Trying to figure out her true intentions with me.

[RickLee]

Facts:

She's 26. Im 31. Attractiveness (Being Honest) she is like 4-5 and Im like 5-6) We knew eachother since we were kids around 9 years old but I moved away early on to another state. Not until we were both adult (Her 24. Me 29) I found her on Facbook and we started catching up. At that point I lived 2hrs away so she decided to visit me.

Long story short, the beginning of the relationship was good even though it was long distance. We would we take turns visiting eachother every other weekend or evening up to a month with not seeing eachother. We went on trips, little mini vacations and we were having a blast. As a note I was paying for mostly everything and she would pitch in for food other things. She didn't have much money and I have a good paying job. 

Before I continue: Her personality is somewhat odd or I could never really understand it. Some info about her.

1. She's had 2 legitimate relationships her whole life up until me. A couple dates.

2. When she drinks(gets buzzed) she gets more daring to try things but when she is sober you can not get her to do anything daring(super reserved). She told me she had s$x with a guy at a party buzzed back in her day.  When she was sober and dating me , I would persuade her to send me nude pics but she always refused. Then one weekend she had a girls night out(She drinks). She facetimes me and then starts showing me her breast as a tease.

3. After the her 2nd relationship she never got back into a relationship until she got with me 5 years later after her last. 

4. She is poor with text messaging. She doesn't read or respond my messages correctly. Sometimes she writes back with sentences that dont make sense. 

5. It always seemed like her friends and ex's were taking advantage of her by the stories she would tell me.

6. She grew up not showing affection or receiving affection from her parents. Hug greets are weird to her even from her friends.

 

Then, 

When we had gone to one of our mini vacations. She asked me to look something up on her phone while she was doing her hair. I open it and she had Snapchat currently open. I noticed that there were a couple messages that were directed to guys i didn't know. And most of the message replies were only a day to 3 old. I open the most recent message and realized she had sent the guy pictures of her (Not sexual) (Selfies). I asked her who was he and she panicked. Then we had a huge argument. She goes under the sheets and starts doing things with her phone. I kept telling her to let me see her phone I want to see the other messages. She cried say no, and then I told her if she does not let me see it then we are breaking up. I even told her, " Look if youre talking to other guys just let me know. It's okay. Just tell me the truth" She denied it. Then we leave that vacay and I break up with her.  She begged to get back together I said no. Then 3 or 4 days later we see each other and sort of work things out and get back together. I loved her by that point and I was willing to accept it and move on. 

Then,

We continue our long distance relationship. Then one weekend I decided to surprise her by visiting her on a Saturday night. As a note, she mentioned a week prior to that weekend that her friend was having a birthday party for her dad. At that point we had not seen eachother for a month because we were both busy working. I text her 10min before arriving in her area. She tells me she needs to go pick up some boxes from one of her friends that she ordered. I was like okay. We meet. She didn't bother hugging me or giving me a kiss or simply be excited to see me. I was bothered but hid it from her. We hang out for a bit. Then she tells me that its going to take her 43mins to go and 43mins to comback plus how ever long she stays talking with her friend. I was suspicious but I tell her okay. It was 830pm. Then I go out and hang out at the bars until 12am. I get to the hotel by 1:10am and text her if she was coming. I call her 2x, no response. Then she texts me that she's dropping the boxes at her house. ( I believed that she went to pick up the boxes but I know she went to her friends party afterwards. Then I get frustrated so I leave the hotel and head home. She calls me and we have this argument. Even before this we were already having some issues that I was bottling  up inside. So I let her have it. I basically told her that she prioritizes being with other people than me. She could have easily canceled her plans with her friends and had given me the night for us.  But that didnt happen.  We both get upset at eachother and we decide to break it up.

