Dating After 50 and Being OK With Being Alone

[girltalkCA]

I'm a 49 year old lesbian, feeling very frustrated on the verge of hopeless about the dating scene and finding quality people out there. I'm on multiple dating apps, go to Meet Ups and have had several relationships that have all lasted 1-3 years and ended. I'm trying to take some time to be by myself and "date me" so that I don't repeat the same cycle of settling for the wrong woman. I've date avoidant types, bi polar...etc... My friends tell me I am a great person with a lot to offer and I feel the same way, but just haven't been able to find the right match thus far.

Does anyone have any advice or can share their stories with dating and turning things around and find healthier/more compatible matches? 

 

[Batya33]

My older sister dated after 50 -she divorced in her 40s.  I paid for her to subscribe to a dating site and she met him that way and they dated for 7 years. Eventually he wanted marriage and she did not so they broke up.  Seems to me you're highly attracted to sort of train wreck types maybe? The drama, the challenge of trying to be someone's hero/fix them?  Date people instead of projects so you don't limit your dating pool and/or your satisfaction/compatibility.  

I was single till I was 39 or so and I was never alone when I was single -why are you alone? I was mostly ok with being single and sometimes happy and I knew my long term goal was to be married. I never ever considered myself alone -I had family and friends.  For me it was hard to be single because I also wanted a child and was not willing to conceive a child outside of a stable marriage or at least nearly so (we conceived before we got married, we got married before I had our son).  

So come to terms with why not being in a relationship means you are alone -where does that come from?

[lostandhurt]

I just read through all of your thread titles on ENA.  Being alone seems to be a theme.

The crux of your issue looks to be that you are afraid of being alone and as you age the fear slowly increases.

Have you ever honestly written down your deepest fears?  Reading your words you seem to know the answer but for whatever reason cannot or will not do what it takes to make it happen.

If you are so afraid of being alone you will settle every time. Doesn't matter if the person is distant, Bi Polar, abusive or what ever you will tolerate it or ignore it until you cannot any longer and then end it and start over again.

Being not just okay with being single but actually thriving as a single person is what you need to strive for.  A person dying of thirst will drink from the most disgusting puddle to satisfy their thirst but a person with a full bottle of clean water will walk past the dirty puddle hardly noticing it.  You need to fill up your water bottle so to speak.

Instead of looking at being single as a bad thing you need to find a way to be okay with why not flip that around and view it through a new lens where being single allows you more freedom, more control over your own life, more peace, more personal joy, more financial freedom, more empowerment and on and on.  Let's say you met a woman like I just described, would she want to date you?  She can be selective and take her time and is in no way looking to fill a void in her life but she would like to ADD to and SHARE her life with someone.  

 Although I am a man and do pretty well when I chose to date I have been single for way longer than I thought I would be.  It isn't for lack of options but I have a fear too.  Just last night I met some old colleagues for a beer and ran into an old friend and we caught up. I asked him if he was single and he told me he wasn't looking but is open to the idea and of course he asked me the same.  I told him I would like to be in a relationship but I am afraid of screwing up my peaceful life and he nodded in agreement and told me EXACTLY!!!  I need to stop being afraid of screwing up my pretty awesome single life and you need to build an awesome single life so when you meet someone in the same situation you can share your lives.  Easier said than done I know but I am confident you can do it one step at a time.

 Be brutally honest and tell us your deepest fears and how they hold you back.

 Lost 

[smackie9]

You know what you have to offer but are you really comfortable in your own skin? I think you are onto something and that is to really discover YOU, ... just being happy being with yourself. When you feel happy, and not worried about finding someone to give you fulfillment but found fulfillment within yourself, you will definitely attract the right kind of person. It's all about the vibe you give off, like self assurance, self worth, confidence, positivity. At any stage of life, self discovery, self improvement, and making changes, is good. I'm sure there are plenty of books, videos, influencers to inspire you, to start you on this new journey.

[Andrina]

Sounds like you're doing some things right, and have done some things wrong. Very normal, and I did the same when I was in the dating world.

