Overcoming porn addiction?

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

No agenda, I simply see therapy pushed a lot online when people don't think of its implications. Before I bare my soul to a random stranger, who's going to pretend to care in exchange for money, I want to make sure it's the right move.

Oh that's really too bad. I never push therapy.  That would be silly. Never seen anyone push therapy on this forum in all my years. I have seen many people ask for advice but in reality they want to vent and be validated at how awful a place the world is, how society is causing all their problems, etc.

Certainly never give money to someone who would pretend to care in exchange for money.  I never thought of therapists as caring in that sense.  They are professionals providing a service in exchange for money.  I would hope they care greatly about doing the very best by each of their clients and working as hard as they can to provide the best service possible. Similar to other professionals like massage therapists, electricians, lawyers, accountants, nurse practitioners, etc.

[JoyfulCompany]

56 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I never thought of therapists as caring in that sense.  They are professionals providing a service in exchange for money.

This is true but not all therapists are emotionally sterile. Depends on their personal ethics. I've heard from two therapists, whose podcasts I follow plus my own that they can't help someone they don't like/care about (while still keeping a professional boundary). I know and feel my therapist cares about me and she often thinks about me outside of our sessions and I care about her, too. And we're no friends.
We've been through a lot, I've challenged her many times, we've had arguments, I've felt annoyed and hostile towards her (which is also type of transference) and it's all part of the process. I have many positive and stable changes that came with therapy, foundation of tools to navigate through hardships, many revelations... and a few topics that are tougher to crack but there's definitely progress even there.

It never felt like she changed me. It felt like I did a lot of work and had stable unconditional support (and important moments mirrored back at me). Some people work better with more challenge, that's why it's essential to find a therapist who feels comfortable to you.

[Tinydance]

2 hours ago, metalfantom said:

I believe you missed the point I was making.

Obviously, a therapist cannot change either of those things, so what's the point of someone like me going to see one? They're not miracle workers. Some people are just irreparably broken.

I think if you're talking about being broken, that's on the inside, not necessarily outside. It's true that a therapist can't change anyone's appearance but they can definitely help their patients work on the "broken" inside themselves.

I'd like to also go back to your theme of being unattractive, etc. I love reading true stories and biographies and watching documentary and true story movies. I've actually come across people in these stories who got severely burnt, scarred, lost their arm in an accident, things like that. But afterwards those people actually found a partner and even had children. In fact these people became inspirational and went on to write those books I read, or there were movies and documentaries made about them. Yes they did struggle of course physically and mentally but they never gave up.

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, metalfantom said:

I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other. A female therapist may be less intimidating and offer a different perspective, whereas a male therapist may be able to relate more intuitively with what I'm going through. Also, patients have to be careful of transference when seeing a therapist of the opposite sex.

Besides, a therapist can't change human nature or external reality. They can only work with what they've got. Let's say they see a physically abnormal, socially inept person well past their formative years. You honestly think they're going to transform them into a functioning member of society?

Actually, they don't have to transform anyone and on their own they can't. The person has to actually work on themselves and the therapist is there to listen and help. They help all kinds of people. I'm sure some have been in horrific accidents, been in the war, missing limbs, in a wheelchair, etc. What is your argument, that just because you have some kind of facial defect that no therapist can help you? You're not the only person in the world who doesn't look perfect. 

[metalfantom]

17 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I think if you're talking about being broken, that's on the inside, not necessarily outside. It's true that a therapist can't change anyone's appearance but they can definitely help their patients work on the "broken" inside themselves.

I'd like to also go back to your theme of being unattractive, etc. I love reading true stories and biographies and watching documentary and true story movies. I've actually come across people in these stories who got severely burnt, scarred, lost their arm in an accident, things like that. But afterwards those people actually found a partner and even had children. In fact these people became inspirational and went on to write those books I read, or there were movies and documentaries made about them. Yes they did struggle of course physically and mentally but they never gave up.

I'm broken inside out.

Also, the inspirational stories you mentioned are only noteworthy because of their rareness. For every success, there's a 1000 hard luck ones, like mine.

