Should I Cold Call?

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Whirling D said:

you and I are not similar in many ways, as I read your stories… You’ve had 100 opportunities on dates to meet people. That’s about 95 more than I have ever had. That makes the two situations hugely dissimilar.

I made most of my opportunities for myself.  Want to know how I met my future husband? I'd been employed for 6 weeks at our company. It was his first day.  We were invited to a welcome breakfast for the newbies in a huge conference room.  I read up on him before -they distributed the bios - and realized he didn't know anyone based on when he worked there during summers.  I saw we'd grown up in the same area and were the same age.  (Mid 90s). 

I crossed a very crowded conference room to greet him -as a newbie.  To be nice, to be welcoming.  He was very very shy.  Painfully shy back then.  He never ever would have approached me -he was standing by himself.  We chatted briefly -we worked on different floors, different departments- huge company.  I told him where I grew up, etc.

I had no interest in dating him at that moment - I think I was dating someone else.  Over the next 8 months we ran into each other at two company-wide events.  At one I think we approached each other and ironically we ended up being blocked by a very tall, very famous person who attended the event and stood between us and then it was time to sit down. 

A couple of months later I think I approached him at an event -at the bar -at a gorgeous hotel ballroom -and we chatted longer. He said I placed my hand on his arm briefly - I guess so! This finally gave him the courage to ask me out for lunch (we did get engaged, then broke up for 7 years).  

I was asked out by men who "approached" me over the years but many many times I was proactive -went to singles events, singles resorts, volunteer work, made sure my friends and family knew I wanted to be set up and set up friends and family members.  I made myself speak to at least 3 guys at a singles event and stay at least 45 minutes before I'd leave. 

I let men ask me out with rare exception but I showed interest, I was a good listener, I kept myself as fit and attractive as possible -I was no glamour gal -I was more like girl next door/Ivory girl.  I asked for first meets through dating sites and if I was declined -this was during the first phone call which was after a few messages - I moved on.  I didn't "wait" for a man to ask to meet me although I let him ask me out on a proper date.  

Sweet and decent is great -but it also describes a puppy.  I like people who have a bit of an edge - who keep me on my toes while being thoughtful and confident -not arrogant. Who don't yes me or "validate" me but also have their own opinions, who challenge me to see the world a little differently. Who aren't afraid I might not think they're "nice" for speaking up.  I like straight shooters and respect them.  I don't want to be pampered (unless I'm sick lol) or put on a pedestal - especially if it's motivated in a people-pleasing kind of way. 

My son will yell at me at how I'm so unfair/how could I take away his screen time as a consequence and when he calms down he tells me how much he loves me.  He says sorry fairly often for his behavior that resulted in the consequence.  I'm not into mothering a partner but my point is -people respect you when you have reasonable boundaries and you're consistent with them.  Be sweet -but not a pushover. 

 I moved 9 miles to a high rent district/major city after I finished grad school at 28 years old to make sure I'd be surrounded by singles and have a wider reach for a dating pool/to find a husband - so if women in "your area" somehow have nothing in common with you it's something to consider or branch out to volunteer work with like minded people.  But it's not going to work if you come to it with jadedness. That any woman with a reasonable amount of awareness will sniff from a mile away and it's really such a turnoff.

[boltnrun]

Wiseman brings up a good point. You don't want to be judged by the length of your hair or where you live or your financial status, yet you're judging this woman by her Facebook pics and making all sorts of assumptions about her.  I mean, is that really fair?  She shouldn't judge you based on outside appearances or where or how you live but you can do that to her?

I feel it's a self-preservation mindset you've developed.  Again with that Yes song.  The long and multiple paragraphs you write excusing yourself from pursuing someone or making efforts is a way to get out of possibly getting hurt.  If that's truly what you want and you'd rather be alone then there's no need to put yourself through all this turmoil.  But if you want to meet a nice lady who could be the right person for you, you're going to have to take those leaps.  And sometimes you'll fall.  But sometimes you won't.

