Need male perspective

[Denise0203]

Wow I saw my post from about a year ago (seems longer ago!).  I was so happy and full of joy, but that relationship ended. (Briefly, I am a widow, and a high school classmate (my crush no less) contacted me out of the blue and we dated) Then  I got ghosted.  Not after a date (which would make more sense), but right in the middle of some intimate, affectionate texts which he initiated.  I later heard from mutual friends he does that, he has some anxiety disorder where he just stops communicating completely.

I actually was not interested in a relationship after my husband’s death, and after being ghosted, moreso not interested.  I have quite a full life in retirement.

But quite by accident I met this man with whom I have so very much in common.  We get along great. He was very physical at first, almost too much for me at that point and too teenage-ish. Kissing and groping. He said he hadn’t had sex in 15 months and that’s all he thinks about. We are in our 60s.  A few times I just had to end it because I wasn’t sure if my body was physically ready for sex.  But I started having strong feelings for him so one evening I just said, why don’t we just go to the bedroom and finish this.  Which we did.  He liked that phrasing (go to the bedroom and finish this) and uses it when he wants to have sex.   He said he liked having these private, inside code messages like that, we have a few.

So nothing has changed as far as our communication and seeing each other, but the last 2 times we were together he hasn’t kissed me or touched me. Greetings and goodbyes he kisses me and wraps me in his arms, but that’s it. 

So I guess it boils down to is he phasing me out so to speak, or he just isn’t as “horny” as he was after 15 months without it. 

I haven’t dated in 40 years so I don’t know what to expect but I do know I will be extremely hurt if he is phasing me out.  I guess I use this term because we live very close to each other in the same condo complex.  He has been divorced 16 years and has dated quite a bit in that timeframe with one LTR.  He wants a LTR with someone who is not “crazy”.  He has made comments about me that indicate I am the type of woman he is looking for. 

As I write this I feel a little strange that I am focusing on the sex as an indicator of his intentions.  He is attentive, we spend a lot of time together, he is very open to me (more open than I am, I am more a private person).  I just need male perspective, hopefully reassurance! 

 

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Denise0203 said:

 we spend a lot of time together, 

Take your time enjoying dating, having fun and getting to know each other. Try not to overanalyze things.

As far as sexual behaviors and desire, just play it by ear rather than using it as a tool to predict the future or measure the relationship by.

[Carnatic]

8 hours ago, Denise0203 said:

Wow I saw my post from about a year ago (seems longer ago!).  I was so happy and full of joy, but that relationship ended. (Briefly, I am a widow, and a high school classmate (my crush no less) contacted me out of the blue and we dated) Then  I got ghosted.  Not after a date (which would make more sense), but right in the middle of some intimate, affectionate texts which he initiated.  I later heard from mutual friends he does that, he has some anxiety disorder where he just stops communicating completely.

I actually was not interested in a relationship after my husband’s death, and after being ghosted, moreso not interested.  I have quite a full life in retirement.

But quite by accident I met this man with whom I have so very much in common.  We get along great. He was very physical at first, almost too much for me at that point and too teenage-ish. Kissing and groping. He said he hadn’t had sex in 15 months and that’s all he thinks about. We are in our 60s.  A few times I just had to end it because I wasn’t sure if my body was physically ready for sex.  But I started having strong feelings for him so one evening I just said, why don’t we just go to the bedroom and finish this.  Which we did.  He liked that phrasing (go to the bedroom and finish this) and uses it when he wants to have sex.   He said he liked having these private, inside code messages like that, we have a few.

So nothing has changed as far as our communication and seeing each other, but the last 2 times we were together he hasn’t kissed me or touched me. Greetings and goodbyes he kisses me and wraps me in his arms, but that’s it. 

So I guess it boils down to is he phasing me out so to speak, or he just isn’t as “horny” as he was after 15 months without it. 