I would also argue that some disabilities and disfigurements are more palatable than others. 

Losing a limb in the armed forces, for example, is more heroic and acceptable than having a genetic deformity, as the woman's instinct will know their potential kids can't inherit it. You'd be surprised what humans react to on a subliminal level.

[boltnrun]

All I see is a TON of mental gymnastics performed with the express purpose of avoiding seeking any kind of resolution to your issues.

This thread can go on for 100+ responses like your last one and end up in the same place; with you not truly wanting to resolve your issues while claiming you do and rejecting or debating every single suggestion anyone brings up.

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, metalfantom said:

You'd be surprised what humans react to on a subliminal level.

Anything is possible - everyone comes with flaws and imperfections - and yet most people accept this and do their best with what they can't control and what they can.  You can come up with a hundred scenarios to justify staying in your negative comfort zone and continuing the pity party.  How about instead dealing with your actual reactions here on this thread as opposed to musing and speculating about what humans do or do not react to subliminally?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, metalfantom said:

Losing a limb in the armed forces, for example, is more heroic and acceptable than having a genetic deformity, as the woman's instinct will know their potential kids can't inherit it. You'd be surprised what humans react to on a subliminal level.

If I may, what does this have to do with you seeking help for a porn addiction? 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

If I may, what does this have to do with you seeking help for a porn addiction? 

I thought he meant to reinforce the notion he has of himself that a woman won't want to procreate with him because his deformity as he sees it -is potentially hereditary. Watching the porn he describes reinforces for him his opinion that women want a perfect looking partner and if their partner is not they will seek sexual satisfaction with a better looking partner.  

OP my husband is short. I am short.  I knew it was probable our offspring would be short.  It had zero impact on my desire to be with him, to marry him, to have a child with him. Who is a boy and short for his age. With a big heart he was born with and I'm not taking (much lol) credit for it.

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

If I may, what does this have to do with you seeking help for a porn addiction? 

The other thread droning on that subject was closed:

 

[metalfantom]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

The other thread droning on that subject was closed:

 

I bet you were a hall monitor at school.

[metalfantom]

27 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I thought he meant to reinforce the notion he has of himself that a woman won't want to procreate with him because his deformity as he sees it -is potentially hereditary. Watching the porn he describes reinforces for him his opinion that women want a perfect looking partner and if their partner is not they will seek sexual satisfaction with a better looking partner.  

OP my husband is short. I am short.  I knew it was probable our offspring would be short.  It had zero impact on my desire to be with him, to marry him, to have a child with him. Who is a boy and short for his age. With a big heart he was born with and I'm not taking (much lol) credit for it.

Yes, that's exactly it. I bet if you were to ask the average woman what she looks for in a man, a genetic deformity would not be on that wish list.

You must be one of the rare exceptions, because height is often a deal breaker for women when it comes to dating. Anyone who denies this is being intellectually dishonest. Men of below-average height will often need socioeconomic status to compensate for their lack of stature. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

Yes, that's exactly it. I bet if you were to ask the average woman what she looks for in a man, a genetic deformity would not be on that wish list.

You must be one of the rare exceptions, because height is often a deal breaker for women when it comes to dating. Anyone who denies this is being intellectually dishonest. Men of below-average height will often need socioeconomic status to compensate for their lack of stature. 

LOLLL.  I preferred dating men who were shorter than average. Most people asked the question about genetic deformity of course would "prefer" but obviously in reality it's not true. My husband is and always has been very very successful and not just financially.  Nothing at all to do with his height -has to do with his intellect, emotional intellect, compassion, kindness, caring, and ambition as well as passion for his work.  Nothing to compensate for whatsoever.  Another one of your silly generalizations.

  Yes some people -even people who are tall -have that napoleon complex trying to compensate for some perceived or actual flaw.  One reason I was able to find a good match is I treat people as individuals. People feel comfortable around me because they know I won't make generalized assumptions about them, much less negative ones. 