Then a 2 weeks later. I talk to her trying to get answers and clarity to what was going on with her. She doesn't really give a me a clear response but Im like okay. We're both hurt and kinda want to get together but things were different. I was willing to drop everything from the past and try again. Even though she agreed to do the same her actions made her feel distance to me. Then one weekend I surprise her by staying the night where she lived. Before we saw eachother that night she was going to have a girls night out then see me afterwards. It was 2am when she calls me and tells me that she was on her way to the hotel. She gets to the hotel. I try hugging her or give her my jacket because she said it was cold. She refused both of them. We get inside and right away she get into bed and me too. We cuddle for a bit and then we get down to business. It was the greatest love making for the both of us that night. Prior to that I knew she was kinda buzzed. We were doing things we never did before. Key NOTE: We did very intimate things except KISSING. Ill reach for a kiss but she would alwasy turn away. In other words she was leading and pushing me in ways to let me know what she wanted. We had gone so many rounds, it was great. It was clear she was definitely pleased. She was never like this in bed before. It was always hard to read what she liked and didnt like in bed. She was the most challenging partner Ive come to try to figure out how to please. 

Then BOOM:

As a note: I was also a little more than buzzed that night so it was really hard to control or forsee when I was going to ejaculate. I decided to buy Plan B as a precaution for that night in case we did decided to make love and I was not in full control of myself. Note: We are both in consent and both agree to use Plan B when necasary. We had actually used it a couple times before for certain accidents that had happened. 

After we had finished. We lay in bed and I tell her that, "Hey I think I came in you a couple times because I couldnt tell if I pulled out in time. I got Plan B just in case" She got mad tell me how I couldn't control myself. But I remind her Hey I got plan B its okay. Then she tells me that Plan B is not the problem but that she was just mad. Then she starts talking to me about how she had different opportunities back in her day to date guys that  were interested in her and now they have kids with other girls.  She said that that could have been her. This reminiscing talk got me so confused. I didnt know if I should be jealous, mad, or think deeper about it. I dont say anything because I did not want to start a fight. She lives home and I leave the hotel that night as well. 

Before she left I ask her. Hey so I know we're both hurt still but where do you stand in the idea of getting back together or working towards that? She tells me we just have to see. That was such a vague response so I push her further by rewording the question. She finally says, I do want to get back together but we'll have to see. I was like okay. We'll see how it goes. 

Weeks later. Now our communication is super poor.  I try sending her emojis with messages and she is just text only. I ask if Im moving too fast or if my hearty emojis were bother her. She said no. She takes way longer to respond. She tells me sorry that she couldnt respond but I see that her Snapchat active points had increased immensely during the period I was waiting for her to respond. Point is she was messaging other people and telling me she  didnt have time. But she did mention that she can come visit me the weekend after. 

So my question is? Does she still have feelings for me? Am I now a fxxkboy to her? What's going through her mind?

 

 

[Andrina]

On-again, off-again relationships means it's a mismatch. You should've stayed broken up the first time.

[RickLee]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

On-again, off-again relationships means it's a mismatch. You should've stayed broken up the first time.

What indicated that to you from the first break up? Like how could you tell it was a mismatch?

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, RickLee said:

I loved her by that point and I was willing to accept it and move on. 

Accept what? That she is sending God knows what to other guys while pretending to be only with you? Unless you enjoy certain kind of fetish, that is unacceptable for a serious monogamous relationship.

It is clear that you would like to be a priority. While she has never put you in that position. Whether its because she doesnt want a serious thing so she could freely jump from guy to guy, or just doesnt want it with you, that is not your concern. Your needs(unless they are just sexual) are not met there. 

Respect yourself and remove yourself out of the whole situation. You are just wasting time there and that time you could use on somebody who would actually want to be with you. You should have done that the second after you found out about guys.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, RickLee said:

 Am I now a fxxkboy to her? What's going through her mind?

You have horrible boundaries and zero respect for her.  All you do is ask for sexts , rifle through her phone, expect her to be "buzzed" for sex,  buy emergency contraception instead of using condoms, etc.

No local women will date you? Is this why you had to reach out to some at a distance?

Set both yourselves free. You're incompatible. You're acting like a jerk so you need to grow up.