I haven’t dated in 40 years so I don’t know what to expect but I do know I will be extremely hurt if he is phasing me out.  I guess I use this term because we live very close to each other in the same condo complex.  He has been divorced 16 years and has dated quite a bit in that timeframe with one LTR.  He wants a LTR with someone who is not “crazy”.  He has made comments about me that indicate I am the type of woman he is looking for. 

As I write this I feel a little strange that I am focusing on the sex as an indicator of his intentions.  He is attentive, we spend a lot of time together, he is very open to me (more open than I am, I am more a private person).  I just need male perspective, hopefully reassurance! 

 

Do you often initiate sex? There's not really much you've said where I could guess at his intentions, and it would be just a guess... could be a lot of things, but if you were initially reluctant then does he know that you genuinely want sex or is he maybe feeling that you only stepped up the intimacy to do something nice for him.

I can't really speak for your generation so you might know this better yourself, but I know that men from older generations are more likely to believe that women don't actually enjoy sex, it's possible he enjoys the sex but also feels like he is taking something from you and take too much and you might not want him anymore.

[DarkCh0c0]

10 hours ago, Denise0203 said:

He was very physical at first, almost too much for me at that point and too teenage-ish. Kissing and groping. He said he hadn’t had sex in 15 months and that’s all he thinks about. We are in our 60s

How unattractive.

He clearly told you his intentions to have sex with you and he got it.

He didn't say he wants a relationship.

10 hours ago, Denise0203 said:

I guess it boils down to is he phasing me out so to speak

Yup.

I would not want to be near such a man, unless what you want is casual sex/FWB. His act is not classy nor mature, and you two want different things.

[moodindigo91]

I'm not a man but it does sound to me like he just wants some casual sex. But I could be wrong. 

I'm curious, do you guys spend time together outside of your individual condos? Like do you go on dates? Are you affectionate with each other in public? 

[smackie9]

I'm not sure what the issue is. He got it out of his system I guess, now he is spending time getting to know you. If you want sex or more intimacy then initiate it. 

[Denise0203]

1 hour ago, moodindigo91 said:

I'm not a man but it does sound to me like he just wants some casual sex. But I could be wrong. 

I'm curious, do you guys spend time together outside of your individual condos? Like do you go on dates? Are you affectionate with each other in public? 

I appreciate your comment.  To answer, yes we do and yes we are.  

[Batya33]

I would be wary of anyone who says something so negative like he is looking for someone who is not crazy or the like.  And what low standards.  

My take - he enjoyed the sex and enjoys your company and now is getting sex elsewhere so he wants to keep hanging out with you/going on dates but wants to be sexually monogamous with the other person.  Or he's now had his fill of sex and wants to dial it back.

As Dr. Joy Browne RIP used to say "if something has changed something has changed."  If you're so comfortable swapping bodily fluids with him why not just ask?

[Andrina]

There are a lot of things on overdrive in the beginning of a relationship when hormones are running high. Basically, you have to have a wait-and-see attitude of how things play out past the honeymoon phase, if it even gets that far.

It's normal to feel anxious when you're into someone and are on a weak foundation which you haven't yet built. Sorry, but nobody has a crystal ball to predict if you two will work out or not. And there is nothing that will prevent heartbreak if things don't work out. People have to take risks in romance, or else choose no heartbreak by never trying, but the downside of that is loneliness.

The best way to date is to date someone who you see as a good risk to your heart. Observe. Don't ignore red flags. Have your own must-haves and dealbreakers and stick to them.

Instead of worrying about if he's into you and what he might do or not do, have a mindset that he has to treat you special and be meeting all of your main needs to stay in your life. Of course, communication is key so if you want to know something, ask. Also know that a person you barely know can lie, so you will still be having to pay close attention as time goes by, to know the real person.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[moodindigo91]

Yeah, I agree with others. It seems like he could be interested in having a serious relationship with you, but it's hard to say. You should ask him at some point, sooner rather than later, what the status is of your connection, or his feelings toward your connection.