Why only ONE person? Dont you find that so unrealistic?

[blueangel]

Why should we only date, be in a relationship with, or marry one person? Why cant we continue gowing bonds, even allowing them to go as far into affection, with everyone whom we want to explore and know? It's so hard to just throw away people. Last year, I found myself constantly cheating because I couldnt bring myself to. Each person I was with filled my needs in all different ways, but none filled my needs in all ways.. and I have to say, I think that's impossible. I think everybody fits everybody uniquelly and so no relationship is better or worse.

 

Why should we put our hearts into so much torment and suffering? It isnt right and it doesnt feel natural. There is too much emphasis in society on the "one" and "marriage" but you know what I think? I think it's something we humans have created out of fear. Fear of what, you ask?

Fear of unavailable sex, fear of companianship, fear of insecurity, fear of being alone, and fear of change, unstability. But life changes way too much to for any one thing to stay the same.

 

In all our attempts to obey the laws of religion and society, we've forgotten the one law that matters mosts, the one that can never change. Law of NATURE. Do ALL animals stay with one mate forever? NO, only some do but most dont. Since it doesnt work for all animals, it doesnt work for all humans either. It depends on what you want to get out of something.

 

I'm all for falling in love and everything (it's a wonderful experience!) but it DOES NOT LAST. Trying to hold onto a thing called love turns it into a thing called lies. You shouldnt need any one person in order to be happy. You should never NEED anything except for your basic needs. "Enjoy everything but need nothing."

 

I'm saying this only because the average human believes feelings are something that just happen to you, something that you have no control over. The only humans that marriage wiill ever work for are those who KNOW we have control over our feelings because we know feelings are not just feelings. They are a choice in which leads to an act which RESULTS in feelings. Just like how thought leads to actions to feelings. SO to control feelings, we must first control our thoughts... and then our actions. You are right in that you cannot make feelings appear in your heart. You have to make the choice and carry it out yourself.

 

If I were to say to you, "go home and love your spouse" some of you may answer, "oh but I cant because I wouldnt be true to my heart who feels no love." well, when you were a baby, did your mother act true to her heart and leave you under someone else's care when she got tired of trying? key words: leave you? No. As much as she did not feel like it, she made a choice to love you and her actions preceded that love which in time became more and more real.

 

If you want a successful marriage, it can only work if you make it work. It does not depend on fate. It does not even depend on who you are with. There is always a way. But know that no one person will ever fill your needs naturally and so will never naturallly changes to your benefit. IF you want it to work, then you both must make an agreement to be willing to change for each other.

 

Otherwise, it is not worth throwing away all those other wonderful people in your life. Love should not be viewed as something to be held onto forever because even though it is there forever, it will never remain in one form. It should be viewed as something to cherish when it comes and something to let go when it goes.

 

Because like all things, it comes and goes. If you want to hold onto it, you must adjust yourself constantly to the change of people as they grow older because nobody remains the person you married years a go. How would you react if your once charming and interesting boyfriend turned into a slob and an orderer once the two of you settled down? Would you still be willing to save it?

 

You could try... but only with a LOT of self sacrifise, the constant shifting of your views, and the constant changing of the heart.

 

SO Good luck to you.

[BYOB]

Physical behavior acceptable theory. Bottom line concerning that view. However there are other things to consider.

[blueangel]

Could you please explain?

[mattj]

hmm... an interesting- non religious argument for poligamy if i ever saw one- still i am a strong believer in the power of a single relationship, i won't be able to make myself too clear probably, but try reading "Brave New World" by Aldous Huxley, its a good book, but it has a Very strong argument against poligamy, and thats why i can't agree

[blueangel]

Another name for it may also be simply dating with no strings attached.

 

How about instead of having me read that entire book, just post some of the basics of the argument against this. You dont have to explain it yourself if you dont want to. take some quotes and be sure to cite them if you need help.

[shes2smart]

While the one woman/one man legal marriage is probably the most common relationship set up in US culture, it is by far not the only option.

 

Not everyone is cut out for that type of relationship, and I think we'd be better off if those who KNOW they aren't cut out for it would just admit it up front -- to themselves and to any other people they want to get involved with. It would save people a lot of heartache in the long run. And those who want to be involved in a multiple-partner situation would be more likely to get what they wanted without stepping all over any one else that crossed their path.

 

It is good you are questioning things. That's part of the process of figuring out what's right FOR YOU. What's right for you may not be right for everybody else, but it doesn't need to be. I believe that we have an obligation to figure out what we want in terms of a relationship, then communicate what we want clearly to anyone we would like to get involved with. Now, if what we want isn't what they want, they have the right to walk away and not get involved with us at all and that's fine. If you don't have common relationship goals with someone and get involved with them anyway, it won't be a relationship so much as a series of arguments.

