Not surprising, still painful.

[1a1a]

Slowly coming around. Really really really appreciate you commenting here. 

[1a1a]

Forgot to add, this came on the radio at work last night. I just caught the ‘can’t change who I am, are you strong enough to be my man?’ bit.

 

 

*SNORT* No!

[Batya33]

I like that song (and Sheryl Crow) and it's a very broad statement - I would counter with are you strong enough to make changes and have the humility to do so? Just a rhetorical question - not to get a man -just for you -I think it takes a lot of strength to do so.  And if someone accepts that their partner cannot or will not change and chooses to walk away is that person weak or is that person accepting incompatibility?

[1a1a]

I feel that. The not changing sentiment didn’t resonate with me (until I looked it up today I thought the line was ‘I can’t change who I am’ and the internal monologue was ‘I can, but he still tells me he’s ending it because my insecurity makes him insecure, so, on the basis of that, *** no he wasn’t strong enough.) Maybe the real reason  he ended it is ‘I’m not feeling it anymore’. I wish he’d said that, it’s the only reason that murders hope. 
 

Missing the potential of a relationship with him today. (Like, the companionship and knowing that person is in your corner and being held). But then thinking how when we were together he didn’t naturally plan much or contact me much. Like, did you know you can go ‘hey Siri, tell 1a1a how much I love her’ and Siri will compose a text and ask if you’d like to send it. It’s That easy. And the end of a long long long day when I was allegedly on his mind but he was too wiped to text or call, the amount of effort to ask Siri to do it is the effort it takes to speak two sentences! I only know because he sent me a message that way the last night we spent together.
 

What do you miss 1a1a? This person who, if they really did have romantic feelings and an attachment to you, was more comfortable pining over photos of you than actually contacting you, the flesh and blood person  to say hi?! This person who it was such an effort to get time with? Who once you had it was distracted by his used car sales side hustle? This person who thought it was more important to go and eat dinner with his housemate and finish his conversation with you? This person who needs two months to cool off every time he spends 6 weeks as your partner?!!!!

 

One of my co workers asked to see a picture of him the other day and I dug one out from WhatsApp, he’s at the 7 sisters in Victoria (ocean landmark), the sun is setting, he’s smiling. Look at that smiling face. Yeah, but that smiling face has assessed us a bad fit and left.

[Rose Mosse]

Maybe keep the private life and relationship/ex photos out of any workplace talks. He was part of your life but he isn’t anymore. 

[reinventmyself]

41 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

Missing the potential of a relationship with him today. (Like, the companionship and knowing that person is in your corner and being held). 
 

 

Just know that all the discomfort you are experiencing, he is too.  So, when he comes sniffing around, it isn't because there is a compromise and a clear understanding of what you need and how things will change.  It's merely him trying to assuage his discomfort and lacking the selfcontrol you are exhibiting. 

Don't confuse all this discomfort as a sign that you two are meant to be together

It's selfish, honestly.  He knows what you want.  Nothing has changed.  He reaches out in a weak moment so you can make him feel better.  At your cost.

It's that analogy of picking a scab.  Protect it and remember that every time he contacts you, you start from square one.  You are working hard at moving forward.  Don't let him ruin that.

[1a1a]

That’s been especially helpful thinking how we both experience the pain of coming apart. And sure enough, the last two times, it’s been that pain that brings him back, even though in his heart of hearts he still believes we’re a bad fit. 
 

I’ve been mostly looking forward. Just tonight, wave of grief time. Think about his smiling face, cry, think about how sad and pensive he looked the night he ended it. That smiling face is not for you 1a1a, nor is that sad looking one, or the person who plans his friend catch ups without checking when you’re available, the person who wasn’t secure enough to offer reciprocity, the person who thinks it’s more important to eat dinner with his house mate than sit with you, more important to bid on second hand cars than spend time with you, the person without the emotional maturity to introspect and see his part in how we clash, the person unable to reassure you when you seek it, and it’s not like you don’t have room for improvement in how you ask to have your needs met but this person who miss remembers events to suit his narrative, he’s not for you either, nor that person you were meant to explore Australia with, you never needed him to see the world with new eyes, buy your own bunches of flowers now (I legit have started doing this). 
 

Still sad. 
 

And a delivery to town stands between me and any kind of creature comforts of or distraction things at home. Blegh!

[1a1a]

The task of unloading the things and interacting with the venue manager (and navigating the bus driver who wanted to move into his bus zone I was partially parked in *whistles innocently* ) brought me back into the present moment and provided welcome relief. 
 

Now although I’m bone weary I’m gonna do a strenuous workout for a short duration of time. (And then sleep). 
 

I won’t be sad to see the back of the last wave of grief associated with this Indian boy who showered me in love and flattery and big dreams and manifest a tiny fraction of it. 

