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Happy 1st Month to my GladysJane :)
Happy 1st Month to my GladysJane :)


Reconciled with my Indian guy. It was good, then there was conflict (over our differing timelines for children, still, this hasn’t changed, why did he reconcile if it’s still a sticking point for him?!) And a lack of contact time.
 

We signed up for couples counselling, had our first joint session the other day. I felt like I said the same things I’ve been saying the entire time but he reacted like it was all new to him and at one point said I was lying! (When pressed for further clarification the next day I think he meant my wounds from past relationships affect my perception and maybe he doesn’t have the words to express that but saying your partner is lying when you’re trying to resolve conflict is still pretty brutal).

 

Anyway, I left that session with a better idea of what damage I’m bringing to the table and the negative effects of that and the realisation that I want our lives to be more integrated and I can play a role in that. And he left full of doubts.

 

Like, we need to have a serious conversation and depending on how that conversation goes he will want to continue or break up doubts.

 

Last night he needed space and I needed contact and he would not budge so once again I was left feeling abandoned (which is my thing to work on but also damn this guy triggers that fear like crazy). In a more logical frame of mind I understand and endorse taking the space to know your own thoughts and feelings, it’s essential. When my cup is full I can cope with waiting for that quite well. My cup is empty. His cup is empty. And now I have to work through a weekend with this conversation looming over my head. He’s free to have it today or tomorrow but I’m not. (And so it’s ‘my fault’ that we haven’t had it yet even though I was free and asking to see him last night and he was free in one sense of the word, but unavailable in an emotional sense.)

 

The price of admission, pretty frequent experiences of being abandoned, also dismissed and minimised. 
 

The price of admission he’d have to pay to stay with me, my fear of abandonment, which I’m working on, but it’s not like I can flick a switch and be free of it.

 

Ugh, the therapist was telling me this guy is not the men from past who left me. But he is not a solid rock. He’s in the process of considering leaving me right now! This will be the third time in 10 months, he leaves me often. How am I meant to develop a sense of trust? Why is he so surprised that I am lacking in that trust when I have already experienced him leaving me twice (he says ‘I didn’t go anywhere, I kept asking to see you, I stayed in contact, I didn’t really leave’ but you did say the words, I want to end this!)


 

 


 


 


 


 

 

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49 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

why did he reconcile if it’s still a sticking point for him?!

Why did you reconcile with the guy who left you unceremoniously? Twice!

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". That is what you are doing to yourself. With the guy who you are clearly incomatible and cant make it work. Why would you even think that he would abandon the idea of you making him a kid as soon as possible? Because he came back? He came back because he maybe missed you. Or because he has no other prospects. That didnt mean that you could magically make it work somehow.

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No doubt this is painful and I'm sorry for what you're going through.  Everything you wrote outlines all the ways you're incompatible. (I'm sorry) 

You don't have to be compatible to be attracted and to love each other, but you do need equal parts effort and compromise to make it work.  but when you think about wanting different things & not understanding the other's needs, it's really hard to see where the happiness comes in. 

sometimes love just isn't enough and that's why it hurts so much. Time to move on for good. 

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3 hours ago, 1a1a said:

Ugh, the therapist was telling me this guy is not the men from past who left me. But he is not a solid rock. He’s in the process of considering leaving me right now! This will be the third time in 10 months, he leaves me often. How am I meant to develop a sense of trust? Why is he so surprised that I am lacking in that trust when I have already experienced him leaving me twice (he says ‘I didn’t go anywhere, I kept asking to see you, I stayed in contact, I didn’t really leave’ but you did say the words, I want to end this!)

There's your answer, right there.

And why do you want to continue anything with him? 😕 .

of course you're gonna get more damaged prying after some man who doesn't have it together and is stressing you out..again!

So- how about YOU just be done with all of this?  Be involved with someone who DOES actually care and tries to work with you...