She can get good sex and much more respectful treatment anywhere.

If you fancy yourself some sort of stud or playboy, you've got a lot to learn.

[waffle]

15 hours ago, RickLee said:

Facts:

She's 26. Im 31. Attractiveness (Being Honest) she is like 4-5 and Im like 5-6)

I didn't need to read beyond this to know what you really think of her.  It seems there are other men out there who rate her looks higher so I'd let her continue on with those guys.

(and no, rating someone on a scale of 1 - 10 is not "facts".  It's opinion)

[boltnrun]

She is doing a great deal of damage to her body by repeatedly using Plan B. Why won't you just use condoms? 

This situation is not sustainable. You two keep getting into arguments and breaking up, then you keep trying to force it to work. You two are obviously incompatible.

[Kbtoys]

18 hours ago, RickLee said:

Facts:

She's 26. Im 31. Attractiveness (Being Honest) she is like 4-5 and Im like 5-6) We knew eachother since we were kids around 9 years old but I moved away early on to another state. Not until we were both adult (Her 24. Me 29) I found her on Facbook and we started catching up. At that point I lived 2hrs away so she decided to visit me.

Long story short, the beginning of the relationship was good even though it was long distance. We would we take turns visiting eachother every other weekend or evening up to a month with not seeing eachother. We went on trips, little mini vacations and we were having a blast. As a note I was paying for mostly everything and she would pitch in for food other things. She didn't have much money and I have a good paying job. 

Before I continue: Her personality is somewhat odd or I could never really understand it. Some info about her.

1. She's had 2 legitimate relationships her whole life up until me. A couple dates.

2. When she drinks(gets buzzed) she gets more daring to try things but when she is sober you can not get her to do anything daring(super reserved). She told me she had s$x with a guy at a party buzzed back in her day.  When she was sober and dating me , I would persuade her to send me nude pics but she always refused. Then one weekend she had a girls night out(She drinks). She facetimes me and then starts showing me her breast as a tease.

3. After the her 2nd relationship she never got back into a relationship until she got with me 5 years later after her last. 

4. She is poor with text messaging. She doesn't read or respond my messages correctly. Sometimes she writes back with sentences that dont make sense. 

5. It always seemed like her friends and ex's were taking advantage of her by the stories she would tell me.

6. She grew up not showing affection or receiving affection from her parents. Hug greets are weird to her even from her friends.

 

Then, 

When we had gone to one of our mini vacations. She asked me to look something up on her phone while she was doing her hair. I open it and she had Snapchat currently open. I noticed that there were a couple messages that were directed to guys i didn't know. And most of the message replies were only a day to 3 old. I open the most recent message and realized she had sent the guy pictures of her (Not sexual) (Selfies). I asked her who was he and she panicked. Then we had a huge argument. She goes under the sheets and starts doing things with her phone. I kept telling her to let me see her phone I want to see the other messages. She cried say no, and then I told her if she does not let me see it then we are breaking up. I even told her, " Look if youre talking to other guys just let me know. It's okay. Just tell me the truth" She denied it. Then we leave that vacay and I break up with her.  She begged to get back together I said no. Then 3 or 4 days later we see each other and sort of work things out and get back together. I loved her by that point and I was willing to accept it and move on. 

Then,

We continue our long distance relationship. Then one weekend I decided to surprise her by visiting her on a Saturday night. As a note, she mentioned a week prior to that weekend that her friend was having a birthday party for her dad. At that point we had not seen eachother for a month because we were both busy working. I text her 10min before arriving in her area. She tells me she needs to go pick up some boxes from one of her friends that she ordered. I was like okay. We meet. She didn't bother hugging me or giving me a kiss or simply be excited to see me. I was bothered but hid it from her. We hang out for a bit. Then she tells me that its going to take her 43mins to go and 43mins to comback plus how ever long she stays talking with her friend. I was suspicious but I tell her okay. It was 830pm. Then I go out and hang out at the bars until 12am. I get to the hotel by 1:10am and text her if she was coming. I call her 2x, no response. Then she texts me that she's dropping the boxes at her house. ( I believed that she went to pick up the boxes but I know she went to her friends party afterwards. Then I get frustrated so I leave the hotel and head home. She calls me and we have this argument. Even before this we were already having some issues that I was bottling  up inside. So I let her have it. I basically told her that she prioritizes being with other people than me. She could have easily canceled her plans with her friends and had given me the night for us.  But that didnt happen.  We both get upset at eachother and we decide to break it up.

