My parents are turning my brother's study abroad semester into a vacation for themselves.

[SopranoLover]

So, just for context, my parents have always been the overprotective type. But this recent move they pulled really bothered me.

My brother and I were texting the other day about him possibly doing study abroad in the future. He said he'd like to try it and would talk to advisors soon to learn more about it. He's been studying Japanese for a few years, really admires the culture, and has always wanted to visit.

I've been trying to encourage my brother lately to expand his horizons, because he's been homeschooled all his life and very, very sheltered (starting college last year was his first time being around other people besides my parents on a daily basis, let alone students his age). My parents stopped me from studying abroad when I was in college and I regret letting it happen, so I thought it'd be great if my brother had the experience.

I expected my parents to shut things down for him too, but I had hope. Maybe they changed, loosened up a bit by now.

But I called my parents the other day, and my brother definitely told my parents about our conversation, because they suddenly announced that they were all planning a 3-week vacation in Japan next summer, and wanted to invite me. The timing was too convenient.

I mentioned casually, "Oh, yeah, we were just talking about him studying abroad there" and they confirmed my suspicions that they got word of it and basically cancelled my brother's study abroad semester, and will instead just travel in Japan for a few weeks vacation where they could tag along.

Sure, he'd still get to visit Japan, but it's not the same. The whole point of studying abroad is to stand on your own two feet, grow independent, and to immerse yourself in a country for half a year while studying. All of that is over now. Now, they are trying to turn it into a tourist trap vacation for the whole family.

I said to them it would be better if my brother studied there by himself instead. They said, "that's not happening." I told them plainly it's not up to them, it's my brother's choice. They got quite upset and insisted he's never going alone, "it's not safe."

I feel they are stifling him yet again, but, hey what do I know.

[Wiseman2]

How old is your brother? Who's paying for all this education and these trips?

No one is stopping your brother. He can apply for scholarship programs. 

It's great you can talk to your brother, but he doesn't have to go to Japan to be more independent. He can simply move out. You don't need to be his academic or social advisor.

If your parents are inviting you and you wish to go as a family then go and enjoy. Otherwise if you are old enough, go on vacations with friends instead.

[Batya33]

I think you have to stop interfering.  You and your brother are different people.  Perhaps they have information about him, about this abroad program, about Japan that, as adults, they choose not to share with you because it's none of your concern.  Or perhaps it's them being overprotective but they are the parents. Not you.  They would be paying for it, right? He can study abroad at a different time, live abroad when he is on his own -he can save money to do that -my friend and his new wife did that -they quit their jobs right before marrying and for a year they traveled the world together with $ they had saved and did it as inexpensively as possible. Her parents were extremely overprotective and she went anyway.

You're an insider -you're in the family -but to some extent you are an outsider.  Very soon we have to decide whether to let our son go on his first overnight camping trip with his class- he is 13. 

He's never been away overnight (partly because of covid -that camping trip was cancelled, he was going to go) - and we have friends/family who say he "has to go" for the experience and others who have reasons why maybe why not -but we are the parents. We are the ones who get to make the choice and we have a lot more inside information than outsiders do. 

So for example my mother shared her opinion -I asked! -but she is very respectful that it is our decision as a family.  You are in the family- yes- but you are not the parent. You are also not paying for this.  You mean well but right now you are overstepping IMO.  Do things differently when you are a parent if you wish.  Good luck!

[SopranoLover]

It's true there is nothing I can do about it. I understand you don't have the full context because this is just one post, but my parents' motivation is control, not any secret knowledge they have about my brother or the study abroad program. (Especially as Japan is statistically much safer than the United States.) This is just one more thing in a long history of smothering things they have done. 

It's hard to sit by and watch them take away what could be such an enriching experience for him. They would be paying either way, for the vacation or this study abroad program, so money is not an issue. 

I am 25 and my brother is 20. We're all adults, so it's even more disturbing to see them do this to him in his adulthood. They no longer have a say in what he can or can't do, which is why it's disheartening to see my brother believe that he still has to roll over and do what they say. That's why they forced him to go to a college close to home and commute every day. No moving away from home "allowed."

If a study abroad program could happen in the future, I will encourage my brother to find scholarships and take the semester independently of my parents. As for moving out now, you can guess what my parents' response to that will be. 

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, SopranoLover said:

They no longer have a say in what he can or can't do,

This statement is contradicted by this statement:

18 minutes ago, SopranoLover said:

They would be paying either way, for the vacation or this study abroad program, so money is not an issue. 

So yes, they absolutely do have control if they're paying.

The only way for him to have complete independence from his parents is to move out and pay his own way.

[moodindigo91]

I say that it's really none of your business. I wonder if you realize that you're sort of mirroring your parents' with your behavior. You're being over-protective of your brother. If your brother wants you to interfere, he will ask (although, in my opinion, he shouldn't). He needs to learn to stand up for himself, and make his own decisions.

[SopranoLover]

33 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This statement is contradicted by this statement:

So yes, they absolutely do have control if they're paying.

The only way for him to have complete independence from his parents is to move out and pay his own way.

You are right. I will have to sit on the sidelines and watch them stamp out vital life experiences for him. 

[SopranoLover]

16 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

I say that it's really none of your business. I wonder if you realize that you're sort of mirroring your parents' with your behavior. You're being over-protective of your brother. If your brother wants you to interfere, he will ask (although, in my opinion, he shouldn't). He needs to learn to stand up for himself, and make his own decisions.