I likely wouldn't have dated someone seriously who was shorter than me because just as I wasn't really attracted to very tall skinny men I wasn't attracted to men under 5"2 - but I dated and was attracted to a few men who were my height.  My husband is taller than me and shorter than average.  Perfect for me.  Have no clue what people assume cause I couldn't care less.

[metalfantom]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

LOLLL.  I preferred dating men who were shorter than average. Most people asked the question about genetic deformity of course would "prefer" but obviously in reality it's not true. My husband is and always has been very very successful and not just financially.  Nothing at all to do with his height -has to do with his intellect, emotional intellect, compassion, kindness, caring, and ambition as well as passion for his work.  Nothing to compensate for whatsoever.  Another one of your silly generalizations.

  Yes some people -even people who are tall -have that napoleon complex trying to compensate for some perceived or actual flaw.  One reason I was able to find a good match is I treat people as individuals. People feel comfortable around me because they know I won't make generalized assumptions about them, much less negative ones. 

I likely wouldn't have dated someone seriously who was shorter than me because just as I wasn't really attracted to very tall skinny men I wasn't attracted to men under 5"2 - but I dated and was attracted to a few men who were my height.  My husband is taller than me and shorter than average.  Perfect for me.  Have no clue what people assume cause I couldn't care less.

I wasn't referring to Napoleon complex, I mean that if women discriminate against you for a lack of height, you will need other redeeming traits to catch their attention, i.e. wealth or social status. From the way you just described your husband, you seem to be supporting my point?

The truth of the matter is that people are judgemental and self-centered, particularly when it comes to choosing a partner. It's an absolute dog-eat-dog world out there, even if people try to romanticise the reasons they enter into relationships. This system was not designed with people like me in mind.

So yeah, I give up.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

wasn't referring to Napoleon complex, I mean that if women discriminate against you for a lack of height, you will need other redeeming traits to catch their attention, i.e. wealth or social status. From the way you just described your husband, you seem to be supporting my point?

But it's not discrimnation -it's dating. People are entitled to date who they feel attracted to! Some men found me too short or my hair too frizzy - that wasn't discrimination -they just didn't want to kiss me lol I guess.  My husband had no need to compensate for anything was my point -he was perfect for me.  I didn't care about his height and generally felt more attracted to shorter men than taller men.

My husband became successful because he wanted to and worked hard and loved and loves his work - not to compensate, not to get women. 

He wanted the right woman.  He had relationships including long ones but didn't date just to date, was very selective with who he got involved with because he knew his worth. 

That is in part due to my inlaws - how they raised him - oh and they weren't tall either.  They made sure that they instilled in him the values of confidence -not arrogance! - humility, respect, kindness, compassion and a great sense of humor.  He decided to take the ball and run with it so to speak. 

Does he like when people have said obnoxious things about his height? Of course not -why would he? He's a normal person.  But does he try to compensate or need to -nope.  Like I said he's not perfect.  Neither am I.  But he's perfect for me.  No points to prove on my end!

I didn't need to compensate for my loudly ticking biological clock other than by hurrying up and getting pregnant lol.  Some men decided not to date me cause I was over 35. Not discriminating simply not wanting to rush into starting a family if we wanted biological kiddos.  

[Batya33]

I can relate to what it's like to get in ones own way of finding a happy situation, a good relationship.  I did for years. Not as you are but still got in my own way.  I was lucky my husband wanted to get back together years after we broke up.  I could have settled a number of times.  I wasn't beautiful or glamorous or like I said tall/model like.  I likely was intimidating to those men who were insecure about their worth -more so than other women I guess because of the career choices I made - I had specific criteria although they were values based mostly and a short list of musts.  I loved how certain women dismissed opportunities because the guy was short.  Gave me even more options! One of my husband's serious ex girlfriends was taller than he was and my short ex boyfriend married a woman taller than he is. 

I mean it takes all kinds.  Generalizing will just continue to get you in your own way.  I'm also the mom of a teenage boy so I know from peer pressure, generalizing, examining ones own worth and playing the deadly comparison game.  I work on these things with him regularly. I'm immersed in it.  I get it.  