 

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6 hours ago, 1a1a said:

, the therapist was telling me this guy is not the men from past who left me. But he is not a solid rock. He’s in the process of considering leaving me right now! This will be the third time in 10 months, 

Sorry this is happening. Listen to your therapist. Why torment yourself with choosing the wrong men and worse, going back to someone who treats you as disposable?

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I'm very sorry you're disappointed in how this is turning out.

Agree with all the above. You're overanalyzing him and yourself.  Common sense - most people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  If a person doesn't want to be with them (I don't care if it's in friendship or romance or whatever) -especially more than once -common sense is you move on so you don't move in the direction of pain. 

Nothing to  do with past loves, cups that are empty or full or half full -other than yes for someone with a past like that it might hurt "more" but has nothing to do with the initial common sense basic simple reaction "ouch it hurts when I hit my head against the wall but if I look where I'm going next time and slow down a bit I can avoid hitting my head. I'll try it!/if I don't take the calls of the person who treated me with disrespect/flaked on me/called me names, whatever then I can avoid getting another boo boo"

You wasting your time on a therapist is you blowing this out of proportion beyond common sense because it allows you to justify staying put (or returning) because you are "working" on things. In quotes.  Your pain is being alone.  That's likely why you rinse/repeat.  It has nothing to do with you needing to "understand" him or you better or "work" on being compatible. 

Once you can face the fear of being "alone" (meaning not dating anyone seriously) then you'll stop justifying all this needless drama and expense.

I hope you choose to do so.  And as an aside healthy couples don't need this level of space that you two need.  With rare exception.  I don't think you are one of the exceptions.  Do you?

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13 hours ago, 1a1a said:


Reconciled with my Indian guy. It was good, then there was conflict (over our differing timelines for children, still, this hasn’t changed, why did he reconcile if it’s still a sticking point for him?!) And a lack of contact time.
 

We signed up for couples counselling, had our first joint session the other day. I felt like I said the same things I’ve been saying the entire time but he reacted like it was all new to him and at one point said I was lying! (When pressed for further clarification the next day I think he meant my wounds from past relationships affect my perception and maybe he doesn’t have the words to express that but saying your partner is lying when you’re trying to resolve conflict is still pretty brutal).

 

Anyway, I left that session with a better idea of what damage I’m bringing to the table and the negative effects of that and the realisation that I want our lives to be more integrated and I can play a role in that. And he left full of doubts.

 

Like, we need to have a serious conversation and depending on how that conversation goes he will want to continue or break up doubts.

 

Last night he needed space and I needed contact and he would not budge so once again I was left feeling abandoned (which is my thing to work on but also damn this guy triggers that fear like crazy). In a more logical frame of mind I understand and endorse taking the space to know your own thoughts and feelings, it’s essential. When my cup is full I can cope with waiting for that quite well. My cup is empty. His cup is empty. And now I have to work through a weekend with this conversation looming over my head. He’s free to have it today or tomorrow but I’m not. (And so it’s ‘my fault’ that we haven’t had it yet even though I was free and asking to see him last night and he was free in one sense of the word, but unavailable in an emotional sense.)

 

The price of admission, pretty frequent experiences of being abandoned, also dismissed and minimised. 
 

The price of admission he’d have to pay to stay with me, my fear of abandonment, which I’m working on, but it’s not like I can flick a switch and be free of it.

 

Ugh, the therapist was telling me this guy is not the men from past who left me. But he is not a solid rock. He’s in the process of considering leaving me right now! This will be the third time in 10 months, he leaves me often. How am I meant to develop a sense of trust? Why is he so surprised that I am lacking in that trust when I have already experienced him leaving me twice (he says ‘I didn’t go anywhere, I kept asking to see you, I stayed in contact, I didn’t really leave’ but you did say the words, I want to end this!)


 

 


 


 


 


 

 

No, he is not a solid rock. It’s time to let go. Listen to your instincts once and for all and don’t backtrack.

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I posted and then I worked like crazy and didn’t get a chance to come back to this until a few days later, by which time we had had a good conversation and a really nice night and I thought we were stronger than ever and had patched things up. 
 

second joint counselling session and he’s all like ‘I am feeling good, I am feeling fine’ in the session and as soon as we leave it he’s like ‘it’s like you’re two different people and I don’t know you, I can’t do this, I’m done’.