Then a 2 weeks later. I talk to her trying to get answers and clarity to what was going on with her. She doesn't really give a me a clear response but Im like okay. We're both hurt and kinda want to get together but things were different. I was willing to drop everything from the past and try again. Even though she agreed to do the same her actions made her feel distance to me. Then one weekend I surprise her by staying the night where she lived. Before we saw eachother that night she was going to have a girls night out then see me afterwards. It was 2am when she calls me and tells me that she was on her way to the hotel. She gets to the hotel. I try hugging her or give her my jacket because she said it was cold. She refused both of them. We get inside and right away she get into bed and me too. We cuddle for a bit and then we get down to business. It was the greatest love making for the both of us that night. Prior to that I knew she was kinda buzzed. We were doing things we never did before. Key NOTE: We did very intimate things except KISSING. Ill reach for a kiss but she would alwasy turn away. In other words she was leading and pushing me in ways to let me know what she wanted. We had gone so many rounds, it was great. It was clear she was definitely pleased. She was never like this in bed before. It was always hard to read what she liked and didnt like in bed. She was the most challenging partner Ive come to try to figure out how to please. 

Then BOOM:

As a note: I was also a little more than buzzed that night so it was really hard to control or forsee when I was going to ejaculate. I decided to buy Plan B as a precaution for that night in case we did decided to make love and I was not in full control of myself. Note: We are both in consent and both agree to use Plan B when necasary. We had actually used it a couple times before for certain accidents that had happened. 

After we had finished. We lay in bed and I tell her that, "Hey I think I came in you a couple times because I couldnt tell if I pulled out in time. I got Plan B just in case" She got mad tell me how I couldn't control myself. But I remind her Hey I got plan B its okay. Then she tells me that Plan B is not the problem but that she was just mad. Then she starts talking to me about how she had different opportunities back in her day to date guys that  were interested in her and now they have kids with other girls.  She said that that could have been her. This reminiscing talk got me so confused. I didnt know if I should be jealous, mad, or think deeper about it. I dont say anything because I did not want to start a fight. She lives home and I leave the hotel that night as well. 

Before she left I ask her. Hey so I know we're both hurt still but where do you stand in the idea of getting back together or working towards that? She tells me we just have to see. That was such a vague response so I push her further by rewording the question. She finally says, I do want to get back together but we'll have to see. I was like okay. We'll see how it goes. 

Weeks later. Now our communication is super poor.  I try sending her emojis with messages and she is just text only. I ask if Im moving too fast or if my hearty emojis were bother her. She said no. She takes way longer to respond. She tells me sorry that she couldnt respond but I see that her Snapchat active points had increased immensely during the period I was waiting for her to respond. Point is she was messaging other people and telling me she  didnt have time. But she did mention that she can come visit me the weekend after. 

So my question is? Does she still have feelings for me? Am I now a fxxkboy to her? What's going through her mind?

 

 

Every relationship is different so take what I say from my own experience.  I am in a relationship and texting can be hit or miss as people get busy.  Sometimes I get a quick response and a photo of what they are doing like eating, shopping, etc. I prefer calls as I always get confused the content of texts.  The confusing texts that don’t make sense could reveal she may be an alcoholic, but I don’t know her or her habits.

The issue I see is that she blames everyone else, but doesn’t take into account how her actions could have impacted the relationships.  We all know it takes 2 people to continue a relationship/friendship.  I highly doubt all of her issues were one sided.  