[Whirling D]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Wiseman brings up a good point. You don't want to be judged by the length of your hair or where you live or your financial status, yet you're judging this woman by her Facebook pics and making all sorts of assumptions about her.  I mean, is that really fair?  She shouldn't judge you based on outside appearances or where or how you live but you can do that to her?

I feel it's a self-preservation mindset you've developed.  Again with that Yes song.  The long and multiple paragraphs you write excusing yourself from pursuing someone or making efforts is a way to get out of possibly getting hurt.  If that's truly what you want and you'd rather be alone then there's no need to put yourself through all this turmoil.  But if you want to meet a nice lady who could be the right person for you, you're going to have to take those leaps.  And sometimes you'll fall.  But sometimes you won't.

Thank you, bolt…

I guess… There are negative judgments and positive ones… Most of the characteristics I see with this lady are positive assets… Not negative ones. So, perhaps I am judging her, but in many ways they are complements… She is a class act.  I kind of dismiss class, more just in the way I live my life, but not by being a snob. Most of the customers that I have are quite wealthy, and I go into their houses every week and I really enjoy what they’ve built for themselves… I don’t walk in with a chip on my shoulder, or think negatively of them because they have much nicer houses than me and boats in the backyard.

clearly, I would enjoy those things, but the things that are important to me at this point in my life are not those things.  I value things that are similar to the people where I grew up, almost in the outback… Where things are simpler, and people and interactions outweigh objects.  I enjoy objects, like my wealthy customers do, I just can’t afford them, and I don’t put my time toward trying to acquire those things. I’d rather have a bunch of guitars and time to play them than a large house or boats.

In the past, what you say is exactly true. I have avoided higher-level women because of a fear of being hurt. I have a good reason to feel that way, since it has happened countless times, and I have story after story of reaching out beyond my comfort zone to be virtually humiliated for doing so. So, my hesitation doesn’t come out of the blue. It comes from a history of that kind of hurt and humiliation. 

for me to even engage with this lady as much as I have, or to ask the girl at my gig out, were huge leaps… Where has that left me? Sitting home alone in a cold house in which I can’t afford the oil this year to heat it properly.  I’m sure this latest lady will certainly appreciate that… NOT.  For that I am a little bitter.  I did a lot of things to move forward in my life, and at my age, I still can’t afford to keep my house properly heated.  I hold onto anger in many areas.  Yeah, I could get a better job, and be able to afford oil, but at what cost? My sanity, as I have learned in the past.

 

 

 

[Whirling D]

Another update… Well… 48 hours since I answered her last text, which included questions… As to where she is moving?  no response.

I get it… Her interest may be low. She may be busy with moving. You guys may be right, and that I shouldn’t be putting a lot of thought into this, but I do.

she was on Facebook today and wished her son a happy birthday, and then forwarded an art related meme to her page. But she didn’t have time to respond to my last message?

if I had to predict, I don’t think it’s that this girl is not interested in eventually meeting. I just don’t know if it’s high on her priority list. Could be due to lack of attraction, could be due to where she is in her own life. It’s almost pointless to speculate, yet I still do.

But, anyone who responds to my first personal text to her asking her to chat or to meet with “love to”, is either unusually kind, which is possible, or is truly actually interested in getting to know me, but just isn’t in the right space or time.

But then again, who knows.  If I had other irons in the fire, I’d be certainly stoking them.

[Wiseman2]

On 11/18/2022 at 6:12 AM, Whirling D said:

I have a subscription to match.com, and have my profile on about four other ones that I’m not paying for…

Paid apps probably are useless if you need subscription to message. However there are plenty of free apps. Silver Singles and Our Time is for over 50 and there are more women than men so you may have better luck looking in the right types of places. But "likes" on a paid apps like match are a waste of time. Also if you drive you can seek out women who live in more rural areas you're used to and comfortable with.