 

That was my cue to bow out gracefully but I haven’t yet developed the discipline to fight my urge to cling. Instead I clung, disbelieving, he’s already done this twice and not meant it, surely he doesn’t mean it this time either. In the end he was stonewalling me but I wasn’t cogniscent of it in time (if I can catch and identify this sooner then that really really is my cue to bow out for the day. Nothing ever got made worse by leaving it alone hey?!) I would say something and he’d just parrot it back. That’s the exercise the psychologist gave us, to repeat back what the other said. But the intention was to gain a clearer understanding of what each other was trying to say. He wasn’t doing that he was just shutting me down by agreeing to everything. I was so hurt I punched him on the arm. Not super hard but harder than playful. Line crossed. He’s truly shutting down now, off to the gym to work out his anger. Invitation previously extended to stay the night (even though he’s ended it, mixed message much?) rescinded. 
 

Now I’m about to drive home, and, you know what? I think I might be at acceptance. Still hoping to reconcile like an idiot, but only if he addresses the stonewalling thing. And, I dunno, I think he gets in a headspace sometimes where he goes super black and white and unreasonable. And the best thing to do in that time is leave him alone but because I’m a clingy bugger I cling and get hurt and then hurt him and it’s a bad combination. Back to the driving home, I’m picturing the future where we don’t get back together and it’s triggering neutral feelings. Like, he wasn’t that in my life anyway. Imagine breaking up with someone because they say they want to see you 5 nights a week?! What that actual ***?!

 

I’m thinking about how if I stayed with him there would be more conflicts that couldn’t be resolved while he was in the head space he’s in tonight. 
 

The ***er told the psych he has no triggers and no baggage but what is that head space if not the product of a trigger?! How can anyone form a strong relationship with him if he won’t take ownership of that?! 
 

I am so so glad to have this thread (and the several that came before it) of you all calmly and repeatedly populating the cons list for this guy. It helps, it really really helps. Like right now, my initial reaction was to cling and beg and plead and 3 hours later I feel uncommonly calm (or is this shock? Maybe I already did the grieving for this guy, a couple of times actually. Is it really such an earth shattering loss to lose someone so unable to resolve conflicts with me?)

The true test would be not walking away from tonight but walking away from the whole dumpster fire. I don’t think I’ve done enough strength training for that how do I strengthen those muscles?!

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14 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

The true test would be not walking away from tonight but walking away from the whole dumpster fire. I don’t think I’ve done enough strength training for that how do I strengthen those muscles?!

Know your worth and don't settle.

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Annnnd, he just called to check I’m ok. I know this call, this is an assuage guilt call. That is ok, guilt be assuaged. Break ups are painful but the right thing to happen, ‘you do your thing, I’ll be here practicing radical acceptance’ (muscles on that are weak af but here is an opportunity to grow them. Imagine getting to the point where I accept the thing is over as soon as someone says it, ahhhhhh I’m gonna feel like a graduated uni the day I manage that! Life goals!)

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Please stop getting in your own way and labeling yourself as someone who clings as if it's someone outside of you -in that passive way.  I hope the therapist helps you individually to make choices and not give in to this kind of self defeating labeling of yourself to justify maintaining the status quo.  He's all over the place.  And you knew that already. You don't need to tell yourself you need "radical acceptance".  It's as basic as putting one foot in front of the other.  I hope it does help to post and -separately -I am sorry this feels so stressful and painful for you!!

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Preferences or non-preferences for differing timelines for children will never go away and will always be an endless disagreement.  Lack of contact time will grow into continued repetition.