She might be seeking attention and would hate to generalize, but check out “daddy issues”.  Not sure if it is relevant if she wasn’t shown much love growing up and she seeks attention from others.  Also I’ve had similar situations where we would get into an argument and then she would go out drinking.  She would return home and then take advantage of me, but hardly any kissing.  Same thing passionate sex, but awkward as it seems it is missing the connection of kissing and seems the alcohol is taking over.  
 

These incidences make me question how she is drunk without me around.  I am in a relationship where I told her the next time communication breaks down and she can’t control her alcohol consumption, then I am gone.  As our values don’t align.  Your gf could be distant as she is confused on what she really wants.  I wouldn’t continue if she isn’t taking steps to meet you halfway be it with communication, transparency, etc.  

If she shuts down and honest communication can’t be conducted, then I don’t see a path forward.  She needs to feel safe to offer what is really happening with her thoughts.  It could take time and when you catch a partner in a lie, then it isn’t always going to work to interrogate them during the discovery.  They will eventually tell you the truth so you can decide to move forward or they just have enough and break it off.  It seems she would rather breakup then have an honest conversation with you.  Do you want to keep repeating the insanity of making up and then when communication breaks down breaking up?  Good luck in whatever you decide.

[RickLee]

3 hours ago, waffle said:

I didn't need to read beyond this to know what you really think of her.  It seems there are other men out there who rate her looks higher so I'd let her continue on with those guys.

(and no, rating someone on a scale of 1 - 10 is not "facts".  It's opinion)

When we were dating she would talk to me about all the guys she dated, was talking to, etc. And I was fine with that. What I realized is the guys she was talking to were not attractive, financially stable, or they were just trying to take advantage of her. In other words they didn't see her as wife material but I did. I fell in love with her personality. Im getting old and I want someone with wife and mother qualities.

I used the rating system by a mere chances it was valuable info to yall for insight into my relationship.

[RickLee]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

She is doing a great deal of damage to her body by repeatedly using Plan B. Why won't you just use condoms? 

This situation is not sustainable. You two keep getting into arguments and breaking up, then you keep trying to force it to work. You two are obviously incompatible.

You're definitely right. Throughout our 6 year relationship (3 dating, 3 bf/gf) we only needed to use plan b twice. This was the 3rd time. I offered to use condoms but she didnt want to. And if we had a kid we already agreed we would get together.

You might be right and Im struggling to swallow that pill.

[RickLee]

1 hour ago, Kbtoys said:

Every relationship is different so take what I say from my own experience.  I am in a relationship and texting can be hit or miss as people get busy.  Sometimes I get a quick response and a photo of what they are doing like eating, shopping, etc. I prefer calls as I always get confused the content of texts.  The confusing texts that don’t make sense could reveal she may be an alcoholic, but I don’t know her or her habits.

The issue I see is that she blames everyone else, but doesn’t take into account how her actions could have impacted the relationships.  We all know it takes 2 people to continue a relationship/friendship.  I highly doubt all of her issues were one sided.  

She might be seeking attention and would hate to generalize, but check out “daddy issues”.  Not sure if it is relevant if she wasn’t shown much love growing up and she seeks attention from others.  Also I’ve had similar situations where we would get into an argument and then she would go out drinking.  She would return home and then take advantage of me, but hardly any kissing.  Same thing passionate sex, but awkward as it seems it is missing the connection of kissing and seems the alcohol is taking over.  
 

These incidences make me question how she is drunk without me around.  I am in a relationship where I told her the next time communication breaks down and she can’t control her alcohol consumption, then I am gone.  As our values don’t align.  Your gf could be distant as she is confused on what she really wants.  I wouldn’t continue if she isn’t taking steps to meet you halfway be it with communication, transparency, etc.  