[waffle]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

. . . for me to even engage with this lady as much as I have, or to ask the girl at my gig out, were huge leaps… Where has that left me? Sitting home alone in a cold house in which I can’t afford the oil this year to heat it properly.  I’m sure this latest lady will certainly appreciate that… NOT.  For that I am a little bitter.  I did a lot of things to move forward in my life, and at my age, I still can’t afford to keep my house properly heated.  I hold onto anger in many areas.  Yeah, I could get a better job, and be able to afford oil, but at what cost? My sanity, as I have learned in the past.

 

Actively choosing to be poor and then complaining about being poor aren't going to help you.  If you can't afford basic necessities, then your focus needs to be on that and not on dating.  Unless your motivation is to find someone to provide the financial help you seem to need.

[Whirling D]

33 minutes ago, waffle said:

Actively choosing to be poor and then complaining about being poor aren't going to help you.  If you can't afford basic necessities, then your focus needs to be on that and not on dating.  Unless your motivation is to find someone to provide the financial help you seem to need.

That is a value choice. I’m not complaining I’m poor, I’m complaining that people in my circle complain that I am poor. Or they make judgments on that.

I don’t particularly care that I have no money.  It’s annoying. But it’s not as annoying as getting up at a pathetic hour, barely seeing the light of day, and then being exhausted all night, which is exactly how I felt working a “normal“ job. I don’t want to live the rest of my days/weeks/months/years living like that.  

[boltnrun]

40 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

That is a value choice. I’m not complaining I’m poor, I’m complaining that people in my circle complain that I am poor. Or they make judgments on that.

I don’t particularly care that I have no money.  It’s annoying. But it’s not as annoying as getting up at a pathetic hour, barely seeing the light of day, and then being exhausted all night, which is exactly how I felt working a “normal“ job. I don’t want to live the rest of my days/weeks/months/years living like that.  

Well, you did complain about not being able to afford oil to heat your home.  If you choose to live a lifestyle that doesn't enable you to afford heat when it's cold, does it really make sense to be angry about it?  

3 hours ago, Whirling D said:

at my age, I still can’t afford to keep my house properly heated.  I hold onto anger in many areas.

Also, you made that choice for yourself but it's not realistic to expect many women willing to live with those choices.  Unless she too doesn't mind not having heat in the wintertime.

I dated a guy whose home didn't have heat.  It also didn't have AC.  We roasted in the summertime (he lived in the desert, essentially) and we had to sit with our winter coats on for two hours while we waited for the space heaters to warm the house in the wintertime.  There was no flooring in the home, just a concrete foundation.  As a result all kinds of critters got into the house including snakes and scorpions.  I had to kill a HUGE scorpion one night when I got up to use the bathroom and it was sitting right in front of the toilet (scorpions are crunchy). But I was totally in love with this guy and would have lived with him in a tent in the desert if I had to.  So yeah, there are women (and men) out there who will put up with a LOT for love.  But it's not usual to find someone who is willing to do without basic comforts.

In essence, you're deliberately reducing your dating pool.  By a LOT.  Are you OK with that?

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Well, you did complain about not being able to afford oil to heat your home.  If you choose to live a lifestyle that doesn't enable you to afford heat when it's cold, does it really make sense to be angry about it?  

Also, you made that choice for yourself but it's not realistic to expect many women willing to live with those choices.  Unless she too doesn't mind not having heat in the wintertime.

I dated a guy whose home didn't have heat.  It also didn't have AC.  We roasted in the summertime (he lived in the desert, essentially) and we had to sit with our winter coats on for two hours while we waited for the space heaters to warm the house in the wintertime.  There was no flooring in the home, just a concrete foundation.  As a result all kinds of critters got into the house including snakes and scorpions.  I had to kill a HUGE scorpion one night when I got up to use the bathroom and it was sitting right in front of the toilet (scorpions are crunchy). But I was totally in love with this guy and would have lived with him in a tent in the desert if I had to.  So yeah, there are women (and men) out there who will put up with a LOT for love.  But it's not usual to find someone who is willing to do without basic comforts.

