I'm sorry you are going through this.   I hope writing about it helped.  I think you are doing the right and honorable thing by staying away under the circumstances.  Good luck.

[Jaunty]

Sorry this happened.  I hope you learned something from it.  I haven't had a similar experience but I've sure learned over years of being on these relationship forums that "years of friendship" and "texting all day every day" for months / years with somebody you only know on social media is something to be avoided, unless you go into it fully aware that this is not associated with reality.  It's just a fun passtime on the Internet, which unfortunately becomes un-fun when real feelings get involved.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Sorry this happened.  I hope you learned something from it.  I haven't had a similar experience but I've sure learned over years of being on these relationship forums that "years of friendship" and "texting all day every day" for months / years with somebody you only know on social media is something to be avoided, unless you go into it fully aware that this is not associated with reality.  It's just a fun passtime on the Internet, which unfortunately becomes un-fun when real feelings get involved.

I thought they were in person friends all that time but then reconnected on social media? If I'm mistaken then yes I agree!

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your pain.  I feel for you because many times I too have the desire to reach out to someone after a relationship or friendship went awry for hurtful reasons.  Nowadays, I do what is right for my brain and not what my heart desires.  My brain's common sense trumps what my emotional heart prefers to do which tends to get me into trouble and history repeats itself. 

I've come to the conclusion that some people are incompatible and it's best to part ways and leave it there.  No sense revisiting by experiencing more risks or gamble only for it to have the propensity to fail again along with inflicted pain which one never forgets. 

Distrust is good because it protects you from experiencing the past all over again. 

People need to earn successful relationships.  If it failed in the past, there's a strong likelihood that it will fail again along with a world of hurt.  I tend to remain conservative nowadays so I can awake tomorrow without foolhardy regrets.  Estrangement equals peace. 

[Wiseman2]

59 minutes ago, soeverposh said:

 I noticed he doesn't have my name saved on his phone. It is an abbreviated pseudonym 

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately he was having an emotional affair. You'll have to reconsider his integrity. If he needs pseudonyms to hide you, it's best to cut him off.

Furthermore, investing this much time and emotion into an unavailable man is taking away from finding an honest man of your own.

[Kwothe28]

If you both fell in love in each other its not really a friendship. He wanted an affair, you wanted a connection. Its not a friendship from the start as you both wanted something else and dunno why you even agreed to stay friends after he blatantly lied to you about his girlfriend. "Setting your boundaries" and saying to yourself how you wont succumb to his charms and how its OK for him to contimue messeging you, doesnt really work like that. And it actively prevents you to move on from the whole situation. Moreover, what if you met somebody else in 2 years? Would they be fine with you keeping the contact with somebody who you are saying you fell in love before?

But its good that its over now. Block him on everything and dont tempt yourself to message further. He is not worth your time. 

[soeverposh]

14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Its not a friendship from the start as you both wanted something else and dunno why you even agreed to stay friends after he blatantly lied to you about his girlfriend. 

Yes, you are right. I guess I was trying to justify the fact we'd been friends for so long before this happened, I'll "be the bigger person" to forgive. But as you said, it prevented me from moving on from the hurt by continuing to communicate with him. Thank you for your advice!

[soeverposh]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Furthermore, investing this much time and emotion into an unavailable man is taking away from finding an honest man of your own.

Thank you! You are absolutely right! I can't get that time back, but I'll surely invest more time into myself.

[soeverposh]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

People need to earn successful relationships.  If it failed in the past, there's a strong likelihood that it will fail again along with a world of hurt.  I tend to remain conservative nowadays so I can awake tomorrow without foolhardy regrets.  Estrangement equals peace. 

I love this so much. Thank you for your advice. I'll definitely keep these words to heart.

[Cherylyn]

1 hour ago, soeverposh said:

Yes, you are right. I guess I was trying to justify the fact we'd been friends for so long before this happened, I'll "be the bigger person" to forgive. But as you said, it prevented me from moving on from the hurt by continuing to communicate with him. Thank you for your advice!

You are reminiscent of how I was during my naive years,  with all due respect.

I thought "be the bigger person,"  "take the higher road" and "forgive" was the ethical and moral course of thought and action.  That theory works great for storybooks and movies but not applicable nor practical for real life or so I've learned the hard and very painful way.  ☹️

Despite it not being my fault, I even went so far as to grovel and beg for mercy and forgiveness!  How foolhardy was that?  😒

Bad, negative and painful memories are good because it teaches and reminds you to be wary and jaded of some people who will have no qualms dispensing their cruelty to you yet again.  Those are harsh lessons learned.  "A leopard cannot change its spots." 

"Fool me once,  shame on me.  Fool me twice,  shame on you."   

When you move on by eliminating risky people from your life, you grow to feel protected, secure and safe in the new boundary bubble you've since created for yourself.  No one will harm you because you'll no longer allow it.  This is your new power so always wield it to your advantage. 

 

 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, soeverposh said:

He read the message, but I didn't wait for him to reply. I deleted the app. 

I admire you for doing this. What is any relationship in any form without honesty?

By omission the guy blocked your ability to identify his capacity for disloyalty to someone who trusts him and believes that his love and respect are honest.

What could possibly be in that for you? You don't need a disloyal manipulator in your life. 

My heart goes out to you for your loss of your Mother. I hope it will give you strength to move forward in ways that would make her proud.

Head high.

[MissCanuck]

Consider what "friend" would hide the fact that he has a signficant other. 

You two are not really friends, OP. I hate to break it to you, but if he had any respect for you, he would not have lied by omission from the very beginning. He led you to believe he was single - for months. In my books, that is not how a friend behaves. But it says a lot about how he sees you, as someone he can hide and use for his own entertainment when it suits him. 

8 hours ago, soeverposh said:

I want to make our friendship work

No. This is not a good guy. He is selfish and dishonest, and you have to ask yourself why you want to be friends with a walking red flag. Reconsider your own boundaries here.