Living my own Hell

[ROLYAT]

All judgment aside, I am begging for advice. I am a woman. I am lonely. I am empty. I am genuinely confused.

I got with the father of my son when I was 15 years old. He was 18. We had our ups and downs as do typical teen relationships. I moved in with him and his mother and sister when I was 16. I graduated high school in 2015 and two short, happy years later, we moved into our new apartment, and Matt and I welcomed our baby boy just like we always talked about.

Time fell short, thereafter.

The dishonesty, the disloyalty. Arguments. The nitpicking.

I made a really horrible choice and that was to cheat.

I frown upon my decision to this very day.

He knew what I was up to. But why did I do it?

The only reason I can give was that I was simply just bored. I never had the chance to be independent- I was always in a relationship with him. I didn't meet new people, I didn't have the chance to live the life most people live after graduating. I do NOT regret having my son, and I never will.

I was SO stuck in my head. I tend to worry about everybody elses feelings around me apart from my own.

Irresponsible and pathetic, I know.

I am here in search for advice. Today, I am in a relationship with the man I cheated on the love of my life with, and have been for almost 2 years.

Troy is materialistic. He cares about his looks, his reputation, he has to have top of the top everything.

Me? I'm okay with being at the bottom.

The thing about it is, we constantly argue. It's always over stupid, petty things. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

It's "Where are you going? Who are you with? Who is there? What time are you coming back?" It's "You were done working at 3, and its 3:07, WYA."

He hates my family. He hates half of my lifestyle.

But yet, he wants to marry. Have babies.

I, infact, do not. I am stuck.

Memories replay in my head every single day. Why did I do this to the family that was supposed to last a lifetime?

Troy, again, is materialistic. I know that if i carry on with my life now, I will someday have a house to share with him and call our own. We have so much potential but then I remember how unhappy I am and how UNFAIR it is for HIM, that I do not want to put forth the effort to build a future with him, simply because I am so lost in my life.

Sometimes I think I should change my name, tell nobody, and just disappear.

But really, what would that change?

Am I dwelling on what used to be to much?

Or is my heart actually aching for what Matt and I had, and always will have?

I'm torn.

To make a decision, somebody will always be hurt in the end, and I truly do not know what to do at this point in my life.

I feel like I have forgotten how to be myself.

I have forgotten how to act myself.

What kind of things do I like?

What are my dreams?

I wish I could have answers, I really, REALLY do.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ROLYAT said:

I got with the father of my son when I was 15 years old.  I moved in with him and his mother and sister when I was 16. 

Sorry this is happening. You're in an abusive relationship.

Why did you leave home at 16? Is that customary in your culture/country? 

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Do you work? Do you receive child support for your child? Does your child's father co-parent and have visitation?

You're not "stuck". Where is your family? Do you speak to them?

Are you destitute? Contact social services for assistance with housing, food, mental and physical healthcare for yourself and your child, assistance with job placement and training.

You can't undo the past but you can change the present and future.

Start with a plan to extricate yourself from a controlling abusive relationship.

 

[MissCanuck]

I am sorry you find yourself here, OP. 

It sounds to me like neither Troy nor Matt is right for you. You likely outgrew your relationship with Matt and Troy was a fling that never should have evolved into a full-fledged relationship. 

My advice would be to end your relationship with Troy, as it's clear you don't want to be there and are not happy. But don't go running back to Matt, either. That is a relationship that fizzled out as most teen relationships do, even if you have a child together. It wasn't meant to last a lifetime. 

This would be the ideal time to learn who you are, on your own. Find your independence and your identity as a single, adult woman. When you get to that place, you will be much more likely to  find a man who is truly a good match for you. Neither of these men is it. 

[Tanzi]

I am so sorry this is happening, OP.

The bottom line is, you need to get out of this relationship. It isn’t making you happy. You don’t have to be in a relationship.  You can be on your own. You said you missed out on certain things in life, we’ll maybe you’ve missed out on being single and growing as your own person. Your life doesn’t just have to be a choice between Matt or Troy. 

What you are describing isn’t just arguing. Troy is jealous and controlling and no doubt views you as one of his materialistic possessions. The likelyhood is that this will get worse over time. He already hates your family. This is typical of people like Troy. He doesn’t want anyone else in your life who may have any influence over you. I bet he doesn’t much care for your friends or colleagues either (especially the male ones). He wants to be the main one … the ONLY one … to have influence over you.  

Ask yourself these questions ….. Is this the role model you want for your son? Do you want your son to grow up seeing, knowing you are unhappy? 

For both your sakes get out now.  Get to a happy place by yourself. Enjoy your time with your son. That way … when it comes to romance/relationship/sex … you will be able to make the right choice for you, coming from a much stronger place. 
 

[DancingFool]

Get rid of Troy, stay away from Matt. Stop looking at men to provide you with whatever. As you can see, the price of that is living in misery. 

Get away from dating and do what you are craving - get yourself and your life together. Be single, figure out who you want to be as an adult woman. Plan out a future for yourself and your son, that does not involve leaning on men, and make it happen by yourself. 

At first it will be hard, but as you stick to it, it will get better and easier and you will get to the point where you are confident in yourself, smiling, and enjoying life. Where you know who you are and do what you wish. When you reach that, you will also find the right man and the right kind of a relationship because you will not have any need or tolerance for men who leave you feeling miserable and also, because then you'll have a clear idea of what kind of a person you are looking for.

[smackie9]

This is what I discovered when I was young...a man cannot give you a life, only you yourself can. You don't need a man to have identity. Stop thinking about the relationship and go out on your own on your own two feet. Get a job, your own place etc. Go discover what you can do for yourself.  

[catfeeder]

On 3/20/2022 at 11:00 PM, ROLYAT said:

It's "Where are you going? Who are you with? Who is there? What time are you coming back?" It's "You were done working at 3, and its 3:07, WYA."

This is typical blowback from partnering with the very person who watched you be disloyal.

That's not a finger wag, it's just practical. It shows you exactly why you'd only compound your problems by staying with this guy any longer.

Happiness can't be built on a foundation that deceived someone else because trust was never present and so it can't be gained.

You may not yet know where you want to go, but staying where you are or going back to the relationship that made you unhappy enough to end up here isn't very inspiring.

I agree with the folks who suggest going solo. Once you can embrace your fears and learn about yourself on your own, you'll be proud of your resilience, and you'll have taught yourself that you don't need to settle for an unhappy partnership--ever again.

Head high, and write more if it helps.