In essence, you're deliberately reducing your dating pool.  By a LOT.  Are you OK with that?

In all fairness Bolt, I didn’t choose for heating oil costs to double this year, as compared to last year, when I had less difficulty affording it.  Mostly, I’m angry at that. And how relatively poor people are having such a hard time making simple ends meet.

Sadly, likely way too many families are affected by oil company greed, which is happening across the earth, and then people blame the National government for policy inadequacies. Really? But I won’t go there.

The girl I dated up until a little more than a year ago, who I wrote about equally intensely on here back then, always offered to contribute to the household, because she had value in the life I was trying to live, and understood it… I thought that was hugely thoughtful and meaningful.  I never took her up on that offer, though. I made ends meet.  Boy did I love that girl. She was hugely unstable, though. Broke my heart and soul. But I digress. 

To answer your question… I guess I AM willing to sacrifice that, and in some small way, I think the lifestyle I live is meant to sacrifice attracting people who aren’t willing to take someone and be OK with the choices that they make that they feel are right for them.

Kind of reminds me a story I probably told in the first couple of pages, about a good friend’s wife who couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t get my hair cut and find a better job before I went on dating sites… Because, according to her, who would want some shaggy looking guy who doesn’t earn a decent income? That’s exactly what I don’t want in my life, and that’s exactly what I’ve had to jostle since I can remember. Judgment and ridicule.  Perhaps, subconsciously, those are the exact kind of judgments that I have no interest in and perhaps my lifestyle will help collate.

So, even with this new girl that I might like… Some of the things she mentioned on her dating profile seem to jive with my values, and she obviously liked what I said on mine… Once again, I actually have reached outside the box, and although it’s still too early to tell what the outcome will be, I can’t be surprised with what is likely to happen… Because it’s happened over and over and over, almost without variation. 

[waffle]

15 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

. . . it’s happened over and over and over, almost without variation. 

And yet somehow you seem to not know why . . . 

[boltnrun]

Do you state on your dating profile that you're looking for a woman who wants to live the simple life?  Who isn't into the huge house with all the bells and whistles but rather is into experiences?  With the recent popularity of van life and the like, a lot of people are making do with a lot less.

For example, I used to live in a 1350 square foot townhouse.  I now live in a 425 square foot studio apartment.  I'm much happier because I don't feel pressure to fill a huge space with furniture and doo dads I don't really need.  I got rid of a lot of stuff and honestly, I don't even miss most of it.  The only thing I regret is I don't have much room for plants, and I love plants.

[Whirling D]

28 minutes ago, waffle said:

And yet somehow you seem to not know why . . . 

Actually I think I do, but many people on here seem to think that I am confusing things.  It’s my face, height, slim profile, lack of masculine feature… not as much my hair. These have been proven with multiple experiments.

So, by what you’re inferring, I should cut my hair and get a better job. I’ve actually proven multiple times these don’t work.  Thanks for your insight.  Not.

[Whirling D]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Do you state on your dating profile that you're looking for a woman who wants to live the simple life?  Who isn't into the huge house with all the bells and whistles but rather is into experiences?  With the recent popularity of van life and the like, a lot of people are making do with a lot less.

For example, I used to live in a 1350 square foot townhouse.  I now live in a 425 square foot studio apartment.  I'm much happier because I don't feel pressure to fill a huge space with furniture and doo dads I don't really need.  I got rid of a lot of stuff and honestly, I don't even miss most of it.  The only thing I regret is I don't have much room for plants, and I love plants.

I do mention that I value living a simple life with purpose, yada yada yada… So whoever reads should at least get somewhat of a glimpse that they are not going to be writing to someone that values things, per se.

One of the things that I am most proud of is that I do own my own house on a beautiful property out in the woods. It’s the only meaningful item that I have ever really owned… Outside of my musical equipment, and my plants and animals. 

I would like nothing more than to find somebody who would enjoy living here and helping maintain the property. It’s got so much room for gardening, and I just can’t get to it. It’s just too much. 
 

