Am I losing him or should I give him time?

[Lambert]

This guy should be ashamed of himself. 40 years old and this is how he acts? 

He is not a good guy, not a catch, not polite, not shy or any of the words you used to describe him. 

He is emotionally inapt. this is not how you treat a friend. Ghosting you in the first place- enough to never talk to this guy again. You certainly deserve better.

Then to cowardly send you a request on social media and like all your posts.  Are you freaking kidding me. No!  this guy is a LOSER.

I know you're making this about maybe he's shy or what you might have done but no. This is him showing you what a lily-liver he is. he's definitely distracted by another woman but not big enough a person to be honest with you.  But if she sees him for who he really is (like you are) he'll be back with some bull crap story 

Block this guy and keep open for a real man that knows what's he's doing.  At 40 ish this guy is beyond pathetic as a human being.

Sorry you're upset or taking this personally but this guy is not worth it. Do not lower yourself any more.  

[waffle]

17 hours ago, Hlsl said:

So, if I may ask for your suggestion, how should I write to him, without sounding needy or push him away for good?

Interesting that you're still hoping to continue with him after he has clearly made every effort to push YOU away for good.

 

[boltnrun]

Do you think a man you need to chase or convince to spend time with you is somehow more valuable?

[Jaunty]

1 hour ago, Hlsl said:

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel you are absolutely right. It was hard for me to open up to love again after a long time of being single and painful family losses.

I'm truly sorry about your family losses and this all piling up on you, but you posted initially that you became single and moved THIS YEAR.  That is not a long time of being single, especially for a person in your 40's.   A very small piece of your life.  Generally speaking we need to get back to "ground zero" in a sense after a long relationship ends, and before committing to a new one, to be our best.

This guy ... I might understand some cold feet and him choosing to cut off your new romance for the above reason.  But the way he stopped communicating and his presence on your social media is beyond creepy.  Truly there is no way this man could be a viable partner to anyone unless he makes some dramatic changes in himself, which will take years of work.  You are lucky, really.

[Hlsl]

1 hour ago, Jaunty said:

I'm truly sorry about your family losses and this all piling up on you, but you posted initially that you became single and moved THIS YEAR.  That is not a long time of being single, especially for a person in your 40's.   A very small piece of your life.  Generally speaking we need to get back to "ground zero" in a sense after a long relationship ends, and before committing to a new one, to be our best.

This guy ... I might understand some cold feet and him choosing to cut off your new romance for the above reason.  But the way he stopped communicating and his presence on your social media is beyond creepy.  Truly there is no way this man could be a viable partner to anyone unless he makes some dramatic changes in himself, which will take years of work.  You are lucky, really.

Thank you. English is not my native language, so some things might not have come through correctly. This year we moved to the same city both of us and he became single, I have already been single for a few years while caring for my family. And you are right, the last thing I needed was to have my heart broken once again after all I have been going through. 

[Hlsl]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

This guy should be ashamed of himself. 40 years old and this is how he acts? 

He is not a good guy, not a catch, not polite, not shy or any of the words you used to describe him. 

He is emotionally inapt. this is not how you treat a friend. Ghosting you in the first place- enough to never talk to this guy again. You certainly deserve better.

Then to cowardly send you a request on social media and like all your posts.  Are you freaking kidding me. No!  this guy is a LOSER.

I know you're making this about maybe he's shy or what you might have done but no. This is him showing you what a lily-liver he is. he's definitely distracted by another woman but not big enough a person to be honest with you.  But if she sees him for who he really is (like you are) he'll be back with some bull crap story 

Block this guy and keep open for a real man that knows what's he's doing.  At 40 ish this guy is beyond pathetic as a human being.

Sorry you're upset or taking this personally but this guy is not worth it. Do not lower yourself any more.  

Thank you so much. I never thought he could have been a player. He only had two relationships in his life, both very long-term, he always seemed a committed and responsible person. Otherwise I would have never gave him a chance. But...who knows, maybe he wants to live now what he didn't in his 20s, which makes him even more imature.

[Hlsl]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Do you think a man you need to chase or convince to spend time with you is somehow more valuable?

Of course not. On the contrary.

[Hlsl]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

Interesting that you're still hoping to continue with him after he has clearly made every effort to push YOU away for good.

 

I was considering giving him the benefit of a doubt, finding excuses for him (he has been depressed, stressed etc). But reading all comments here, it seems naive of me to do that.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Hlsl said:

I was considering giving him the benefit of a doubt, finding excuses for him (he has been depressed, stressed etc). But reading all comments here, it seems naive of me to do that.

Would you treat someone you care about and have romantic feelings for the way he's treated you? Even if you were "depressed and stressed"? 

