Someone that I used to know passed away

[1a1a]

I found out via a group message on Facebook. 
 

I suppose it is good community that I was included in the loop, I appreciate that. Imagine just not knowing?!

 

But also this person faded me out of their life over a decade ago.
 

He was important to me when I was just stepping into adulthood. The reason I moved out from home, my first housemate, the person who showed me around the local music scene and got me into environmental and social justice. A formative figure if you will. I had the maddest crush on him but his feelings lay elsewhere and I was happy to connect with him as a friend. 
 

He got heaps more involved in activism for the local indigenous community and the last time we did something together I got the feeling that he didn’t want to hang with me, wrong ancestral heritage (you know writing this now there was probably a bit of projection on my part too but what is done is done and he certainly never made any effort to stay in touch when I did so, naturally drifted apart.) I felt so hurt and snubbed I kind of checked out of the friendship and it faded. 

 

I feel like I should be sad but I feel nothing. Perhaps I grieved the loss of this person long ago. I’ve been added to a Facebook group where people are sharing their stories. It’s really sweet. Seems like he made an impact all over Australia in the best way. (And it stings a little because that wasn’t my experience with him.)

 

Ah well, I’m certainly glad I met him, he was a good influence. 

[Kwothe28]

Its OK. People grief on different ways. Some cry a lot, some dont cry at all, some feel closer to person the others dont, its all part of the process. You lost contact years ago, so its natural that you dont feel connected to him. But you still remember him and grief for him in a certain way. That is OK. Grief in your own way.

Sorry for your loss.

[Seraphim]

I am sorry for your loss. It is good you have good memories of him . 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I feel like I should be sad but I feel nothing. Perhaps I grieved the loss of this person long ago. I’ve been added to a Facebook group where people are sharing their stories. It’s really sweet. Seems like he made an impact all over Australia in the best way. (And it stings a little because that wasn’t my experience with him.)

Yes, I think that's extremely reasonable. When my father died (13 years ago), I was in therapy at the time (for something else). I definitely felt some sadness, but surprisingly not a lot. Mainly I felt peace.

My therapist asked me why I thought that was, and I said exactly what you said here: I mourned his loss a long time ago. I completely surprised myself with that insight. But when I thought about it, it made sense: My dad was absent for most of my life. Often for years at a time. The kid that missed him grew up, learned to live without him, and made her peace with that. She healed.

I don't think you feel nothing; I think you feel peace. You healed. You are perfectly sensitive to the sadness (and sweetness and pain) of the situation. It's just not rocking your world. That probably seems odd, and not as it's supposed to be. But I think it's perfectly ok. 

I'm sorry for your loss.

[Batya33]

I’m sorry for your loss. I had a close friend who ghosted me in 2017. I also knew her husband independent of her and my husband knew him too. Coincidence but also we’re in related fields. I was still friendly with certain of her friends and family members on Facebook and knew them years ago in real life. I didn’t know her husband had cancer. I found out he died on Facebook.
Even though my friend had ghosted me I contacted her to express condolences and ask what charity I could donate to in his memory. She replied.

And I think then blocked me on Facebook. Or maybe she already had. so to be honest I do care that he passed  away. I feel awful for his kids.
 

Given her ghosting and treatment of me I honestly don’t think of her often and whether she’s doing ok.
 

Financially I know she is for sure. I don’t ask mutual friends about her. Typically I’d care a lot about the widow but I don’t in this situation. We were good friends for over 10 years. 

so it’s complicated. I agree. It’s ok that you’re not having so called typical reactions.  So called. 

[catfeeder]

On 11/24/2022 at 3:15 AM, 1a1a said:

Perhaps I grieved the loss of this person long ago.

Yes, this is likely so. I'm sorry that you lost your friend in such a way that hurt you, and it's understandable that you feel conflicted today.

My heart goes out to you.

[1a1a]

*thoroughly appreciates peoples words*

After posting this I was reflecting on the friendship that was, or, not even the friendship, what did this person bring into my life? And before we faded out he brought some things that ended up being corner stones of who I am today (venturing out into the music scene, making the move to the city, becoming interested in and committed to sustainable living, ecological and social justice. Most of this stuff he embodied at a 10, and me, it's a lower number but it's still there and they are things about myself I like.)

So I dug out an recording of an old band of his and said something to that effect and made a post on the commemorative group page. (I teared up a bit doing this so maybe there is some sadness there.)
 

 

[Batya33]

Maybe consider donating to an appropriate non profit in his memory?

[1a1a]

I adore this idea!