The girl I dated up until over a year ago loved this place and would’ve moved here in a heartbeat. We had that in common. It was sad to see that dream die, truthfully.

[Batya33]

Yes. I’d be clear about your lifestyle values up front. It’s cool you own your home !  I’m sorry you’re struggling financially.  If you don’t want to have a clean cut look and increase your income then of course you do you and respect without judgment that certain women want a man who is financially stable and has as his values being financially stable and living a more middle class lifestyle.  Particularly if they offer the same. 

[Whirling D]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes. I’d be clear about your lifestyle values up front. It’s cool you own your home !  I’m sorry you’re struggling financially.  If you don’t want to have a clean cut look and increase your income then of course you do you and respect without judgment that certain women want a man who is financially stable and has as his values being financially stable and living a more middle class lifestyle.  Particularly if they offer the same. 

Interestingly, as I mentioned, I go into customers houses all week long, and I encounter middle-aged women that have all kinds of money, and they don’t really seem any happier… Several I could probably be convinced have little crushes on me… Perhaps because they can sense that I value something other than working and making money. But they would probably never date someone like me, because I couldn’t give them the kind of stability they seek. Stability seems to be a huge draw, although almost no women that I encounter would have any way of knowing whether I’m financially stable or not.

I don’t judge or disrespect my lady customers who are well off, really. I am envious of them. They have good families, and friends, and active lives… But they are stressed, and work all the time, just like I was until five years ago. I think secretly, they probably envy that I am out and about quite a bit during the day and I am not enslaved in the ways that they are. 

Of course, we are all enslaved in our own ways. I am enslaved by financial instability, so what I do has to be within those confines. But, what is more important to me is that I have the time and the mental space to find peace and meaning. Clearly, it doesn’t always work… 🙂

also, I don’t seek to find somebody financially stable. It certainly doesn’t hurt, but I usually don’t give a rats rear end about somebody’s financial situation. I kind of look for things like… What do they do that gives them meaning, and what do they do that may have an impact on others. I find that hugely endearing. 
 

I have also encountered another trend in my dating life over the last 30 years… The last three women I have dated seemed to feel that they want to be the Alpha, and part of that comes with offering money and stability. All three of them literally went out of their way to convince me that they could bring financial stability to my life, and I think that was a bit of a tool for them to try to gain the stability they were searching for. 

when it was clear that they would never be the kind of alpha they may have been accustomed to previously, that took a lot of air out of their sails.  That’s a bit of a hypothesis, though.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

On 11/17/2022 at 2:39 PM, Whirling D said:

 Thankfully, I haven’t had to move in 17 years… Longest I’ve been anywhere.  

Hope you are looking forward to your new digs.  Moving is quite a big ordeal, for sure...  ughh…

Give me a holler when you can, ok?

😊😊🎶🎶😊😊”

If you were actually interested in her you wouldn't ask where she's moving to or gloat about how you don't have to move.

You could have said "if you need a hand, you know where to reach me".  Not that she would necessarily take you up on it, but it shows a bit more of a friendly or neighborly attitude.

There was your no-cost un-coffee-date  in, but instead you slink back with a better you than me vibe and tell her to "give you a holler", like she's got a lot of extra time and energy to chitchat with you while moving?

You don't seem open or approachable. Messages like this one you sent seem to make you unrelatable and unable to relate to others.

It's important to remember that you choose to live the way you do but women aren't going to line up to clean up your overgrown property or help you with  basic bills. You're going to have to figure out what you have to offer, not just what others can offer you.

[Whirling D]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you were actually interested in her you wouldn't ask where she's moving to or gloat about how you don't have to move.

You could have said "if you need a hand, you know where to reach me".  Not that she would necessarily take you up on it, but it shows a bit more of a friendly or neighborly attitude.

There was your no-cost un-coffee-date  in, but instead you slink back with a better you than me vibe and tell her to "give you a holler", like she's got a lot of extra time and energy to chitchat with you while moving?

