Unappreciative, manipulating partner

[Betzlopes]

My partner (30m) and I (27f) have 4 children together, I love him dearly, but his comments are hurtful and demeaning.

Our first two are not biologically his, but are from an abusive relationship I managed to escape, he has been an absolute gods send to them and is a great father. 

I am now in quite a dark place due to post natal depression and psychosis with our 3rd triggering all the bad thoughts and feelings around the abuse I suffered. I'm in therapy now and know it takes time and work to be happy again, but I feel every step forward, my partner pushes me back. 

He constantly corrects me, and appreciates nothing I do. I work so hard to keep a tidy and clean house, keep the kids content, put food on the table and work as an ameture carpenter. But there's always something I haven't done or completed to his standard. He himself has told me he micromanages me, and will readily call me names when I get too frustrated with his lack of understanding. 

When calm I try to explain to him how hurtful his words are, and how I need his emotional support, but he will again place blame on me saying 'I'm sorry you've got it in your head that I treat you like that' he's so unwilling to see how hurtful it is. It's only when I'm in a crisis that he will listen to me, and he will improve for a couple of days and then it's straight back to how it was. 

I can't leave, I love him so incredibly much, and he tells me he does too; he's an amazing dad and I don't want to give up on the relationship. 

How do I explain how his behaviour is making me feel in a way that will finally get through to him? 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Betzlopes said:

I am now in quite a dark place due to post natal depression and psychosis with our 3rd triggering

Sorry this is happening. Continue to follow up with your physicians and therapist. tell them what is going on.

 Stop doing too much. Just stop. Only take care of yourself and the children. Stop defending yourself.

 Stop explaining yourself to him. Just leave the room and attend to the children. 

 Sadly you are doing the same thing as you were in the abusive relationship. Defending, explaining, justifying etc. Stop all of it.

If he gets verbally abusive or controlling leave the conversation/room. He knows it hurts you, he doesn't care. Do not dignify and reward any of that with a reaction, response or explanation.

Stop giving him all the power in the relationship by groveling to be loved or be supermom. Make sure he helps out with the children and around the home.

 Talk to trusted friends and family. Consider a work-from-home part-time way to make some money. Get busy and stop being his slave or doormat.

[Rose Mosse]

I don't think you can, to be blunt. He seems mentally abusive and restrictive in a relationship. Instead of encouraging you and sharing in your goals for the future as parents he's demoralizing and hypercritical. 

The more you keep talking, the less he listens and the more he berates you. Stop talking. Go about your work with your kids and your carpentry. Tell him to stop talking at you and if he has an issue with something you've done, do it or re-do it himself. Walk away and diffuse the situation. Do NOT engage with a person like this. 

Eventually you'll have to make up your mind about whether you want to stay in a place not much different from your previous relationship.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't waste my breath or do any more talking. He understands.  He chooses not to react by caring.  I would get my point across through actions.  If he speaks to you disrespectfully, walk away.  Take the time you need to get therapy/help for your mental health issues.  Stop trying to impress him with your housekeeping skills.  Do the minimum so that your house is hygienic and safe for the children.  "dirt is inert".  No need for a home with 4 kids to appear tidy.  Safe and hygienic.  I'd say hire someone to clean but doesn't seem like that is in your budget.  Do not do any of his cleaning etc.  If he comments on your housekeeping ignore or treat it like he said nice day out and say "nice weather we're having".  

That is if you choose to stay.  If he's a great dad you two can coparent and you don't need to live in the same place as him.

[smackie9]

You went from one abusive relationship to another...abuse comes in all forms, physical, mental, manipulative, stonewalling, etc. You can't stop an abuser but you sure as hell leave one. 

[Lambert]

I am really sorry for all you've been through. 

The truth is, he knows what he does. He's an abuser and abusing you. 

I don't really think there is anything you can do.  Other than what others are saying. Stop putting up with his crap. but standing up to him may push him to treat you worse.

You seem to have convinced yourself that he's a great guy, he just belittles and discounts you. Things great guys don't do. 

If you're not willing to leave him, I don't think anything can really change. 

Have you talked to your therapists about this?

[catfeeder]

On 2/23/2022 at 11:19 AM, Betzlopes said:

But there's always something I haven't done or completed to his standard.

I'll offer anyone who's been critical of my work an invitation to step in and demonstrate exactly how it 'should' be done.

Solves the problem every time.