[metalfantom]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

But it's not discrimnation -it's dating. People are entitled to date who they feel attracted to! Some men found me too short or my hair too frizzy - that wasn't discrimination -they just didn't want to kiss me lol I guess.  My husband had no need to compensate for anything was my point -he was perfect for me.  I didn't care about his height and generally felt more attracted to shorter men than taller men.

I would say that distinguishing someone for reasons out of their control is discriminatory. Not necessarily saying it's right or wrong. Like you said, it's an individual's prerogative what they're attracted to. Doesn't mean it's not discrimination, though.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, metalfantom said:

having a genetic deformity

What, exactly, is this genetic deformity? And how is it related to height? Is it facial, like a cleft palate? Or genetic like Down syndrome?

[metalfantom]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What, exactly, is this genetic deformity? And how is it related to height? Is it facial, like a cleft palate? Or genetic like Down syndrome?

It's a skeletal deformity.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

I would say that distinguishing someone for reasons out of their control is discriminatory. Not necessarily saying it's right or wrong. Like you said, it's an individual's prerogative what they're attracted to. Doesn't mean it's not discrimination, though.

Yes it is when it has to do with work -it can be.  I think people should date who they are attracted to.  I declined to date men who I was not attracted to.  Sometimes the lack of attraction had to do with physical features, sometimes intellect, sometimes their mannerisms, body language, tone of voice.  I was not discriminating since they weren't applying for a job with me and of course all else equal I would have treated the person equally in other situations - like in public, or as an acquaintance or coworker.  I worked with many many people who had a variety of disabilities and disorders and I worked with those people just like I worked with everyone -with respect and professionalism. 

No one has to date anyone they don't feel like dating for any reason.  Some people do discriminate - a person who is racist and decides not to date a person of a certain race because of their race is declining based on racism.  But a person who decides that when it comes to dating they prefer to marry someone of their own ethnic background is not discriminating - that person is simply choosing who to have an intimate relationship with.  

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

It's a skeletal deformity.

Oh ok- and so? Is it a positive? I mean no - but it can be neutral!  I have c-section scar, I am short, wear glasses (horrible vision!), and I have a higher risk of stroke than the average person but I mean why should I let all of that bog me down? Why do you?

[boltnrun]

Choosing who to date is not "discriminatory".  That's just not correct.

But it works great as an excuse to not deal with your issues.

Your pity party of one must be terribly lonely.  But it seems to be what you want since you reject any and all suggestions of how you could seek to improve your life.

[metalfantom]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh ok- and so? Is it a positive? I mean no - but it can be neutral!  I have c-section scar, I am short, wear glasses (horrible vision!), and I have a higher risk of stroke than the average person but I mean why should I let all of that bog me down? Why do you?

With respect, those are fairly common traits you are describing there. Plenty of women are short and wear glasses. And 1 in 3 women give birth by caesarean. Certainly nothing to single you out.

I have a rare deformity that makes me look and feel uncomfortable in my own skin. And that's without the physical discomfort and limitations that come with it.

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, metalfantom said:

With respect, those are fairly common traits you are describing there. Plenty of women are short and wear glasses. And 1 in 3 women give birth by caesarean. Certainly nothing to single you out.

I have a rare deformity that makes me look and feel uncomfortable in my own skin. And that's without the physical discomfort and limitations that come with it.

I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable.  Please know that when I was 35 and over and looking for a husband and potential biological child my age was a true deformity to those men who wanted a baby and didn't want to risk a geriatric pregnancy or the higher risk of infertility or potential genetic deformities.  So I can relate in that sense.  I could not control my age or the age of my lady parts so to speak.  Egg freezing was not yet an option.  I went on a couple of first meets where I was asked how I thought I was going to be able to have a baby.  It was treated like a deformity I promise.  I didn't blame those men.  It was risky to try to have a baby with me! I gave birth at 42.

[metalfantom]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your pity party of one must be terribly lonely.  But it seems to be what you want since you reject any and all suggestions of how you could seek to improve your life.

I'm glad we class physical and mental anguish as a "pity party".