 

As long as you stay true to yourself and are honest about your views on relationships with those you would get involved with, you should be fine. This may require some hard choices on your part....like if you meet someone you're very attracted to, and they happen to be of the one man/one woman/monogamous type and you're not....you might have to walk away. This is why it's important to know what you want...what's an absolute "must have" and what's negotiable.

 

I think there are a lot of people who just go along with the cultural norm without thinking about it, questioning it, or challenging it. They get out there in the dating pool without knowing what they want and muddy things up for those who do know what they want.

 

I suspect you aren't going to be one of those people who muddy the water.

[elila]

True, one person can't fulfill all your needs. But you don't need more than one partner- that's what friends are for.

[mattj]

hard to quote, its a story- about a society in which people are encouraged to do poligamy- its a very good book

[Firiel]

"Well, animals do it!" is not an acceptable excuse for anything. We, as humans, are not animals. Some animals will also kill their own kind. Does that make it acceptable for humans to do the same? Even if you don't share my personal belief that God created us separate from and above animals, you should still know that it is not acceptable for us to act like them.

 

About love "not lasting," it depends on your definition of love. If you define love as "that tingling feeling in the pit on your stomach that you get when a someone attractive walks by" then you are right. Love doesn't last. However, I do not believe that that is what love really is, and I'm sure at least some people will agree with me. Love is a decision. When you meet the right person, you will begin to care deeply for them, on a whole new level than merely physical, mental, or emotional attraction. The most important thing is to make sure that this is the real thing and not just an infatuation. You need to really know the person before you decide to truly "love" them. (Truly knowing the person will keep you from being surprised when they turn out to be a slob.)

 

The thing is, when you make the decision to "love and to cherish, for better or for worse, through sickness and in health" and mean it, you will want to treat your partner with the respect, love, and admiration that they deserve, even when you're not feeling those butterflies in the pit of your stomach. You should put their needs before your own. This is difficult for many people to accept in the "me, me, me" society we live in. However, I'm not saying that you should just be a doormat for your partner to walk over, because if they truly love you, THEY will also treat YOU with the respect, love, and admiration that YOU deserve and will put YOUR needs before their own. And for me at least, getting treated that great by a person I was already attracted to would keep the romantic feelings alive as well.

 

So, in conclusion, true love is a mutual decision made by two people who care for and respect each other enough to be willing to sacrifice to give the other person the life and love that they deserve. I suppose the term could be "mutual self-sacrifice." I'd like to see an animal do that.

[QTpie87]

hey.

well i don't think it is a bad thing that you feel this way at your age. I went through a huge break up (we are going back out now) with my bf because I felt like that. I felt like omg, just him, and i have college dating to do and all that.

well don't worry so much about it right now hun. You don't have to worry about settlign down any time soon.

and when you find the right person, you wont want to be with anyone else and it wont scare you anymore.

good luck.

Qtpie87

[blueangel]

Someday, I do want to get married and have kids. One person will be enough for me when I am enough for myself, so when I decide it so. For now, I dont want to go out and look for multiple relationships. I also dont want to throw away any of which that comes to me. I'm not looking to "have" but to merely "enjoy." I'm not looking to "hold on to" but to instead "let go of." I will not "push someone away under certain conditons" but rather "love unconditionally." This is what I choose for myself.

 

Last year, I had literally three boyfriends because I was so afraid of giving any up. It tormented me, these conflicts within. But then I thought, "why not just let whatever happen, happen?" I mean, if your heart goes in more than one direction, are you not still obligated to follow it? Obligated to yourself, I mean, to find and experience what you want?

 

I think people look for relationships as means of completing themselves but nobody will be able to even have one complete relationship unless they already feel complete with themselves. This is where many find themselves running in circles. We look to others to often to fill our needs instead of simply looking within and once you do, you find that you dont "need" at all.

[SandyD]

From what I gathered, you seem to have a pretty good idea of what love is all about. I also think it´s a choice we make. When we marry, we must choose to have a good marriage everyday. Not only that, but our partner must as well. Throw in all the variables that can make human relationships crumble, and there are many, and you can quickly see how big of a challenge it is. Love is something we build together, infatuations are a natural and temporary high.

 

Then there is the fact that just because we found a good person to settle down with, we will still be attracted to others. We can still learn something from someone else, and there is so much to learn and so many to learn from, have needs met by someone else, become infatuated and fascinated by others. So should we be always true to ourselves, heed all of our desires and follow wherever our interest leads us?

 

In all our attempts to obey the laws of religion and society, we've forgotten the one law that matters mosts, the one that can never change. Law of NATURE. Do ALL animals stay with one mate forever? NO, only some do but most dont.