[1a1a]

Jogged in the drizzly night, it was nice, when I was back inside I thought about a drizzly walk up a hill in Tasmania when I was there last. We were meant to be going to Tasmania in two weeks time. The trips booked that were the first tangible sign of my commitment to him. And a reaffirmation of his to me. What a liar! If not to me then to himself. *sigh*

 

I thought jogging was meant to clear the mind. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Jogged in the drizzly night, it was nice, when I was back inside I thought about a drizzly walk up a hill in Tasmania when I was there last. We were meant to be going to Tasmania in two weeks time. The trips booked that were the first tangible sign of my commitment to him. And a reaffirmation of his to me. What a liar! If not to me then to himself. *sigh*

 

I thought jogging was meant to clear the mind. 

I have varying benefits from my exercise - sometimes lots sometimes none, everything in between.  On balance it's amazing what my daily workout does for me.  I hope on balance it works like that for you, too.

[boltnrun]

My walks have changed my life. I don't go every day but rather every other day plus both weekend days. I can feel and see the difference. It's amazing.

Plus the things you get to see while walking! My city is beautiful and amazing and heartbreaking and wonderful and has scary parts and nice people and questionable people and tourists and locals all wrapped up together. I see something interesting every day. It's great for my mental health. And I can take a short drive to mountains or a different beach or the desert or to huge college campuses. So much to see.

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My walks have changed my life. I don't go every day but rather every other day plus both weekend days. I can feel and see the difference. It's amazing.

Plus the things you get to see while walking! My city is beautiful and amazing and heartbreaking and wonderful and has scary parts and nice people and questionable people and tourists and locals all wrapped up together. I see something interesting every day. It's great for my mental health. And I can take a short drive to mountains or a different beach or the desert or to huge college campuses. So much to see.

From March 2020-November 2021 switched my daily power walk (I do 4.7mph so close to a running speed) from inside to all outside because of covid.  I too loved (!!) those aspects of it but didn't benefit as much because I had to go before 7am most days so I was more focused on staying safe.  We have a great jogging oval in our park down the block but I went only after 7am so it wouldn't be as desserted especially in the dark.  Purchasing a headlamp helped a lot. 

For me what's essential is working out early morning, first thing -I get it out of the way and don't have to worry that life will get in the way of my daily workout.  Or me getting in my own way and making excuses. 

I also like hearing about people who have no routine or structure but just set out when the mood strikes them -I don't have that privilege if I want to work out every day given work and childcare schedules but I like that attitude a lot too. So healthy.

[catfeeder]

10 hours ago, 1a1a said:

... What a liar! If not to me then to himself. *sigh*

I thought jogging was meant to clear the mind. 

Sounds as though it did give you some clarity here ^.

Hang in there, you can do this.

[1a1a]

I do tend to enjoy the things that I see when I’m out. 
 

I am a routineless person (work life is not conducive to it). In the past I had more free time during the week and a great work out habit where the exercise was triggered by my hunger for lunch. These last few days I’ve been squeezing it in before bed (upping the anti on what would have been in the past a walk). 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

I do tend to enjoy the things that I see when I’m out. 
 

I am a routineless person (work life is not conducive to it). In the past I had more free time during the week and a great work out habit where the exercise was triggered by my hunger for lunch. These last few days I’ve been squeezing it in before bed (upping the anti on what would have been in the past a walk). 

Do you wonder whether labeling yourself so set in stone is a self-fulfilling prophecy? Certainly like I wrote some people prefer a routine for exercise, others do not, still others get tons of exercise just from daily living activities like if they commute on their own two feet which I mostly did for 15 years.  I'm glad you enjoy being out and seeing stuff!  My son and I like people watching on our walk across the park to his new school -he decided he'd bet that he'd see at least one more jogger within 60 seconds.  We counted 5 like an "I spy" game.  Also love seeing different birds, etc.  

So as a routineless person you have no routine of when you typically eat or sleep? If you met someone who had routines -some or a lot -would that be an issue for you?  I know of people who live more impulsively, spontaneously - especially if their work is creative -some writers I know have a set routine, others simply cannot. 

I do not interact with people who subject me to their lack of routine if it means being late or flaking on a plan.  I'm fine if they want to keep it tentative because they do not like routines or if it's a group plan.  If the former, I often make other plans and don't wait around. 

My husband doesn't love to be on a schedule --- but if it suits him he does- meaning he schedules time to watch the sports game, he works late into the night and sleeps in -as opposed to being a morning person -that's a schedule that suits him so I know he might not "like" to be on a schedule (which many parents like us have to be on to some exent) but he does like it when it suits him. 

Do you like routines when it suits you -meaning if you got tickets to a concert would you have a routine in place to get there in time or would you stick to being routineless and if you missed the first song, etc that's ok -you're being you?  Again it's not "wrong" to be routineless for yourself -I just wonder if your broad statement is actually true for you in your real life. Most adults I know are not routineless.  Maybe you do know a lot who are!

[1a1a]

People watching is my favourite thing to do in town (and when I’m working at the casino, I dunno why but that crowd is interesting to look at).
 

Routine implies for me a certain rhythm/repetition/predictability.
 

Which back when I was doing those pre lunch work outs, I only worked fri/sat night and that life leant itself to routine better. These days my work hours vary wildly. The last psych I saw had a good suggestion of creating tomorrows routine before you go to bed based on your schedule. Haven’t had the brain space to try it yet though. 
 