You don't seem open or approachable. Messages like this one you sent seem to make you unrelatable and unable to relate to others.

It's important to remember that you choose to live the way you do but women aren't going to line up to clean up your overgrown property or help you with  basic bills. You're going to have to figure out what you have to offer, not just what others can offer you.

This seems a bit cynical, wise…

I can’t read into what somebody else will think when they read some thing that I write, but if someone wrote a message like that to me… I would think that they were simply being conversational.

I attempted to ask her questions and show interest in what she is experiencing… Like, where is she moving? And tell her that I know it must be a big deal to be moving.

Gloating about not having to move for 17 years? Just conversation. Relating.

I did think about asking her if she needed any help, but thought that was presumptuous and may be a bit opportunistic/overly eager, so I left it out.  I have second guessed that a bunch of times since I wrote to her.  I wonder.

I didn’t feel at all that I was coming across as unrelatable, but then again, I have no idea what someone would read into it. If you did, who knows whether she did. I certainly wouldn’t, if someone wrote that to me.

as far as wanting someone to come in and take care of my overgrown property and help with basic bills… I haven’t  asked anyone for anything pretty much my entire adult life. If anything, I think I come across as being someone who is stubborn and perhaps overly independent, which may have its own set of issues… 

For example, my mother, who will be 90 this coming year, insisted four years ago she was going to buy me a new car. She said that she didn’t want her grandchild riding around in the older car that I had at the time, which had 220,000 miles on it, which by my standards, should’ve still had another couple of years left on it.  Plus, I’ve been driving older clunkers for years, and have gotten good at managing living with a car that can have problems at a moments notice. It’s not always fun, but I get by.

so, I repeatedly told my mother thank you, but I am doing just fine with my car and I don’t need a brand new car. I told her to save her money and use it for things she may need in the future. I said it over and over, and she continuously nagged to me about it and told me I had no choice and she was going to buy it for me if I didn’t pick one out myself.

Her beautiful theory, was that I was going to get that money anyway, so I might as well do what she is saying… 🙂

For several months, I dragged my feet, until I got a text from my older brother, who said in a rather terse way, “You’re coming across as extremely ungrateful. Just say thank you for your thoughtfulness and go buy the car“.

As independent as I try to often be, I can’t resist that kind of pressure from family, and I caved pretty quickly under pressure from others. Deep down inside I knew I wanted to take my mother up on it, so eventually I did.

That car that sits in my driveway is a constant reminder of her generosity, and I am out there cleaning and polishing it every time the local temperature gets up over about 70°. It’s the only new car I have ever owned in my entire life.

A year and a half ago, in a moment of carelessness, I backed the car into a large object, and put a fairly sizable dent in the back hatch. It was appraised at $3000 worth of damage, and I couldn’t afford to either fix it or take on the insurance hit, so that dent remains in the back and breaks my heart every time I see it.  

Other than that, that car barely has a mark on it, at least that I did… It has a couple of door dings in it from other stupid people, despite the fact that I constantly take heat from others that I park that thing way down at the end of the parking lot and every place I go just to prevent that kind of thing from happening. Still, other than the big dent, and the two small door dings, the thing looks brand new. That is my way of honoring my mother and her generosity.

So, there’s a relatable story for you.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

I did think about asking her if she needed any help, but thought that was presumptuous and may be a bit opportunistic/overly eager, so I left it out.  I have second guessed that a bunch of times since I wrote to her.

I don't think offering to lend a hand is a bad thing. If unwanted she could say no thanks. After all, you were looking for ways to have a no-cost, non-coffee, non-date idea. Helping an older lady put some boxes on a truck isn't a big deal. It seems like a nice offer, an icebreaker. Hardly presumptuous, since you're not inviting yourself over for something for yourself. 

[Whirling D]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

I don't think offering to lend a hand is a bad thing. If unwanted she could say no thanks. After all, you were looking for ways to have a no-cost, non-coffee, non-date idea. Helping an older lady put some boxes on a truck isn't a big deal. It seems like a nice offer.