Yeah, since decent, attractive people are snapped up quickly, sometimes it involves a bit of luck in meeting the right person when they're single yet having enough distance from a relationship to not be rebounding.

Seems as though you continued with deal breaking issues from former partners, likely hoping in vain there would be improvement. You gave them chances you shouldn't have.

To feel more concrete about a plan, write a list down of must-haves and dealbreakers and stick to it when dating. Cut people off as soon as you see the dealbreaker.

In that way, you won't waste 1 or more years on partners who possess dealbreakers. You have to date a boatload of people to find the one who meets all of your main needs. So yeah, this process will take a lot longer when you're not cutting off the losers ASAP.

Reading "The Secret" by Rhonda Byrne helped me gain a more positive mindset during the process. Good luck.

[smackie9]

Yes "The Secret" it a good place to start. I watched the video, and it made a lot a sense.

[Lambert]

there was a new York times article about lonely people and the fear.

What i got from it and think, as a single straight women- one day you're here, one day your not. 

But you have to live all the days you're here- whatever happens.

Do what you can to enjoy your time for you. Practice doing that.  Getting up,  asking yourself what's on my agenda for today? 

I think dating and relationships are important. Like you, I really hope to meet a loving guy I can spend time with... and that does require not only trying to meet, meeting and rejecting a lot of potentials.

Taking time to yourself has many benefits to your life. The more likely you are to enjoy your own company, the better company you are for others. And the more likely you are to protect your peace.

You gotta reject what you don't want. Don't try to make lemonade out of pickles. 

[catfeeder]

4 hours ago, Andrina said:

You have to date a boatload of people to find the one who meets all of your main needs. So yeah, this process will take a lot longer when you're not cutting off the losers ASAP.

Exactly what I was thinking.

Most people are NOT our match. This is true for EVERYone. So wasting time trying to convert bad matches into a good one is a horror show. (And it will age you.)

If you want to feel better about being single, consider the time you've spent with the wrong partner. That's hell on earth. Hopefully, you've at least found some relief once you went solo again in contrast.

Allowing bad matches to pass early frees you up to find the right person. Sure, it's a needle in a haystack, so it requires the most important life skill we can develop--resilience.

The more resilient we learn how to become, the less we feel a 'need' for a partner, and the more the idea becomes like icing on your cake.

I can appreciate Lost's post about being hesitant to interfere with his already-good life. I'm in the same position. When you're thriving solo, you become careful about who you're willing to bring into your life. This doesn't make it harder to find dates, but it sure makes you unlikely to settle for unhappiness with anyone for any length of time.

Relationships don't bring happiness, but rather, happy people have happy relationships.

 

 

[treasure_island]

Don't date projects. Date someone that is good to your heart and your soul. That you can build a peaceful, flourishing life with. You have to make a list of your must have's and dealbreakers to get to your goal faster and not waste time. But of course also have realistic expectations. I know it's frustrating.....I'm going through the same thing. But right now I'm at a point where I'm happily single and taking care of myself, and not dating just anyone that comes my way, just because I wanna be with someone. It's somewhat liberating to know that I don't have to deal with relationship bs. But don't get me wrong, I also love being in relationships, as long as it's healthy and deep. But right now I'm not that lucky. But I make the best out of it.

Keep yourself busy and do things you truly enjoy doing. I know it's cliche but these things really enrich your life. Become obsessed with a topic, or some sort of activity. Read about it, learn about it. Shoot a text to an old friend to catch up.  Enjoy nature, make meal plans and cook new recipes. Bake cookies and bring them to work. Your coworkers will appreciate it. If they go to happy hour after work, join them. Therapy can help too. Helps you dissect everything to look at things more objectively. 

All I know is life is short, and it's meant to be enjoyed (without hurting anyone in the process). What were the chances that your parents met in the past and got together? Then it took 1 out of the millions of sperm and 1 of the 100s and 1000s of eggs, and you were created? Chances were actually very low that you were created, but it happened and here you are! Healthy! Life is truly a gift.

Ok. I'm getting way too philosophical. But it's true..