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Hlsl said:

Thank you so much. I never thought he could have been a player. He only had two relationships in his life, both very long-term, he always seemed a committed and responsible person. Otherwise I would have never gave him a chance. But...who knows, maybe he wants to live now what he didn't in his 20s, which makes him even more imature.

He might not be a player. I think you give this schmuck too much credit. Like he is so deep. lol

He may have only been in two relationships because he didn't know how to end them.

Just because someone has had relationships it doesn't mean they are good at them.  he may have been with women that were equally unable to communicate effectively and they were happy in their dysfunction 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Hlsl said:

He only had two relationships in his life, both very long-term, he always seemed a committed and responsible person.

That doesnt mean he knows how to break up properly. He is 40 but he clearly doesnt have enough emotional intelligence to do it properly. Its just immature to do what he did.

[Cherylyn]

Feel relieved that he's not in your life anymore.  Feel relieved that you know his real personality and true character.  Better to know now and end it than him playing a deceitful game with you and for you to discover his deceit later.  Good riddance! 

[Hlsl]

32 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Feel relieved that he's not in your life anymore.  Feel relieved that you know his real personality and true character.  Better to know now and end it than him playing a deceitful game with you and for you to discover his deceit later.  Good riddance! 

Thank you. You are right, it is already painful, it would have been much worse later.

[Hlsl]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

He might not be a player. I think you give this schmuck too much credit. Like he is so deep. lol

He may have only been in two relationships because he didn't know how to end them.

Just because someone has had relationships it doesn't mean they are good at them.  he may have been with women that were equally unable to communicate effectively and they were happy in their dysfunction 

You have a great intuition. I now realise that this is what happened. It took him two years to break up with his ex-partner, just because (according to him) he was afraid of being single again after 10 years. 

[Hlsl]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Would you treat someone you care about and have romantic feelings for the way he's treated you? Even if you were "depressed and stressed"? 

No. Even when I lost my father and I was in deep pain, I remember I still replied to people even when it felt hard to find the energy to do so.

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, Hlsl said:

You have a great intuition. I now realise that this is what happened. It took him two years to break up with his ex-partner, just because (according to him) he was afraid of being single again after 10 years. 

thanks but I don't think it's intuition. I think a lot of people and maybe you, try to see the best in people. When they let us down we look for reasons to be a better friend, a better partner. That's very admirable. but not everyone deserves those chances.  

One thing I've finally learned- people know what they do. they know they blew uou off, they know they are being a crap person, they know. and when poor behavior is excused away, they do it again.  

You need to hold yourself to stronger boundaries. You texted him twice. no response? then you gotta walk away.  Even if he were to contact you, there's no respect there.  With no respect there's no chance for a true authentic connection and relationship.

start seeing yourself and your time as the prize that it is and stop letting people waste it or benefit from your goodness with nothing in return.

otherwise you're just a fake as they are. 

[Hlsl]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

thanks but I don't think it's intuition. I think a lot of people and maybe you, try to see the best in people. When they let us down we look for reasons to be a better friend, a better partner. That's very admirable. but not everyone deserves those chances.  

One thing I've finally learned- people know what they do. they know they blew uou off, they know they are being a crap person, they know. and when poor behavior is excused away, they do it again.  

You need to hold yourself to stronger boundaries. You texted him twice. no response? then you gotta walk away.  Even if he were to contact you, there's no respect there.  With no respect there's no chance for a true authentic connection and relationship.

start seeing yourself and your time as the prize that it is and stop letting people waste it or benefit from your goodness with nothing in return.

otherwise you're just a fake as they are. 

Thank you so much for your advice, it has been very helpful to read all this. It's true, we spend so much energy looking for the best in people, that when they fail to raise to the image we created about them, we end up only seeing the worst in ourselves.

[Lambert]

22 minutes ago, Hlsl said:

Thank you so much for your advice, it has been very helpful to read all this. It's true, we spend so much energy looking for the best in people, that when they fail to raise to the image we created about them, we end up only seeing the worst in ourselves.

very profound statement Hlsl! 

I am close to your age and I spent a lot of my time in relationships being the one to fix things, let things slide, always taking the high road, being the bigger person, accepting people as they are.  All very noble things but very unfulfilling. 

At some point I started really focusing on myself and looking at my relationships from an observer point of view. Asking myself were my relationships at the level of mutual respect, equality &  understanding that I really needed? 

It was life changing. I let some relationships go.  It wasn't easy but it was necessary. I now have less people around me but the ones I do have are better than the ones I walked away from. I don't consider any of it a loss.

I appreciate what was but know I have to have that mutual respect and understanding of each other to be anything more than polite acquaintances.  not everyone rises to the potential. And that's ok.  They play in their circle and I in mine. 