He accused you of lying.  Being accused of lying is something that is impossible to recover from unless there is sincere remorse and an owed apology to you otherwise the relationship is dead in the water.  After being accused of being a liar,  I don't even bother defending myself to clear my name anymore.  Once anyone calls me a liar despite my knowing I've told the honest truth, I'm done, dissolve and exit the relationship immediately and permanently.   Should our paths cross, I'm civil; no more no less.  I do not engage anymore because it's over.  Make this crystal clear.   I agree being accused of lying is not only brutal, it's very nasty and anyone who accuses you of lying is shutting you down to force you to shut up.  It works, too because suddenly you've lost all respect and former admiration for said person.  All of your previous heart goes down the drain.  💔 Anyone telling you that you're a liar is a MAJOR deal breaker.  I'm emphatic when I say this because there are no ands, ifs or buts about this.  It's disgusting, an infuriating offense, an irrevocably broken relationship and real insult to your integrity.  Being called a liar is the same as calling you a thief or cheater.  You can't take those words back.

He will continue to break up doubts.  You are being gaslit.  Google "gaslighting."  I've been a victim of both:  Being told that I'm a liar, I'll be haunted for lying AND gaslit all my life was courtesy of several relatives.  Gaslighting is deflecting, changing the subject, causing YOU to perceive that you don't have the correct facts, you are crazy, causing you to question your sanity and it's the nastiest form of psychological warfare and manipulation.  It's about controlling the conversation so you're left trying to clarify the situation.  You are deliberately steered into a swirl of maddening confusion.  Never fall for this old trick because it is as old as time.

He needs space?  Give him all the permanent space he needs and wants.  It's time to go your separate ways.  He's unemotionally available.  He lacks emotional intelligence (empathy).  Google "emotional intelligence" because all relationships are doomed for failure without emotional intelligence.

Dismissing and minimizing you is his way of letting you know that you don't matter that much to him.  You are not that important in his life so he treats you as such so you should return the favor and do likewise.  Either accept him the way he and tolerate him because you can't change him or make a decision to dissolve and exit this incompatible relationship.  It's your choice.

Change the way you think.  Instead of thinking that you'll be abandoned, think of parting ways as freedom.  It's freedom from unnecessary angst, stress and habitual unkindness.  Don't have low self esteem.  Have confidence in yourself knowing that you are intelligent and deserve to be free of toxic disrespect.   You can be free of it if you shift your thinking.  It's better to be alone than feel lonely with the wrong man in your life.   It's very liberating to have a tough mind. 

If he's in the process of considering leaving you right now, let him leave.  There is the door.  Who cares if he's not a solid rock?  You're the one who has to be the solid rock for YOURSELF AND YOUR life. 

You can't trust him.  He's not a real man.  A real man knows how to behave honorably.  Your Indian guy is a bad apple.  He's a reject. 

He's surprised that you don't trust him?  Don't even bother explaining anything to him anymore because you're just wasting your breath, time and energy.  You should be wary and jaded by now.  

End this so you can truly move on with your life.   

Some people in your life were not meant to be.  Many people have experiences with many people and you'll learn to decipher who deserves to be in your life and who does not qualify because they lack empathy, emotional intelligence, respect and kindness towards you.  It's very basic.  Either people treat you right or you don't want to be with them anymore. 

 


 

 

 

 


 

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Despite being run ragged from the last couple of weeks I keep waking up. Like a tongue to the gap where a missing tooth was my mind keeps going back to ‘we’re broken up oh no’


Good catch on the framing Batya. When I hear something like him saying ‘I want to break up’ it really does feel like I need to fight against myself, fear and anxiety spike, my thoughts go ‘you’re never going to see this person again if you leave’ and I stay like that’s going to fix their feeling of being done. It never once has. 
 

Thank you Cherylin, I needed to see that. He said it again today in the car, when we have two very different impressions of what the outcome of a conversation was, someone has to be lying. And it’s not him….so. He’s not able or willing to consider that he might have said and meant something one way and I heard it another. That was Why the therapist asked us to repeat what the other said back. People do have different memories of the same event and they don’t leap to ‘my partner is actively practicing to deceive me’. Maybe that says a lot about the impression he has of me. 
 

