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I ruined the first date


LoveSiiick
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Hey guys,

I had a date with a guy from reddit, he messaged me randomly. And he lives close to my university, we talked for about a week and a half until we met. Honestly, I was more interested in someone I was talking to before him. The issue was that he treated me badly on the first date and I can’t control my emotions. I thought that by going on a date with this guy it would make me happy but it didn’t. I was crying while waiting in the parking lot, but since I was already there I decided to get dinner with him. When we were in dinner I couldn’t really give eye contact he immediately stood up and said “text me when you can make eye contact” and walked out. I was embarrassed, there were 3 couples who heard and looked at us like “*** is going on?”. When I got to my car I called him and he picked up and he said he was sorry about walking out but he was frustrated. He picked me up and we went for a drive, I explained to him what happened he seemed to understand. We got some fast food and he gave me a hug before leaving. 

I immediately apologized again on text and thanked him for staying. Then he cancelled on me twice, the second time was the last draw for me. I confronted him on why he did this, he said that he is going through a lot of BS and is heavily drinking and smoking weed. He was sorry he was not open about his issues. He said that when he comes back from his vacation he would like to meet. I heard nothing back, as I didn’t know how long his vacation is. 

I have been thinking about him this past week. I decided to reach out and he replied and called me on facetime. We were on facetime for over an hour until my ride got there. During the call he mentioned he wants to meet up in 2 weeks because he will be back by then. He suggested going to see the cherry blossoms in DC since we live close to it. I would love to meet him, as I find him attractive and fun despite what happened. 

However, he doesn’t text me and idk if he was ever gonna reach out. I don’t know what to do?

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Wow. You apologized to him? What the *** for? Run far away. Drinking and smoking heavily and being borderline emotionally abusive. Seems like a recipe for an abusive relationship. Dump his ass and find someone else. 

Edited by HemispheresX1
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Why would you apologize for being so badly mistreated?

He's terrible, PLUS he's a substance abuser. Bottom of the barrel material right there.

Please delete his contact info and block him from any and all means of contact. And please spend a lot of time reflecting on why you find a guy like this "fun and attractive".

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9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why would you apologize for being so badly mistreated?

He's terrible, PLUS he's a substance abuser. Bottom of the barrel material right there.

Please delete his contact info and block him from any and all means of contact. And please spend a lot of time reflecting on why you find a guy like this "fun and attractive".

I swear I hear of this time and time again with young, immature girls. Treated badly, personally take the blame, pursue the guy anyway just because he seems exciting and put up with the abuse. It's sad as can be. 

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23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

 

Why would you apologize for being so badly mistreated?

He's terrible, PLUS he's a substance abuser. Bottom of the barrel material right there.

 

 

I felt bad for how things happened, this was supposed to be a nice date. But silly me acted foolish who can’t control her emotions. 

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2 minutes ago, LoveSiiick said:

I felt bad for how things happened, this was supposed to be a nice date. But silly me acted foolish who can’t control her emotions. 

This is not a person who is safe for you to be in contact with.

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2 minutes ago, LoveSiiick said:

I felt bad for how things happened, this was supposed to be a nice date. But silly me acted foolish who can’t control her emotions. 

 

57 minutes ago, LoveSiiick said:

text me when you can make eye contact” and walked out.

 

58 minutes ago, LoveSiiick said:

Then he cancelled on me twice,

 

58 minutes ago, LoveSiiick said:

is heavily drinking and smoking weed.

What about any of that is "nice"?

Why do you think you deserve a man who treats you so terribly? 

Do you normally date abusive bullies?

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

 

 

 

What about any of that is "nice"?

Why do you think you deserve a man who treats you so terribly? 

Do you normally date abusive bullies?

No, but he said he is looking for a relationship.

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7 minutes ago, LoveSiiick said:

No, but he said he is looking for a relationship.

So? 

Based on what you know about him, how happy do you think you'd be in a relationship with a substance abusing bully?

You haven't answered any of my questions. Why do you find someone like him "attractive and fun"? Why do you want to attach yourself to such a person? Are you desperately wanting to get a boyfriend, no matter how badly he treats you?

I promise, this guy will make you absolutely miserable. 

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Do I miss the part of the story? Why were you crying before the date and couldn't make an eye contact?

Also, yes, he is a huge jerk from Jerkingtown, dont spend any more time even thinking about that guy. 

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3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I was going to ask the same thing. 