I suppose prepping to leave the house does involve executing a routine, same with waking up and getting ready for bed but when I hear the word I think more like how the average day looks and this year the way the work has fallen has extra not leant itself to a rhythm.
 

I’ve been looking for meetup groups to attend the events of. It’s a bit disheartening there are so few in my area, the cost to participate is sometimes quite high, the members are low and most events clash with work (but not all….for 65 bucks I could take an alpaca for a walk and eat cheese. Seriously considering it….)

[Rose Mosse]

You can create a rhythm for yourself without depending on meet ups or meeting anyone. What do you want for your life? I’m speaking overall. Then work backwards and adjust your routines.

[boltnrun]

If you're having trouble sleeping, working out right before bed isn't the best idea. Your endorphins will still be pumping.

And there's no "try" to setup for the next day. You either choose to or you choose not to. Ask yourself what exactly is preventing you from doing it? If it's "I don't feel like it", you're choosing not to make a change that could improve your life. Own it instead of being a passive passenger in your own life.

[catfeeder]

14 hours ago, 1a1a said:

most events clash with work (but not all….for 65 bucks I could take an alpaca for a walk and eat cheese. Seriously considering it….)

OMG! That sounds fun!

I mean, in and of itself it sounds fun, but also, wouldn't it be fabulous to learn what kind of people you would meet who would also want to do that?

Where on earth else could you Alpaca-bond?

(I'll be picturing this for days...)

[1a1a]

Inorite?! Didn’t get to go because the group was already full. But I did find an open hiking group and went on a hike Sunday, it was really good. That’s a thing that I think can fill my extravert cup when it’s empty. 
 

My ex reached out last Friday, invited me for coffee. We met up Sunday. Of course the magnetism is still there in person, we got onto us eventually. I told me if his plans in the coming year since we’ve broken up none of which involve finding a woman to start a family with of course! And he said when he found someone he’d have to date them for a while to see how they work together. No kidding?! Why won’t you do that with me?! I had questions to ask but we ran out of time. 
 

Picked up that conversation again over the last two nights. When I think about trying a 4th time the emotion that comes up for me is fear. He thinks, that the question of when to have kids has always been the deal breaker for him and if our wants line up on that then he’s all in for life. Hmm. It’s just words though. He did also acknowledge choices he’s made in the past that would erode my trust. He’s been treating this like dating, not a serious relationship. Which does seem to be a black and white distinction in his head. There’s women you date, and your wife to be. And how much they get prioritised varies dramatically. Stupid thing is though, as long as he treats me like a casual thing I will Never build up the trust to go all in with him. I think he knows that now. He identified some things he could/would do differently going forward. 
 

Spoke to the psych about it too. She said, well maybe one way to break the pattern is to actually move in (which could be a pretty different dynamic and a context in which he can be much more present and reassuring. Also, that would assuage his fear that I will bail at any moment). 
 

I’m digesting the new data at the moment. I think, I am not assuaged. Until he can tell me why he ends the relationship first, then, in a couple of weeks time is able to articulate the fears that lead him to take that action, I have no encouragement that that won’t happen again. He thinks it just won’t ever happen again because if I want to start a family in the next year or so we have no more deal breakers. Except we do, well I do. Putting a pin in sources of conflict and never coming back to them. I told them if he ever told me ‘I can’t win a fight with you 1a1a’ again, I’m out. 
 

This is peculiar new territory for me, in the past I think I just would have reconciled and been relieved. This time, my life is pretty full. Tasked for a third time with re imagining my life without him I have done it successfully. I do want to have that experience of making a nest and starting a family. With him maybe even but only if he can identify why he presses eject first and talks it out later.

 

Hmm, he gave me his house keys. To build trust. I guess that is a new development. But the ability to introspect I value more highly. And he does seem to have done some. This is the first time he’s said ‘I could do differently so you’ll feel more secure’ (instead of ‘whyyyyyyy is 1a1a insecure?!’ When I’ve told him a million times what actions make me insecure and he’s just not listening). Do more Indian boy, do more! 

[DarkCh0c0]

6 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Hmm, he gave me his house keys. To build trust.

Why did you take them?

Honestly, stop entertaining him and cut him out of your life. He's not worthy investing yourself in.

And like you said, you are getting better on your own. Let him go...

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Why did you take them?

Honestly, stop entertaining him and cut him out of your life. He's not worthy investing yourself in.

And like you said, you are getting better on your own. Let him go...

I saw nothing in what you wrote that suggested even a little bit that you two should get back together in a serious way.  I saw that you two have chemistry. 

That is so incredibly outweighed by the bad stuff I can't imagine why you'd proceed as you are - no, I don't mean "but I love him" - you don't seem to -the way you write about it is almost like it's happening to someone else and you're focusing on cutes-ifying it and trend-ifying it and using psychospeak -maybe as a way to avoid the simple basics again? I love when you write in a simple straightforward, brief way -it's so obvious to me at least that wow you "got it" -when you devolve into this verbage stuff it's flowery, it's interesting to read -and it's you lying to yourself again me thinks.  JMHO.

[boltnrun]

Are you continuing to try to force this obvious mismatch because you don't want to go through the pain of a breakup?