I love this framing ‘freedom from unnecessary angst, stress and habitual unkindness.’ I’m still trying to work out if he is unkind. He has stepped up in ways but maybe us together equals stress and angst, because of how we interact. His problem resolving skills are like zero though. None. He did step up and come up counselling and it made him want to break up, hearing my side of things. Not exactly encouraging honesty from me. And tonight, we go inside and then he goes into the kitchen to eat dinner with housemate. (And then they don’t eat dinner and they’re just catching up on each other’s days. Like, you understand the importance of spending time with your friend to maintain the relationship but you’re breaking up with me over the idea of spending 5 nights a week together heading towards moving in?! ) Presently I made a comment and he offered we go in his room. That he even thought that was a good course of action in the first place?!! The things that get me are him stepping up his communication with me when asked and being steady in wanting us to move in and start a family, the hall marks of a settled relationship, he’s unbelievably resistant to actually having the experiences that would grow a relationship though (????). Like if he didn’t love and he wasn’t committed why would he sit with the intense discomfort of my wanting to go slower and make a conscious effort to take actions (calling me when he gets free) outside of what he would naturally do?

Got to be my own rock. Going home as soon as I could have tonight would have been a good way to be my own rock. (Reminding myself of what bad things I’d be going back to maybe also a good way. )
 

I wish my body would let me sleep more than two hours. Time to try again. 

 

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I'm sorry about your insomnia.  Hopefully, once you attain peace from release, you will be able to get a good night's rest.

Change the way you think from 'we're broken up oh no' to 'we're broken up oh yes and finally woo hoo!' 🙂

If you're never going to see this person again, tell yourself, 'Good riddance!  I've dodged a bullet!'

Thank you for your kind words,  1a1a.

"Someone has to be lying."   🤨  He's getting trickier by the minute!  I don't know what is worse; being called a liar or having someone insinuate and imply that you're a liar.  It's all the same to me because he's basically calling you a liar ~ again.  I've been called a liar not once but TWICE by the same person.  I was a fool for forgiving the first time and giving this person the benefit of the doubt.  I felt so stupid.  Sure enough, this person dared to call me a liar yet AGAIN.  Now, I'm truly convinced that the relationship is dead.  My only regret was that I didn't realize this sooner and earlier as I should have.  I could've saved myself a lot of unnecessary grief.

Your Indian guy is complex and he's turning into your project.  No man should be high maintenance.  He's playing you for a fool.

Yes, he's unkind.  Unkind is not treating you with consideration, respect, empathy, clear communication, sincerity and a humble heart.  There is zero humility.  He lacks emotional intelligence (empathy). 

It's easier for him to breakup with you than deal with you.  It's easier for him to walk away than communicate articulately.  He wants convenience and to him, you're just noise.  He wants to take the easy way out so let him.  He's too much work. Why exhaust yourself?  He's very draining.

He prefers to eat dinner with his housemate.  You are not a primary concern in his life so return the favor and do likewise. 

Don't move in together.  He's a waste.  Don't move in and start a family.  What a huge blunder and your life will be filled with misery and terrible regrets.  A relationship will not grow from moving in and starting a family.  You need to choose the right man to have a future with and the Indian guy is less than mediocre. 

You need to let this guy go.  He's a no-go.

Yes, be your own rock.  Be strong and tough.  Weakness is not an option.  You have to be strong and tough otherwise others will outsmart you and take advantage of your naivete. 

Take a hot (very warm or warm) bath or shower so you'll sleep better at bedtime.    🥱 😴

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

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I like Cheryln's insomnia advice and I'll tack this on -I used to do this when I traveled for business so I didn't have to launder the extra towels I used lol.  I would take a warm shower before bed but I'd have the whole bed ready to climb into - my book on the nightstand, etc my PJs ready -so that as soon as I got out of the shower and used their hotel towels I could climb into bed -felt like a spa to me.  Certainly helped me fall asleep.  

What I wrote above applies to the twist yourself into a pretzel stuff you wrote above.

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It's 847 degrees in my apartment and I don't have AC.