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, Hlsl said:

Thank you so much for your advice, it has been very helpful to read all this. It's true, we spend so much energy looking for the best in people, that when they fail to raise to the image we created about them, we end up only seeing the worst in ourselves.

I don't do that.  Why do you think this is generally true? I do not.  Why do you think create images of people you don't know well and put all that energy looking for the best as opposed to simply using common sense and taking in information over a period of time to get to know the person through his actions? Why do you feel you choose to see the worst in yourself at that point? 

[Hlsl]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't do that.  Why do you think this is generally true? I do not.  Why do you think create images of people you don't know well and put all that energy looking for the best as opposed to simply using common sense and taking in information over a period of time to get to know the person through his actions? Why do you feel you choose to see the worst in yourself at that point? 

Good question. I thought I have taken my time throughout the past months to get to know him. Why I chose to see him in such a good light and why I suddenly felt so worthless when he disappeared...I honestly don't know. Maybe because I saw much of myself in him my tolerance level was higher than it should have, it was easier to accept and justify him.

[Hlsl]

34 minutes ago, Lambert said:

very profound statement Hlsl! 

I am close to your age and I spent a lot of my time in relationships being the one to fix things, let things slide, always taking the high road, being the bigger person, accepting people as they are.  All very noble things but very unfulfilling. 

At some point I started really focusing on myself and looking at my relationships from an observer point of view. Asking myself were my relationships at the level of mutual respect, equality &  understanding that I really needed? 

It was life changing. I let some relationships go.  It wasn't easy but it was necessary. I now have less people around me but the ones I do have are better than the ones I walked away from. I don't consider any of it a loss.

I appreciate what was but know I have to have that mutual respect and understanding of each other to be anything more than polite acquaintances.  not everyone rises to the potential. And that's ok.  They play in their circle and I in mine. 

Thank you for sharing this. I have done the same in the past years. I "cleaned" up my life quite drastically, I let go of people whom I thought would be there for the rest of my life. I have very few friends left, but I am happy with my choice, once I let them go I felt as if I was healed of a long disease. He was one of the friends I chose to keep and to trust. This is why it is so painful I guess. Not losing a romantic partner, although this hurts too. But losing the friendship and the intimacy it created before the romance part, this really hurts. 

[Lambert]

5 minutes ago, Hlsl said:

Thank you for sharing this. I have done the same in the past years. I "cleaned" up my life quite drastically, I let go of people whom I thought would be there for the rest of my life. I have very few friends left, but I am happy with my choice, once I let them go I felt as if I was healed of a long disease. He was one of the friends I chose to keep and to trust. This is why it is so painful I guess. Not losing a romantic partner, although this hurts too. But losing the friendship and the intimacy it created before the romance part, this really hurts. 

aww. I know it's a disappointment. I'm sorry.  I think as we get older it gets harder.  But take some time to heal and when you're ready start looking at the lesson here, be grateful you didn't spend any more time on him. Because at the end of the day, the people that let us down don't really deserve the tears. There are much more important and frankly happier things in life to fill your mind and time. 

demote the guy to inconsequential and a bullet thankfully dodged. 

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Hlsl said:

Good question. I thought I have taken my time throughout the past months to get to know him. Why I chose to see him in such a good light and why I suddenly felt so worthless when he disappeared...I honestly don't know. Maybe because I saw much of myself in him my tolerance level was higher than it should have, it was easier to accept and justify him.

I don't really follow from your word choice.  I don't see the connection between seeing someone in a good light and then feeling worthless if that person chooses not to be romantically involved with you.  I've justified other people's actions -like cutting someone slack if he is tired and irritable but I've never justified a person - I don't get what that means

[Hlsl]

22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't really follow from your word choice.  I don't see the connection between seeing someone in a good light and then feeling worthless if that person chooses not to be romantically involved with you.  I've justified other people's actions -like cutting someone slack if he is tired and irritable but I've never justified a person - I don't get what that means

Sometimes, when we are feeling insecure and unsure of ourselves, some of us tend to lose our self-worth if we don't feel validated by the others. At the same time, we tend to see others as being better than us, we idealise them. As I was saying, some of us, this does not have to apply to all people, we all go through life in our own way. This is why it is good to receive all your feedback here, I can see how other people approach the same situation and learn from it.

[Hlsl]

37 minutes ago, Lambert said:

aww. I know it's a disappointment. I'm sorry.  I think as we get older it gets harder.  But take some time to heal and when you're ready start looking at the lesson here, be grateful you didn't spend any more time on him. Because at the end of the day, the people that let us down don't really deserve the tears. There are much more important and frankly happier things in life to fill your mind and time. 

demote the guy to inconsequential and a bullet thankfully dodged. 

Thank you. It was really helpful and encouraging talking to you.