Yeah, my gut told me that would be a nice thing to offer… But then I think of a lot of the things that I have read, about not coming on too quickly, or pushy… And to let things happen organically… I think that’s what I was going for.
 

And still, I’m not going to text her anytime soon. It’s in her court. Maybe in a couple weeks if I don’t hear from her, but if I haven’t heard her in two weeks or so, I probably never will, at which point I have to wonder if it makes any sense to try to encourage something that just isn’t likely of interest to her.  
 

It’s disheartening, because this girl seems like someone I would like a lot… even likely way more than the gig girl… And those opportunities haven’t come along since I can remember. Hence, that’s why I’m on here bemoaning it.  😩😤

[Batya33]

Of course you shouldn’t read into typing - so avoid all the texts and interact with people who want to meet asap in person after a few messages and a screening phone call. 
You have no idea if you and this stranger - for dating purposes - would have clicked in a first meet enough to go on a first date. I’d avoid indulging in your projections of who this person is in person. And act on things by meeting in person and in particular women who share your financial values which are a bit unusual but not a unicorn kind of thing !
Your mom giving you a car is not a real analogy. Family is different.
 My parents let me live at home rent free during grad school so I had loans that were manageable. I sent them on a lovely vacation as part of my thanks and always let them know how I appreciated their generosity. 

I wouldn’t offer to help a stranger move. I’d offer to refer her to good moving companies or good furniture places or organizers - whatever made sense in context. I do that all the time with people in my Facebook groups 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

It’s disheartening, because this girl seems like someone I would like a lot… even likely way more than the gig girl… And those opportunities haven’t come along since I can remember

Opportunities are coming along, but you seem to want to sabotage them for some reason.

[Batya33]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Opportunities are coming along, but you seem to want to sabotage them for some reason.

I think the sabotage part is his not being proactive to make his own opportunities. Lots of time wasted on crafting typed messages to strangers. 

[Kwothe28]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think the sabotage part is his not being proactive to make his own opportunities 

I agree. Even him sending an offer to help moving wouldnt maybe change much because

a) for all intended purposes this person is a stranger

b) would maybe be misconstrued as "too eager" and maybe even "creepy" as he would basically offer to visit her at her new home

Admittedly I dont think it matters as she doesnt want to continue further anyway. Its just that if they like you initially, it basically doesnt matter that much what you send. If they dont, you could be as smooth as a baby cheek and still land nowhere. 

Also, he met her on a dating app. As Ive said, as an average man, he would have to get used to that. Not answering messages, ghosting after few messages, its all very much normal experience there. He would have to go through bunch of people like that to even get a date. 

More proactivity and meeting more people(in real life) would land him better results in terms of dating. As well as more chances to connect and less chances to be ghosted.

[Wiseman2]

Maybe you'll catch up with her when she's settled in. In the meantime take some time to reflect what type of situation you're looking for at this stage.

[Whirling D]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe you'll catch up with her when she's settled in. In the meantime take some time to reflect what type of situation you're looking for at this stage.

That’s 100% exactly what I am thinking and I’m going to try to do. Thanks for clarifying this and putting it into words.

That being said, from everything I know about this girl, I have this feeling that she could be almost exactly what I would like, and do well with… But how do I know, I’ve never even met her.

but she’s moving. And she’s high value. She’s probably in no place and no hurry to be taking on another responsibility like a potential date. I will be patient, but I’m not sitting around. I just sent out another nice note on a dating site.

annoyingly, a bunch of the dating sites have gotten really stupid over the last little while… And they won’t notify someone that you write to that you have actually written, unless they like your profile before they even know you have written. If they like your profile, then they will be shown that you have written to them. 

I suppose I get it… That likely prevents women from being inundated with a full inbox from people they have no interest in. It’s annoying for us guys, though, because the likelihood of women liking my profile is very small, considering all of the guys that are on there, which outnumber women about 10 to 1, if I remember correctly.