I can arrest that a cool shower followed by relaxing in bed (or, on the bed as I can't tolerate even a sheet in this heat) is amazing and does wonders for insomniacs. Just be sure to avoid the mistakes I've made, like eating something with chocolate in it (chocolate has caffeine) or drinking coffee or tea in the late afternoon or evening.

Also, despite believing this man is the cure for your anxiety and insomnia, trying to force this relationship is actually the cause. Eliminate the cause and eliminate the problems.

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There Is zero humility. When he’s in this kind of breaking up with 1a1a everything is bad mood he has the audacity to compare himself to other men and say he’s better ‘I want to move in with you, I want to start a family with you, what guys are wanting that? *compares himself to my friends partners* ‘ Yeah, but you don’t really. Because the only way to have that now is to go back in time and want it when you wanted it and now you won’t even try a different communication strategy and seeing each other more frequently. Won’t even try it!

 

I do nightly have a very hot shower before bed (and before trying to nap). I’ll try actually getting up when I wake up and having another. (Or a cool one when summer hits. The weather is warming up now and under my blanket was too hot last night but under the sheet was too cold, it didn’t help). 
 

The thought came into my head about having to cancel our flights and bookings for a trip to Tasmania in oct, and India in December (my flight for India, he is still going). That’s such a crushing thought. But the thought of going on those trips solo is just as painful. Although maybe I could still do india for a shorter time and seek out a meditation retreat that could tie in with the kinds of ideas I’ve been learning from Eckhart Tolle and Ram Dass. I still want to see more of the world. 
 

So I’m listening to Ram Dass talking about personality and emotions and he says let go of it. Someone says or does something that angers or hurts you? That’s a you problem. You don’t need them to change their behaviour you need to get out from underneath it. And I’m back in my exs room hearing him shut down and parrot back everything I say. I think the point where I could have stepped back from the thing escalating had already been passed. I should have left as soon as we reached his place. Why didn’t I leave. I was afraid of it ending. Why am I afraid. 

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All the other things that were wrong between us and my brain is fixating on how I punched him and I crossed the line and I broke it. Why do brains do this? No I don’t have any control over it (what my brain is throwing up. But ok yes I have some control over whether or not I feed the thought). Yes going forward if I can’t get a handle on my reactivity I will break more connections. Yes if the tables were turned and he had punched me I would be rattled too (does how rattled depend on how hard?) I asked him to punch me afterwards to even us out. He couldn’t and wouldn’t. *** that just makes me feel even more like I lost someone good (even though there is a long list of things about us together that aren’t good if I just read through my threads here. Long list. Longest list.) Already grieved this twice why do I have to grieve this again. Why is it so hard to just call it this us no good not working bin it and move on?!

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Because it's simple but not easy. People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  You get more benefit out of the status quo and ruminating so you can tell yourself you're "working" on yourself and the relationship.  Are you getting enough brisk cardio exercise of whatever kind -the kind you do for at least 20 minutes without stopping? Angry cleaning counts.  That will help get you out of your head I think.  

Doing what is right for yourself is often hard in a variety of areas of life.  There is no such thing as "I grieved this already, so why...." -there's sometimes  a moving on or end date or fading.  Sometimes not.  Often it's not because the griever makes choices to keep it going.  You are choosing to keep grieving by choosing to keep interacting with him.  If you make that choice as you are you will hear more obnoxious comments and criticisms from him.  And if you don't walk away you will be tempted to punch him again out of anger - even if a joke because of your anger it might end up not being a joke swat.  Now  you see that you can be pushed to acting on anger -that you choose to react this way instead of walking away.  He is not a person who is safe to interact with.  This is one reason why.

I know you may not see the analogy but I had to walk away from two cashiers at my local grocery store who were treating me horribly - I could have escalated it verbally -continued the discussion -I did for a second, realized it was not worth it, stayed silent until I could leave, stayed silent as far as reporting them to the manager. 

But oh how I wanted to tell them what I thought, report them to the manager, get justice, fairness, etc.  But I made myself walk away.  I made myself leave it be. It was really hard.  But the alternative was I may have out of frustration said the wrong thing.  I may have reported them and then gone back and been retaliated against.  Don't dress up your situation in all this verbiage and psychobabble - it's basically the same-how we choose to react to disrespect.  No exact science.  