Me too.  I would have found it frustrating to turn up for a date to find the other person tearful and unable to look at me.  I suspect he cancelled the further dates because there were already red flags for him in terms of drama/emotional vulnerability.  The fact he's admitted to having issues with drugs/alcohol may have been true or they may have been an excuse.  Nonetheless, you two are clearly incompatible.  If you are upset about something before a first date, rearrange it. 

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10 hours ago, LoveSiiick said:

, this was supposed to be a nice date. 

From reddit? Don't date creepy trolls and weirdos.

Date real men you meet at college.

Get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the crying jags and other things. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Reddit is a toilet. Lots of hate groups. Dating apps work better than that.

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49 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

From reddit? Don't date creepy trolls and weirdos.

Date real men you meet at college.

Get an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss the crying jags and other things. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Reddit is a toilet. Lots of hate groups. Dating apps work better than that.

I second this.  I just got banned from reddit last month for trolling the dating and relationships subreddits. 

-shrugs-

Boredom makes you do weird things. 

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First impressions unfortunately do count. So next time you are in a bad emotional state cancel the date.

The guy obviously took your strange behaviour personally. He is not a mind reader and on a date the automatic assumption when someone seems unhappy or distant is that they are not interested and cannot even be bothered to fake it or make an effort. So I can understand why he got frustrated and annoyed although obviously that is no excuse for making a scene and walking out midway through dinner. It is a red flag and indicates he has poor self control and a bit of a temper and does not bode well for any future misunderstandings or disagreements. 

Both of you then tried to rescue the date. But his behaviour subsequent to the date indicates he isn't that interested and the vague promises about meeting up probably mean he is just keeping you as an option. And yes he has probably concluded that you are too emotional/dramatic and that is why he is blowing you off and not making much of an effort to stay in touch. 

And if he is telling the truth about having his own issues and being a substance user then he probably has even more baggage than you do and that is another reason you dodged a bullet. 

I would forget this guy and focus on yourself and wait until you are in a better place emotionally before dating other guys. Going on dates might be a distraction and you mentioned you thought going on the date would make you happy. But that is a lot of pressure to put on a stranger you are meeting for the first time. 

 

 

 

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I do agree that your showing up crying/unable to look at the person you are meeting who has taken the time to meet you is not ok -not ok to burden him with that -next time say you all of a sudden are not feeling well (true) and leave. When I was a bit nervous for a first date I had a mantra in my head "you are beautiful and glamorous" -I mean, I knew I wasn't but it made me walk to the table or where my date was with a good smile, eye contact, good posture.  Do 4-7-8 breathing -google that with "Weil" method and that helps too.  

I have cancelled dates and been cancelled on when the person wasn't feeling well including a few times "not feeling up to it" meaning depressed, sad.  It's ok. 

I also messed up a first impression once on a second date -I showed up early, called my friend from a pay phone (I know, many years ago) and honestly couldn't tell if it was him waiting for me inside the lobby of the theater -so I joked with him when I went over to him that I'd been on the phone -he got very uncomfortable thinking I'd been "watching" him which I wasn't.  I mean he had an overreaction but I also should not have told him I was there all that time.

It's a delicate thing -first impressions -and do your best to show up/look nice/be nice. The other person is 50% responsible for the conversation -you are the other half.

I also agree he acted like a jerk.  He may be looking for a relationship -who knows. He is not looking for one with you.  He's not safe to be around.

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3 minutes ago, HemispheresX1 said:

The appropriate thing to do would of been to comfort you and try and cheer you up. Not be a complete *** and make you feel like ***. 

Dude is a piece of work. 

Yes he acted like a jerk but if someone I was meeting for the first time showed up behaving that way I'd certainly try to be helpful as I would to any stranger but with the same result -once I ascertained he was ok just not choosing to make eye contact with me or have a normal conversation -I'd have made an excuse and left.  I was in that situation more than once on a first meet.

One guy showed up dressed in basically dirty clothing and was unkempt so I switched our plan from the nice bar area to a bookstore cafe downstairs. I stayed about 20 minutes, realized he wasn't stable and made an excuse and left. Another guy showed up without making eye contact and basically with tremors and telling me stories about how he'd been on radio shows with famous people.  Did the same thing. 

You are right -there is no reason to show more than slight annoyance at taking the time to meet someone who shows up not doing his or her part to make normal conversation.  But I don't think he had to go all out to comfort her under the circumstances.  