Yes, law of nature, follow your instincts and all that... animals don´t mate for life. But do animals love? And even if they do stay together forever like some do, is it out of love? I don´t know. I don´t think so. Could true love be a human experience?

 

I, for one, would rather find one good person to share my days on this Earth, to have a deep connection with, to change and grow with, to share experiences and help eachother throughout our lives, to truly know, and to have myself be truly known and loved. I don´t care about how animals conduct their short lives, how many times they mate, or if they stay together forever. I know one person will never meet all my needs, but I also don´t think that your needs can only be met by sexual partners.

 

Of course, you may not want to spend so much time building a relationship with someone when there are so many others to explore, and because there are no guarantees that it will work out. That is the choice you make. But it makes me wonder if you are ever truly getting any needs met when people are so temporary, always coming and going. What are you learning from them, or getting from them, that is so valuable? Does it enrich your life? Where do you use everything you´ve learned? Does it better your life? Does it make you happy? What do they get from you?

[blueangel]

Love doesnt last on its own and I think when in a relationship, we look to it to. You are right in that it is a decision. That is what I was saying. It's a choice between the two people but if we leave it up to fate, up to finding a soulmate, up to finding the perfect person, the "one" we will find ourselves feeling cheated. No one person can complete you. As long as you are complete yourself, you will feel content in any relationship because you've stopped "needing." Our "needs" will not be fulfilled unless we do happen to be with a lot of unique people who love us in unique ways. To those who are looking to have their needs filled, this is the only way. To those who dont need, then they dont need it to be so.

 

No, I dont agree either that just because an animal does it makes it ok for a human to do it. An animal and a human have different objectives in their social situations. But I do think that the world around us is a reflection of us. Animals follow their instincts though and so should we. The more intellegent an animal, the less mates it remains with. This is not so different from a human. We are all on different levels, different growths, looking for different things. The average immature human wants sex for the sex. The average mature human wants it for more.

 

Does my view make sense now or has it just made it more complex and confusing? lol

[Firiel]

Last year, I had literally three boyfriends because I was so afraid of giving any up. It tormented me, these conflicts within. But then I thought, "why not just let whatever happen, happen?" I mean, if your heart goes in more than one direction, are you not still obligated to follow it? Obligated to yourself, I mean, to find and experience what you want?

Shouldn't you feel obligated to be faithful, or at least truthful to your boyfriend? I mean, your attitude here seems selfish. "Who cares how I'm hurting others, as long as I'M happy." I just don't get it.

[blueangel]

Everybody, read my replies as well because it adds to what I'm saying in my post and I think it makes it clearer, because by itself, my post is rather confusing, I think.

[Mr Meh]

I personally find monogamy to be unnatural. For many of the reasons you mentioned (people change, too many other fish in the sea). While I certainly believe two people can be happy as a couple for a lifetime, I also see way too many people having unhappy lives because of some sort of commandment or moral demand to be exclusive until death do them part.

Animals act the way they act because of instinct, which humans have all but forgotten or ignored, so it is not really a fair comparison. Some animals are monogamous, some are not. Mutual self sacrifice is not necessary because animals don't have all of the crap that humans do to deal with. They don't cry about unmet needs or sit in judgment upon each other, they just do what they do.

[blueangel]

Last year, I had literally three boyfriends because I was so afraid of giving any up. It tormented me, these conflicts within. But then I thought, "why not just let whatever happen, happen?" I mean, if your heart goes in more than one direction, are you not still obligated to follow it? Obligated to yourself, I mean, to find and experience what you want?

Shouldn't you feel obligated to be faithful, or at least truthful to your boyfriend? I mean, your attitude here seems selfish. "Who cares how I'm hurting others, as long as I'M happy." I just don't get it.

 

The thing is is that we shouldnt need each other so much so that we are hurt when they are gone. To love is to let go. That is false love. I may have not been "faithfull" as you would put it, but I was truthful. They were all completely in love with me but I only loved pieces of them. I did not want the one person, long term love that many look for. When we turn love into a committed thing, we must be ready to commit because it's hard work and love I dont think, feels as though it should be harnassed.

And I was not ready. I was only 13

[socalguy123]

it really depends on where you are in your life. this argument and where you stand on it is a good way to find out where you are in your life path. i believe, where i lie on this, my own values are changing. maybe up until a few years ago, i had no problem thinking that i would like to have partners to fuilfill different needs. back in college, i had friends that were girls for all my time--i was only sleeping with 1, but most of my best friends were girls. unfortunately, i'm much older, and all the beautiful women and girls--are married, have settled down, have kids. bravo to them

 

i know i think the difference lies in that, i want to start a family, and want kids now. a few years ago, i didn't really prioritize that, and now, most of my best/closest friends have lovely children, lovely families, and hey--that's what i'd like to have....i don't know how a multi-loving family could help raise kids. but i don't think i want to do that for myself if i can help it. i'd much rather have a loving parthood for the children i want to have--it'll be difficult, as most of the single women my age are married or are divorced with kids. i'd prefer not having a woman with kids, if i could help it, (yeah, i'm pretty picky too), but that's not out of my radar.

