I (18M) am in a happy long-distance relationship with someone (18F) but caught feelings for someone at my college (18F)

[millerzeke4]

Hey all,

My relationship started off sort of at the end of high school in roughly May. The girl and I had been best friends for a while before (since November) and we clicked amazingly. We had an awesome three months before we broke things off for university at the beginning of August.

August was a really horrible period for both of us. We made the stupid decision of agreeing to stay friends (yeah, I know) and I messed up (kept saying we needed to cut contact and then ultimately going back a day later). Understandably, she got pissed because it ***ed with her feelings.

Fast forward to September, we're both in university. We talk, we both have feelings, we get back together. She's about 3000 kilometers away (in the US) and I'm in Canada. Things are really, really great. We know we align from a value perspective, long-term we can reach compromises on work that we're both willing to do, and we can meaningfully make things work.

In October, we reached midterm season, which is essentially the period where most students take exams during the middle of their academic semester. I became super busy and we disconnected a little (stopped facetiming every day, etc.) Of the very little time I spent socializing, it would be at dinner or while studying.

In the two months since university has started, I've become really close with another girl at my college on my floor. We're in the same main friend group and she's also awesome. We've been going to a bunch of things together and quite honestly I know that we both have feelings for each other.

The problem is, I'm also in love with my girlfriend. And yes, I am. I've thought quite a bit about that and I truly am. She's awesome. But this introduces a dilemma of choice: Reddit, do I pursue the long-term LDR with a girl that's truly awesome and that I really click with or do I give up on long-distance and try things out with the girl at my college?

[MissCanuck]

26 minutes ago, millerzeke4 said:

Reddit, do I pursue the long-term LDR with a girl that's truly awesome and that I really click with or do I give up on long-distance and try things out with the girl at my college?

This isn't Reddit. 

But it's time to let go of your girlfriend. If you were in love with her, another girl wouldn't be able to turn your head like this. 

It's normal for high school relationships to fizzle out when university starts. You're too young to tie yourself to someone you don't see much, especially when you're interested in someone else. It won't work out long-term if you're already finding yourself developing feelings for someone else after just a couple months. 

End it respectfully, don't try to stay friends, and enjoy your college experience with someone local you can actually date on a regular basis. 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, millerzeke4 said:

Reddit, do I pursue the long-term LDR with a girl that's truly awesome and that I really click with or do I give up on long-distance and try things out with the girl at my college?

This isn't reddit, but to answer your question, set both yourselves free. It's unfair to have your eye on the college girl while keeping the hometown girl as a security blanket. 

[Batya33]

I had a long distance boyfriend when he was a freshman in college and I was still in high school. We'd been dating for a few years -talked in a fun way about marriage. That first year I went to visit him a few times, we did date when he was home but we broke up right before his sophomore year and he met his future wife at school shortly after -it really was for the best -the distance (1 hour plane ride) was too much at our ages.  Love might not be enough.

You didn't catch feelings.  You chose to get to know your classmate because you saw you had things in common.  Then you chose to act on your feelings of attraction by continuing to hang out with her and get attached.  It's a choice.

If you choose to kiss her before you end things with your LDR girlriend you will be choosing to act inconsistently with your promise to your girlfriend. It's really important all along this path that you see that you don't control your feelings but you control your reactions and actions. If you want a healthful relationship in the future with this new person do things one step at a time and first break things off with your girlfriend. 

Perhaps in the future when you're in the same city you'll get back together but for now I'd end things and date this new person, date other people or don't date at all -whatever works.  

[smackie9]

Breakup and enjoy your freedom in college...you are young only once so you better take advantage while you can. 

[moodindigo91]

14 hours ago, millerzeke4 said:

I'm also in love with my girlfriend. And yes, I am.

Okay, okay. Maybe you love your girlfriend, that's certain. After all the time you've spent together, and the promises you've made to one another. I'm certain you love her. But are you in love with her? Idk. I do think there's a difference. 

If you do love your girlfriend, then you know it's not fair to her to only be half committed to making your relationship work long distance. And you can't say you're fully committed if you're posting on Reddit and ENA asking others about whether you should breakup or stay together. If you want to explore relationships with others (which is perfectly fine), you should do the honorable thing and let your girlfriend go, allow her to do the same. 

[SooSad33]

Yeah, you may feel something for her but possibly not enough.. with help from a few complications 😕 .

I suggest you take it easy in all of this. Because if you are still caught up with emotions over your gf, then you don't have much to give to this other gal.

You need to figure yourself out & get your head straight before you jump into anything again, so you don't act out like you're rebounding ( over lapping and knowing you're still not over your gf- comparing them, etc).

You two are still quite young and adventurous.  No rule saying you have to stick it out with someone you've only been dating less than a year. To me, it sounds like you are curious and still yearning to venture.  But do tread carefully.  Make sure it isn't just to cover up what you're not getting from the gf, due to distance.

if it's time, then admit it and be done- totally.  No head games.

 

[Andrina]

On 10/30/2022 at 8:12 PM, millerzeke4 said:

We've been going to a bunch of things together and quite honestly I know that we both have feelings for each other.

 

With what you've written above, you've crossed relationship boundaries. The advice, if you were married and going to a couples counselor, would be the same as in this situation. You would be advised to tell this woman you're having an emotional affair with that you've realized you made a mistake, and need to no longer hang out one-on-one, and to lose each others phone numbers, because you're in a committed relationship.

On 10/30/2022 at 8:12 PM, millerzeke4 said:

do I pursue the long-term LDR with a girl that's truly awesome and that I really click with or do I give up on long-distance and try things out with the girl at my college?

Nobody can tell you what to do. Think about each scenario, what I've written above, or the discussion you'd have to have breaking up with your girlfriend. Which decision makes you feel worse/out of the question/more devastating?

Maybe you can gain some clarity with that.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. If you stay with your gf, don't feel like you can still hang out with the local lady, even if neither of you get physical with each other. When you treat people how you would like to be treated, you can't go wrong. As in, if you wouldn't want your gf to be crossing relationship boundaries with a local dude at her college, don't do that either. Emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical ones. 

Good luck and let us know how it goes.