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15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes he acted like a jerk but if someone I was meeting for the first time showed up behaving that way I'd certainly try to be helpful as I would to any stranger but with the same result -once I ascertained he was ok just not choosing to make eye contact with me or have a normal conversation -I'd have made an excuse and left.  I was in that situation more than once on a first meet.

One guy showed up dressed in basically dirty clothing and was unkempt so I switched our plan from the nice bar area to a bookstore cafe downstairs. I stayed about 20 minutes, realized he wasn't stable and made an excuse and left. Another guy showed up without making eye contact and basically with tremors and telling me stories about how he'd been on radio shows with famous people.  Did the same thing. 

You are right -there is no reason to show more than slight annoyance at taking the time to meet someone who shows up not doing his or her part to make normal conversation.  But I don't think he had to go all out to comfort her under the circumstances.  

Well coming from someone who had severe anxiety at one point and struggled with eye contact - I wouldn't take it personally. 

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11 minutes ago, HemispheresX1 said:

Well coming from someone who had severe anxiety at one point and struggled with eye contact - I wouldn't take it personally. 

I'm so sorry you struggled. If I were having a panic attack or felt I could not make eye contact with a stranger who took the time to meet me -whether for an interview or a date or whatever -I'd give as much advance notice as possible and indicate that I'm so sorry, I'm not feeling well and have to cancel.

I once had to go to an interview after being physically and verbally assaulted on the train ride there.  I was in my 20s.  I really wanted the job.  So I called my boyfriend from a payphone and cried and told him -he comforted me over the phone. 

Then I pulled myself together, went to the interview and got the job.  I did what I had to do despite being in a really bad way.  I didn't want to cancel on the interviewer.  People do what they need to do despite being in that state of mind - and sometimes cancellation is what they need to do.

I would do my utmost not to burden a stranger who took the time to meet me with my anxiety attack.  If I needed to go to an ER or urgent care and couldn't go myself yes I might ask for assistance from a stranger. I would not show up and make the other person uncomfortable sitting across from me if at all possible.  He acted like a jerk and overreacted and I see where she made the choice to burden him with her health issues.

Edited by Batya33
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If a girl seems unhappy on a date and is avoiding eye contact and perhaps being very quiet and distant I think I would also assume she was not interested and be a little annoyed she could not even be bothered to go through the motions. Of course he should have waited until dinner was over and then politely made an excuse to cut the date short instead of making a scene and walking out. Obviously if she was tearful he should have asked if everything was OK but from the sound of it the OP was trying to hide her emotional distress and probably did so in such a way that she just seemed distant and unhappy rather than obviously upset. 

But he did try to continue the date once she called him and tried to explain. But obviously it was not a fun date for him so I can understand why he does not feel particularly inclined to meet up with her again. 

It was a bad first date. And unfortunately bad first dates do not usually lead to a second date. That is life. 

And you dodged a bullet because the substance abuse issues and a lot of BS in his life suggests he has a lot of baggage and isn't relationship material. And while I don't think his overreaction necessarily means he is an abusive bully or a jerk it does indicate he has poor self control and a bit of a temper which does not bode well for future misunderstandings and disagreements.

 

 

 

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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

If a girl seems unhappy on a date and is avoiding eye contact and perhaps being very quiet and distant I think I would also assume she was not interested and be a little annoyed she could not even be bothered to go through the motions. Of course he should have waited until dinner was over and then politely made an excuse to cut the date short instead of making a scene and walking out. Obviously if she was tearful he should have asked if everything was OK but from the sound of it the OP was trying to hide her emotional distress and probably did so in such a way that she just seemed distant and unhappy rather than obviously upset. 

But he did try to continue the date once she called him and tried to explain. But obviously it was not a fun date for him so I can understand why he does not feel particularly inclined to meet up with her again. 

It was a bad first date. And unfortunately bad first dates do not usually lead to a second date. That is life. 

And you dodged a bullet because the substance abuse issues and a lot of BS in his life suggests he has a lot of baggage and isn't relationship material. And while I don't think his overreaction necessarily means he is an abusive bully or a jerk it does indicate he has poor self control and a bit of a temper which does not bode well for future misunderstandings and disagreements.

 

 

 

Well I guess with my experiences I can tell if someone is genuinely disinterested or actually having anxiety issues.  It's a bit judgey and taking things too personally to just jump to conclusions and assume they aren't into you at all. 

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