Yes all the logistics of ending things is annoying, stressful -been there done that.  I'm sorry you're struggling.  

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Not even remotely enough cardio (there hasn’t even been enough time for sleep lately but work is slowing down this week, perfectly coinciding with the break up of course! There will be some work outs over the coming days!) I read your post, grabbed my umbrella and dragged myself out for a walk down the creek. The rain fell and the swollen creek rushed and roared and I walked past a fat, squat hopping thing in the dark (could this be an amphibian?!!!) and one other human who remarked ‘you must be as crazy as me’. We who venture out are treated to the serenity of it. Perhaps the walk down the creek is a decent anchor. I need more though, more portable ones, more in the moment ones. For absolute certain I feel better now than before I left though. 

 

The analogy is perfect, you can get carried away with the feeling or you can see it coming and choose to choose an action that doesn’t feed it. 
 

Choosing to keep grieving by choosing to keep interacting *turns the sentence over and over until it sinks in*

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This man isn't the solution to your anxiety and fear. Your interactions with him are the cause of them.

Side note, what is "angry cleaning", @Batya33? Do you get angry because you have to clean? I find cleaning is a necessity, not something to be angry about. And the result of a clean home makes me happy, not angry. I love when my floors are shining and clean dishes are stacked in the drainer.

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3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

This man isn't the solution to your anxiety and fear. Your interactions with him are the cause of them.

Side note, what is "angry cleaning", @Batya33? Do you get angry because you have to clean? I find cleaning is a necessity, not something to be angry about. And the result of a clean home makes me happy, not angry. I love when my floors are shining and clean dishes are stacked in the drainer.

No -angry cleaning is when you are in a bad mood - not about cleaning - just bad mood or cranky or whatever -  and transfer the negative energy into vigorous cleaning -like scrubbing a floor for example. Or running around the house with an empty garbage bag decluttering.  So then you have the win win of letting go of the negative energy with a clean floor or less stuff in your space as a result.

Oh and yes some cleaning irritates me when it has to do with a spill that happens while I'm trying to get to an appointment or like that.  I'm glad you get so much out of cleaning! I love the accomplishment of a clean floor and I do it like my mom and grandma and my husband's grandma did -hands and knees. 

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I keep reminding myself of that boltnrun. Remind remind remind!

There is so much in my house that needs cleaning. Today I left the house for a solo session with couples psych (got off to a really rocky start because she questioned if he had actually broken up or if my insecurity is blowing up something. It wasn’t until I said I had asked him multiple times that night if we were really broken up and every time he said yes that she finally took my word for it). From then on mostly moving on focussed (of course I am still resistant to this. Hard to get my head around to he’s a bad fit and he won’t change so take the lessons and end this chapter already). Despite the resistance I’ll do the things she recommended (mostly planning related, like organising a new version of the India trip without him and cancelling Tasmania bookings and generally dreaming and planning where my life is heading. And she asked what I’m going to do in a month when he comes sniffing back because he will. And you could go again, maybe you need more rounds before you finally go ‘no’. Ooof.

But I suppose that set the tone for the day not bad and gave me a direction after break up (forward, go forward!)

Brain is throwing up assorted us specific things which is sad making because I’ll never have those kinds of moments with him again. And there’s a song he’s been playing a lot lately that comes unbidden into my head every time there’s silence. It’s a beautiful song but no no no please don’t make me listen to this right now I heard it so much in his bedroom, in good times and in tense, stressful times. I’d like to be out of that room now please? 

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Today’s mantra, I don’t at all believe in manifestation but I am open to the idea if I repeat this thought in my head or out loud a lot, I may create a strong neural pathway for it, which beats having strong neural pathways for other thoughts that have liked to hang around like ‘I’m never going to find anyone’ and ‘the last of my youth is going to fade away in singledom’. 
 

The one for me is out there and I will meet him soon. 

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