How to move forward w/o losing?

[feelingtornbetween]

I’m stuck in between my boyfriend and my adult daughter. He wants me to move in with him in a new apt. full time which I discussed with him months ago. At that time I intended to sell my home (in a different town) by years end. However the transition has been very challenging for me. Giving up my home of 26 years and the comfort isn’t easy. I want to spend more time with him but it comes at a “cost”. We talked about buying a home together but everything is very expensive and he’s expecting me to pay half (even though he has a lot more money than me). My adult daughter wants me to ultimately move to her out of state. She discourages me going to my boyfriends apt. I could see myself renting near her later part time next year. I’ve coped with this by spending only certain weekends at the apt and encouraging him to come to my home on certain weekends. He really loves the apt in the area it’s in and I enjoy it too (but not as much as him). I know I should only do what makes me happy but it’s hard to figure that out given the pressure I feel from my bf and my daughter. How should I proceed?

 

[Wiseman2]

The last time you posted this, it seems your adult children are trying to protect you from being taken advantage of.

[Batya33]

Let things gel and sit.  Don't try to figure it out -live your life and do your daily routines and quiet your mind by not trying and see if that brings you more clarity. Do you two plan to marry? Why does he want to share physical space with you? I wouldn't combine any finances with him or buy property with him especially since you don't feel "all in" as far as living together. 

I would do what makes you feel at peace - not "happy" but at peace -- your daughter is on her own and independent so you have no caretaking responsibilities towards her but consider whether you feel you will need her to be involved in your care in the future and consider how you would feel if there was a rift - would you feel ok about it because your daughter is being too demanding/entitled or would you feel badly because your daughter sees red flags?

[catfeeder]

I'm staying with my opinion from the last time you posted this. Your daughter is looking out for you, your BF is looking out for himself.

Have you noticed?

[boltnrun]

Does this boyfriend expect you to use the proceeds from your home sale to buy this new house? Would it completely wipe out all the money you make from the sale? 

Has your daughter expressed any reservations regarding your boyfriend? If so, what are they and why?

[Andrina]

How old are you? How long have you been dating your bf? What is his relationship history? Do you work?

How far away does your daughter live? Can you drive or is it a plane ride trip?

How's your self-esteem? In good condition, or does it need improving? Without knowing anything else, when you're not 100 percent confident in buying a house together under his terms, definitely don't.

What are the negative traits your friends and loved ones are concerned about in regards to your bf, if any?

Would be helpful to know if you want more informative answers.

[DarkCh0c0]

Boyfriend and daughter's opinions aside, what do YOU want? Remove all the pressure, put your hand on your heart, and close your eyes. Just ask yourself and answer honestly. "What do I want? What makes ME happy? What am I worried, confused or inadequate about? What can I do about that?".

Whatever you do, be true to yourself and slow down the people-pleasing.

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Whatever you do, be true to yourself and slow down the people-pleasing.

Yes, if you love your home and can afford to maintain it, keep it and stand your ground. 

If you cannot afford to remain in your home, sell, get your own place, and if BF wants to move in with you, charge him a fair rent.

But pretzeling yourself for someone who would never do the same makes no sense. Worse, investing your money with him would be a huge mistake.

[smackie9]

Your BF ain't worth it...not even worth giving up your home and comfort of 26 years. No bloody way. If things go sideways in your relationship you could stand to lose everything. You worked hard to have what you have. Never let a man make you change any of that. As for your daughter...she sees something bad going on with your BF's intensions. She is trying to stop you from making a terrible mistake. 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/30/2022 at 2:17 PM, Blue_Skirt said:

Is this an update of the thread “How to deal with transitioning without so much anxiety and angst?” that you wrote under user name tryingtotransition3009?

Yes it does seem like the same situation.

[Capricorn3]

Multiple accounts not allowed. Closed.