If she shuts down and honest communication can’t be conducted, then I don’t see a path forward.  She needs to feel safe to offer what is really happening with her thoughts.  It could take time and when you catch a partner in a lie, then it isn’t always going to work to interrogate them during the discovery.  They will eventually tell you the truth so you can decide to move forward or they just have enough and break it off.  It seems she would rather breakup then have an honest conversation with you.  Do you want to keep repeating the insanity of making up and then when communication breaks down breaking up?  Good luck in whatever you decide.

Im so surprised you mentioned alcoholism. Yes, from what I gathered she was an excessive drinker and word got around. A little back story: When we were kids our parents were friends but my parents ended up moving away and we never continued talking to them simply because of the distance. So many years later my family ends up moving back in the same state and my mother reaches out to her family and they connected. Long story short, it was brought to my moms attention  that my girl was known to drink a lot at family parties. 

Now, when we were dating I brought up the alcohol, asking her what she thought about it in general. She told me up front that she use to drink a lot but was now currently stopping. In other words she was getting over the "Party phase". So I didnt' think much of it afterwards. 

Through out our dating phase and relationship phase I did notice that texting was terrible with her and I would call her to clarify. 

"The issue I see is that she blames everyone else, but doesn’t take into account how her actions could have impacted the relationships.  We all know it takes 2 people to continue a relationship/friendship.  I highly doubt all of her issues were one sided."

Yes she does. She would bring on occasions how she felt like her family wouldn't listen to her or that they would do with her as they pleased and she hated that she would let them. Same goes with her friends. 

I can definitely see "Daddy issues' Her father had her when he was already old (Grandpa status) So he didnt show much affection to her growing up.

Yes, that one time we had passionate sex was the first time I experienced that with her. But now I know it was the alcohol influencing her.

 

We are currently just texting eachother daily, she says she wants to continue talking with eachother but "we would have to wait and see". In other words she wants us to be friends and see with time if we can bring it back. So I guess yeah kinda we are communicating halfway. Im not sure. Im too emotionally deep to tell you.

My heart tells me there is still hope but my mind is telling me she is just talking to you to fill a void until she finds someone else.

I just dont know from what she says is genuine enough for me to believe.

[Batya33]

She is being honest.  Now, be honest with yourself.  She is willing to put in the minor effort to type texts to you.  That is the extent to which she wants to keep in touch.  It takes her no effort and she gets an ego boost because she knows how into her you are.  "In time we'll see" means she has an easy out.  No commitment, passive - "in time" and "we'll see." Nothing to see here.  A person who wants to be with you would never risk wait and see because if you're that special you'll be snapped up and she'll miss her opportunity with you.  She's willing to miss her opportunity with you.

16.5 years ago I reconnected with my ex.  3-4 weeks later he asked if I wanted to get back together.  I was overwhelmed.  For 20-30 seconds (fear based on us having broken up years earlier).  Then I said yes. Within 5 minutes we established what we wanted -to see if we should get married and have a family in the future and to be exclusive starting right then.  Had he asked to wait and see I would have seen my way to the door and not looked back.  He was planning on returning to his new city hundreds of miles away so we'd be long distance.  We were in our late 30s.  We didn't want to spend time waiting and seeing. More importantly we didn't have to because our hearts and minds made it clear that we had to grab this opportunity.  16.5 years later we have a newly minted teenage boy and a happy marriage. Is it perfect? NO.  But we were honest with each other and with ourselves from the start. 

We didn't need to "bring it back" by "waiting" and being "friends" because you don't bring it back that way. You grow your relationship -and your hearts and feelings -by acting it -by dating, being together, having aligned goals and making concrete plans for the future.  Yesterday my son asked me to please join him and my husband on their nature walk. I usually have my desperately needed me time at that time. 

What if I told him "you know let's wait and see. maybe next time, son, how about if you take pictures during your walk and I'll text you ok?"  No.  I put him first because our being close, a family, trumped any need to be by myself, exhale with a good book - and literally that meant walking alongside him right then.

She's not willing to walk alongside you.  She's just willing to type to you behind a screen and "wait" while life passes you by.  Find someone who feels that when you know you want to be with someone you want that time together to start right then.