Should I care?

[Blacksheep09]

I've had a friend since high school and were now in our 30's. I live in another province and come to town to visit 1-2 times a year. I don't talk to her on the phone. The only communication I have with her throughout the year is via snapchat videos and the odd text. She still has this weird possessiveness over me whenever I come to town and always needs to be included in every plan I have even though she's not friends with some of my friends. She was acquaintances in high school but that's it. It's like she doesn't understand that I want to spend time with my friends without her. She used to caused a lot of drama and pointless fights but she's gotten better over the years. But even recently she'll reply to snapchats of mine with passive aggressive comments like "not that you keep me in the loop" and stuff. I would cut her off no problem if she wasn't such a great person and she loves her friends and is loyal as hell. It's just so annoying to have to deal with someone who can't take ownership of her own self growth or lack there of. We are 33 years old! She's the type of person that invites herself to weddings and says "I better be in your wedding party" to people who didn't plan on it and ended up having her in their party because of her comments! I'm getting married in a year and I can already feel the forceful energy coming from her. I just don't get how she can't read the room. I have 3 best friends whom I am close with and talk to every day and she is NOT one of them! What do I do? She is so sensitive

[Andrina]

There are plenty of books and articles about establishing relationship boundaries, so I'd definitely read some of them. From what I know about boundaries, you don't engage in those arguments such as when she said you don't keep her in the loop. If she says this in person, you cut the visit short--you leave or ask her to leave. If on social media, you don't reply and end the conversation abruptly. 

A person needs to learn to treat you right, or risk losing the right of your presence in their lives.

You have to have a spine and run your life the way you want to, and if she gets mad, she will have to do so without you being an audience to that.

If she asks you why the change of behavior from you, be honest. You feel the way you feel, and if she can't handle it, she can walk away. If you get to the point where the bad outweighs the good, you can choose to let the friendship go.

Friendships often evolve, changing in form, whether for the good, bad, or otherwise. Don't feel like every friend deserves forever in your life.

Good luck!

[Kwothe28]

I dunno, I always saw it that there are friends and aquitances. Friens are somebody who you are close with and talk and see all the time. Aquitances are somebody like her. Who you hear from once in a while and see maybe few times a year. I think its perfectly fine to not have her as a maid at your wedding(if you thought about that with "3 friends you are more close") or even at the party if the party is smaller kind. She should understand and accept it no matter how hard it is for her.

Because like this you are not really doing yourself a favor. There is no clear boundary so she does thinks you are friends. Stop indulging her behavior. If you want to include her in your plans, do it, if not, just dont. She will never "get a hint" when you are acting that you are a good friend with her and playing into her "passive agressivness".

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Blacksheep09 said:

 I have 3 best friends whom I am close with and talk to every day and she is NOT one of them! What do I do? She is so sensitive

Reset your privacy settings on all your social media. Unfortunately you're oversharing with her and this inadvertantly gives her the impression that your friendship is more than you want it to be. 

She can't intrude if you close door on her access to your life on social media.

It's not always about who needs to change, it's about managing who your friends vs acquaintances are and how much exposure and sharing you engage in.

[jul-els]

This is all about what you want, it’s not about sparing her feelings just so you can be uncomfortable. If you don’t want her in your life anymore, then so be it. Stop responding to her. It’s your responsibility to maintain your inner circle. 

[moodindigo91]

If she is just an acquaintance like you say then I wonder why she is so invasive? Did you date her in the past? If you never really spent a lot of time with her as a friend and developed a close relationship with her as a friend, I have a hard time understanding why she feels like she needs to keep tabs on you. 

And, to be fair, I would probably not invite "acquaintances" to my wedding anyway. It sounds like you never established any clear boundaries with her. It also sounds like she has a very different understanding of the level of closeness of your relationship. It seems like she views you as a friend, or even more than a friend. While you claim she is just an acquaintance to you. If she were just an acquaintance to you, I also don't understand how her behavior could be causing you so much stress; if you're having minimal contact with her, you should not be stressed by whatever she's doing. 