 

so now, i have to prey upon women 4-7 years younger than me (27-30), as that's when women (imho) are looking for settling down.

 

now, if i didn't want kids--damn, i'd be having a helluva fun time. but anyway, enough about me. i'm doing some sort of self-rant, where i believe, it would be nice to have multiple love-givers, but for now, i'd rather find a single woman whose got a heart big enough for a relationship with me in totality. i just have a lot to learn, still, in getting what i want.

[RayKay]

I loved Firiels post! And I agree with it for most part.

 

Blueangel - you are 14, so are still very young. And when you are young no I don't think you should be committed to one person for life. I don't even think kids should get as hyped up about relationships at that afe as they do or as concerned. And when you do start dating, it should be approached in fun and about meeting others to find out what qualities you want or don't want. And most of those relationships won't work out for whatever reason - they were just not right.

 

In time your vision and view of what love is changes. You realize love is not that tingly feeling. It is not about picking and choosing which partners aspects you love, which you don't. It's not about losing yourself, or them losing themselves. It is not about pain, and anguish and feeling like you lost part of yourself.

 

But, I do believe there IS a right person for you (well, probably more than one, but ultimately in the end it is the last person that should count!). They come around when we are ready in our lives, when the time is right, and when we are complete or at least almost there. And that person is undoubtedly the person you know will be the one whom is there forever.

They are the person that makes us FEEL even more amazing, even if we were 100% before they came along.

 

That is not to say there won't be problems and disagreements, and tough times. But if you remember your commitment is to one another, to the relationship and take care to respect, love and cherish one another even those problems can be positive events, as you build your bond stronger as long as they are dealt with keeping that respect, love, and affection. Love grows stronger with shared experiences. Will you always be absolutely joyous about your partner and relationship - maybe, but likely not. But that does not mean the love is gone or the relationship "unright". What will show the love, and the "right" is how you approach those issues together. You cannot rely on love alone to fix everything, but you maintain and help it flourish to something far deeper and stronger than you will have yet experienced.

 

Now obviously there are many relationships that don't work out, but that does not mean that "no relationships are meant to" then. It can be that they were not ready for love yet, they were committing to an ideal, not to each other, they failed to communicate, forgot to love their partner. Who knows...but it is not a sign that thereforeeee all relationships are doomed to fail. There are many people who don't believe in monogamy - and that is fine but they better be honest with people they choose to get involved with then. But there are many who do believe in it with the right person.

[Firiel]

The thing is is that we shouldnt need each other so much so that we are hurt when they are gone. To love is to let go. That is false love. I may have not been "faithfull" as you would put it, but I was truthful. They were all completely in love with me but I only loved pieces of them. I did not want the one person, long term love that many look for. When we turn love into a committed thing, we must be ready to commit because it's hard work and love I dont think, feels as though it should be harnassed.

And I was not ready. I was only 13

 

Okay, it's a bit different since you weren't sneaking around behind their backs-I mean, at least they knew about the others. However, I'm still of the opinion that you should break up with one before going out with the other (it just seems like the nice thing to do), and anyways, isn't three boyfriends at one time is a little much... And just me being stupidly technical- those three boys weren't "in love" with you, in my opinion. They just really, really liked you. I'm sure it'll be another few years before they truly fall in "love."

 

 

And just in case anyone got the wrong idea from my first post- blueangel, I'm not saying that you should get into a life-long commitment now. If you do decide to date at a young age, it should be like RayKay said- fun and about meeting others. I'm just trying to say that when you are old enough it is, indeed, quite possible, and gratifying, to love one person for your whole life.

 

This is a great topic of discussion, by the way...

[MiquelAngelo]

Someday if you ever fall in love you will be answering your own question.

Just fall in love and you'll realize you won't even want another person in your life.

[Empathy]

Monogamy limits the spread of disease and the number of illegitimate children born to this world. it's also good for population control.

[Mr Meh]

it also breeds adultery and murder, since you are taking a biblical stance.

[Empathy]

I am NOT taking a biblical stance. The words "bible" or "biblical" never entered my mind when I was writing that response. And I think to say that monogamy breeds murder is being a teeny bit dramatic.

[Mr Meh]

Illegitimacy is an insulting and biblical concept.

There have been many a murder committed because of adultery and financial fallout at the end of a marriage.

Using your earlier logic, monogamy serves the same purpose as the condom.