He does. But I know it will take years, and might not ever happen. Frankly, my brother is brainwashed. He literally has known nothing else. This latest overprotective move by them is just the tip of the iceberg of stuff they've pulled. And my brother has been homeschooled and extremely isolated all his life, so to him, their control and tagging along to every little thing he does is normal. Finally getting out of that world myself, I see from the other side how much life they've stolen/are stealing from him.

But there is nothing I can do about it. It's sad to watch, but all I can do is watch.

[moodindigo91]

7 minutes ago, SopranoLover said:

but all I can do is watch

You can offer him encouragement, brotherly advice, share with him your experiences with your parents and finding your own independence, etc. But I wouldn't get more involved than that.

[SopranoLover]

8 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

You can offer him encouragement, brotherly advice, share with him your experiences with your parents and finding your own independence, etc. But I wouldn't get more involved than that.

I agree. That's what the study abroad recommendation was for, to encourage him to expand his horizons. But I pretty much see my brother will have to go through the same painful process--being controlled and brainwashed until he breaks out of it and recovers after making it to the other side. Aside from suggestions, I'll move on.

[Lambert]

I think the only thing you can do is talk to your brother.

If this is a problem for him, of course you can encourage him to talk to your parents, offer to go with him to talk to them, or to help him find resources, if the parents control the choice through costs.

but this is not the opportunity for you to right a regret you have. 

When I went to college I was torn- living at home or going away. One of my parents supported either way, the other made it clear they wanted me to live at home. 

Long story short- I stayed at home.  I don't regret it. Looking back, I was a little too scared to go on my own just yet. In the long run, my parents were able to afford my tuition, I had zero loans and I didn't have to work through college. I had a booming social life & time to be a student only.  I look back on it fondly. Is it what someone else would pick?  I don't know... but it was my choice. 

Had I really wanted to go, I would have appreciates an older siblings support.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, SopranoLover said:

You are right. I will have to sit on the sidelines and watch them stamp out vital life experiences for him. 

He's 20 - if he wants to do this he can get a job and save and pay for a semester abroad or similar experience.

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

I wonder if you realize that you're sort of mirroring your parents' with your behavior.

I'd spend some time reflecting on the above sentence. 

I totally understand your frustrations here and probably share much of your perspective, as I'm hardwired by upbringing, experience, and disposition to value independence and exploration, and to be skeptical of parents who skew into the over-protective category, especially with their adult children. 

Still, it seems in many ways here that you are trying to do the thing you are upset at your parents for doing, which is to control another person's life and/or validate your own views by implementing them to someone who is not you. You have a narrative of what is corrosive to your brother (your parents, their ways) along with what would be curative (study abroad, untethering) to say nothing of a diagnosis as to why he can't see what you can (homeschool, brainwash).

Convincing stuff. But it's just your story, no different than how the story your parents tell  to support their choices and perspective makes perfect sense to them. As your brother gets older, his own story will come into clearer focus, as it does for all of us. The best support you can offer him—and maybe something your parents are lacking from their own arsenal—is to have faith that he will find his true footing, rather than think of his footing as something you have to find for him. 

[boltnrun]

Another thing to keep in mind is, you don't want to pressure your brother to your point of view so hard that he ends up resisting and siding with your parents AGAINST you. Definitely wouldn't want to engender a "them versus you" mentality. Be supportive of your brother no matter what path he chooses.

I was vehemently opposed to my brother marrying his second wife. She was nothing but trouble in my opinion. But my brother loved her and wanted her, so I kept my thoughts to myself. Some might say that was wrong, that I should have warned him, that it was irresponsible of me to keep my concerns to myself. But I knew the greater risk was in alienating him to the point of not being able to have a relationship with him. And when his marriage crashed and burned I was able to be there for him in a way that didn't involve saying "see, I told you so!" That wouldn't have been helpful at all. 

So just be supportive, give your advice and opinions only when asked, and maintain your loving relationship with your brother. At some point he'll make a decision one way or another and you'll be able to be there for him, whichever way he chooses. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, SopranoLover said:

I am 25 and my brother is 20. That's why they forced him to go to a college close to home and commute every day. No moving away from home "allowed." As for moving out now, you can guess what my parents' response to that will be. 

Do you live at home? What you could do is help him find scholarships for any sort of university he could dorm at.  If he is good academically or in sports he could get a full ride or a lot of financial support. No one has to go to Japan to cut the apron strings.

Many 20 year-olds still live at home particularly students. Does he have any sort of part-time job? Make sure your issue with your parents is not seeping out onto him. Try not to make him the battleground with issues with your parents.

[Cherylyn]

I hear you.  However, there's nothing you can say nor do to change your parents' minds regarding whatever they decide to do or not do.  That is their decision and free will to do as they please even though you don't agree with their actions.  I'm sorry.  It's frustrating. 

[Mammalyssa]

I've seen this same behaviour in my 27 yo cousin, who has no life skills because his mother does everything for him. She asks us to 'look after him' if she's going away somewhere and our last response to that was... he's a 27 yr old man, he doesn't need a babysitter! 

However... I have realised that as much as I try to encourage him he still sits back and allows his mother to baby him. It's all he's known and it's what he's comfortable with. 

What it will take is for HIM to make the big moves. I totally understand your concern, but by trying to intervene on the sidelines your brother now has two sets of people trying to make decisions for him. If he ever wants to be free and independent he will have to do this one on his own. All you can do is keep encouraging him. 

[Jaunty]

Do you live on your own?  Include your brother in some things with you and your interesting  friends.  That way he can experience some of the things that young adults can be doing besides spending all their time with the 'rents.  

He's only 20 and probably socially behind for his age, since he's had few chances to learn.   There is plenty of time for him to get his feet under him, just like you did.