It sounds like you need to be clearer with her. And if she is causing you this much distress, then I don't see why you'd want to keep her in your life. People can be wonderful and great people, that doesn't mean you need to be friends with them. 

[catfeeder]

On 11/10/2022 at 4:30 PM, Blacksheep09 said:

I would cut her off no problem if she wasn't such a great person

Well, she doesn't behave like a great person. And you enable the behavior.

You're old enough to check a person who intrudes on your privacy. You can be kind even while you are clear, "Hername, it's sounds as though I need to clarify the degree of respect for privacy that I view as natural and reasonable for adult friends. When I come into town, I'd love for us to set up a time or two to see one another. Beyond that, I don't feel a need for us to be accountable to one another."

If Hername responds with a tantrum, ignore it. That's how experts advise adults to treat toddlers who tantrum, and it works just as well with adults. Either she values you enough to preserve your friendship with respect, or not. If so, she'll grow up and deal with your boundaries. If not, then you are far better off admiring her 'greatness' from far away.

 

[Cherylyn]

In the past, she caused a lot of drama and pointless fights but that's all in the past.  Her sarcastic comments such as "not that you keep me in the loop" are uncalled for.  However, you mentioned that she's a great person,  loves her friends and extremely loyal.  Inviting herself to weddings is forceful and rude. 

I'm going against the grain here.  It sounds to me that she's very lonely and begging for your friendship.  If you can't find it in your heart to be her friend then don't be. 

Or,  how about some compassion and be her friend?  You can see her briefly whenever you come to town.  You can tell her that even though you'll see her briefly, you prefer not to text frequently throughout the year.  You can enforce healthy boundaries with her.  You don't have to talk to her frequently, text, email or any of it as long as you specify your requests.  Tell her that you would appreciate her honoring and respecting your wishes.  Once she's your friend, I'd invite her to your wedding.  I feel for your acquaintance because a long time ago, I was very unpopular and lonely.  ☹️People want to feel accepted and included;  not excluded. 

If she's gotten better over the years,  why not give her a second chance?  People change and they mature as they grow up.  If you discover that her idiosyncrasies are intolerable, tell her that both of you are incompatible and it's best for both of you to go your separate ways permanently.  I'd at least give her a chance to prove to you that she can be a nice friend who practices self control and discretion.  If the friendship fails, then call it quits. 

Btw, someone called me "so sensitive" back in the day.  It didn't feel too good.  Actually, those words felt rather insulting and hurtful.  It stung.

 

[Tinydance]

Well I'm a pretty honest person in terms of letting my feelings known. Usually if I want to say something then I will say it, but I try to say it in a more gentle and polite way. I mean, if you wanted to actually end the friendship then you could probably just slow fade her over time. But seeing as you're not going to end it, have you tried actually talking to your friend about these issues?

Maybe next time she makes any of those comments, just say to her that you're trying to make time to catch up with everyone. Not that you need to explain yourself but maybe just say you sometimes enjoy catching up with people one-on-one and not inviting everyone to everything together. Just say it's nothing personal but she doesn't know your other friends much so that's why you just want to see her on her own.

If she doesn't stop acting like this after you have the talk with her then I would probably actually reconsider being friends with her. If she doesn't know your other friends then she shouldn't be expecting to be invited along. Inviting yourself to people's weddings is also rude. You should wait to be invited. 

Do you catch up with her when you come back to town? If you don't really catch up with her and you also don't talk to her much otherwise, are you sure there's any point having this friendship? I mean, you have other friends and you said yourself this woman is not a close friend.

I think it's OK to just keep someone as an acquaintance but it only works if they're OK with their acquaintance status. If you think they're an acquaintance but they actually see you as a close friend and they're trying to push you and guilt you, then it can become a problem.